GOLDWING (ing version)

chapter 52

"Victoria, can we say that everything is ready?" Diana questions.

"It is," and I breathed a sigh of relief.

With irregular nights of sleep, marked dark circles under my eyes, and still wearing a nappy, I was at the final meeting with a team that had welcomed me for months with much love, the co-founders of this wonderful idea. I wasn't even graduated and had founded a small atelier, and that was unbelievable.

My days were organised so that I had the flexibility to work in the evenings so that in the morning I could look after my little bundle of love. I didn't want to allow myself to be hurt by everything that had happened, though that seemed to live rent-free in my mind. I had a being to raise.

I thought I was ready to face him, but I wasn't, not at all. Because deep down, everything entered my heart as deep as a razor. That's why I avoided seeing him.

I vividly remember that I was 3 weeks postpartum when the wedding happened. I still hadn't fully recovered, and I was losing weight with each passing day, and the routine from before was slowly starting to return. Flowers with a light champagne hue decorated almost all the surroundings of Pollok House, which had scenery worthy of a late summer romance. Every time I entered that chapel, I photographed it internally filled with people, with an acoustic guitar playing in the background, and my Harp on my lap.

The final days of preparation resembled a war scene, with materials going in and out, ladders lying in aisles, people talking non-stop, and everyone calling the people in charge. The fashion department always had things to do, and the catering department looked like they could memorise the names of all the countries in the world better than not forget someone on the guest list. When the big day came, that all doubled in size.

I was one of the first to get ready, and have my make-up and hair done. Ana had thought of putting me in my signature look: the right amount of shadow and layered hair. And she couldn't have been more right. That look had been with me for so long that its uniqueness brought me comfort and nostalgia of such good times. My outfit was that kind of piece that mixed the temporary with the timeless, that was between a classic dress and a no-nonsense jumpsuit that changed description every time someone saw it. That was the message I wanted to get across, because that was the truth, that was what I was feeling during those last months. And I won't deny that I was insecure about my body, I had gained 12 kilos and it's hard to love yourself like that, after phases of letting your body fast until it hit the ground.

I had the opportunity to help Laura get dressed, to see the first dress I had designed for someone other than myself fit her body like a glove, the first piece labeled Aria Project. Ethan's suit had been made by a local atelier in Costa Rica, with some help from me.

Harp was using a puff-sleeved dress made of linen with embroidered blue flowers that I had bought the first time I bought baby clothes, and the smallest pair of Doc Martens I had ever seen in my life. She was so miniature that all her clothes were baggy, and so sensitive that she was not suitable to take to a place with so many people. Her palms were small and her fingers long, like Dam's, and had the same mole I have below my eye. In my lap she slept so serenely that it seemed that just that gesture cured all my problems.

 I was standing in the hotel lobby ready to get out in the car that would transport Laura to the chapel, until I found a figure in the reflection of the smoky glass. Ethan was surrounded by people and with a contagious smile, Thomas was at his side super elegant with Lavinia in his hand, who was running to go in our van; after all, what would he and he be without being late to everything. More people were approaching, however the van left the scene soon after.

Every time I passed Pollok House it seemed that its beauty increased. If I close my eyes, I can still visualise its Georgian architecture, the designed gardens, with elegant proportions, a truly picturesque escape. But all that perfect world ends when Harp is no longer in my arms, and I had to face the world, and my fears, which were very close at hand. The next thing I know I looked to the left, and saw him. Damiano was only 20 feet away from me and I couldn't even recognize him.