Dreaming About Him Ever Since

Chapter 13

It's been a week since I started soccer. I practise every day for at least two hours. Logan says i'm improving quickly. I know he's lying but it feels good to finally commit myself to something other than drinking and partying.

I know i've changed. I can see it in the enormous scar that has found it's way onto my left stomach.  I can see it in my brothers when they hesitate, not knowing what to say or how to reply to me.

This is the down side of depression; nobody knows how to react to you. That's the worst case scenario. It's so bad when people change how they are around you because you have a mental illness. They're crawling on egg shells.

I decided to do some boxing when I woke up this morning. I love boxing. Being able to punch and kick something really hard is always relieving for me. It's just lucky that my sprained ankle has healed so quickly.

My hair has now grown out to my mid-shoulder blades. I don't know if I want to cut it again or not. I liked it short because it didn't remind me of how I looked back in Australia but by being in England, I feel like my face has also changed. I'm not the same person. 

I've been dry for months; 127 days to be exact and not one drop of liquor. It's odd finally admitting I was an alcoholic to myself. I was so out of hand and I didn't even have a real good reason to be.

I am conscious - So what? There are better ways of dealing with it than drowning your sorrows in alcohol. 

Like boxing for an example.

After four hours of non-stop boxing, I quit and take a shower. It's Monday so I have to wash my hair. 

It's not a good day. In fact it's one of the worst. My depression may as well be at it's peak. 

Depression.

Such a fucking depressing word.

I hate calling myself depressed. It's not like I want to be but it's not like I don't want to be either. This is what 'depression' does to you; mess up your thoughts so you can't connect the dots.

I pack for training. 

According to Josh, coach starts try-outs next term for the Winter Season. That gives me nine weeks to get as good as I can. Logan thinks I can make the team as I am now but he's just over-encouraging. 

 Valarie was over Saturday night after Josh left but her mum called and she had to go home. It was quite upsetting, I could see she really needed to talk to someone. 

Josh took me to school, unsurprisingly, but he was still quiet and looked really sad. I wonder if he was going through a rough time? 

"Hey, are you OK?" I asked when we arrived at school. He nodded, tucking his hands into his pockets.

"Yeah just thinking about stuff."

"Thinking is what gets you into shit," I respond. He nods. Maybe he's thinking about Mehgan?

I walk off with Valarie after that.

The school day went by as an average school day would; a few tests, assignments here and there and studying. Lots of studying. 

"Is there anything wrong with Josh?" I question Valarie and Riley, out of the blue. Let's just say those thoughts have been bothering me for a long time.

"Yeah but he wont say," Riley replies.

"Why not? Does he usually say?" I ask. I know I sound like a sticky-beak. The two girls shake their head. I shrug and we walk off to our next class. 

"So the high school river cruise is coming up. You two going?" Riley asks us. 

"And miss a chance to doll up and show off the guys what they can't have, no way!" Valarie exclaims. I smile at her.