TW: brief mention of miscarriage
Harry's POV
"Do you have any ideas you're going to bring up today?" I ask Lou in the car on the way to the studio.
"Nah. Not really. I've sort of been in a writing slump since we left Malibu." he tells me.
"You haven't written anything?"
"Oh, I've written plenty. I just think it's all a bit shit." he says. I roll my eyes.
"Oh, please. You're the best lyricist I've ever met. You don't even have to try. You make it look as easy as breathing." I tell him. He grins and shakes his head, looking out the window. It's the truth! He always gets down on his own writing, but in reality his songs are consistently the best.
"Thanks, pumpkin. Do you have any ideas?" he asks me. I shrug.
"I mean, yeah. I definitely have ideas, but I don't know if I'm going to bring them up or not. They're kind of personal." he nods.
"Are they good?"
"I think so. It just might not be a good time to bring up the subject matter." I explain. He nods again, knowingly.
"I don't know if Zayn's coming today or not." Lou says. My heart sinks a little more. I know it wasn't necessarily me who hurt him directly, but I know I played a big part and I still feel just as bad. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's upset with me as well. I hate that I haven't apologized or at least spoken with him yet. I was planning to speak with him today.
"Why not? You've spoken to him?" I ask. Lou nods.
"Last night on the phone, yeah. He said he needed some time away from everyone. He just wants to be alone right now." he says. I feel really sad for Zayn. I just hope he's not avoiding me.
Zayn and I are very close. Other than Lou, I'd say Zayn is the best, closest, dearest friend I've ever had. I know we'll always stand up for each other and be there to support one another. He makes me feel so comfortable being emotionally vulnerable. He's one of the first people I call when I need a friend, and I know he'd say the same about me. That said, Zayn and I have this unspoken rivalry that sits constantly in the back of our minds. Sometimes, we're able to ignore it altogether while other times it's so completely obvious; nonetheless, it's always there like an elephant in the room. I think everyone can sense it, but none of us ever address it directly.
Zayn and I are extremely similar in a lot of ways: we both tend to get caught up in our thoughts and we're both quite emotional by nature. We think about and see the world in very similar ways and we both highly value perspective--even though he's a lot better at getting perspective than I am. Our similarities often cause us to compare ourselves to one another. We'll be the first to defend each other against outside forces, but when it comes to defending ourselves against each other, we usually just end up arguing like brothers. We can switch from pouring out our undying love and support onto each other to wanting to kill each other in a matter of minutes.
I hate fighting with him--it's probably the thing I hate doing most in the whole world. Fighting with each other is often like fighting with the worst of ourselves because of how similar we are. We know each other so well that we know exactly what to say to hurt each other. The worst, most hurtful arguments I've ever been involved in have been arguments I've had with Zayn. I never mean to pick fights with him and I know he never means to pick fights with me, but when we get upset with each other, the situation is bound to end in disaster.
Zayn and I have literally had to set boundaries for how we are allowed to fight with each other. About a year ago now, we got into a really nasty fight. I don't even remember what it was about--it seems so insignificant in hindsight. We were all hanging out at mine and Lou's, and tensions between Zayn and me had been so high all night. At one point, Liam, Lou, and Niall disappeared for a minute or two. When they all came back, Zayn and I were practically trying to kill each other. No one could get us off of each other, not even Lou. We fucked each other up pretty badly. Eventually, the lads stopped trying to intervene and I got sick of fighting, so I threw as hard a punch as I could and knocked Zayn unconscious. I've never felt as much instant regret and guilt as I did in that moment.
After that fight, Zayn had a concussion and I had a sprained wrist and a nearly dislocated shoulder. Lou was so mad at both of us, and I was so mad at myself. Since then, Zayn and I agreed to try our hardest not to get physical with each other when we fight. We agreed that no fight, no matter how upset we are, is worth putting each other in the hospital. Of course, there are still times when we forget or simply don't care enough to follow that rule, but in general we stick to it. We haven't gotten seriously physical with each other since then.
Since we agreed not to get physical with each other, though, we have had to become experts at destroying each other verbally. Zayn has always been better at words than me--at least in my opinion. He takes the things he knows I'm insecure about and uses them against me with such unmatchable eloquence and force. When he's really upset with me, he knows exactly what to say and how to say it in order to shut me down completely. He can definitely pack a mean punch physically, but I would venture to say that his words are able to hurt me way worse than any physical fight ever could. I think he knows that, too.
Like I said, I really hope he's not too upset with me. I really don't feel like fighting with him, even though I know I probably deserve it. I can't help but think about how he probably wouldn't be upset or hurt at all if Lou and I hadn't asked him to go to Malibu. When I decided not to go, I wanted Lou to go. I knew that he'd keep Briley laughing, and there's no one else I trust to take care of her in my absence more than him. I practically begged Lou to go back to Malibu, but he was convinced it would be better for Zayn to go, especially after the miscarriage.
I feel for Zayn, I really do. I feel awful about what Briley and I did to him. I got so caught up in how much I love and missed her that I jumped at the chance to be with her again. I don't regret going to Paris for a second. I know I'd do it all over again in an instant if I could. But I also know that we really hurt him, which saddens me beyond believe. I know being with me is what Briley wants, and, selfishly, I'm really happy to have her back. I just wish it didn't have to happen at Zayn's expense.
I really hope he comes to the studio today. In some way, I feel like if he doesn't, that will be confirmation for me that I've really, really hurt him. I know I have, but I hope he's not so hurt to the point where he feels like he can't come to the studio if I'm around. I think Zayn is more professional than that, though. I don't think he'd allow his hurt to get in the way of coming to the studio and doing what needs to be done. It is work, after all.
"Well, I mean... he has to come, right? It's work. He can't just let his feelings decide whether he comes or not, can he?" I ask aloud. Lou looks at me and laughs a little.
"What? You mean like how you let your feelings decide to ditch work for three days while you snuck off to Paris with his girlfriend without telling anyone?" Lou responds. I go quiet and look down. He's right. He's always right. I know I can always count on Lou to tell me the harsh truth, but I have to admit, that hurt a little. Lou puts his hand on my knee. "Sorry, pumpkin. I didn't mean to sound harsh. I know you're already upset about this." he comforts me. I take a breath and keep my head down.
"It's okay. It's the truth." I respond as we finally pull up to the studio.
As we walk inside, I notice we're the first of the five of us to arrive. Lou likes to be early. It's sort of a blessing for me because I'm typically late. If it weren't for him, I'd almost never show up on time, let alone be early. We shake hands with the writers. One of them we've written with before, the other two we've never met. One of our managers sits in the corner. It's pretty typical to have at least one representative of Modest Management at each of our writing sessions, making sure to approve every lyric we write. They don't usually say much or interact as we write. They're mainly there to take notes and jump in if they disapprove of something, then report back to Simon with notes once we're done. As we introduce ourselves to the writers, Liam walks in. We all mingle for a while as we wait for Niall and Zayn to show up.
"I'm going to ring Z, I'll be right back." Lou announces to the group. I try to engage in small talk, but I become all too preoccupied with eavesdropping on Lou's phone conversation. "Mate! Are you coming to the studio today?... Alright?... No. Niall hasn't arrived yet either... Yes, he's here..." Lou says, turning to look at me. He notices I'm eavesdropping and turns fully away from me. "...Are you sure?... Fantastic, I'll let everyone know. See you soon, mate... Bye." Lou hangs up and comes back to the group. He puts his arm around my shoulders. "Zayn will be here shortly, he's just running a little late." Lou tells us. He looks at me smiling and nods once. I simultaneously feel at ease and incredibly nervous. I'm glad Zayn is coming, but I'm so scared of how he'll act around me. I hope all goes well. Niall walks in.
"Lads!" he calls to us all, setting his guitar down by the door. He hugs all of us and introduces himself to the writers. He comes back over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"Hazza, how are you doing today?" he asks me. It dawns on me that the last time I spoke with him, I was quite upset and not really acting myself. It was the day Briley and I went to Paris. I give him a smile and another hug.
"Great, Nialler. Glad to see you. Ready to write?" I respond. He pulls away and nods. Lou glances at his phone, then looks back up at the group.
"Z says to start without him and he'll jump in once he's here." Lou tells us. We start to get settled around the room. I sit between Lou and Niall. Niall tunes his guitar and the writers ask the dreaded question:
"So, what are we writing today, boys?" I avert my eyes. I always feel like a little kid in a classroom who doesn't want the teacher to call on him when I hear that question. Thankfully, Niall perks up.
"I have something I'm pretty excited about if no one else has anything." he says, holding his pick in his mouth.
"I've got nothing. Tommo?" Liam says. Lou shrugs.
"Not really, Haz?" he asks me. I shake my head and look back at Niall. He finishes tuning and takes the pick out of his mouth.
"Alright, okay. So it's only a chorus so far, or what I imagine could be a chorus..." he says. He starts strumming and singing some broken lyrics. "Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy till we see the sun. Da da da da da da da da da da da da. Da da da da da da da da da--anyone. Tonight, da da da, and live while we're young." I love it, it's so upbeat and fun.
"I really like that." Lou says.
"Thanks. I wrote it right after Briley's birthday party in Malibu and I've been waiting for a chance to show everyone. I think it's pretty okay." Niall says. I can't help but smile at the memories of that night. The writers seem to like it, too, seeing as they're pretty enthusiastic about filling in lyrics in the chorus. One goes over to the piano and looks at Niall.
"What chords were that again? It was a D..." he asks Niall. Niall nods and plays the chords one more time. The writer picks it up fairly quickly as the chords aren't that difficult. We all start singing the chorus, throwing out random words and phrases that we could add as lyrics. In the middle of the madness, just as we've nearly finished the chorus, Zayn walks in. We all stop playing and singing and turn our attention to him. I feel my nerves creeping up on me quickly. He doesn't even look at me.
"Hey, lads!" he says. He seems to be doing alright. He gives Lou a quick hug, then walks right past me to the writers. He introduces himself and apologizes for being late, then sits right next to Liam who is on the other side of Lou: as far away from me as possible. I start to get in my own head, and Lou notices. Lou puts his arm around me again and whispers to me.
"Get out of there." he says. I take a deep breath and nod. I try to refocus as Niall explains the concept for the song to Zayn. We start playing and singing again and Zayn jumps in to add the finishing line to the chorus. It's perfect.
"...Tonight let's get some, and live while we're young." We all look at the writers to see how they feel and they all nod enthusiastically, then look to the manager in the corner. He nods and goes back to taking notes. We sing through the chorus a couple more times just to solidify what we've come up with, then we take a break. I talk with Niall for a bit, but then notice Lou and Zayn talking alone. I figure if there's any good time to snag Zayn for a moment, no matter how nervous I am, now would be it.
"I'll be right back." I tell Niall. Niall nods and starts messing around on his guitar. I go over to Lou and Zayn and they both turn their attention to me. Lou's smile comforts me a bit, but I feel like I'm already crumbling standing in front of Zayn.
"Hey, pumpkin. What's up?" Lou asks me. I look at Zayn.
"Uh... Could I--" I start to ask him. He cuts me off.
"Sorry, Harry. I can't." Zayn says before walking off to talk to Liam. I stand there frozen. Great. So he does hate me. Lou puts his hand on my shoulder and I feel like I could cry. He turns me so I'm facing away from everyone.
"Don't. It's okay. He needs time. It's just hard for him to be around you right now. You understand that, right?" Lou says to me quietly, trying to ground me a bit. I nod, but keep my eyes on the floor. "Hey, Hazza, could you look at me a sec?" Lou asks me. I hesitate, afraid that if I look at him, I'll feel comfortable enough to cry. I muster all the strength I can and look at him. He gives me a small smile and holds eye contact with me. "It's okay. I'm here." he says slowly and quietly. I take a shaky breath and hug him. "Don't cry." he tells me, almost as if he's warning me. I try to hold back my tears as best I can and keep hugging him. The last thing either of us want to do is make a scene out of this, especially whilst Zayn is not even ten feet away. One tear escapes my eye and I pull out of the hug quickly, knowing I have to shut myself down before I completely lose control of my emotions. Lou looks around my shoulder at everyone else, then wipes my tear away discreetly. "He's looking." he whispers through his teeth. He smiles like nothing is wrong and nods at me to do the same. I force a smile and he laughs convincingly. "Do you know what? That's actually really funny!" he says loudly, putting his hand on my shoulder. He always knows.
After ten minutes is up, the writers call us back to continue writing. We flesh out the first verse and prechorus before taking another ten minute break. I look at the clock and realize it's already been three hours. I turn to Lou.
"I'm going to step out and call Bri." I tell him quietly. He looks at Zayn who is standing across the room, talking with Liam.
"I'll keep him from noticing you're gone." he responds. I nod and wait for him to get Zayn to turn so that he's no longer facing the door. I step outside and dial Briley's number. She answers almost instantly.
"Hi!" I hear her say. I instantly smile. Even just hearing her voice makes me feel better.
"Hi, princess. How is it going?" I ask her.
"Good. I've been watching movies. I just made myself something to eat not too long ago. Hey, where's the kettle?" she asks.
"Uh... should be on the stove? We don't usually put it away. Is it not there?" I ask. She pauses, presumably to go look in the kitchen.
"Ah. Glanced right over it." she says. I laugh a little.
"Making tea?" I ask her.
"I told you, crumpets and tea!" she responds with a terribly overdone British accent. I laugh. "There it is. I've been missing that laugh. Is everything going well? Written any smash hits yet?" she asks. I blush a little, but my smile quickly fades when I remember what's been going on inside with the awkward tension between Zayn and me.
"Sort of. Niall came in with a great song idea that we've been working on for a couple of hours now. You're going to love it if it makes it onto the album. I think it will, though. I really like it and so do the writers so far." I tell her.
"What's wrong, my love? You sound a little sad." she asks. Gosh, am I really that transparent even over the phone?
"No, I'm okay. It's just that... well, um..." I trail off, not really wanting to upset her while she's alone.
"Is it Zayn?" she asks me. I take a deep breath and a pause.
"I don't want you to worry or be upset, princess. Everything's okay. I'm just... being the way I am." I reply.
"There's nothing wrong with being compassionate. That's what I love about you." she says. I smile a bit.
"Thank you." I say.
"You're welcome. And remember what I said about getting in your own head: beautiful thoughts, but not all useful ones." she says. I nod.
"Pumpkin, we're ready." Lou calls to me, peeking outside for a second. I turn around and nod.
"Thank you. I'll try to remember. I have to go, princess. But I'll still keep my phone on me if you need anything. And Lou has his, too. I love you." I tell Bri, walking towards the door.
"I love you too. See you later." she replies. I hang up and go back inside. Everyone is already settled and discussing lyrics for verse two. As I walk back over to my spot between Niall and Lou, I make eye contact with Zayn who quickly looks away from me. I take a deep breath and sit down. Lou puts his hand on my knee. Will this day ever end?