# CHAPTER 18
In the words, "I am afraid I'll end up believing in him", which is her father who kept on saying you have someone else new. That you, who she loves more than her life had found another worth to live with. And you find the courage to end up the relationship you once had. She wanted to end everything because she knows that fighting a losing battle isn't worth it anymore.
She wanted to tell you that she's thankful for the memories. She remembers every moment you've shared. Not just the good ones but the bad ones you've endured but she's sorry for giving up this time. She's thankful for the stories, the funny ones even the sad ones for they're something she will bring for the rest of her life. She wants you to know that she won't forget the times you've stood by her side especially the time when you chose her over your other father because you know in that time, you're all that she had.
She wanted to tell you to be strong. Because in life, people come and go. And she wants you to realize that people, even those you thought would stay, would leave you at one point and during that time, all that you have is yourself. She learned that lesson the hard way, so she knows how to be happy on her own. She wants you to be happy even when she left and maybe, if not now, someday you'll understand her for leaving. It's something she didn't want to do but needed to.
She wanted to tell you to love yourself more for in this journey, that's all she's ever wanted. She wants you to know that the love we accept is the love we think we deserve just like Stephen Chbosky said. And in life, there are a lot more people who will love you for who you are, so never settle for less. She wants you to know that loving yourself more is realizing you can be happy without them. That absolute happiness can only be attained when you start knowing that self fulfillment can only be achieved when you love yourself above everyone else for your happiness doesn't depend to others anymore.
She wanted to tell you she loved you. Every bit of you, not just your positive side but your quirks as well. She wanted you to know she won't forget your hiccups when you laugh, or your small height, or your "pinch-the-cheek" post, or your pale skin and everything else she always sees each day with you. She wanted you to know that those were really the things she'll miss and can never find in anyone else like you.
She wanted to tell you she tried. She wants you to remember every time you fell down and she picked you up, not for you to regret losing her for it wasn't your fault, but for you to know she's been your girl. She remembers as well the nights she spent in your home, and the way she cried when you cried, and the laughs you both shared, and the fights she fought with you, and the people she stood up against so she could stand by your side. She wants you to remember all of it for they are the only memories she can leave you. For they are the only memories that can prove how once, in your life she wasn't just anyone, but she was someone, not just a friend but a girlfriend, not just a girlfriend but a family.
She wanted to tell you the reason why she gave up. She wanted to say sorry, first and foremost, for choosing the worst time of all. But she wanted you to know that like a ticking time bomb, she didn't know she'd explode. But she doesn't want you to feel that she's the kind of girl who made herself a choice between your relationship or your happiness for she knows she'll never win. Rather, she wants you to know that she's a girlfriend who knows what you really need and she knows it's her. She wants to say sorry for she's truly hurt her and the only thing that can fix her is to kill herself. She wants you to know she feels neglected by her family because she wants you more than anything else but she can't have you and it's something she doesn't want to feel anymore. She knows she deserves more than that and she knows you deserve the same. She wants you to know that she endured for a really long time the pain, the bruises she receive from her father. She wants you to know it's so painful for her to pick up all your broken pieces and fix you only to be with someone else now when you're fine again. She wanted you to know she isn't so cruel for she left knowing somebody else is there for you again, just that this time, it won't be her anymore. She's trully sorry for being selfish and she gave you up.
She loved you but she grew tired. Physically, mentally and emotionally. At least that's an honest truth.
-Her
Beca's POV
We're in the library right now for some research about the quiz bee Chloe and I will be attending next week. She represent her major and I will represent mine. We will gonna have a serious competition against other Universities and it will be another disgrace for Barden if we didn't make it.
But I can't focus because of this sexy redhead in front. I don't care if I looks so pervert right now but I really want to take off her-
Oh god. My pet needs to behave.
She's just wearing a plain white shirt and jeans but she looks so beautiful in a very simple clothes. How was that possible!?
Oh gosh. I remembered eveything that happened last night. I'm so sober but the heat of the alcohol hit me so hard that I can't help it but to kiss her! Adding the mell of her perfume that made me more fucked up so there's no way I would stop myself!
Her body that was totally...
Her b-
I bite my lips hard and tried not to look at her.. sinfully.
Chloe was in the middle of finding her book when I pulled her closer to me. I wrapped my arms around her waist. I was about to kiss her when my face met her palm.
"No more kisses cutie. If you will not ask me out then... No. Kisses." She said and pulled back to me. I pouted.
Cutie?
"Hey. I'm not cute."
"You are." She said and gave me teasing smile.
"I'm not." I glared at her.
"Well. You are." She winked and move to the another bookshelf.
I smirked.
I pulled her again but this time, I pinned her to the side of the bookshelf. I held her both hands to the side and kissed her. She tried to escape my grip but I didn't let her.
Then slowly, she kissed me back. We kissed for a while before I decided to loosen my grip and place her hands around my neck.
But she didn't. Instead she pushed me and ran towards our table.
She smirked at me when she saw me. I glared at her.
It's Thursday and faculty decided not to have classes today for us to be prepare to tomorrow's event.
Masquerade Party.
I'm still not ready.
But I need to be.
I saw Fat Amy in the other side of the library. I'm sure she will attend that quiz bee too because she's a Dean's Lister for God's sake!
She grinned at me. I rolled my eyes. She let her tongue out of her mouth. I glared at her.
"Who's that?" Chloe asked. I almost jump on my seat when I heard her voice.
"I don't know." I looked away.
But next thing I know was she's already sitting next to me. What the..
"Hi!" She greeted and I almost bang my head to table because of that. "I think I already saw the two of you." You always see me idiot.
Chloe's eyes widen.
"Yeah! In the Detective Club! You're name is... Big Amy!" Chloe proudly said. I tried myself not to laugh.. pfft.
"I know I'm big but it's not big. I'm Fat Amy." Amy said disappointedly.
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"It's okay." She grinned. "What's your name again?" She gave me a pretend-not-to-know-me-look. Well, you put your tongue out a while ago. Tss.
"Beca." I said in a very bored voice.
"I'm Chloe. Nice meeting you again!" Chloe enthusiastically said.
Chloe's POV
Beca was so really irresistible.. I don't know why. She makes me turn on every single move she does but I need to resist it. It will be a mess if I didn't.
Thank god that this Fat Amy girl came to the rescue coz if not I'm gonna be tempted AGAIN by her stares.
I'm trying guys.
Well. She's always staring at me. I can't blame her. We almost did THAT.
But still.. I want her to ask me out. To date me. I don't want hook ups. I don't want flings. I want a serious one.
Fine.
I like her.
But I want her to take me seriously.
Like...
Seriously.
I looked at her.
She's looking at me while biting her lips. Goddamn.
So you're gonna seduce me now?
I shut my eyes and looked back to the book I'm reading.
"Hey Chloe. Are you good in Math? I noticed you're reading Euclidean."
"Not so good." I humbly said. I saw Beca rolled her eyes.
"We'll see that." Fat Amy smirked. Ow. What's that? "I'm gonna tell you something and you need to listen to me very carefully to answer my question."
"I'll try?" I said. Okay. I'm nervous.
"Okay. Let's start. It's just a simple question. Okay?" She giggled.
"Okay." I started listening to her.
"You have a 1000$."
"Okay?"
"And.. You lost 400$." So I only have 600$.
"Okay.."
"But you found 100$ in the ground wherever you walk." Oh. So I already have 700$?
"Okay.."
"Then you bought 5 of your favorite shirt for only 30$ each." Oh. That was so expensive..
30×5=150
700-150=550
So I only have 550$! "Okay.."
"Then you bought again your 4 favorite chips for only 2$ each."
4×2=8
550-8=542
"Okay."
"And then you lost again your 200$." Oh boy why I'm so dumb to lost already 500$.
542-200=342
"And finally the question is.."
What's with the suspense? Beca and I looked at her. Maybe she also solve this little equation.
"What's the color of your underwear?"
Huh?
Wait.
What?
Beca glared at her but she only grinned.
"I'll excuse myself." Beca said and walked away without her bag. Maybe she's going to the bathroom. When Beca totally disappeared, Fat Amy looked at me. Intently.
"Is she your girlfriend?" Fat Amy asked. "That's the real question I wanna ask by the way."
"No." I wish we were.
"But I saw you making out with her."
Oh shit.
"WHAT?"
"Uh. Nevermind." She said and went back to reading her book. History book huh?
But... she saw us?! Wtf.
Me, Beca and Fat Amy are walking by the hall to go to the cafeteria. We decided to eat after a long hours of taking notes of shits we need to review for the rest of the days.
She also told us that she's also attending the shit bee next week.
"...the following month after that, he strangled his wife with a rope, stabbed her dead body with a penknife, and hid the corpse in a box in their room." Fat Amy said. Talking about the suspect of the notorious serial killer Jack the Ripper. Beca looks like she's not even listening to any of Amy's light history telling. "A few days later, he presented himself to the local police and was arrested for her murder. This was shortly after the height of the London Whitechapel murders, which were attributed to the unidentified serial killer Jack the Ripper."
"He still has a conscience after all." I commented. She's really so talkative.
"Yeah. I just don't get it why authors have built accusations to him. Luckily, the idea that Bury was the Ripper is not widely accepted."
"His guilty of what he did but he has right to protest that he's not a serial killer." I said.
As we arrived to the cafeteria. We immediately went to a vacant table and sat.
Fat Amy insisted to order us a food.
"Hey. Are you okay?" I asked Beca. Well, she's so silent since Amy came.
"Yeah." She said. Lazily.
"Nah. I knew when you lie. Is it about me or the letter you have read this morning?" I said that made her look at me.
Earlier. She decided to take the crumpled paper in the trash can where she said she threw the letter and read it. After she read it. Her mood changed.
I just kissed her to make her feel better and she did.
"Can I say both?" She chuckled. "You're making me crazy and I really want to kiss you. Right. Here. Right. Now." She firmly said with a very serious tone.
"It's just so simple deal Mitchell. If you want me then date me." I simply said.
"What if I don't?"
Ouch.
OUCH.
"Then don't." I looked away. I'm dying inside.
"Oh my god Chlo. It's just 'what if'. I don't mean it. I'll still think about it."
"Okay."
"Please don't be mad at me." She held my hand and squeezed it.
Oh well, Chloe Beale don't you dare high your hopes that Beca will ask you out. She's conundrum.
Plus her ex shit is coming back to the picture where you and Beca are together. (not really together) Even she's dead you're nothing compare to her.
BUT SHE'S DEAD.
UNLESS YOU RESURRECT BITCH.
I immediately pulled my hand when Amy came with 2 trays in hand. I helped her to put it in our table.
When Beca was about to take the cake, Amy swatted Beca's hand. Beca cringed and held her hand that was being swat by Amy.
"Don't you dare take hungry momma's cake." She took the tray with full of foods and pushed the other tray towards us.
The tray with 3 slice of pizza and 2 lemonade in bottle.
Nice.
We both eat in silent when Fat Amy finally spoke.
"What kind of cakes make puns?" Fat Amy asked.
Huh?
"Shoot." Beca said with looking at her. Busy from eating her pizza.
"Duh. It's PUNcake."
Oh.
I forgot the pun.
"Are you ready for tomorrow?" Beca asked.
"I'm so ready for tomorrow." Fat Amy exclaimed. "My date wasn't."
Okay. Let's talk about date.
"Is it okay to go without a date, right?" I asked.
"So you still don't have a date?" Fat Amy skeptically asked. "You're so gorgeous not to have a date."
"Well, I really don't want to have one."
"Why?"
"I'm waiting for someone to ask me." I said while looking at Beca.
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A/N: NEXT CHAPTERS WILL BE THE AWAITED MASQUERADE PARTY. EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. ; )