ok so i have this headcannon that old doot told the story of the pekes and the pollicles to baby straps and baby tugger, and now straps tells it to all the kittens.
and then i got the idea that went like "oh my god what if tugger and misto adopted kids and then straps told them the story too"
oh god i need names for these fuckers okay *frantically googles popular baby names*
*human au*
mistoffelees pov
myself, tugger, and munkustrap are having a boring adult conversation, when james, lucas, and zoey scamper into the room.
i sigh quietly, setting down my tea mug. "you three are supposed to be in bed," i mutter.
lucas, the youngest, grabs munkustrap's forearm with his chubby little hands. "but we wanted a bedtime story."
"i read you four different books," tugger says. "but i guess i can read you another. which one?"
zoey basically bounces up and down. "we wanted uncle munkustrap to tell us a story!" she chirps.
out of the corner of my eye, i see tugger mouth "please" to his brother.
james grabs munkustrap's other arm and tries to pull him out of his chair. "please."
munkustrap gives me and tugger one final look, before succumbing to our children's orders. honestly, though, who wouldn't? they're adorable.
as the kids usher poor munkustrap away, tugger and i share a glance that says "we're definitely gonna follow them aren't we."
•••
"this story is about the awe-full battle of some dogs called 'the pekes and the pollicles.' of course, together with some account of the participation of the pugs and the poms, and the intervention of the great rumpus cat!" munkustrap says theatrically.
all three kids are sitting around him in a semi-circle. they all have their stuffed animals and blankets and pillows.
tugger and i are hiding just outside of the doorway.
"the pekes and the pollicles everyone knows are proud, and impeccable, passionate foes." munkustrap makes some silly faces for each of the adjectives.
"it is always the same wherever one goes. and the pugs and the poms, although most people say that they do not like fighting, yet once in a way they now and again join into the fray, and they—"
tugger jumps into the room and says, quite loudly "bark!"
i follow right after him, and also say "bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
munkustrap smiles at both of us, as we pretend to be dogs for the sake of entertainment. "until you could hear them all over the park," he says. "now on the occasion of which i shall speak, almost nothing had happened for nearly a week," he leans toward the kids a bit for emphasis, "and that's a long time for a pol or a peke."
munkustrap scowls in a funny way that makes lucas giggle. "the big police dog was away from his beat. i don't know the reason, but most people think he slipped into the wellington's arms for a drink."
"— of apple juice!" tugger adds enthusiastically.
"and no one at all was about on the street, when a peke" munkustrap gestures to me "and a pollicle" and to tugger "happened to meet."
tugger and i move to stand opposite one another, as if we were about to fight.
"they did not advance-" he says, and i take that as 'back up!' so i walk backwards a bit.
munkustrap holds a hand out to me "-or exactly retreat, but they glared at each other, and scraped their hind feet."
tugger and i make the same scowl-y face munkustrap did earlier, and we, like he said, scrap our feet on the floor, like bulls.
"and started to-"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark, bark!" tugger says, even though he was only supposed to say it once. munkustrap gives him a subtle glare.
"bark?"
"bark?"
"bark?"
"until you could hear them all over the park, and they-" munkustrap keeps glaring at tugger.
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark, bark!" tugger says, once again, knowing it'll piss his older brother off. munkustrap is still glaring at him.
"bark!"
"bark!"
"bark!"
"until you could hear them all over the park," munkustrap says, shooting tugger one last warning glare. "now the peke, although people may say what they please is no british dog but a heathen chinese."
"that's racist," i put in quickly.
"and so all the pekes, when they heard the uproar, some came to the windows some came to the doors. and together they started to grumble and wheeze, in their huffery-snuffery heathen chinese."
"still racist," i say.
the original poems were written in 1932, that's why that line is there~
"but a terrible din is what pollicles like, for your pollicle dog is a dour yorkshire tyke."
tugger pushes him out of the way and takes my hands to start spinning us, saying (almost in one breath) "there are dogs out of every nation the irish, the welsh and the dane, the russian, the dutch, the dalmatian, and even from china and spain. the poodle, the pom, the alsatian, and the mastiff who walks on a chain!"
munkstrap steps in front of us, to be seen by our tiny audience, who are all smiling. "and to those that are frisky and frolical, let my meaning be perfectly plain—"
"that our name it is simply symbolical, and you'd better not do it again!" tugger cuts in, poking his head beside munkustrap's shoulder.
the older of the brothers blocks tugger's face with his hand. "and his braw scottish cousins are snappers and biters, and every dog-jack of them notable fighters, and so they stepped out with their pipers in order playing "when the blue bonnets come over the border.""
tugger somehow manages to find a harmonica and play it badly. how someone can play a harmonica badly? i have no idea but he makes it work.
munkustrap cuts him off. "and the pugs and the poms held no longer aloof, but some from the balcony some from the roof, joined into the din with a-"
"bark!" zoey says.
"bark!" lucas says.
"bark!" james says.
"bark!" tugger says.
"bark!" i say.
"bark!" all of us say.
"until you could hear them all over the park-" munkustrap says.
"huffery snuffery huffery snuff!"
"until you could hear them all over the park," he says again, trying to take control of the situation.
tugger, the kids, and i all jump around and bark at each other.
"NO!!!!" munkustrap yells, which causes all of us to freeze.
i take the moment and slip out of the room to find some swimming goggles.
from zoey's bedroom, i hear munkustrap continue the story. "when these bold hereos together assembled, the traffic all stopped, and the underground trembled. and some of the people were so much afraid, that they started to ring up the fire brigade! when suddenly up from a small basement flat, why who should stalk out, but the great rumpus cat!!!!"
i return into the room, with hot pink goggles on, which causes all three kids to laugh hysterically.
munkustrap takes my arm and drags me back to the centre of the 'stage'. "his eyes were like fireballs, fearfully blazing. he gave a great yawn, and his jaws were amazing." i pretend to yawn, then i snap my mouth closed, almost biting munkustrap's nose off. the kids giggle.
"and when he looked out through the bars of the area, you never saw anything fiercer-" munkustrap says.
tugger throws a fuzzy blanket onto my shoulders.
"-or hairier," munkustrap finishes. "and what with a glare of his eyes and his yawning, the pekes and the pollicles quickly took warning. he looked to the sky and he gave a great leap, and they, every last one of them, scattered like sheep!" i chase tugger out of the room.
"and when the police dog returned to his beat, there wasn't a single one left on the street!"
as tugger comes back into the room, he plays that stupid harmonica again. when he finally stops, he and munkustrap say in unison "all hail and all bow to the great rumpus cat!"
munkustrap and tugger grab either one of my hands, and then we're all bowing, as our kids clap and cheer.
panting, tugger asks "was that good?" au where it's this line but out of context—
zoey, smiling bigger than she ever has before, says "yes!!! best story ever!!!"
being the oldest, zoey gets her own room, and the boys share one. so, i shoo the kids out to their rooms.
tugger follows me into the boys' room. i help pull lucas' blankets up over his tummy, and kiss his little forehead. "goodnight. i love you. sweet dreams."
i'm sobbing you guys i cannot write this anymore it's too cute
tugger says the same thing to james, and then we switch.
james smiles at me so big i think he might get hurt.
in zoey's room, she gives tugger the biggest hug ever, and says, almost too quietly for me to hear, "that was the best story ever."