War Has Begun (War Series #1)

Chapter 30

#war1wp

Chapter 30

Enough

Napapikit ako at unti-unting bumalik sa akin ang alaala kung paano ko sinubukang iwan si Jadon noon. I haven't been entirely clear about it because it was a memory I didn't want to recall. Because I knew what I did was awful. Kaya nga nang si Jadon ang unang lumapit sa akin, I couldn't make myself believe it. 

How could he still approach me after what I did to him? 

Kung ano ang nararamdaman ko noon no'ng iwan ko s'ya... hindi ko na maalala. I just know that I felt bad for him... and I felt really guilty. That guilt slowly turned to hatred... first, for me. Then for Jadon.

Siguro dahil alam kong kasalanan ko... pero ayaw kong akuin ang lahat ng pagkakamali. That hate led me to slowly try to leave him. I liked him but I left him because I didn't want what I was feeling. 

Now that he's in front of me and I can sense that I am slowly opening a wound from the past, the guilt is slowly coming back--but it hurts more than the first time. Sinubukan kong kalimutan pero ngayong nasa harapan ko ulit, parang hindi man lang naghilom ang mga sugat at itinago ko lang nang matagal.

I have been so awful to him... but he's still here. Kung malaman n'ya kaya ang totoong dahilan, tuluyan na s'yang lalayo? Susuko? Will he finally wake up and leave me?

Dahil kung 'yon ang desisyon n'ya, kahit masasaktan ako nang sobra, tatanggapin ko dahil alam kong mali ang ginawa ko sa kan'ya. I like Jadon... I love him. But I know that I've done something terrible to him.

Pinagmukha ko s'yang tanga noon. He would try to message me and meet up with me--to talk it out, whatever it was that has been bothering me. Pero puro tipid ang mga sagot ko. Parati kong tinatapos ang usapan. I intentionally made him feel that I didn't want to talk. That I didn't want him. That I didn't want to see him.

How could Jadon allow me to do that to him? To make him look so pitiful? Worthless?

Kung ngayon ko gagawin ang bagay na 'yon sa kan'ya... hindi ko kakayanin. I don't even know how I was able to do that to him before. Dahil ba mababaw ang nararamdaman ko sa kan'ya noon? Dahil mas mahal ko s'ya ngayon?

Kung puwede ko lang pawiin ang sakit na nararamdaman n'ya... ginawa ko na. Kung puwede ko s'yang ilayo sa mga bagay na makakasakit sa kan'ya... ginawa ko na. Pero paano kung ako ang nakakasakit sa kan'ya at ang pag-alis ko ang makakapagpa-pawi ng sakit na nararamdaman n'ya? Can I leave him? For the second time around?

"I'm sorry, Jadon," I told him and I stepped closer to him, holding his polo with my left hand. Parang pinilipit ang puso ko sa sakit dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman n'ya. "I'm sorry, Jadon," ulit ko. 

Please. Stop hurting. Dahil ang sakit din para sa'king makita na nasasaktan ka. Para akong tinatarakan ng kutsilyo sa dibdib sa sakit. And it hurts more to know that it's me who's causing him pain.

Jadon held my waist and I closed my eyes.

"Why did you leave?" He asked and it tore my heart. "Did you not like me? At all?"

I liked you, Jade. But I was blind to the truth before. I failed to realize that the things you lack are not enough reason to ignore all the good things about you. 

"Have I done anything that made you upset?" 

Agad akong umiling at naramdaman ko ang pagdaloy ng hindi ko inaasahang luha sa pisngi ko.

"Did I pressure you? Did you not like me?" He asked.

Pero kahit ngayon n'ya itinatanong ang mga tanong na 'yon, parang ang tagal na no'ng naburo at paulit-ulit n'ya nang nasambit sa hangin. Parang matagal n'ya nang tinanong ang bagay na 'yon pero ngayon ko lang natanggap at narinig mula sa kan'ya.