For three days Rey tried her best to keep herself busy. The Resistance had plenty of equipment salavaged from the old base that required rewiring; she could throw herself into work – into surviving – as she had always done. The others, however, complicated her plans. They looked at her as if she were a lothcat in a herd of nerf. Their whispers of mistrust followed her down the corridors. Before, they had seen her powers as a gift, but now she began to understand Kylo's warning.
Stop thinking about him.
No matter what she did, her thoughts would wander back to him. Everything reminded her of him: the vial, the flower, the scar, the ship, the other members, the broken lightsaber, the Jedi texts, the droid parts, the blaster, the bed where he had sat, the bootprints on the dusty stone where he had stood, the corridor where he had lain dying, the room where she had accused him of bringing the First Order to Barkhesh, the temple, the steps, the stars, the jungle, the dark place for him in her mind, the echo of his voice in her dreams. There was a lake she dreamt of every night and she could feel his energy there. It was tormenting.
On day two, Finn asked her if she had killed Kylo. He had asked her with a smile, clearly anticipating from her pensive silence that something must have happened. His happiness as she struggled to come to terms with her loss only deepened her misery. No one understood, not even Kylo. Withholding tears, she told Finn that the bond had been destroyed. He didn't question her further, though his smile faded, and he continued to glance at her with concern throughout dinner. There seemed to be a question behind his eyes whenever she glanced back, but he didn't dare speak it. Rose looked between Finn and her with concern, but she held her tongue as well. After the base, what was there to say? They didn't trust her. That was why they looked at her like any moment she might crumble or explode, why they whispered when they thought she wasn't looking, why they didn't say a word to her other than superficial drivel.
She hated it.
She hated avoiding Leia as well, but what could she say to her? Kylo was gone, forever lost to darkness. She had failed to realize how important saving him had become to her until the Force stole him away across the galaxy. He was by far the most antagonizing man in the galaxy and lived in opposition to everything she fought for, but the thought that he would willingly leave had never crossed her mind. The darkness had convinced her of a great many untruths. Being inside the temple with the others only furthered her misery, so she took off into the jungle. No one would care that she was gone anyway.
There was something freeing about being on her own again. Physical training was exhausting and mind-numbing. She practiced forms with her staff, climbed trees, jumped the expanse between cliffs, and ran until she couldn't breathe. It reminded her of being back on Jakku. The familiarity of it was comforting.
There was no one to disappoint, no one watching her for the slightest misstep, no one deciding for her who she was supposed to be. She didn't have to hide the darkness that surrounded her energy like a storm cloud. She loved her friends, but she couldn't stand the look of concern or fear in their eyes anymore.
There were monsters hiding in the jungle, she knew there were, but she was not disquieted by their presence. Monsters would never fear her, would never be disappointed by what she was. She knew where she stood with monsters, she knew what they wanted from her, and that unambiguous danger was comforting. Certainly, it was simpler in the jungle, where friend was friend, and foe was foe. She almost felt at home there.
When she had nearly collapsed in fatigue from her intensive training, she walked the paths she had scrambled over only a few short days before. She crossed a stream with white, glittering rocks, the water soaking into her boots and tingling on her skin. She passed the stack of rocks she had made into a makeshift grave for both the Jugalor and bat, the hunter and the hunted entombed together in death. She crossed the clearing with the vines where the plant had ensnared her ankle in their trap. The severed, thorny shoots still lay dead and shriveled on the forest floor.
She reached a split in the path and followed the more overgrown trail to the largest flowers she had ever seen. Her eyes wandered up the six- to ten-meter stalks along the path to the beautiful marbled petals from giant blooms that were larger than the inside of her AT-AT. Reds and oranges, purples and yellows, blues and pinks swirled together in beautiful displays. She ran her fingers along the long seeds of domed, shimmering plants that reminded her of stars and watched the seeds take flight and glisten against the bright turquoise sky in a kaleidoscope of colors. The wind swept through her hair, and she breathed in the smell of the damp red soil and the sweet scent of the most dangerous crimson blooms. A young Borgle bat weaved through branches in the canopy, screeching as it was lost in the darkness of the shadows cast by the trees, and Rey smiled.
It was a beautiful distraction, until the sound of the jungle disappeared. She felt the tell-tale signs of another connection. His energy grew in her mind, the bond grew taut between them, she knew a connection was imminent. "Ben?" She spun where she stood, searching for him. There was a sharp snap in her mind, and the sounds of the jungle returned. It had happened at least once an hour, day and night, since he had shut her out. There was no sign that the bond was dying as he suggested. Every time she felt the snap of him shutting the door, a different emotion emerged.
First, it was disbelief, that he truly didn't want to see her ever again. When the bond snapped shut, that was his choice. The man had wanted to die because of his loneliness at the First Order; was she worse than that? Then, it was something like sorrow that it was over; she had failed him, failed his mother, failed the Resistance. Then it was anger; how dare he shut her out of the bond, he wasn't innocent in any of this, he was the mass-murdering leader of an evil organization. This time, it had been hope, again. After such a beautiful moment in the forest, she ignorantly believed that he had come back. She had lain awake at night, imagining the words she would say to him again. They weren't all kind, but they needed to be said. Now that she'd had the time to think about it all, she wanted the chance to say them.
Guided by her feet, Rey stumbled upon the ruins of the old base. It seemed different without the stormtroopers and the entirety of the Resistance taking cover inside it. She could almost feel the vibrations of the explosions, could almost smell the smoke and dedlandite, could almost hear the blasterfire and screams, as if the sensations had been forever imprinted upon the Force there. She didn't know what she was looking for until she found the remains of an orange and white astromech.
She had lost her parents, had lost Han, had lost Luke, had lost Kylo to darkness, but perhaps not everything had to stay gone. With tears of determination blurring her vision, she began painstakingly gathering each wire and bolt from the debris. Controlling the darkness and moving on from a complicated bond; those were things she could not achieve yet. But Rey knew what she was good at, she could fix Beebee-Ate. Not only for herself, but for Poe and the Resistance, whom she failed with her treachery. The bond was gone; she could earn their trust again. What Kylo did; it was for the best. The ache behind her ribs would fade. At least, that is what she convinced herself.
Rey was surprised when a hand grasped the same piece of charred metal she had reached for in the rubble. She startled, before pivoting to see the apologetic grin of her best friend. "What are you doing here?" she asked, and she knew it sounded harsher than she intended, but he took it in stride.
"I'm sorry, Rey," he said, his eyes looking more tired and red-rimmed than she had remembered them being when she left. "I should have trusted you. And I shouldn't have given you space the last few days, not when I knew you needed me."
"I'm sorry, too." Her lip pulled up into a wan smile. "I shouldn't have put the Resistance at risk."
Finn's eyes glanced down at the droid parts in her hands. "I know you spent most of your life doing things alone, but you know you don't have to do that here, right? I'm here for you, no matter what." His smile transformed into something more consoling. In that moment, she was reminded that he was not only a champion of the Resistance and enemy to her bondmate. In the turmoil of being pulled in two different directions, she had forgotten just who he was to her.
Rey said the only thing that was meaningful enough in that moment; nothing. Instead, she wrapped her arms around her friend, and he held her against him. He was not just another person she cared for whom she needed to protect from the First Order. He was the first person to ever care for her; he was the first person to come back for her. She didn't have to endure this by herself.
You are not alone, echoed in her mind. Kylo may have left her, but she wasn't alone, not with Finn by her side. He may not have understood her like Kylo had, he may not have sympathized with the despair she buried deep from the loss of Kylo and their bond, but he would support her.
"I want to be here for you too," a voice said over her shoulder. Rose. "If you want me to be." Rey opened one of her arms in invitation, and Rose joined their embrace. "We can start off by helping you rebuild Beebee-ate."
"Together?" Rey asked through tears.
"Together," Finn assured her.