Sentimental Reasons

38. The truth

Malfoy's POV :

I returned from the pitch tired as ever. I had pushed myself to my limits during practice. I had to get my anger out somehow.

I was coming out of the shower when someone knocked at my door. I groaned, quickly put some clothes on and walked over to it.

"Blaise?" What was he doing here?

"Hey, you mind if I come in?" That was a weird question but sure.

"Sure," I opened the door wider to let him in and closed it behind him. "What do you want?"

"Look, I know this may come weird, but are you alright?" He put his hands in his pockets. 'What the fuck is he talking about?' I thought as I furrowed my eyebrows with disgust.

"Blaise, we aren't girls," I told him with an exasperated look.

"Fuck Draco, I know that. But Audrey's right. Why haven't you talked to me since summer, like actually talked to me?" He pushed. "We've been friends since we were fucking eleven, and if it makes me look like a girl, then so fucking be it."

I looked at him. He seemed genuine in wanting to know what was going on. I sighed deeply and leaned on my bed next to him.

I opened my mouth to tell him but hesitated. Finally, I built up the courage. "I was chosen." I looked up at him to see his reaction. "By The Dark Lord." He didn't want to give up much of his expression, but I knew he was shocked. Of course, Blaise's beliefs were in the same order as mine, but he would never know how it felt to be a Death Eater.

"But you're so young," He muttered under his breath. We stayed there, not talking to one another. "Do you have to tell me anything?" I looked up at him. He seemed brave. I hated the fact that I had to bring him the news that was going to destroy him.

"I shouldn't, but I will." I swallowed hard. It was even harder for me to hear what I would say. "The war will officially be raised at the end of the school year, but I can't tell you how." His features dropped. Of course, he knew it was coming, but so soon? I felt a sudden wave of disappointment from him and myself.

"Are you alright?" He asked me. It was the first time someone had asked how I felt for so long. Too long. My heart dropped down to my stomach.

I searched for the answer. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know how I felt. "I don't know." I wasn't allowed to feel wrong about the war. I wasn't allowed to have second thoughts. But, I knew so well I had had them since the ball in the Manor. I clenched my jaw to keep myself from saying too much.

"Is this part of the reason you hate Audrey?" He suddenly asked.

Her name; so elegant, so gentle, so precious. I wished I could say her name.

I breathed in deeply. "Audrey." I finally whispered. Those two syllables. It felt so right yet so distant.

I stood and faced the wall, not wanting him to see me so vulnerable. "I was beginning to think becoming a Death Eater was all I had to look forward to in this life. That was until I met her. There is nothing else in this world other than those bright, falsely innocent eyes when they look at me. Even full of hatred." I admitted. When I talked, I couldn't recognise my voice. I had never been able to put my feelings for her out for the world to know. Maybe it was about time.

I remember when she first looked at me like any other student. That was until my lips spoke callously, and from that moment, any chance of friendship had dissipated like smoke for the wind the carry across the hills. Sworn enemies were how she thought it. Although I play the part, it is never that for me. I thought to myself.

"I have to hate her. Or another feeling will consume me. A foreign feeling. An unimaginable one to process for my dark future," I spoke. I lightly look down, remembering what my father told me at our ball. "and my father agrees."

Even if her eyebrows furrow and her eyes fill with a flood of hatred, is that not better than no recognition at all? And even if she never admits it, I think she enjoys the fierce arguments. She is always so firey when we fight. Her pupils dilate with passion as she defends whatever I am attacking. I love this about her, even if she flinches away when I step too close.

As I talk about my feelings, I remember at the ball when my father was circling her. I felt, for the first time in my life, the welling of anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. As I watched on, as Audrey's enemy, my heart burned. It smouldered and spat flames. It pumped with anger and rage that left me grounded, unable to move.

I turned around to discover his expression. He seemed uneasy like he wasn't prepared for that type of response. "I care. It wrecks my entire being, but it's true." My features remained settled. I hadn't smiled in weeks. I wasn't sure I knew how to anymore, not after what I had witnessed this summer. 

He didn't speak. His eyes couldn't even meet mine. He seemed to process everything I just rambled on about.

"Draco," He finally said, "You have to talk to her." He lifted his eyes to look at me, "Tell her the truth."

"Tell her the truth? No, no. Let her think I never loved her. She and I are not on the same side. It would break my soul to think that I would dismiss her beliefs just for me to have a chance at loving her." I argued. Blaise continued watching me. I knew he felt sorry for me, and I hated it.