It's a Long Way Down

Chapter Forty: Letters

Dear Ember.

If you've read this far already, then that means you didn't immediately tear the envelope when you saw who this was from.

Look, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for hurting you. I never should've yelled at you or grabbed you so aggressively. I probably left a bruise and I am so sorry. Drunk or not, that was inexcusable. I'm supposed to protect you. Not hurt you.

I'm also so fucking sorry for saying you were a sorry excuse for a mate. In reality, I am. I'm probably the worst mate ever. There's something I should've told you in person, but I was too scared to. But since I don't know how long I'm gonna be here, I might as well tell you in writing.

Fuck, this is gonna be the worst confession in the history of confessions. I'm just gonna be completely honest here with you. I fucked up. I fucked up badly. And it's probably gonna be the one thing that will make you never want to see me again. If what I've already done hasn't done that yet.

When we were at the restaurant with Aether and Aeris, I wasn't in the bathroom all that time. I was bribing the waitress into giving me alcohol without you guys knowing. And as bad as that sounds, that's not even the worst part.

Fuck, I can't even think of a way to word this without making it sound bad. It is bad. I can't sugarcoat it. I can't make it seem better than it is because that's how bad it is.

Ember, I slept with the waitress in exchange for 3 cups of whiskey and coke. It's what I had gotten the alcohol poisoning from. I really fucked up doing that and I regret it so much but I can't take it back. It happened. And it was probably the worst thing I'd ever done in my life. And I did it to you. I cheated and I screwed everything up.

The people here say I can't be blamed for my actions when I was under the influence but I wasn't even drunk. I wasn't even tipsy when I did it. I was sober. And that makes it worse. I needed alcohol and that was what I did to get it. Looking back, I really didn't need a drink that bad. I should've been enjoying my time with you sober.

I know nothing I'm saying is making anything better between us, but I'm just trying to be transparent with you. You deserve that. You deserve to know the truth. So I'm just gonna lay it all out for you. You already know about all the mates I had that rejected me, but you don't know how I was after every rejection. Or, I guess now you've had some insight.

I would just drink heavily after every rejection and it got worse each time. I guess that's probably where my problem started. With every rejection, I got more scared of finding my mate. It's why I was such a dick to you when you first got here. I felt the pull immediately and I thought I would just try to push you away, ignore it. Hope it would go away on its own. Satan, am I glad it didn't.

Yet, I still was scared I would lose you. Even after we marked each other. I just thought somehow you'd be able to reject me. Then when you didn't remember us after your accident, you actually tried. Fuck, I was sober for so long until that happened. Aether tried to tell me no but I blackmailed him. I made him take me to a bar and I got drunk. I relapsed because I was scared you'd never remember me and you. I got stuck in my head, my fear took over me. I don't want you blaming yourself for my relapse. It wasn't your fault. You didn't remember us and Sister Imperator put ideas of me in your head that weren't right, but you had nothing to do but believe it. Please remember that. None of this is your fault. I don't want you to blame yourself for my mistakes.

Sure, some of them were from when I was drunk, but the worst of them all I was sober. And I will regret them for the rest of my life.

I love you with all my heart Ember and I fucked it up. I'd understand if you don't want me anymore. I wouldn't want me anymore. I don't want me anymore. If you were to find another ghoul or ghoulette while I'm in here and wanted to be with them, I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't be mad or upset. I deserve it.

I loved all the times we had together. I wish we had the chance to have those kits together. I should've done better to protect you from Imperator. I should've made sure your food was safe. Maybe I would've been poisoned and not you. We would've still had the kits. But I thought we were safe. I thought we were okay. Plus, you just wanted to eat, and I wasn't about to tell you no. Not when I knew you were trying to make sure the kits were fed too. You'll make a great mother one day. I'll just have to accept it probably won't be my kits you bear.

Please make sure you take care of yourself, Ember. Don't isolate yourself. Spend time with the band. Spend time with Aeris. Get out of your room. Go out into town. Play shows. I know how much you love being up on stage. I can see it in how you act. Whenever I look at you up there, I can't help but smile. Thank Satan for the mask, or the look Copia wants would be ruined. You always look so beautiful when the spotlight is on you. You were made for the stage. I love how you try to interact with everyone. You try to make sure Rain feels included on stage. You go and spend time with Swiss on his stage. Hell, you've even gone behind the drums with Mountain just rocking out. You are the best thing to have happened to the band. You could probably take my place if needed. You already know all my parts. We've technically already had the test run when Rain was out. You'd be perfect. You always are.

Please just promise me you'll stay that way forever. Be happy. Whether it be with me or not, I just want you to be happy. I love you so much Ember. And even though I've only been gone a week, I miss you so much. I wish I could see you.

I need to end this here, my love. I've got my next meeting to go to. I really do love you. So so much. And I am so sorry for ever hurting you.

Forever yours,
Sodo.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shorter chapter, but it's just the letter Sodo wrote to Ember. Complete with his confession. We shall see if Ember decides to write back. Let me know if she should...

Also I listened to a lot of Sleeo Token writing this.