There were still moments when I hated myself. Like when I was making love to Byeol and occasionally Ha-Neul's image would visit my thoughts and kill the mood. The worst part was that more than guilt towards Tae or my girlfriend I felt mainly frustration that it was just a fantasy. She was never mine like that.
Or when I would chat with Tae and sometimes I would randomly imagine him having sex with her. It made me feel ashamed of myself. But at the same time I found it a little excusable. To be honest, I couldn't really understand why I had all these dirty thoughts. I never used to be such a sexual person but I had all these odd urges lately.
I put it down to the fact that I am more comfortable with my own body and I want to experiment more and get to know myself even better. Which would be perfectly fine, if it didn't have to involve my friend's girlfriend.
So my desire to make love to Byeol slowly faded away because I wouldn't get aroused anymore, knowing I would touch her, but in my head I would touch someone else. She didn't ask any questions or reprimand me. She was too good for me sometimes. I didn't plan to make it a permanent thing though, just take a break so I can get rid of my sinful obsession. It wasn't fair on her.
Even my dance moves were getting more bold and sensual. No one complained about it though, it was suitable for my occupation. It all started when we were asked to perform Rain's Rainism for a television show, with Jungkook in the center, singing it and me and Taehyung as the main dancers. It was a sexy song and I always thought the playboy attitude would look ridiculous on me, but I realized it actually suited me. It looked natural. My friends would call me J-Hoe or J-Hot sometimes but I wasn't offended, it would actually put a smile on my face.
Summer holiday was coming to an end and school was about to start in a few days. The agency gave us the rest of the week off and we would resume practice once we go back to school. So me and the boys decided to spend the time together, away from civilization, in a camping trip in the mountains. It wasn't only the seven of us anymore, more than half of us were in a relationship. But the more the merrier, right?
I don't know through what miracle Ha-Neul ended up accepting to come as well, I assumed she found out that I have a girlfriend and thought it's safe ground. Or maybe she got tired of avoiding my ghost. I wasn't bothered by it, but it did make me slightly nervous. Maybe it was a good opportunity to make order in my life once and for all and get closer to Byeol, being reminded she doesn't belong to me. There was also a small chance it might go the wrong way and that scared me. But there was no way back now.
Jin was the only one with a driving license, so we rented a camper van that would fit us all inside for the road, then we will split into groups and sleep in tents. The journey was quite pleasant actually. It was easy for me and Ha-Neul to stay away from each other as there were nine more people to socialize with. Hopefully I worried for nothing. We stopped at a big supermarket first to buy all the necessary provisions.
Byeol was glued to my side, acting coy about the whole situation and I found it really cute, she never looked timid in my presence before.
"Are you uncomfortable?" I asked, wrapping my arm around her waist and pulling her closer.
"No, it's just... All your friends are so cool! And their girlfriends so pretty! I just feel a bit overwhelmed! I don't know who to speak with first! What if they don't like me?" she confessed.
I laughed at her existential problem and kissed her forehead. "There's nothing not to like about you, sweetie pie! Let's just start with the first person that we bump into to make it easier!" I encouraged her.
It didn't take long to regret my words and want to take them back. Ha-Neul appeared in front of us, focused on reading the ingredients on a package. Tae was nowhere to be seen and I couldn't avoid the situation.
"H-Hi, my name is Byeol! Please, take good care of me!" she bowed politely and caught Ha-Neul's attention.
"Oh, hi! It's so nice to meet you, finally!" she smiled and hugged my girlfriend affectionately. "I thought Hobi wouldn't let you talk to me!" she gave me a cold stare and I frowned. "I am Ha-Neul! I hope we will get along well!" she giggled.
Moments later they were chatting as if they knew each other for ages and it made me happy to see Byeol relaxed, but I felt uneasy at the same time. I was walking behind, staring at the girl I love, but wish not to and the girl I am trying to love.
I wanted to focus on Byeol, but my eyes kept moving back to Ha-Neul. She was wearing an off shoulders summer playsuit that revealed a bit too much skin and her hair was kept in a messy bun. I bit my lower lip, allured. I think this trip will be harder than I thought.
After we finished the shopping session, Jin got in the driver seat and I sat in the seat next to him, to make sure I can avoid Ha-Neul. She looked like she took over my girlfriend completely. I wasn't worried though, she was the nicest person I knew. But I still had to stay away from her, to me she was worse than the devil.
The journey took a few hours and it was late afternoon when we arrived at the destination. We had four tents and the camper van to sleep into. So we decided the four couples would get the tents and Jin, Yoongi and Jungkook would keep the car.
We set up the tents while my hyungs cooked some delicious food for us. Ha-Neul had only a banana, then went for a walk on her own, while the rest of us were busy still eating. I followed her silhouette disappear behind the trees and wondered if there is something wrong. I can't go after her and it killed my appetite.
"Tough to be vegan! You miss all the pleasures in life!" Jin said and everyone giggled.
"I think she's amazing! If only I wouldn't like hamburgers that much..." Tae confessed.
"Of course you do, that's why she is your girlfriend!" Jimin teased.
"I think she is amazing as well!" Byeol added and I smiled at her reaction. I know she is. Everyone approved.
"Is she alright? We haven't seen her for such a long time! Why did you keep her away from us, hyung?" Jungkook pouted.
"Because she is too precious and I had to protect her from you rascals!" Tae replied impishly.
"But I really missed her! Everyone did. You know we like her a lot! You're such a mean friend!" Jungkook whined.
"When you'll get a girlfriend you will understand!" Namjoon added.
"But you never kept me away from your friends!" Cho frowned. "Does that mean you don't think I am precious?" she scolded him and everyone laughed at Namjoon's terrified face, trying to save himself from the situation.
"You are so made for each other!" Hana pointed out, smiling. "I really missed spending time with everyone like that! And we actually have an extra person in the gang! Welcome to the funhouse, Byeol!"
"Thank you, I am really happy to be part of this amazing family! Thank you for making me feel at home!" she replied enthusiastically and I watched her fondly, caressing her cheek.
"Look at this lover boy, how far he's come!" Yoongi mocked me to everyone's satisfaction.
We continued chatting for a few more hours, laughing and having a good time. In the meantime Ha-Neul came back from her stroll and joined the party. We ended it with an impromptu session of karaoke of our yet unreleased songs.
It was night time. Everyone retreated to their already decided sleeping place. I changed into some more snuggly clothes and got into the sleeping bag, followed shortly by my girlfriend. She cuddled closely, our bodies almost one.
"It's her, isn't it? The love of your life..." Byeol suddenly asked and I felt a knot in my throat. I decided to not deny it and build our relationship on honesty.
"She was. But now my heart belongs to someone else." I reassured her.
"Did you love her first? Or after she became Taehyung's girlfriend?" she continued.
"Does it make any difference?" I sighed.
"It does. It dictates how difficult it would be to let her go. And considering how you look at her even now, I am convinced you loved her before your friend." I swallowed uncomfortably. I didn't like where this is going. She continued "Why didn't you confess first?"
"Why did you bring that up? It's all in the past and it has nothing to do with you or our relationship!" I replied slightly irritated.
"Please, don't get mad. She is lovely. And I can tell you still have deep feelings for her. But it's fine with me. I have no intent to lose you. I will shower you with my love until you will forget about her. I am not her, but I can be so much more! And I will start with making you realize you need to give up because she looks like she doesn't love you at all! But I do, so so much! So please, only look at me!"
She placed herself on top of me and started kissing me passionately, sneaking her hand in my boxers. I let myself trapped in the heat of the moment and it felt good for a moment. But Ha-Neul didn't take long to pop in my mind and I tried desperately to shake her away. This had to stop. Byeol was more than I ever deserved. She was so understanding and willing to forgive all my mistakes. If that is not real love, then what is?
I remembered the cold glare Ha-Neul gave me earlier before. Byeol was right, she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. Then why am I so obsessed with her? There is nothing left between us to hold on to. She is my friend's girlfriend and that's how she needs to die.
I took off Byeol's top and kissed her neck, then slipped down to kiss her breasts, causing her extreme pleasure. Her moan made me so turned on that I flipped her upside down and positioned myself at her entrance, too excited to wait longer for the climax. I could finally enjoy a lustful night with my lover without anyone getting in the way. Ha-Neul was probably doing the same with Tae. So fuck it all.