"The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness." – A. F. G. Bell, In Portugal of 1912.
4th October, Milan.
DAMIANO'S AND VICTORIA'S POV
Victoria: I couldn't not help them. I had all the privileges and money to get a fair trial, even if it wasn't going to come out in my favour. But it was fucking hard to go back to Paris after almost three years. To the place where it all happened. To the disappearance of my dear love. To the details, to the same places I was years ago. For investigations, questionnaires, interrogations.
Damiano: Obviously I remember the moment I knew everything.
My first 6 months in rehab were the saddest months of my life. Nobody gets someone who doesn't want to be helped. I showed no signs of improvement in 6 months, and I did everything I could to be able to touch substance again, not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. But somehow, I accepted that I was sick, and that I had to be helped, and slowly, things were coming back. The days were becoming colourful again, and the therapists' talks started to make sense. And so, I gained the right to make phone calls, to share a room, to listen to music, and with that, to get to know my daughter. Leo would show me rare photos of her, or tell me about her progress, and the way he described her was flawless. 6 months before I was discharged, I received a visit from my lawyers with a summons in hand to testify in a foreign court. And only 2 months later they informed me it was about Angel.
Victoria: I kept thinking about the trial. The fear was constant, a fear of everything around me. No one knew if Dam was capable of giving decent testimony, he'd been cooped up in a psychiatric clinic for almost a year, and no details escaped me if not for Leo. But we had managed to get a temporary release of almost 15 days for the trip to France.
Damiano: My wardrobe was based around sportswear, trainers without laces and a policy of when to wear jewellery. The only things that reminded me of who I was before were my tattoos, and my wedding ring, recovered after I had all the tests I needed. But things started to get real when Leo came to visit me with a suitcase, and 3 different formal clothes that looked mostly baggy on me.
Victoria: I made sure I picked him up from the clinic. I needed to do it, to see the situation for myself, and I knew I might as well take a direct flight from Denmark to France and not exchange a word with him. But I wanted explanations, even if they were not verbal.
Damiano: I didn't know who was going to get me out of that place, I just assumed it was Leo. Fear consumed my body in equal measure, yet the feeling that I was liberated overcame everything. The feeling that I was myself again. My bag lay near the exit door, waiting to come out of such a dark cycle.
The nurse arrived at my room and informed me that my transport had already arrived. And that's when I saw Victoria leaning against the wall in the hallway, standing in a standoff between inside the room and outside, with a serene countenance, and a beret on her head.
Victoria: I couldn't believe that was the Damiano I'd met in Glasgow. Because he wasn't. He was reborn.
Damiano: I know at that moment I didn't know what to say. I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth. But on the other side, Vic raised her gaze and said "Shall we?" The feeling that throbbed inside me was the same comfort a child feels when they fall asleep in one place and feel their mother calmly carry them to her bed, until they reach the comfort of their familiar mattress.
Victoria: You know, I wanted to be neutral. But I couldn't. Seeing him like that stirred something in me. It wasn't hate, it wasn't love, it wasn't happiness. It was a lot of saudade. Saudade was what I left in that hotel room in the United States before I went to Denmark. Saudade were those months when I swore I didn't feel anything anymore, but my heart squeezed. Saudade was also the photos, the vlogs edited in a broken laptop, a couple of plane tickets and the love that stays. Saudade is not explained, it is felt. I could tell he was afraid. Sometimes I saw his mouth open in the desire to speak something, and only mute words come out of it. I also saw the way he wrapped his arms around his body and longed for a hug, but did not ask for it.
Damiano: I wanted to touch her so badly. I wanted to because I didn't quite have confirmation that all that was real. But I didn't do any of that, and just remained neutral for the rest of the trip.
Victoria: That drive was silent, only accompanied by a song on the radio at a very low volume. I could even hear his breathing.
Damiano: She looked beautiful. I could spend all my time just observing the perfect cartilage of her nose, or the shape of her eyes.
Victoria: I don't think I would have ever imagined Damiano with long hair and a beard again until that day. But he looked like that right next to me, looking like Jesus. It was... it was incredible.
Damiano: She took me to a hotel, nearby, but a bit away from the city centre, which is already small. It was confusing to get in touch with reality after so long, to see things like lifts, spaces with lots of people and staff in formal clothes. I wondered why we were in that place, since our flight was supposed to be in a short time.
Victoria: What was I doing in that hotel? Picking up my daughter, lol (laughs) She was not going to be without me for two weeks. But Dam didn't know that.
Damiano: On the other side of the room door, I could hear a familiar laugh. I could recognize Leo's laugh anywhere and under any circumstances.
Victoria: More exciting than seeing our little group all together again, was only when in the half-moon that Damiano, Jacopo, Leo, Laura and Thomas and I formed, there appeared, stepping in on her own tiny feet, Harper with her hand entwined in one of Ethan's fingers, wearing a denim jumpsuit and a Snoopy bodysuit, with her hair loose and a little bag she liked to carry everywhere. And I saw Damiano's gaze shine like a mirrorball.
Damiano: I know this may sound very empathetic, but do you know that feeling that you belong somewhere? That it's your space, your home, your haven? If you do, then that's exactly what I felt as I stood in front of a blue-eyed girl who mimicked the expressions of the love of my life in every movement.
Victoria: I saw her looking at him, him looking at her. Her small, narrow body leans towards me and says, between imperfectly formed words 'Mama, chi è? '.
Damiano: And my heart ached, very much.
Victoria: I didn't know what to answer. I just said 'It's Damiano, love.'
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GOLDWING (ing version)
Fanfiction"You know, falling in love with a person you have no intentions of falling in love with is one of the most genuine forms of 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 I've ever known, and also the most painful." - a completely fictional story, not intended to disrespect the people i...
