Small feet tapped gently against the inside of my belly. I could see their outlines on my skin. Smith wriggled and swirled and his small fists patting my hand on the other side of the wall of flesh. I was home alone, Kennedy and Jayden had just finished their classes and both had to work. I had just started watching the miniseries about Chernobyl and Smith was being extremely gentle with his kicking for the first time in what felt like forever. His kicks felt more like the fluttering wings of a butterfly than the usual Jorge Masvidal that he usually acted like. I stopped drawing circles around Smith's faint footprints. With my temper and Jayden's love for working out, it was not totally unlikely that Smith would end up taking an interesting in martial arts. I sighed, hating the thought of my baby professionally beating people up like Israel Adesanya and Jon Jones. Of course, if he turned out to be as good as those two, I probably wouldn't complain, as much at least.
I watched Stellan Skarsgård and Jared Harris talking on the screen, surrounded by the cold and dramatic lighting. A perk of dating Jayden: HBO. A perk of dating Kennedy: Disney+. I chuckled at the thought. It was comically silly how different they were. While Jayden watched Game of Thrones and Vikings, Kennedy sniffled as Bambi's Mom died and knew all the names of Andy's toys in toy story. Considering the people Smith would be raised by, he would be raised by, he would either become a UFC fighter, a jock or an absolute softy. Depending on if or how often Brian babysat, maybe he would become a total geek. The worst part was I had no idea what sounded better in my ears as I did not like the sound of any of the options I could think of.
"Hey," I said loud enough for Smith to, technically, hear it even though he could not understand or care. "You okay in there?" His response came in the way of the squirming he was already doing. He was not actually responding, I knew that, yet I smiled. It felt so odd when he moved. "Please don't be like me. I'd rather have you be a mix of Jayden and Kennedy. They'd make a good mix..." Staying silent for a moment, taking deep breaths as I stared at my bump, stared at how large my nipples had become. I would really have to start over on my body after he was born. Start over to look like a man again. Like myself. I closed my eyes. Smith was being gentle, meaning that I could nap.
⚥ ⚥ ⚥
"You're not a girl. Your feelings are what determine your identity," Hannah said and kissed my forehead.
We were fourteen, she was still struggling with her confidence as a woman and did not dare put on feminine clothes or grow out her hair as long as she wanted. She had always known that she was a girl, even if her birth certificate said otherwise and despite what hid between her legs. She was never the problem, the people with conservative and judgemental thoughts were. People who told her that it was a phase, that she was confused or that she was just gay. Her parents were always supportive and at home, she could dress however she wanted and since the age of five, they had been referring to her as Hannah instead of William. She had identified as a girl since she understood what gender was, she had always been a girl and been very clear to her parents that she was not a 'stupid, yucky boy'.
"Just cause I have a dick doesn't mean I'm a man... just cause you've got some feminine parts doesn't mean you're a girl. Don't be your own saboteur, be proud of your colours! You're a fucking rainbow, bitch!"
⚥ ⚥ ⚥
I woke to Jayden's soft lips against my forehead. I knew it was Jayden not only because these lips were fuller and warmer, but also because Kennedy would never dare to wake me.
"Have you been bugging your mommy?" He hummed as he bent down to my stomach, tugging my shirt up and gently rubbing his nose over the exposed skin. "Did you let him rest?"
I pushed Jayden's head away with an irritated groan. "You're the one not letting me rest..."
"Sorry," He mumbled softly, placing his fingers on the spots where Smith kicked.
Something was bothering him, I could see it in his eyes, in the way his brows were slightly furrowed and how his voice had gone from genuine to fake in a moment. Tension rolled off of him, a deep seethed sorrow. I cringed. Sure, I wanted to comfort him, to be there for him like I was supposed to, but I had been emotionally constipated since the age of thirteen and I feared that if I tried to comfort Jayden, I might just make him feel worse.
"What's got you down all of a sudden?" I asked, trying to sound soft as I brushed my fingers through his curly, dark hair.
"Just..." he stopped himself, sighed and pressed his forehead against my stomach. I kept my fingers in his hair, it was so soft and smooth. "Long day, shitty mood, asshole coworkers, anxiety... you know, all that basic ass shit..."
"Anxiety?" I thought of Corey. I had made him feel a bit better that one time when we spoke. I could do the same thing again with a different person, I could do it. I'm strong. "What're you anxious about?"
Jayden sighed deeply and I internally groaned, this conversation would most likely bring me down considering how everything had been affecting me recently.
"I was raised by my grandparents, you know? They're gone now and... I dunno... I just don't have anyone to turn to for guidance." A bitter laugh left his lips, sending his hot breath down over my skin. "Fuck, I act like some confident big shot all the time, don't I? I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, to be honest. I bought a fucking house, we're having a baby in a few days and I'm graduating college next month... what if I can't find a job? It's not like I have any real experience working with what I'm getting a fucking degree in..."
I scrunched up my nose, internally swearing. What was I supposed to say? 'Go get em, tiger'? 'I believe in you'?
"Hey..." I mumbled as I played with Jayden's earlobe. It was soft, smooth and warm between my fingers. "You've got two idiots and a baby cheering for you in your corner..."
He chuckled and kissed my stomach. I winced, it tickled. "This little prick's gonna be getting three dads... I didn't even get one... spoiled brat..." he looked up at me with a tired smile. "Sorry for knocking you up..."
"You're not sorry!" I scoffed, he grinned.
"Not even a little..."
⚥ ⚥ ⚥
May 8th. 3:12. I bit my lip, wiggling my toes under the sheets. Jayden and Kennedy slept deeply, I could barely stay still. Planned c-sections are a lot simpler than one would think. You get a time and place, you go in, get an epidural or whatever and then they cut the baby out. That's it. No contractions, no pushing for hours. You just lay there and they pull the baby out. Sure, it is not as romantic or passionate as having to push a watermelon out and tearing your junk, maybe shitting on a table or getting to scream your lungs out, but to me, quick and easy seemed a lot more appealing than painful and slow. We had a bag packed with clothes for both Smith and I. We would have to stay at the hospital for at least a week, that's what they told us. I would get a c-section on a Saturday, so Jayden and Kennedy would have to go to school and class on Monday again and take turns staying the night if they could come to an agreement about that. Both of them wanted to stay with me 24/7, but honestly, I needed the short amount of alone time.
After the c-section, I would be pretty much immobilised for some time, at least in the hospital. To heal properly I would have to lay down, nurses would have to change Smith's diapers when neither of his dads were around to help me.
It was past three in the morning on a Friday, around twenty-eight hours before I would be sliced up and Smith pulled out. The thought was disgusting and I was terrified. I had never had surgery of any kind before and I certainly had not been sliced open. Never had I ever broken a bone. Ever since my teens I had been examined a lot and done tests, x-rays, ultrasounds and whatever, but I had never needed to be drugged for that.
The ceiling light looked like a ball hanging over us. There was no way I was getting any sleep. Jayden and Kennedy were both sleeping deeply on the other side of the bed, two big babies far away in dreamland. The jealousy was only getting worse by the minute as I listened to their deep, peaceful breathing.
One sheep.
Two sheep.
Three sheep.
Four sheep.
Fuck sheep. I hate sheep. They are annoying and they smell bad.
I turned for the hundredth time that night. A million thoughts had come and gone through my head since the last hours ticked by. I wanted boiled, salty broccoli with béchamel and a fried egg with hot sauce. Then I wanted pickles dipped in mayonnaise and perhaps a plate of Doritos and grape jelly. Anything salty and sweet would do. How bothersome. The spirit of the angry donkey that was my stubbornness forced me to stay in bed while my heart screamed and wailed, wanting to satisfy the unwanted cravings. It was a battle to see who was stronger, Smith and the pregnancy cravings or me any my sour personality. Kennedy was smiling in his sleep, I was frowning and grumbling silently to myself, jealous that he could sleep so peacefully this close to the day. I threw a glance at the digital clock on the nightstand. 3:36 am. I had less than twenty-eight hours left. It felt like just yesterday that we moved into the new house. Now here we were, in less than twenty-eight hours we would be responsible for a screaming, wiggling baby boy and I would be freaking out worse than I already was. Fuck, I still had not figured out how to properly put on a diaper. I had no idea if I would be able to breastfeed and I was freaking out over how gross he would look when he came out. He would look like an alien, what if I hated him just cause he looked scary? I threw my hands into my hair and gripped it. It had gotten wavier and longer and I still had not decided if I liked it that way or if I despised it.
My legs were involuntarily twitching and bobbing up and down. I had to pee. Again. I probably should not have drunk nearly a gallon of apple juice before bed. Smith wanted to, it was his fault. No, Jayden's fault. I glared at him.
"You're gonna be on diaper duty..." I growled lowly before struggling over him, semi-crushing his balls in the process.