GOLDWING (ing version)

chapter 37

"Time of death: 17:34. I'm sorry for this loss".

We often look back on the day our lives changed. And it's hard to remember how I faced that. How I loved the smallest thing we've ever seen. From her first moment, we were committed to that sample of people. With her tiny nose and beautiful eyes, fingers I could barely touch. I'd give her from my lap to the nurse's lap instead of her mother's or her family's lap. And I wanted to do many things with her. I wanted to read her a bedtime story, sing her a ballad, take her on stage with me. But from one moment to the next, that right was taken away from me. 

As soon as the doctors went to update the others, they all tried to come to me. But, I wasn't responding. I had blocked it out, I was in shock. I only knew how to cry in the arms of the doctor, who sat me in a chair outside the ICU. When we had named our daughter Angel, we never thought she would actually be an angel. Angel Grace de Angelis David. That was her name. Grace was in honour of our good friend, Gigi, as we call her. "Always remember that, although you may not look it, you are braver and stronger than you think". said one of the nurses, putting a hand on my back. 

After a few minutes, I was allowed to hold her on my lap, with no fan or wires. Just her, my little one. She was wrapped in a lilac blanket, and her skin wasn't as blue as it used to be. I could still feel her warmth, but I couldn't feel anything else. The doctors said that her syndrome probably had complications, and that, she eventually suffered a heart attack. To me, that wasn't fair. It should never be fair to lose someone you love, no matter how small it may be. Behind every one of us who has ever lost a child was a parent with small clothes folded inside a new cupboard, a stock of nappies behind the door, the first dummy, the first toy, and new furniture that was hard to put together. Although this new world of parenthood was a complete shock to me, it was all these new things to experience that excited me and left me wanting to learn more. I considered for the first time going ahead with a divorce petition for Giorgia so I could start a new life with Victoria, as a small big family, surrounded by a good environment, amazing people, and privileges. 

From the sixth floor of the hospital came even more news: Vic was slowly heading toward a picture of a Diabetic Coma. That couldn't be real. How was I supposed to go through all that without her, without her support, without her even ever holding her own daughter? Nobody knew how to answer that.

They took me into a room, with a very nice, understanding, kind doctor. Psychiatrists are just like that. She was Italian, so it was very nice to be able to express what I felt in my own language, with the most appropriate words. My diagnosis of anxiety disorder came when the band left the X Factor after I started feeling sick before live performances for no apparent reason. I started being medicated weeks before I found out everything that was going on with Vic before we won Eurovision after I was feeling abnormally anxious with so much pressure from the contest. Then it all started to get worse, but nobody knew and they couldn't know, especially Vic. At that point, I was looking after her first suicide attempt, and I wasn't allowing myself to worry about things other than her and her well-being. Then, when things started to get complicated and my feelings became confused, there were no medications that would make me well, so I started drinking a lot, in a very involuntary way. And by the time I realized it, it had become a daily routine. And a while later, after I got better, I noticed that the person who was going through the same thing I was going through was Vic. But I was an idiot and I saw it all pass in front of my eyes and I did nothing. Until, it happened, for the second time. That time made me see a lot of things differently, and it changed me even more as a person. Yes, we only realize how much a person is truly important to us when we are on the verge of losing them.

 
I spent about 2 hours talking to the doctor, and another 3 hours taking anxiolytics in the vein. I was emotionally unstable in such an unexpected way, that I didn't even know I could get that bad. And finally, I accepted the treatment, put on hospital clothes, and was admitted. I had a rapid heartbeat, dehydration, dizziness, not to mention a huge lack of appetite. Leo was with me whenever he could, accompanying me through everything. My mother and brother too, but they would have to go back to Rome soon. Nica wasn't well at all, and would not leave Vic's bed, even if she was unconscious. 

While I was talking by mobile phone with our manager, the same doctor who had accompanied us from the time we entered the emergency room until we died came into my room, with some papers. Yes, it was Angel's death certificate. I'm pretty sure I shed a tear on the paper, but I don't remember very well. Then she said she would talk to the two of us later, to arrange what to do with her body. 

Nica, Thomas, and Ethan had just arrived in my room as they were changing my IV and bringing some donuts. Her eyes were swollen from crying so much, as were the others. They all came to hug me, although I seemed listless at times because of the medication. Since Ethan and Thomas didn't get to see Angel live, I showed them the last pictures I had with her, the most presentable ones. I had two others of Leo and Nica with her on their laps, and a video of my mum seeing her for the first time. Those videos and photos brought me comfort but put me dealing with a pain too strong that I was still trying to acknowledge. 

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hi guys!
do you needed some wipes? i chose to portray damiano's pov in this chapter (that wasn't supposed to be published) because of his very emotional side, his more poetric thinking.
what's your expectations to the story?

mel:)