GOLDWING (ing version)

chapter 25

(3 months later)

"She is my best friend, and right or not, she was there when you weren't."- Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy.

A hectic life, full of pressure, rushing, and tiredness. Welcome to the world of music.

We were back on the road in June. Afterward, we had almost no days to rest, and we took advantage of the free days to go to the studio. Traveling, packing, traveling, more packing. That's been my life lately.

Being without my airport and playmate made me strange this routine again. She made everything okay when I was nervous and was the only one who could console me. Unfortunately, after Eurovision, she was never the same again, after the health problems...

But, great news had arrived: another invitation. To the Royal Albert Hall. On August 30, we would be playing at that concert hall. Without Victoria.

When I heard that she supposedly wouldn't be able to play, I was beside myself. Everyone knew how much she was looking forward to it, especially me. I spoke to the band manager, and he said there was nothing he could do about it. The medical statement was still valid, and it couldn't be changed. I mean, maybe it could.

I went to the clinic that she used to go to, trying to talk to her therapist and psychiatrist. Both told me things like "Victoria might need a few more weeks, she's not completely stable". I found out indirectly that she had recently been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress, which was supposedly the reason for the prolonged recovery. I was determined not to leave that office until I got what I wanted. I talked a lot with them until we reached a consensus. Vic would be able to do the shows. However, she had to have a supervisor of her behavior most of the time. And I was "chosen" to be that person. In other words, I would have to watch her and be very careful with the way I would deal with her crises. A paper was issued that Vic's doctors had to sign so that she could leave the country, as long as she was assured that it was safe to do so. That wasn't just a piece of paper, it was almost a Bible. Authorizations from the psychiatrist, the pneumologist, the cardiologist, and many more that I can't even count.

All I know is that, at the end of the day, I had all these papers signed, with only one signature missing. Vic's. After 2 minutes of a slightly tense conversation between her and me on the mobile phone, she told me she was home, just finishing her shower. Soon after, I grabbed my car and tried to find a quick way to her flat. I was listening to Dreams by Fleetwood Mac at full volume while watching the beauty of the city on a simple late afternoon. I kept thinking all the way home about what to say, how to use the right words because I knew that when I was nervous I made some miscommunications. The unbearable negativity bug that always lives in my head started to give me the idea that I was doing something senseless, that I had crossed the limits. For minutes, I thought of turning back and simply telling her that I had run into traffic on the way. But no, I didn't. By the time I reached the door of her building, it was almost night. The temperature had dropped slightly, but the building itself was a little cozy warm. I got on the lift and looked at myself in the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes were getting deeper with each passing day because I didn't rest well. I spent countless sleepless nights, unable to sleep. Even my therapist didn't have a very satisfactory answer on the subject, because I had suffered from the same thing other times. What I hadn't told any of my therapists was that I was mourning the "children" I had lost. I mean, they were embryos. We had the news of the pregnancy 2 months before Vic left the hospital, and I was at the height of my happiness at that moment, because during so much darkness, a light appeared. Nothing was planned, it was completely by accident. But in one of the first ultrasounds, they didn't detect any heartbeat. There, our fertility journey had begun, seeking answers to what happened, and why we couldn't get pregnant. After many consultations, tests, and examinations, we discovered that we were both practically sterile. Because of her chronic illness, part of Gio's reproductive system had been compromised, which didn't help matters, not to mention the fact that she was suffering greatly from that process. As for me, nothing was clear.