Teaching jj

Chapter 35

It was then that Emily asked the question, speaking slowly and carefully and suppressing the multitude of emotions practically gnawing at her throat. "If it wasn't me - if it was, say, Jordan Todd or Ashley Seaver with you on this operation - would you invite a potential unsub back to the house, after considering the risks and benefits?"

"Yes," JJ answered instantly, reaching up to cover her mouth with both hands. "Oh, god ... Oh my god ... the reason I don't want to do this is because of you. And not because I don't trust you as an agent," she added quickly, "because I do, but ... but because I love you. Oh my god ... I really do. I really do love you."

But instead of the elated smile that JJ assumed she'd see on Emily's glossy pink lips, there was only a frown.

"Wait a minute." The words rushed out of JJ's mouth before she could stop them. "Don't you - I mean, haven't you - I mean, you weren't lying about ... Emily, please tell me you weren't lying about -"

"No, no, no." Emily shook her head insistently. "I love you more than anything in this world. That's not the problem."

"Then what's the problem?" JJ inquired, confused.

"The problem is that we can't pretend anymore, JJ," Emily sighed. "And not only does that make us the worst profilers to work this case ... but it also makes us the ideal victims."

"So what, exactly, are we supposed to tell Hotch and the rest of the team? 'Sorry, guys, even though we've managed to create a viable undercover story, we're not going to be able to follow through because - oops! - we ruined the whole case by falling in love'?" JJ mocked harshly. "And hey, why don't I just call Will, too, and tell him just how I've damaged our relationship beyond all repair by falling in love with a fellow agent?"

Emily gripped the steering wheel, stunned. "Damaged your relationship beyond all repair," she repeated, her voice monotone and devoid of emotion.

"Let's not fight," JJ pleaded, leaning over to embrace Emily's stiff, unresponsive body. "We can't change what's already happened. We can't back out of our assignment. Tonight might be the last night we have together until we go back to DC and make some serious decisions about our ... our arrangement. Can we please just erase all of that, just for one night, and be us again?"

"Us?" Emily repeated, still refusing to respond to JJ's arms encircling her waist. "What do you mean, 'us'?"

"The 'us' we were that night I first told you I had feelings for you and you told me you'd been in love with me for years. The 'us' we were in that hotel room together. The complicated, messy, uncertainty of 'us' before we took this case."

"And how, exactly, are we supposed to do that?" Emily wanted to know. "We're under surveillance, remember?"

"The backyard," JJ whispered, grasping Emily's chin in her own and forcing their eyes to meet. "We can talk just like we used to talk, before any of this happened, and we can ..." She blushed, allowing the sentence trail off into the air.

"We do need to talk," Emily agreed. "But as far as the rest of it? JJ, I really don't think I can be your 'other woman'. A part of me wants to say that I'll agree to take whatever you feel comfortable giving me, but I know in my heart I can't live like that. I know I need you to be with me completely or not with me at all. If you want to fuck" - anticipating and relishing the way JJ winced upon hearing the vulgar word describing their sexual encounters - "then Alexandra and Vivian can go upstairs and fuck. But I won't make love to you, to the real you, until I know where we stand."

"So ... it was all just 'fucking' to you?" JJ asked in an incredulous whisper.

"Yeah," Emily replied dispassionately, turning her face toward the window so JJ couldn't witness the tears shining in her eyes at the lie. "Fucking you was an unspoken part of the job. I was just doing my job. Weren't you?"

"Yeah. Yeah, of course," JJ stammered, unable to mask the hurt creeping into her voice, the way her fingers cramped tightly against Emily's waist. "But ... I think it's a good idea to spend some time in the backyard. So we can be together and talk without worrying about surveillance. Do you still want to?"