Rock-A-Bye//Lisoo 리수

😰 Chap.9: Not Okay 😰

I couldn't believe a month went by so fast, I was recovering way more slowly compared to normal people due to my health, but I was definitely better and I had stopped coughing blood.
I should have been over the moon out of joy, yet I was crying in the bathroom while Ireshi slept in bed.

My baby was down with a very bad fever, she kept reaching dangerous temperatures and I felt so bad and so at fault that I cried behind her back. I should have taken better care of her. That's what I kept thinking. Because I had been so selfish in focusing on my recovery instead of paying proper attention to my baby. I should have just pushed through like I always did.

My baby, my beautiful babygirl. I'm such a bad mother, how could I allow her to become so sick? I don't deserve her. She needs someone better than me who can properly take care of her. I'm such a failure.

I sniffed and dried my running nose in my shirt sleeve, when I suddenly heard Ireshi cry out for me, so I forced myself to stop crying and dried my face as best as I could with my sleeves, for then exit the bathroom and ran to her «W-What is it baby? Do you need something?»
Ireshi whined in discomfort as I placed a hand on her forehead, she was so hot «Mommy... Cuddle...» I nodded and going under the covers I sniffed a little and hugged her tight to me, passing my fingers through her hair and kissing the top of her head, as she slowly fell back to sleep. And as soon as she did, my tears also fell down again as I cried as silently as I could.

I knew some kids got sick easily and it was normal for everyone to get sick. But the fact that it was my daughter, the person I should protect and care about being sick, I felt so horrible and so worried. In the last year she often got sick but never this bad. And I didn't understand why now, when she finally had a home, although temporary, when she had everything she needed, why she had to get sick.

The door slowly opened but I didn't care about it or who it was, my focus was all on my sleeping daughter and my breakdown.

«Lalisa.» Jisoo said softly passing a hand through my hair «Come with me.»
I shook my head no and hugged Ireshi tighter «She wants my cuddles. I can't leave. She needs me.»
«Lalisa. Come now. You're in no state to take care properly of your daughter. First get yourself together then think about her. You're not helping her.» I didn't move nor answered.

Did she just say I'm a bad mother and can't take care of my daughter? What does she even know!!! But what if she's right?

«Lalisa, I'm serious. Your mind isn't clear right now. Come with me, let's take a walk and drink something warm. Then you can come back to her. I'll leave Somi here for now.» Jisoo insisted and in fear that Ireshi would wake up with all that noise, I abode to her request.
I carefully moved away from Ireshi, slowly moving on my feet and then made sure she was fully covered and comfortable.

Once done I looked at Jisoo, who looked at me from head to toe and said «Change those snot and tears covered clothes, I'll help you.»
I shook my head and once again dried my tears and runny nose on my clothes «I don't need help and I won't change. I'll only end up getting even more clothes dirty. Ireshi is gonna cover me in more body stuff. She's a baby.»
Jisoo raised an eyebrow «She's a baby, alright. But how about you? Are you a baby too? Don't you know how to use a tissue?»
I sniffed and rolled my eyes «It's already dirty and, when you have nothing, you don't have the privilege to choose.»
«You have what you need now. This house is full of tissues. Come on, let me help you.»
«I don't need you!» I whisper shouted as Jisoo rolled her eyes and went to my closet
«There's nothing wrong in getting some help. You also need someone to care about you and I'm that someone.» she took out a pair of black skinny jeans, a white blouse and a red pullover.