GOLDWING (ing version)

chapter 23

"Friends are the family we choose." - Grey's Anatomy.

Recovery is a difficult process. And if there is one person who knows that perfectly well, it is me.

Not every day is a good day. We don't always wake up with a smile on our face. One day we sleep smiling, and another day we sleep crying. Sometimes we feel like carrying on, and sometimes we feel like giving up. It's not easy to have the motivation to recover every day. There may be days when we have hope for a better future, and other days when we get so stuck in our own thoughts that it seems like the bad things will never end.

There are lots of ways to help this process. And one of the only ones that actually worked for me was to vent to someone, even if I don't like to show others how I feel.

I was in my house, alone, as usual. I was going through a complicated phase, a phase of change. Nica had just left my home, and my treatment was starting to be less aggressive, which involved changes in medication, and a large dose of tests. Now, if I wanted, I had knives in my sight and could drink whenever I wanted. But this was the moment I had prepared for in all those months of therapy, and I couldn't throw that away.

The first few days were not easy. Independence, which was something I wanted so much, now scared me, because I was afraid of myself. I didn't know what my own mind was capable of. So I was very afraid of doing something crazy, even though sometimes I wished I wasn't in that place. I know I survived all those things for some reason, but if there is one thing you feel when a suicide attempt fails, it is frustration.

I remember I was in the studio, with the other 3. Through a doorway, I saw a red-haired woman with wavy hair entering. She was later introduced to me as the band's substitute bass player, Alice, a British. It was a temporary replacement, as long as I wasn't able to return to the stage, but even so, seeing them play without me hurt a lot. Nothing against her, she was really sweet and creative, but it made me feel even more replaceable. When we left the studio, we went to a garden near the area to talk. As I walked, I felt more disoriented. My head was spinning around, and I felt an unbearable abdominal pain. I hadn't eaten hardly anything for 3 days, since I had had my relapse.

After we talked for a while, Ethan and Alice had to leave, and moments later, Thomas was gone too. It was just me and Damiano, looking up at the sky, observing how beautiful a sunset can be.

"Vic, are you okay?" he asked, worried.

"Do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to say what is most acceptable to hear?"

"Be honest, Vic."

"Life... life sucks. But at least there are still a lot of beautiful things in this world to be admired, like this sunset," I said, pointing to a pink part of the sky.

"I have a little idea. What if we went to a party?"

"When?"

"Today!"

"But you don't like parties, and I don't drink..."

"Yes I know but... we can have fun without alcohol."

"That's true... Let me text Thomas then, he might want to come with us."

"No, Vic," he said, taking my arm. "just the two of us. Lately we've been with them all the time, and I don't think the two of us have ever gone to a party alone."

"Uhh, okay. That's fine."

"At 10:30 I want to see you in front of your apartment in your best clothes," he said, giving me a slight smile.

"At your service, general."

I got in my car, and after 30 minutes I was already home. After taking my medication, I took a long shower and tried to decide between some clothes. At the bottom of my closet, I grabbed my long black skirt, which I hadn't worn in a long time. But when I went to put it on, it looked too big on me. I tried on all the clothes I used to wear for going out at night, and they all made me look like a sack of potatoes. After half an hour of looking for what to wear, I found my short black shorts, which I hadn't worn in a long time. I paired that with an oversized white button-down shirt, a midriff, and some not-so-high boots. Next, I made some waves in my hair, put on my best perfume, and put on my favorite accessories. It had been a long time since I had taken care of myself, and this moment really helped me.

I looked at the clock, and it was almost 10:30. I quickly went down the elevator to my apartment, and when I got out, he was already waiting for me. He was wearing black baggy pants and a white T-shirt, as usual. We joke about this a lot, because this outfit is like his uniform. I got into his car, a white Smart. The atmosphere inside was neutral, with a light vanilla smell and pop music.

"Where are we going?" I asked curiously, as I watched him drive out of town.

"You'll see."

After 45 minutes in a car, we arrived at our destination: a pub by the sea. He knew me better than anyone else.

Obviously, parties are not the same without alcohol. But because of my condition, I had to learn to have fun without drinking. At a certain point, Dami went to the left side and I, kept leaning against the counter, drinking my water. I look to the side and saw a blond-haired man of medium height staring at me.

"What the hell do you want?"

"Nothing, relax..."

And that's when everything started to go wrong. I noticed that my drink looked effervescent, but I thought it was normal, because I had just put an ice cube in it. Minutes later, a great weight came over my head, and I began to feel somewhat numb. I tried to look for Dami, to no avail. When I was too tired, I sat down on one of the sofas. After that, I can't remember anything else. I only remember waking up with the bright light from a lamppost projected into my eyes. I was already with Dam, in his car. Although I was awake, I felt even worse than when I was asleep. I heard loudly the call he made to Nica, telling her that I might have to stay at his house that night.

"Ciao Nica, puoi parlare?"

"Si, cosa è successo?"

"Qualche idiota ha drogato Vic...non se la passa molto bene."
" Se nel frattempo devi portarla in ospedale chiamami, ok?"
Si, non preoccuparti, mi prenderò cura di lei."

I felt him pick me up on his lap, and walk up all the stairs of his building. He laid me down on a bed, and stayed there, until I became minimally more conscious. As time went on, I began to see things more clearly, and my head wasn't spinning around so much.

"Vitto, can you see or hear me?"

I nodded.

"And if you stand up? Can you?"

I shook my head.

"Okay, I'll wait. Did you take anything?"

"Just some water with lemon," I answered.

"Do you know if someone did something to you?"

"There was a man next to me, he... I think he put something in my drink."

"Okay, I get it. What are you feeling?"

"A headache, a lot of headache. And a huge urge to fall asleep."

"Vic, stay with me, don't you dare close your eyes. Look at me," he said, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You're doped up. But don't worry, I'll take care of you, okay?"

"Thank you."

"No need to thank me. Let's take a shower, okay? You smell like unbearable alcohol."

"Okay."

Slowly, I began to have more control over my own body and was able to walk. Then he sat me down on a chair, and turned off the bright bathroom light, which was stabbing my view.

"May I take off your clothes?"

"Yes, of course," I answered.

Carefully, he took off my shirt, removing each of the buttons, and my bottom half. Then he tied my hair into a ponytail and picked me up, placing me sitting horizontally in the tub. At that moment, the warm water beginning to make contact with my skin gave me a sense of comfort. With some bath gel in his hands, he began to spread the liquid all over my body. I felt his cool hands running over each of my ribs, down my spine. Then he put some gel in my hand and brought it to my chest, and my intimate region. When I felt my hand in his as it was close to my hip, I felt a sensation coming from the middle of my hips all the way in. I knew what that meant, it wasn't the first time someone had left me like that. No, this can't be happening again.

-

hi!!!
some time have passed, but some feelings can stay the same...

tks for reading <3
mel.