Sentimental Reasons

49. Lost

Why couldn't I leave the idea of going to the Astronomy Tower alone? It wrecked everything. I wished I never crossed his path. I wished I never met him. I wished he never said my name. Because all I could think about now was him saying my name. It was non-stop. Everything that he told me replayed in my head constantly. It was an addiction. And I wanted more. I wanted to hear him more. I hated him. I hated him so much I could kiss him. No! I hated him so much I could slap him. 

Everything was a mess in my head. I plopped down on my bed, trying to calm my thoughts. Everything happened so fast. One minute we were insulting each other. The next, he was screaming his love for me. 

How could he love me? He didn't know me. He didn't like my family. He didn't like my beliefs. Why would he say that! I hated him. 

I lay down on my bed, exasperated by this situation. Worst of all, tomorrow was Christmas, and I would spend it alone, alone with my thoughts of Malfoy. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

I half expected to see an owl with a letter in its beak waiting for me when I woke up the next day. But no. There was nothing. Nothing but the wind tapping against my window. I shuffled in my bed and thought back on the dreams I had, all were about Malfoy. The only thing I was grateful for was that my mind was so preoccupied with Malfoy that it forgot about the nightmares, except if you say that Malfoy was a nightmare enough. But in the dreams I had, they weren't. I hated him. 

I hid my face under my blankets, ashamed of myself. I couldn't believe the state of me. 

Finally, I rose from my bed, thinking it would do me some good to get something in my stomach. Before opening my door to the common room, I prayed to Merlin I wouldn't cross Malfoy. I couldn't handle seeing him, not after what happened yesterday evening. 

I marched toward the Great Hall, nervous at every castle corner. As I turned a corridor to join the moving staircase, I stumbled upon a student. I panicked. I lifted my eyes to look at the robes. They were blue. A sigh escaped my lips.

"Oh, sorry." The student said. I lifted my eyes more to look at his face. If I remember correctly, his name was Michael Corner. "Is something wrong?" My face must've looked shocked since he turned into confusion. 

"No, no. Sorry." I shook my head to get me out of my thoughts. He shot me a smile before continuing to walk.

Suddenly, his voice filled the corridor again as he said, "Audrey Bardot? Is that right?" I looked behind me to face him. I didn't have the force to answer, so I smiled at him and nodded in response. "Good to know." He said, then left again. Leaving me alone again. Deep down, I wished he would invite me to keep him company. I couldn't bear to be alone at Christmas. But no, his curls were bouncing as he walked away from me.

Finally, I arrived in the Great Hall. It was deserted. I guessed the students must've been opening their presents by now and reading their parents' letters. I hated it. Every second, I would wait for an owl to come toward me, hoping they were carrying a letter from my parents. But none came. It was dumb of me. My parents told me they wouldn't be able to write to me before Spring, and yet I couldn't help but hope. 

All day, I waited for something exciting to happen. But nothing did. This had to be the worst Christmas ever. I stayed outside. The snow had stopped, so I sat on a bench holding a hot chocolate to warm my fingers. I looked at the sight before me. 

Everything was white. The trees, the grass, the animals hopping around the castle grounds. I hated it. I wished the snow would melt and give way to Spring. The only reason was that I wanted to hear from my parents again. 

I squinted my eyes to look at something coming straight at me. The hope became real as I realised an owl was flying at me. I looked around me, ensuring it wasn't coming for anyone else. No, I was alone. The bird was coming for me. My heart filled with joy as the owl landed in front of me. It must've been a new owl as I didn't recognise it. I snatched the letters from the bird giving him a pat on the head as it flew away again. I plopped my hot chocolate beside me and looked through the letters. 

There were three letters in total. One was from Noa. Going from letter to letter, my smile faded—another from Daphne. My hope finally diminished when I read who the last letter was from. Harry Potter sent me a letter too. 

My sad face remained as I opened the letters. Noa was wishing me a happy Christmas filled with joy and encouragement. Daphne told me she was thinking about me and missed me. Harry's letter was the most interesting one. He told me about the Order in some strange language so the government wouldn't understand what he was saying if they intercepted the letter. I almost hoped he would talk about my parents in the letter, but there was nothing about them. I still didn't know what they were up to or where they were. 

I plopped the letters beside me and finished my hot chocolate wishing it was hot red wine instead. But no, I was in England, not in France. There wasn't hot red wine anywhere in England. 

I sighed as I remembered I still had to figure out how to summon my Patronus, as well as figure out what went wrong with my anti-sleeping potion and, of course, what to do with Malfoy's declaration or, should I say, reproach. I had so much to think about, but right now, I couldn't think of anything but my parents. But I was utterly lost in this field.