A week has passed since our little conversation, well frankly it's almost a week and it was not a conversation, it was more me yelling; anyway it definitely had some good result; things have changed and became better, surely we didn't just turn to be a perfect couple in a week, but things get better, he came home earlier, less drunk, it was only two nights but, at least not every night; that is an improvement , we had dinner together few times and we even had some short silly conversation, basically we acted like nothing has happened, we never spoke about it again and we moved on and because he changed his behavior, he knows I wouldn't call his mom and even when I do I won't complain or say anything bad about him.
Speaking of change, we are even watching a movie together tonight, what a strange coincidence; the movie is about war and love, it's called ''The Legend of Hercule''. I don't know why we like to associate these two and even go far to make them alike, in both we may lose or win, in both we have to make the best plans in order to win, I personally think that adding love to war will somehow make it less cruel and give it some human side, to turn thing emotionally but honestly how could you think of love when your life is in danger.
-SOMEONE IS NOT HERE AT ALL".
-Did you say something? And why are you speaking loud? Are you trying to make me deaf? "
-Oh darling, I said many things, but you didn't hear any, what is troubling you? "
Why do men always think that? Just because I'm thinking doesn't necessarily mean I have problems it just means I'm thinking.
-Nope, everything is all right ." I said smiling
-You didn't like the movie then?"
-No, not all, it's beautiful, even if it contains too much visual effect, but the story is good, heroism, sacrifice, and all these things, you know ...."
-Visual effect!! Of course, you have to criticize and find something smart to say, can't you just enjoy a movie as people do!! "
-Ahmm! Things are getting quite interesting, would you let us watch, please? "
And with that, he didn't say a word again during the rest of the movie.
The movie strangely fits what was happing in my life, war; we were definitely in one and it seems like I won this time, not because he loves me or cares about me, but because he loved his mom and didn't want to disappoint her and break her heart, but I wonder how long it will last, for how long I will enjoy what is somehow a victory, which made me feel better but still there is something missing, there is going to be always something missing there between us, just the thought of he is only here and we are sitting next to each other watching a movie together is only because of his love for his mom, it makes me feel disappointed , people may say it's my fault, I dragged his mom in this but Allah knows that I tried, I really tried but he didn't give me much choices.
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Days have passed; things have turned to be stable now at home and I can finally say that I get used to my new life here, I have come to accept it the way it is, surely I hope things will get better, but I know very well that is not going to happen in a few weeks, change takes time ; it begins slowly until it reaches its final step, I just need to be more patient; in the meanwhile I should get a job, start the search party.
I obviously always dreamed to have a good job, to be able to make a change, to affect the others life and make it better; by sitting home all day I'm not doing much, it's time for the little butterfly to come out and live, it's time to fly in London sky , to be a part of something , to do something good is what I want and why I need to find a job.
And that is exactly what I have done, searching online and in newspapers for jobs offer daily hoping to find something for me, that wasn't for sure an easy task, it also took lot of patience; sometimes I just wonder where I can get it all then I simply answer myself you will get patient from Allah, he will give it to you because you know, because you are sure that whoever who wait, who is patient who doesn't complain, but instead trust Allah and know that the good and ease will come; it will come, so, in short, I get patience from belief ; isn't that a wonderful thing!!
I already found two jobs , but I wasn't accepted in any, the interviews were good, but they were too many candidates probably with better skills and experiences, but that didn't stop me from looking.
-Ah! Check out this, BAA is looking for an architect, to do simple office drawings. Woow !! This is the one !!"
-Don't get too excited, it is too soon for that ."
-Can't you just be happy for me Yousef ? " I sighed
- Well, BAA is very known company, like one of the best and you don't actually..... Then he just stopped like he is waiting for me to approve what he will say next or he will just drop it
-What is it, say it? "
-Your diploma is not worth a thing here.
-Thank you so much for your honesty, but I will try anyway, what I get to lose.
"-Yeah, sure darling as you wish, just don't hope too much, you know I hate your face when you are sad.
He is not only so positive and hopeful but also so kind, I had no response to that, sometimes there is just nothing to say, if he wants to be with someone who is happy and smiling to him all the time, then he should have married a doll not a human being, but it's fine I will just take it as a bad sense of humor.
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A black London cab had stopped in front of a high building made of glass and steel, It was so high that you would think it has no end.
I stepped out of the cab and just stand there for a while, observing the building, this is where I may work, just the idea of it filled me with excitement. The building looked as a stranger in this area, it was the only modern one, all of the buildings next to it and in front of it were mostly classical one, a bit of Gothic but none like it, it was strange, alone but also unique.
I get in the big high and white hall, the color white definitely made it look endless, they were too many people getting in and out, walking fast, everyone is in a rush here. I checked my watch, it's almost 10am, I better hurry too, I went straight to the elevator walking as fast as I could .
Once I reached the seven floor, I asked the first person I saw and he guided me, showed me where are Mr. Allan Watson office and his secretary Mrs. Brown, I went straight to her .
-Good Morning, I am here for the job interview.
I talked really fast and breathless, Mrs. Brown smiled at me and said :
-Good Morning Miss, please give me your portfolio, she looked at her watch, then continued : it's 10 am, you are the last one of the interviewees ''.
I handed her the portfolio, she checked it for a few minutes then said
-Everything is here, have a seat please there and wait until I call you .
-Okay. Thank you
And with that I went to the nearest empty chair to sit next to a blonde girl, she looked so beautiful; skinny; tall girl dressing in a short black skirt and white satin shirt, she looked like a model. Then I look at the other chairs to see two other women and three men, they did all look good but not as much my neighbor that made me feel shorter than usual.
The thought made me upset and add in my anxciety and stress level, I spent an hour this morning looking in my closet for something proper to wear, then I end up with a black long skirt, dark grey jacket and pink scarf on my head covering my hair ( I was going to pick a black one, because pink may not suit much for work then I decided to dare, and go for something different ) , I looked around me again, everything did look so perfect, how am I going to get this job, just look at them, they must have better portfolio, looking better, they would definitely fit , not me who look completely as a stranger here ; who would never belong here, this dark thought made me hopeless, and even more stressed .
Only two women left, the one next to me and a ginger woman who seemed older, the interview was short, four persons already passed. I tried not to look around me, I don't want to elevate my stress level more, so I focused on the director's door and recited verses of Quran then I begin to pray ( it's actually called Duaa) '''O Ever-Living One, O Everlasting One, by Your mercy I seek help''
''' O Allah, I am Your servant, son of Your servant, son of Your maidservant, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every name belonging to You which You name Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur'an the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety.'
-Mrs. Brini, it's your turn .
I stood and walked toward the door I have been fixing at, once we reached it Mrs. Brown said smiling '' Good luck '' ,I smiled back trying to hide my stress then she opened the door and let me in .
Few steps and I found myself inside the office, I looked around me, it was a very simple one, it contains only the necessary furniture, but the way they were placed, their design and the few decorations made it looks so fabulous, it was simply the use of small normal things and create with it a piece of art, this was the office, his office.
I walked straight to the desk that was in front of the door, to see a man sitting behind it, he was in the late twenty, beginning of thirty I couldn't say which one is more probable, the first thing that catches my eyes when I looked at him was his hair, it was dark but not black, it was a very dark brown shaggy hair, the contrast between his white skin and dark hair was impossible not to notice it, next thing I saw was his dark blue eyes, they are not the ordinary blue sky blue, his eyes are the ocean, so intense and crystal clear blue, I have never seen in my life such beautiful eyes. He was wearing a black suit; white shirt with royal blue tie that matched with his eye color . He obviously was tall, muscular and well build I would say, he was truly handsome, but also arrogant, I have been standing in front of him for minutes now, my heart was beating so fast to a point that I thought it's going to get out from my chest, and he hasn't said a thing or ask me to sit instead his eyes are still focused on the screen, it's like I wasn't there, like I'm invisible or a ghost; this idea made me angry and even more upset, maybe I'm a ghost to him, how would he see me.
-Have a seat; please, he paused for a few minutes until I sit, then he continues without taking his eyes off the screen : now if you finished staring at me , we can begin .
What did he just say and how would he see and how could he? I was now more furious than ever, I felt warmer; I bet my cheek gets a red paint on them.
-So Miss then he stopped trying to remember the name but before he continues I said
-It's actually Mrs.
He looked at me annoyed, then he came to stand very close to my chair and said:
-What makes you think that you will get this job?
I froze in my place, not knowing what to say, oh my lord, I prepared myself for all the possible questions, for ones that were similar but right now I couldn't come with one sentence, one good answer, my stress; my anger; my anxiety; my beating heart and surely the fact he was so close to me that I could smell his perfume so well were not helping, it made it worse, think, please Rahaf think, say anything but, it was like the words have flown away, have left me here alone in silence and all I could hear was my beating heart.
After a few minutes that felt like forever, he gets back to his chair and said:
- Okay, Miss Brini but before he continues my voice was back, I was angrier than before, angry at myself, at him, why did he called me miss again, then I said in firm voice :
-I said it's Mrs.
This time he looked angry, this is the second time I correct him; WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME !! Nothing, but I just can't take it, he cuts the silence and said with tranquility:
-"Interesting, you talk when you're not supposed to and you're quiet when you're supposed to talk, are you always like this, so contrary ?" After a few seconds he continues" Mrs. Brown, will you give a call in a week to let you know if you're accepted".
-And this is It?
He didn't reply, he simply looked at the door which meant the interview is over, one question and he would decide, there is no other chance, and either you make it or no. I walked so slowly to the door not able to carry my legs, I felt so heavy, I have never been this much embarrass in my all life, I had job interviews and worked before but this silence, this has never happened to me.
When I was out the office, I saw a man talking to the secretary, he is here for the interview too ,but clearly late, he was trying to explain why he was late and ask for a second chance, but she wouldn't let him '' I'm sorry sir, but I can't, he would never accept, I am only doing my job '' . How reckless he was I said to myself how much it would harm him if he makes an exception.
I found myself outside the building and so did that man, I wished if I was late like him, I wished if I have never entered there, I bet he wishes if he was early as me, if it was him who gets out of the office but we can't exchange our role, we can't change what happened, we can only accept it.
I decided to go for a walk before I go home since it is still early to clear my mind, I found a park near so I went hoping the green trees would help me to forget what happened and prepare me for what I will hear once I am home, surely my husband will have a lot to say and comment but of course I don't have to tell him everything in details, it would only made feel worse.