I knew very well how warm and soft Smith's body was as I watched him sleep on Brian's large arm. Only when someone else held him did I ever think of how small he was.
"You look well," Brian said, Smith was holding onto his thumb, sleeping with his mouth open. "He's smaller than I thought he'd be... Small, just like you, Micah."
"He's just three weeks old," I muttered. "And I'm not small..."
Brian chuckled, glancing up at me over his glasses. I must've looked blurry. "You're not particularly large, is what I'm saying."
"Don't poke the tiger..." Kennedy nervously chuckled.
"Tiger?" Brian mocked, careful not to wake Smith. "He's a kitten..."
"You're not the first one to say that..." I grumbled.
"Must be true then..."
Had my baby not been in his lap, on his arm, I would have smacked him. Brian grinned, knowing that he had just won. "So," Kennedy cleared his throat which interrupted our staring contest. "Will you be staying in town now that Corey's moved into your apartment?"
"Well he hasn't 'moved in', he just stays with me every other week or so. The original plan was to graduate and move, but I can't leave the kid, and who'll babysit Smithy if I leave?" He cooed and kissed Smith's forehead.
I held my hand up and raised my fingers as I counted every potential baby sitter. "My parents, Corey, our neighbours, we could hire someone..." Brian looked unimpressed, frowning slightly.
He was about to answer when the front door opened quietly. It was past seven, Jayden must have just finished his shift. The time surprised me, it had been quite some time since Brian arrived and yet it felt like thirty minutes.
"Daddy's home! I bought toilet paper, so we can poop all we want now!" He said enthusiastically as he shuffled inside. "It'll be a pooping party!" He swung around the corner with his usual mischievous grin, holding a large package of toilet paper. When he spotted Brian, the grin melted into an awkward smile. Seeing how embarrassed Jayden felt gave me far too much satisfaction than it should have. Ever since we came home from the hospital, he had entered the house after work with the same cliché sentence, probably thinking that only Kennedy, Smith and I would ever hear it. But at the table sat Brian who was basically my brother and he had just seen the usually smug Jayden skip into the house calling himself daddy with toilet paper in his arms, declared that it was time for a pooping party. The sadistic amusement of seeing him embarrassed was all too pleasurable. "Hello..." He stuttered, voice cracking as an adolescent boy's would. I smirked.
"Hi..." Brian answered. "Toilet paper sale?"
Jayden blushed in embarrassment and cleared his throat, trying to recover from the voice crack. I wish I could have recorded the moment. "Yeah..." he nodded.
"Yeah, I bought some earlier..."
Mr social butterfly awkwardly scrambled out of the room and snuck into the bathroom where I heard him sticking the rolls of toilet paper in the cupboard below the faucet before washing his hands. When he came back out, he seemed to have collected himself again, but a faint blush remained in his face.
"So, daddy," Brian snickered slyly. "Congrats on the baby."
"Shut up, Brian..." he grumbled. Usually when Jayden came home he would go straight for Smith, showering him with kisses and cuddles, unfortunately for Jayden, Smith was in Brian's arms. Having already embarrassed himself, Jayden would certainly not take further measures to ensure that he did not completely humiliate himself. But I could see his fingers twitching as he looked at his sleeping son. He was jealous that Brian was holding him. Honestly, I was a bit jealous too.
"Cute, isn't he?" I hummed, breaking the silence the two older guys had created.
"He's a mini-Jayden..." Brian chuckled.
"Gorgeous, right?" Jayden snickered quietly.
"He's got your nose though, Micah..."
"And his grumpiness..." Kennedy mumbled.
"And frown..." Jayden agreed.
Neither of them were holding a baby. I smacked them. "You guys are graduation on Friday... how's it feel?" Kennedy asked, ignoring my annoyance. My stomach turned into a knot almost instantly. I hadn't forgotten about their graduation, I had just been ignoring it because it made me anxious.
They continued talking and laughing. My brain zoned them out, completely disregarding every word they spoke. All I could focus on was the cold sweat trickling down my back and the crawling sensation under my skin. I didn't want to go, I really didn't, but I knew how much it meant to Jayden to have me there. I swallowed, I refused to be a bitch about it.
⚥ ⚥ ⚥
I nervously tapped my foot as I rubbed Smith's little head. He was sleeping deeply against my chest in the baby-björn as Kennedy pushed his stroller in front of us. It was May twenty-ninth, a sunny Friday afternoon. Earlier in the morning, Jayden had changed into his graduation gown and put the silly hat on. With his curly hair, it had been a bit difficult to get the cap to stay on, but it worked out in the end.
The ceremony would be held outside by the bleachers so that friend and family could watch their loved one' graduate. Jayden had left earlier in the morning to meet up with his friends and I wasn't sure where Brian was. I would barely know anyone in the crowd other than Kennedy, so I wasn't sure what I was so worried about. It was unlikely that I would run into any of my teachers since they would be busy with the graduates but the possibility was there and it terrified me.
"You're trembling..." Kennedy mumbled. I looked up to see that we were on the campus, following the crowd toward the back of the main building where the ceremony would be held. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine..." I mumbled. "It's just been a while since I came here, is all..."
"You wouldn't be trembling if you were fine..." he sighed. "Do you wanna hold my hand?"
Without hesitation I latched onto his hand, entwining our fingers so that I could tightly squeeze and caress his palm. It was moments like these when I regretted being so mean to Kennedy the most. Before everything went down, I was such an asshole to him, hitting him and saying mean things. He only ever yelled at me once and that was after I told him that I was pregnant. That was out of fear, anger and sadness, something that just came out of his mouth. Every moment together with him except for that one, he had been the kindest and most accepting person in my life, and I had been an asshole.
I squeezed his hand. While I might have not felt or desired romantic love ever, I was still very much happy with him and Jayden. I knew that they both loved me, even if I was incapable of loving them back in the same way. But we didn't need that, we were perfect the way we were. They were my best friends, a little more. My dearest people, those who I was the fondest of even if they annoyed me.
Holding onto Kennedy's hand seemed to help a lot with the anxiety, because as I felt his pulse through his fingertips against my skin, it was as if my heart synced with his, calm and steady.
"Here," Kennedy said as we sat down on the bleachers, in his outstretched hand was Smith's sunhat. I nodded a 'thanks' to him as I took it.
Soon Jayden would go on stage and receive his diploma, shake hands with his professors and be done with it. Strangely, I was quite proud of him, something I had not anticipated. The ceremony had yet not begun and I was already emotional, proud and sentimental. I carefully tied the sunhat under Smith's chin and rubbed his back, having him against my chest was quite warm in the summer heat and I regretted putting on a t-shirt instead of a tank top as I could feel my poor armpits beginning to get wet. Disgusting.
"I could take him if you want?"
"He'll wake up if I move him..." I sighed. "Then he'd start crying and everyone would be annoyed with us..."
The national anthem was performed, and I quickly grew bored with everything that was going on, deciding to solve Nonograms on my phone instead of listening to whatever was going on. Not very respectful, but that was the least of my concerns. I was sweating and I was tired, so until Brian or Jayden's names were called out, I would be on my phone.
With the sun heating my skin and with Smith getting warmer and warmer against my chest, I was afraid that he would overheat. Babies can't drink water so I was worried about what I would do if he began fuzzing. His onesie was long-sleeved so that he wouldn't burn his arms and with the sunhat on his head, I was sure that he was hot. Being in the gazing sun was making me anxious and I nervously looked around, trying to find shade. Since we were on the bleachers we had to leave the stroller behind, locked to a pole. If I had the stroller, I could have put Smith in it with a blanket over and then he would be in the shade.
Smith whimpered, starting to squirm. I tended up, knowing that he was about to cry. I quickly loosened the baby-björn and took him in my arms, bobbing him gently. "Mama's here..." I shushed.
"I thought you didn't wanna be called mama?" Kennedy whispered.
"Don't be conservative, Kennedy. Mama is a word for a parent, it doesn't have to be feminised..."
"Jayden Marston," the woman on the stage called out. It took me by surprise, had we been here longer than I thought or was Jayden just being called out early?
"Look, Smith," Kennedy cooed. "Daddy's up there!" He nuzzled Smith's face which caused Smith to stop whining. I couldn't help but smile, it warmed my heart.
"You know he has no way of understanding you, right? I don't even think he can see that far..."
"Let me be cute!" Kennedy grumbled.
Despite being quite far away, I could see that Jayden was smiling widely as he walked down with his diploma. I could also see that he saw us because he was waving. "Smith, look!" I giggled as I grabbed his little hand and turned him, waving his arm to Jayden. While it made Jayden smile even brighter, it upset Smith and he began wailing.
By the time the ceremony was over, I had gotten Smith to calm down with his pacifier, Kennedy had tried to feed him a bottle of lukewarm formula but it must have tasted disgusting, because not only did he not want it but he would pretend to swallow it and then spit it out on Kennedy's arm.
We were waiting for Jayden in the crowd of parents and relatives who were trying to find whoever they knew who had graduated. Smith was frowning as he sucked on the pacifier which looked ridiculous considering the onesie he wore and the sunhat that dangled off his head. I wished I had the ability to nap through an entire graduation ceremony.
"Kennedy!" A familiar voice yelled through the crowd. A few feet away I dark hand was waving to us. Jayden strutted through the gathering, his steps light and bouncy like a child's. "Thank god you're so tall, I could barely see you guys past all these heads!" He panted and pulled us into his arms. Still wearing the cap, its string tickled my face uncomfortably as he held me; Kennedy got the good side. Just as I expected, I had no time to say anything before he scooped Smith from my arms with a joyful smile. "What're you looking all grumpy for?" He chuckled and tapped Smith's nose. "Gassy again?"
As I nervously glanced around the crowd, I wiped some drool from my shirt, painfully aware of all the teachers I recognised who were chatting with graduates and their relatives. I couldn't see Brian anywhere though.
"Show us the diploma!" Kennedy urged.
Smith was handed to me as Jayden and Kennedy looked at the paper, he looked at me, softening the frown to a content smirk-like expression — meaning that he probably just pooped or farted.
"Oi, Prince Naveen!" A deep voice exclaimed. I felt my entire body stiffen. Without thinking about it, I side-stepped until I was hidden behind Jayden. They approached slowly in a hoard, waving, smiling and pushing each other around.
"I thought you said the baby would be here?" One of them asked.
I felt myself backing away, holding Smith tightly. My stomach was twisting again and I wasn't sure why. After all, I knew these people, they were Jayden's friends and they knew about the pregnancy. Unfortunately, I had no time to resist as Jayden proudly held me in front of him, wrapping his arms around mine so that he could stroke Smith's foot. Their eyes were quick to widen as they stared at him.
"Holy shit..." The Hispanic guy mumbled. "I don't know what I was expecting but... he's real... and he's so cute..."
"Real?" I scoffed. "You think I walked around nine months faking it?"
"Obviously, it a bit hard to believe that a guy is pregnant..."
"Well la-da-di, now I have a big-ass scar on my stomach so kindly don't upset me or I will throw Smith's poopy diaper on you..."
The flock of Jayden's friends nervously chuckled. "He's even scarier now..." one of them whispered. A gust of wind ripples through the air, stirring up the trees and sweeping dust off the ground. Above, a cloud moved in front of the sun, casting a pale shadow over us as the temperature quickly shifted, making me shudder.
"Micah, Kennedy?" A familiar voice stuttered. The heavy accent was unmistakable, unforgettable. "How are you feeling? I haven't seen you in my lectures for quite some time..." She sighed. My entire body froze to ice, Smith whimpered loudly before he began crying, spitting out his pacifier as if he too was unnerved by the presence of my professor.