Hey All,
Whew!! This one was like torture to write. Seriously, so many rewrites and so much second guessing and I still don't LOVE it but here we are.-
Ashten stood with her back to him, her palms resting in the counter. He knew she knew he was there yet she hadn't said a word or even cocked her head in his direction. She was statuesque and deadly silent, the only sound in the tense room a low hum coming from Bonkers.
Nikki's heart slammed inside his chest as he looked at her and cringed when the memory of his actions flooded him. How his insecurities and demons basically dared her to walk way. How he practically forced her out the door.
He absolutely loathed the fact that he'd hurt her so much. He'd hurt himself too, but he didn't matter. Ashten mattered.
"Hey," he said just above a whisper.
Ashten remained silent, her shoulders noticeably tensing and her head turned slightly enough to see him from her peripheral vision.
Nikki swallowed around the lump in his throat and pushed himself off the doorframe. He took two steps forward, causing Bonkers to protest louder. He scowled down at the same pup who'd sat in his lap the day Tommy brought him home. The dog that would sometimes sleep at the foot of his bed on nights when his master was out late.
"Are you.....is he growling at me?" He stopped mid-stride, incredulously posing the question to the dog, then to Ashten.
She tilted her gaze down to Bonkers, her shoulders bouncing in indifference as she reached down to pat the mutt's head, silently stopping the escalating growling. "Maybe he senses evil."
Nikki let out a small chuckle of amusement. He deserved that and then some. And maybe she wasn't wrong.
Regardless, Nikki kept a close eye on Bonkers as he slowly approached the island and took a seat across from her. She still had not looked at him, choosing to fully concentrate on rinsing out her mixing bowls.
"How are you feeling?"
"Been better" Ashten replied, sharply.
Nikki swallowed down spit and looked down at his shoeless feet as his socks slid on the tiled floor. He knew he'd fucked up and he was going to pay for it.
He'd pay whatever price he wanted just to get her to look at him again.
"The cookies were good," he said, fumbling for words as he caught sight of the peanut butter batch Tommy mentioned. He rolled his eyes at himself. Cookies? Really?
"I'm glad you liked them," Ashten replied, her focus still on her dishes.
Nikki's eyebrows lifted at her somewhat pleasant response. Maybe this wasn't as bad as he feared.
"I was worried I'd lost my touch. I've been so out of practice what with all the fucking other men behind your back I've been doing," she snapped with a harsh sarcastic bite to her voice.
Ok, maybe not, Nikki thought as he let out a deep sigh and fumbled for words. "Ashten, I know...I'm.....fuck, can we talk about this?"
"Sure, go ahead."
The second he opened his mouth to speak, Ashten flipped the wall switch. Her action brought the garbage disposal roaring to life and drowning out anything Nikki said as she stormed her way from the kitchen.
"Ok then," Nikki muttered to himself, hopping up and shutting off the disposal before following her to the living room.
The sun had gone down hours earlier and without any additional illumination the living room was lit only by the glow of the burning fireplace. Ashten stood in front of the roaring flames, her arms crossed as she stared into the heat.
"Ashten, come on," he said quietly. She still didn't budge. "God, can you look at me?"
Her lips twisted slightly and her expression flickered through a kaleidoscope of emotions as she internally wrestled with indecision. Being vulnerable wasn't something that came easy for her and she didn't trust herself to look at him without falling apart.
So she kept her eyes on the fire, sparing him only a side glance as she picked up the fire poker.
Nikki's eyes followed her hand somewhat cautiously as she picked up the long and heavy tool. He swallowed hard and took a step back, his eyes widening, slightly, clearly wondering if she was considering homicide. Not that he would blame her if she took a much deserved swing at him.
His brief flash of uneasiness didn't go unnoticed.
Ashten scoffed and shook her head as she stoked the flames, pushing the logs and embers around to get optimal heat. "The fact that you even think for a second that I might beat you to death with a fire poker shows how little you really think of me."
Nikki huffed at himself realizing he'd only further insulted her. "That's not true."
"Really?" Her tone was accusatory as she slowly turned her head towards him and lifted her gaze to meet his.
He felt a twinge in his heart from seeing how dejected and slightly worse for wear she looked. On the plane he'd googled the side effects of Methotrexate and what the drug as well as the aftermath of an ectopic pregnancy was doing to her body. It wasn't easy on her. Add to that the fact she hadn't slept in more than a day and she looked like she was about to drop.
But, regardless of the dark circles under her eyes and the paleness of her skin, she was still beautiful. Her hair pooled around her shoulders and her eyes glistened, face aglow from the fire light as she took a seat on the stone hearth.
"I knew this wasn't going to be easy," she finally said, gesturing between them. "Relationships, even under the best of circumstances, are not easy. And we didn't have the best case situation. You in the middle of a nasty divorce. Me working for Tommy. Us having to hide it. But that didn't matter because I believe that nothing worth anything comes easy. And I signed up for that the second I got on that plane to Cabo."
She pushed her hair, damp from an earlier shower, over to one shoulder to allow the heat to dry the strands. The corners of her mouth turned up slightly with the memory of the days they spent together in Mexico as she briefly stared into the flames. Then she flicked her gaze to Nikki, her eyes burning with intensity like the bluest part of a flame.
"What I did not sign up for was the bullshit you pulled last night."
"I know." Nikki came further into the room and sat on the coffee table directly in front of her. There was a lump of guilt and shame stuck somewhere in the back of his throat and he had to swallow a few times before he trusted his voice. But it still came out shaky. "I know. I didn't even know where to begin apologizing.
"I don't know where to begin either, Nikki." Ashten let out a breathless and humorless laugh while shaking her head. "I can't wrap my head around it. I mean, you find out I'm pregnant, at the the same time I did by the way, and instead of even considering that you aren't in fact shooting blanks, you just automatically assume I cheated on you?"
She paused and tried to take a deep calming breath but the way it shuddered in her lungs just accentuated the fragility of her heart at that moment.
"I mean, you just went right to it. You made the assumption. You thought I did something and you didn't even bother to ask or try to talk to me about it. Instead you just walked away. You claim to be in love with me but you didn't even trust me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. You just left me there." She swallowed down the emotion in a painful lump.
Nikki leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and staring down at the carpet. "I know..."
"No, you DON'T know!" Ashten fired back loud enough to make Nikki flinch, her face tightening. "You have no idea. How do you think it felt, huh? I wanted you and you were nowhere to be found! And when I finally did find you....you weren't you! You were some drunk monster I didn't even recognize saying all of these things to intentionally devastate me. Fuck, it would have hurt less if you slapped me.!"
"Ashten I'm sorry," Nikki looked up at her, his eyes pleading. "There is no justifying any of it and I didn't mean a word I said...."
"Then why did you say it? Why did you do it?"
He sighed, rubbing his hands through his hair. "I don't know."
"Oh, well I feel much better now that you've explained!" Ashten snorted.
"I don't have an answer for you other than all the shit with Donna and Derek and everything just built and built until I snapped."
"I've never given you a reason not to trust me." She shook her head and looked at her hands. It hurt. It all hurt like hell. His words. His actions. Even his apology.
"I do trust you."
"No you don't." She shook her head and took a deep breath, trying to quell the surge of nausea swelling in the pit of her stomach. " I was fine, you know."
"What?" Nikki asked quietly, his chin resting in his fists.
"I was fine before you came after me. Relentlessly pursued me. I was fine. And then you kissed me and suddenly you weren't just Nikki. You weren't just Tommy's best friend. You became everything. I fell in love with you and it was the last thing I was expecting."
"And now?"
"And now I don't know."
"You don't know if you still love me?" Nikki's soul clenched.
"Of course I do, Nikki. That doesn't just go away overnight. But...." she trailed off as a stray tear rolled down her cheek and Ashen raised her manicured hand, hastily wiping it away.
"But?" He prodded, his voice croaking.
"But, now I can't look at you without hurting." Her voice broke and her pulse thumped loudly in her ears.
Nikki's heart thundered and his eyes filled with water as he ushered himself forward landing on his knees in front of her, his hands gripping her wrists.
"Don't," her voice catches and she swallowed a throat full of bile.
"Ashten, listen to me. I am sorry and I will apologize for it for the rest of my life. For everything. Fuck, you deserve so much better than how I treated you last night. I'm an asshole and I am not remotely good enough for you. I'm barely even close to being a decent man. But, I love you and I cannot lose you. Please, let me make it up to you. Anything, whatever you want, just tell me what to do." Nikki was certain he didn't deserve her forgiveness but he was willing to beg for it anyway. Because the alternative, losing her, was unthinkable.
"Nikki," she shook her head and squirmed in an unsuccessful attempt to get out of his hold.
"I know I was an abysmal asshole and I will regret it forever..."
"Nikki...."
"I'll do anything to make this up to you. Tell me what you want. " He knew he probably looked pretty pathetic, pleading with her not to cut him loose but he didn't care. The thought of her not being part of his life was one he found unacceptable.
After a beat she lifted her eyes to him and spoke quietly.
"Space."
It wasn't the answer he expected or wanted. She could tell when he flinched and looked at her like she'd slapped him. And she could hardly believe it when she saw a fat tear roll down his cheek.
Nikki Sixx. Nikki Fucking Sixx was crying.
He exhaled harshly through his nose, and his jaw tensed as he tried to choke out the words. "For how long?"
"I don't know. I need to be able to look at you and see YOU again. And that's gonna take awhile." Her voice broke as she choked on her next words. "If ever."
"Alright," Nikki breathed out, his Adams apple bouncing in his throat as he looked at the ceiling, a tattooed hand swiping at his eyes. "What else?"
"What do you mean?"
"What else do you need?"
"Right now?" Fatigue rushing over her as the Tylenol PM began taking effect. "Right now my head is pounding and I just want to lay down."
Nikki nodded and stood up, taking her hand to help her do the same. "Come on," he lead her to the couch where she curled up on the cushions and flipped the TV on as Nikki disappeared into a different room. She finally landed on a rerun of Friends and put the remote down, settling in to the soft sectional sofa.
Bonkers, who had been scarce during the bickering, planted himself on the floor in front of her.
By the time Nikki came back into the room, large, plush blanket in hand, Ashten's eyes were closed, her breathing slow and deep. He spread the blanket over her and bent down to place a gentle kiss on her temple.
"Don't you give up on me," He whispered in her ear and tucked a stray strand of hair behind it.
Bonkers let out another low growl and Nikki just scowled at him.
"Back off, dude." He whisper yelled. "She's my girl, not yours."
***********
Ashten woke a few hours later in a cold sweat, stomach wracked with painful cramping.
She stumbled toward the bathroom and the room spun. Her hands clumsily tried to connect with the walls and door frame to hold herself upright as she lunged down the hall.
She cried out at the blow her knees took as they hit the tiled bathroom floor when reached the toilet just in time to empty her stomach.
She jumped slightly when she heard heavy footsteps. She felt her hair being tied back and secured with one of her hair ties. Then she heard the tap water running before feeling a cold washcloth on the back of her neck.
"Nikki?" She croaked, her face still down in the bowl and her body quivering violently from chills. She'd assumed he'd left once she went to bed.
"Yeah." He pressed the washcloth to the side of her neck and she sighed at the feeling. "I've got you."
He remained on the floor with her for the next two hours, holding her up when she needed to vomit, and wiping the sweat that was pouring off of her in buckets. His heart lurched as he watched her knowing he was partially responsible for her being in such a state. It was reminiscent of his junkie days when he was kicking smack. The body aches, chills, profuse sweating, and vomiting until it felt like his soul had left his body never to return.
Except this wasn't heroin. And this time it was her which made watching it even more unbearable.
When her stomach was finally sated and she hadn't the energy to lift her head, he picked her up in his arms and carried her into her bedroom, gingerly placing her in her bed and covering her with a light blanket. He placed the trash can from the bathroom next to the bed for good measure, and even though he wasn't entirely sure he was welcome, he laid down next to her, closing his eyes only when he was sure she had fallen into her own deep sleep.
********
Ashten woke up in her bed not remembering even making it back to her room after the hours spent on the bathroom floor. The light pushing into the room through the drapes indicated the next day had arrived and when she checked the time on her phone she was stunned to learn she'd slept for over twenty hours.
She sat up slowly and yawned, a slight headache still housed in her temples, mostly likely due to dehydration. Her mouth was so dry she could barely swallow and was desperate for anything that would soothe her parched throat.
She gently threw her legs off the side of the bed and before she slid off an answer to her hydration prayer presented itself in the form a of a bottle of Gatorade sitting on her nightstand. In front of it, sat a small note of instruction in Nikki's handwriting.
Take a few small sips at first and wait ten minutes. If it doesn't come back up you can have more.
As if she needed instructions, she rolled her eyes. She was a doctor for fuck's sake.
Ashten picked up the bottle, ready to crack it open and take a gluttonous chug only to find another note underneath it.
I mean it, Ashten. Small sips only.
Asthen's eyes widened and she studied the piece of paper dubiously as she unscrewed the cap and took a small sip of the orange flavored drink, swishing it around a bit before swallowing it slowly. She gave it a minute and once satisfied the liquid would not make an encore appearance, she slid off the bed and slowly walked out of her room, Gatorade in hand.
When she felt like she was no longer wobbly, she showered, threw her hair up in a towel, brushed her teeth and slid into a new pair of fleece pajama bottoms along with a fresh t-shirt. All the while noting how clean the bathroom had been. Almost as if she hadn't spent the night puking all over it.
She padded down the hallway of the quiet house and when she walked into the kitchen to get some pills for her headache she was floored for a second time. The baking mess she'd left from the day before was no longer in existence. All the ingredients were put away. Pans and bowls had been washed and stored back in their respective homes. The fruits of her labor had been stored in large Ziploc bags and placed neatly on the counter, although she was certain half the muffins and at least a dozen cookies were missing.
After making herself a mug of tea, Ashten wandered into the living room with intent on curling up on the couch with her fuzzy blanket and finding a good binge watch until she nodded off again.
As she crossed the threshold into the room a light and flowery scent hit her nose and she stopped in her tracks, gaping at the vase on her coffee table filled with a very large bouquet of sterling silver roses. She leaned her face into the bunch and inhaled the sweetness, unable to help the swell of her heart knowing how they got there and who was responsible.
As she sat down, another object on the table piqued her curiosity. An old textbook from her Abnormal Psychology class sat on the coffee table next to the roses, open up to the chapter on personality disorders. A sheet of notebook paper with her name on it peeked out from the pages. She slid it from the pages and was, once again, face to face with Nikki's words.
Dear Ashten,
I couldn't sleep so I found this book and decided I would try and diagnose myself. I know what you're thinking:
'I'll save you the trouble, Sixx. You're just an asshole.'
And you would be right which is nothing new. Nonetheless, I'm leaning towards Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder.
I haven't done much I am proud of the last couple of days and I am not good at not getting what I want. But if not getting what I want means you get what you need then so be it. So, although I hate it, I'm giving you the space you asked for. As much as you want, for as long as you want in hopes it will lead you back to me.
That being said, there are few things I want you to know should my you ever doubt how I feel about you:
1. Finding you was the biggest and greatest surprise of my life. Fuck, you hit me like a freight train and I'm not sure I'll ever recover. And I'm certain I never want to.
2. Loving you has been the easiest thing I've ever done. Period.
3. You make me want to believe in myself which is something I really need right now.
4. The truth is I don't deserve any of it and I'm well aware of that.
Tommy thinks you are my end game and I think he's right. Please consider letting me be yours.
Because there is no life I want that doesn't include you.
Yours Always,
Nikki
Ashten folded the note and wiped the wetness from her face as she swallowed a sob. She still had a heavy heart and an ugly knot in her chest from what he did and she knew she wasn't ready to forgive him.
And wasn't sure if she ever would be.
Still, she picked up her phone and fired off a text message.
****
Nikki sat on the floor of Tommy's den, acoustic guitar over his lap, pen in his hand and his notebook open in front of him. He was fumbling with a possible bridge for a new song when his phone buzzed. He stuck his pick between his teeth and picked up the device, his eyebrows scraping the ceiling when he saw a message from Ashten.
A: Thank you for the flowers. They are beautiful.
N: So are you. And you are welcome
A: I read your letter.....
Nikki spit the pick out of his mouth and all but threw the guitar from his lap.
N: Yeah?
He held his breath as he watched the three dots blink at him. Then finally, a response.
A: I'll consider considering it. Thats the best I can do right now.
Nikki's mouth curved up. It wasn't a 'yes' but it wasn't 'no' either. And it was all he would get for right now, but all he needed at that moment.
N: Ok. I'll take it.
*******
A/N
Alrighty then. Where do they go from here???
Thanks for all the wonderful comments and motivation.
Love to you all!