#WhatWouldItBe
My body wants to take a rest already, I've had enough for yesterday and it wanted me to welcome the other day with a fresh muscles and joints. But my heart and mind's too strong so he didn't get what he wants.
"Alak?"
Lumapit sa akin si Trent sabay alok ng beer sa akin. It's not that I don't want it, though. I want something stronger than that. Something that can make me forget about what transpired between Von and I.
For once, I wanted to forget his crying figure.
For once, I wanted to be myself again.
"Hindi na sila nagbebenta ng mas matapang bukod dito.." aniya sabay upo sa katabing upuan.
We are back to the place where he shows the whole truth. I don't know.. I don't know why we ended up here, perhaps because of the silence around it? Siguro nga.
"Why?"
He shrugs and chugs his own, "May nalunod daw noon na lasing, kaya kung kaya, hindi na sila magbebenta kapag madilim."
Taas-baba pa ang kilay niya nang sabihin iyon. Mas lalo lang tuloy akong hindi naniwala. "You're just joking.." kinuha ko na lang at ininom.
"I am.." tumawa siya at tumitig sa akin. "Alas tres na, dapat hindi na umiinom."
"Then why did you buy one?" tawa ko. What shocks me was I can look him in the eye now. I can let my own self see his shadow and immediately, not feeling mad or what to him.
Now, kaya ko na siyang makita na walang galit sa puso ko.
Von coated my heart with fake stories that occurred anger in me and Trent did a great job to mangle everything down until my pure heart finally shows after many years.
I don't want to say it yet but... thank you.
"Ramdam ko na kailangan mo kahit isa lang..." oh, God. They knew how much I hate to see him smiling because it only makes me feel bad for myself.
Because... how can he be so happy when I'm here, still weeping because of what he did?
But yeah.. we both misconstrued everything up and I think.. that was just normal since we both have no idea we were both played by ruthless minds.
His peaceful smile is contagious and it quickly affects my whole system. "Wow.." that's the only thing I could say and went quiet after.
He never talks.
He never asks.
He never brought up the what happened between the talk I had with Von.
May parte sa puso ko na sinasabing huwag na pero may malaking porsyento nito na gusto kong magtanong siya.
But the courage I need to say that was nowhere to be found. Tried looking for it but when it's not yours, it will never be yours.
So it stays inside my mind. Maybe tomorrow or the next day..
Malakas na umihip ang hangin. We both facing the sea and the wind is no wonder cold as fuck. I saw him tremble from his seat and I immediately chuckled about that.
"You know that night's always cold pero naka sando ka pa rin.."
He glanced at me and looks down, "Wala namang masama, ah?"
"Wala naman akong sinabi na masama.. Ang sabi ko, alam mong gabi pero nakasando ka.." tumawa ako. "Why are you in your sando, then?"
Uminom muna siya roon sa beer at marahas na pinunasan ang labi. His lips went plumper than the last time I've seen him. It got me wonder how many lips that lips had ever kissed when I was away?
Knowing him? Baka marami na.
"Gusto ko lang.." tumango-tango siya. And there's silence again.
Hindi ako sumagot. "You're checking me out?" mapanuya nitong sambit.
"K-kapal mo naman!" I crumbled the tissue and tossed it at him. "Why? A-are we okay now?"
"Bakit ka nabubulol?" tawa na naman niya.
"So?" umirap ako at tinuloy na lang ang pag-inom. Right away, his levity fades away like someone blew it away from him.
"Naka sando ako kasi.." bumaba ang tingin. "At last.. my home is already free from everything."
May malaking buntong hininga pagkatapos noon. "Why? Nanakawan ka?"
"Sinasabi mo?"
"You said your home is now clear from everything.. Did you get robbed?"
Hindi siya makapaniwalang nakatingin sa akin. What? I'm just saying the possible grounds why he said that! Why is he giving me looks like I'm retarded or something?
"Naisip mo talaga 'yan?"
"Paligoy-ligoy ka kasi sa mga sinasabi mo.. Daming arte.."
"Hindi arte iyon, sweetness."
"Sweet na bigla kang magreference sa nararamdaman mo sa isang bahay?"
"Ang hater mo.."
"I used to hate you, that's why."
Umirap siya at sumuko na. "You're now felt like home. Kaya ako naka ganito.."
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kaniya, the only thing that was different from us was the top. I'm in my blue plaid shirt and him in his red Basketball jersey and black shorts.
His haircut has been shorter now, and the wind has nothing to blow on him because it's too short for them to be blown away.
Ngumuso ako at bahagyang natawa. "You're drunk.."
Pumungay mga mata niya.. "Anong oras ka matutulog?"
"Why?"
"Just answer it, baby.."
Tumaas lahat ng balahibo ko sa katawan dahil sa narinig. I can't even think or recall the last time he called me in his favorite endearment for me but... gah.. it hits different now.
"D-depende.." garagal kong sagot. "I might sleep or not.."
"Bakit?" ubos na niya ang beer. Ayaw ko nang uminom kaya sa kaniya ko pinatuloy.
And he didn't think twice on chugging it without wiping the hole where I drank s while ago. Wow.
"Hindi pa ako inaantok." I put my knees on the chair and hugged it while staring at the sea.
I don't know if he's saying the truth na alas tres na but he seem true to that because everything is still pitch black. The only light sea have are the lights from stores and the moon above us.
There's time that I think about... does Moon feel lonely every time it rises every night? I mean.. sun was out and the other heavenly bodies is far away from it.
Does it ever get lonely for it?
Especially, it's been there for almost four billion years.
Did it occurs to him na... nakakalungkot din mag-isa?
Got no idea why I'm thinking this. Hindi naman sa mag-isa ako noong nagkagulo noon, there's Von that I thought true-blue to me turns out he's not.. but I still got time to think about the innocent moon.
"Kantahan kita.." suhestyon niya. "Kagaya rati? Sabi nila, gumanda naman na boses ko. Judge mo nga para masure ko na hindi nila ako niloloko.."
May kuminang sa mata niya nang sabihin na ginagawa niya iyon sa akin noon. Yes, he does that and up 'til now, that memory is vivid and something that I will never ever trade for anything.
"Talaga? Niloloko ka lang nun.."
"Naging hater ka na talaga 'no?" tumawa siya. "Pero sige na? Ang laki na ng eyebags mo, promise, hindi ko dadagdagan 'yan, magpapasalamat ka pa sa akin."
A heartful laugh escaped my mouth and put my feet on the sand again, sumulyap ako sa iniinom. "Ubos na?" tumango siya at mas lalo lang lumawig ang ngiti nang makita akong tumayo.
"Kapag ako hindi nakatulog, Redido ah?" lumapit na ako sa kaniya. Ramdam ko ang kaunting pag-alon ng tingin.
Bigla siyang tumigil sa pagtayo. Parang tanga na naiwan sa ere, "What you doing?"
"Namiss ko pagtawag mo sa akin ng apelyido ko.." kahit madilim, kita ko ang pula ng pisngi niya. "Namiss din kitang tawaging baby ko.."
Umarte akong nasuka pero tumawa rin pagkatapos. "Tara na.. Handa na akong patunayan na mali ang sinasabi nila.."
Bigla niya akong inakbayan and for the first time in forever, I felt secure. For real. "I doubt that.." he whispers.
***
After a week, I decided to quit my job.
It's my choice. I consulted Nale about it, I asked about my friends about it and I spewed truths and grounds why I want to quit my job. Yes, it was hard for me.
Especially, Nale. He still didn't know about anything, and I doubt if he knows already. Walang lumalabas sa news na dahilan kung bakit pinili ni Trent ibreak ang contract niya with Tiffany.
Everyone's making theories about it, like Trent cheated, or it was Tiffany who did that. But just like what he promised, he'll never ever disclose the real reason. A lawsuit is waiting for Tiffany if she does break her promises.
Since Nale's still has no idea that we're good now, sigurado na hindi siya umaalam kung anong nangyari sa industry ni Trent. And I somehow let it be like that.
Nahirapan ako noong kinausap ko sila dahil.. alam ko na ibrobrought up ni Nale si Von sa usapan. And yes, he did mention his name.
I don't want to sound or act suspicious because I know Nale, kahit hindi kami nagkikita ay alam niya kung I'm stating the truth of not.
The best thing that I can do was to shrug. And he, surprisingly, bought what I answered him.
Today, I grabbed all my things and made a quiet departure in the firm. I know, I shouldn't be shocked when everyone was blown away by the news and decision I made.
Kung kailan ako bumalik ng trabaho, doon din ako nagpaalam sa trabaho.
I asked them to not throw any party. The only thing that I made them fulfill what I asked to was I said I might go back in here. And voila! They bid their goodbyes casually, with no revel but soft goodbyes and good luck.
"Bakit naman biglaan?"
My mind wants to laugh at Ellis, kung lahat ay nagulat, siya ay gulat na gulat nang sabihin ko iyon. Although I may know the reasons why he felt that way but you know... I just feel like quitting here.
Nandito si Von.
And it'd be awkward to see him in here every day of my life. At ayoko dumating sa punto na magtaka ang iilan kung bakit sobrang formal na ng usapan namin kung nagkataon.
Kaya bago pa mangyari iyon, cord was automatically cut right away.
"Hindi ko rin alam.." tumawa ako. Dahil sa sarili. Hindi sa kaniya. "But may idea ka naman siguro na a certain person couldn't stay in one place, right?"
Kumunot lang ang noo niya. He still hasn't changed. Same Ellis I knew before I took a leave and same Ellis now, helping me to bring my things out in the firm.
"Alam ko naman 'yun! Pero wala ka naman kasing pasabi!" parang bata niyang turan.
"I suppose that's what sudden resignation means, right?"
Pinindot ko ang button ng elevator at pumasok na kaming dalawa. "Why? May nakaaway ka ba?"
"Wala.."
"New job?"
"Not considering right now.."
"Migrate?"
"Still prefer this country," ngumiti ako. "Ellis, nangako naman ako na may probability na bumalik ako, right?"
"Promises are meant to be broken," malungkot niya pa ring sabi.
God. I wanted to hug him. For the past few years, siya ang mas maraming porsyento na nakakausap ko sa buong firm. Kung sa iba, it's all work matters but to him? Puro outside workplace din ang usapan naming dalawa.
That's the reason why I get attached to him, and probably, him, too.
"I can't promise na mabibisita kita rito palagi.."
"Kasi nga may bago ka nang work.."
"Wala nga akong bagong work.. Gonna take a rest or whatever. But your birthday is coming, I'll come over. Pangako."
That was enough to lit his face up. It calms me to see the levity in him after I mentioned his birthday. Bakit ko naman makakalimutan?
He drops the idea and just told me about what happened noong wala kaming dalawa ni Von. Kinakabahan ako kasi baka napapansin niya na hindi ko nababanggit si Von.
And God, he has no idea that I'll quit today. Lord was good enough kasi nasa Supreme Court daw si Von kaya malaya akong makakaalis dito.
Hindi ko iyon sinadya.
Talagang ngayon ko kukunin mga gamit ko.
And the senior associates promised me na once I bid goodbye to the firm, doon lang malalaman ni Von ang nangyari. We strike a deal and I'm hoping that would work.
"Kumusta birthday ni Atty?" there it is.
"Good.." I made my voice sound casual, just like how I remember I answer them when they asking me about him.
"Good lang?"
"Why? You want Old English adjectives to describe it, Ellis?" sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. "But it went good, than I thought it would be. Sana sa susunod imbitahin na niya kayo.."
And when he did that, I'm no longer with you, guys.
Mahabang tango ang kaniyang sagot. My phone rings and I saw a text from Trent na nasa labas na raw siya. Susunduin niya kasi ako pagkatapos ko kunin ang mga gamit.
Shit. Hindi pwedeng malaman ni Ellis na si Trent ang ride ko dahil sigurado na magtataka iyon! Dammit!
"Ellis, come to my office. Something happened and you are needed in it."
Napatingin sa akin si Ellis doon and I stopped myself from jumping because thank you Attorney for saving me!
"Thank you for helping me. Iwan mo na lang kay kuya guard, siya na lang tutulong sa akin. My ride is outside naman na.." ngiti ko.
But he looks so defeated. He really wanted himself to bring me goodbye. But what can we do? Tawag siya at kapag urgent, urgent.
Nang nasa guard na ang hawak niya, he pulled me for a big hug. Niliko ko ang hawak na box so he can hug me the tighter he wanted.
"Mamimiss kita Attorney..." halos naiiyak nitong bitaw. "Sa birthday ko ah? Kahit wala nang regalo, just come over.."
"Oo naman!" tumawa ako kahit pinalis ang luha sa mga mata. "Sige na, that might be urgent so don't waste time."
He's wearing a semi-formal and he fixed himself before standing straight. I looked like a proud relative of him, staring in his good posture.
"Goodbye.." we both said in unison. When Ellis turns his back on me, parang mas bumigat lang lahat.
Everything will be okay. We'll start and heal from this. I promise you that.
***
Packing everything I have in my deskwas enough to make me feel worn, like I just had a one-day run in an endless stadium.
When Ellis was gone in my sight, pinasunod ko ang guard hanggang makita ko na ang pamilyar na kotse ni Trent. It's blue BMW. Different from what I knew from before.
Kinatok ko si Trent sa bintana at mabilis niya iyon binaba. I instructed him to open the lock of the trunk para doon ko na lang ilalagay.
He insisted on helping me but I positions myself so he can see that a guard from the firm is helping me. And I don't think it's a good idea to let him be out, wala siyang disguise, the issue's still burning the media.
Not a great way to fuel it more.
"Salamat kuya.." sabi ko nang ibaba ang trunk.
"Nagresign na kayo, attorney?" inosente niyang tanong.
"Ah. Opo. Biglaan nga po, e." tawa ko.
Kita ko na naman ang gulat sa mata niya, nasanay na rin ako at bago pumasok, nagpasalamat ako sa tulong at sa mga bati niya tuwing umaga at tuwing uwian ng hapon sa akin. That's just a simple move for him but I really appreciate him for doing that.
"Stefan.."
Pumasok na ako sa loob at marahan na pinunasan ang pawis sa noo. Fuck. I shouldn't have clad myself in my usual uniform in the firm. Ang init!
"Yeah?"
"Ikakasal na si Paul?" bigla akong natigilan.
Nang lingunin ko siya, hawak niya ang pamilyar na invitation, invitation na bigay sa akin ni Paul noon para sana sa kasal nila.
Great! Malapit na rin iyon, ah! I think I need to be updated from there?
"You don't know?"
"Hindi ako magtatanong kung alam ko na.." iling niya. "But is it true?"
I answered him yes. I don't want him to go faw away yet kaya kwinento ko sa kaniya iyong naging unexpected encounter naming dalawa ni Paul.
And how it leads me on being invited. Hindi ko pinalampas iyong sinabi sa akin ni Paul na hindi niya papadalhan si Trent, na dapat, pero dahil hindi ko pa alam noon, hindi na raw.
"He's so... ang sama naman niya!" natawa ako sa reaksyon. "Sinabi niya 'yun? Huwag ka na pumunta!"
"Hey! E sa hindi ko pa nga alam noon! And we can talk about it with them, malapit na ang kasal, I'll ring them right away to have you invited.."
Nanatili sa akin ang mata niya hanggang ngumiti siya. "Where did you get this?"
"Kinuha ko sa bag mo.." hunagikgik siya. "Akala ko kasi kung ano.."
"You think I'm getting married?"
"Parang ganun na rin.."
"Wow. Kanino mo naman ako naisipan na ikakasal?" I buckled my seatbelt after that.
"Kanino pa ba?"
"Von?"
Hindi siya kaagad nakasagot. When I glanced at his side, nakaderetso ang tingin niya. Looks like he just saw a ghost in daylight.
I couldn't help but laugh. Pero sinundan ko rin ang tingin niya and fuck... now I know why he's looking outside!
"Mabuti nandito ka na sa loob.." he grabs my hand when we both saw Von closed the door of his car.
A car that I was onced inside.
A car that I don't think I'm gonna have the chance to beside him again.
Hindi iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ako balisa. I knew it already, that he might come and he will see me with my things. I don't think about the possibility of what he'll do if that happens
Because now.. his gray hair was the one who caught my attention now. "'Di ba ginto buhok niya noon?"
My mind has its own. It nods a little. "Mukha siyang gago," tawa niya pagkatapos.
Ramdam ko ang paninikip ng dibdib. Mabilis siyang umakyat sa mini stairs at napatigil halfway. Doon ako tinamaan ng kaba.
"Tinted naman 'to, right?"
"Yes... bakit?"
Umiling ako. Akala ko magtatagal si Von doon, kasi baka napansin niya na may nakatitig sa kaniya. I can only see his side view, and God, I remorse everything he did but that doesn't mean he looks bad after that.
He's wearing a glasses, unusual for him and a briefcase. Just like me in almost shoe brown suit, he continues his walk until he was gone from our sight.
"Tara na... Baka magwala ka pa kung mag stay pa tayo rito.."
He's trying to make me feel better but... I'm not yet that better. I still need time. Time to process everything.
Time to accept that he's just a stranger in my life, that I can just recognize anywhere.