#CTG52 Chapter 52
"Cha, Iñigo's here," Chase said after he opened the door to my room. I'd been back at our house for almost 2 weeks now. Ayaw pumayag ni Papa na bumalik ako sa apartment ni Iñigo. For some reason, he's blaming Iñigo for what happened to me kahit ilang beses ko ng ipinaliwanag na walang may kasalanan sa nangyari bukod sa nag-utos na sumaksak sa 'kin.
I closed my laptop as I stood up.
"You're going to talk to him?" Chase asked, a little surprised dahil sa araw-araw na pagpunta ni Iñigo dito ay hindi ko siya nagawang labasin man lang. I just... didn't want to talk when I have nothing nice to say. Hindi na kasi nababawi kapag nasabi mo na. Kagaya ng mga sinabi niya sa 'kin. Hinding-hindi ko na maaalis sa isip ko 'yun.
Months from now, when we're okay again, I'd still remember his words... and from time to time, I'd remember how that felt like.
"Yeah," I replied. "Can't leave without talking to him."
Dad wanted me to go to our house in Alaska for the time being. Ayaw niya na nandito ako sa Manila hanggang hindi pa nahuhuli kung sino iyong nagpasaksak sa akin.
It's so... weird.
He ignored me for the most parts of my life... and now, he's being overly protective. He's so... extreme. It's either he's really strict or really protective. It's like he couldn't find the balance.
But it's okay... I'd take this over being ignored by him.
I changed clothes and combed my hair. I wanted to look presentable in front of him. Ilang araw ko siyang hindi nakita. I just didn't want to face him with my eyes swollen from lack of sleep. Gabi-gabi iniisip ko lahat ng nangyayari. Para akong mababaliw. Ayaw tumigil kahit ano ang gawin ko.
Ni hindi ako maka-labas.
Palagi akong napapa-tingin sa likod ko kahit may kasama ako.
The incident did more harm than I could ever imagine.
"Hi," Iñigo said, immediately standing up when he saw me approaching. I even needed to tell him to sit dahil parang tanga siyang naka-tayo at naka-tingin lang sa akin.
"What?" I asked because he kept on staring.
He smiled a little, shaking his head. "Thank—"
"Please stop thanking me. You don't owe me anything," I said.
Ayoko ng maka-rinig ng thank you mula sa kanya. If I do anything for him, it's because I wanted to do it. He didn't need to thank me for anything.
"Right. Sor—"
"And don't apologize for everything."
Iñigo pursed his lips. Hawak niya ang kamay niya na parang hindi niya alam kung saan magsisimula.
"May gagawin ka ba ngayon?" tanong ko sa kanya. I didn't want him to stay in our house any longer dahil baka biglang dumating si Papa. He's not Iñigo's biggest fan right now because of everything that happened. I already explained, but he's not listening. Sa pananaw niya, si Iñigo ang may kasalanan at ang trabaho nito bilang prosecutor.
I didn't even blame Iñigo for what happened...
It's his job and he didn't ask for me to get stabbed.
Nobody wanted that.
Iñigo shook his head. I stood up and got my key from the hook and motioned Iñigo to follow me. Tahimik kaming dalawa sa loob ng sasakyan. I felt him staring at me and I let him. Ilang araw niya rin akong hindi nakita. I needed to fully recover bago ko pa siya pwedeng makita dahil pinagalitan ako ni Papa pati ng doctor ko dahil bumuka muli iyong mga tahi ko nung huli kaming nag-usap ni Iñigo.
Nang huminto ang sasakyan, sabay kaming lumabas. Sabay kaming naglakad ng walang nagsasalita hanggang huminto kami sa harap ng isang mausoleum.
I looked at him first.
"Papa said he told you that he'd have... our baby's remains transferred here." Iñigo nodded. "Sorry kung hindi ako naka-tulong," I continued. I was still in a chemically induced coma nang ilibing nila iyong baby...
Siguro kaya ganoon na lang ang bungad sa akin ni Iñigo nang magising ako. I couldn't imagine him burying his own child... And I wasn't even there to comfort him.
Binuksan ko ang pinto at sabay kaming tumayo sa harap kung saan naka-libing iyong baby namin. He or she didn't even have a name yet...
"Alam mo ba kung babae o lalaki?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Lalaki," sagot niya.
I gently bobbed my head. "Gusto mo bang bigyan natin ng pangalan?" I asked. I looked at him and I caught him looking at me. "I'm sorry kung ngayon lang kita naka-usap."
"Are you okay now?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
"Cha... I'm sorry—"
"Enough with the apologies, Iñigo."
Umiling siya. "No... Gusto kong humingi ng tawad. Nakapag-isip na ako. Alam ko na maling-mali iyong ginawa ko... Na kakagising mo pa lang at iyon agad ang sinabi ko—"
I cut him off. "I was told na kaka-balik mo pa lang nun sa libing ng baby natin. Naiintindihan ko."
Silence engulfed us again.
Would we ever get over this?
The death of our first child?
"Gusto ko pa ring magsorry..."
"Please stop apologizing," I pleaded.
"But I want to apologize for not thinking about you—"
"You don't always have to think about me, Iñigo. You were hurting. It's okay for you to think about yourself first."
Muli siyang umiling. "No. I was wrong on that. I acknowledge that I was wrong. I shouldn't have said those words—"
"But you meant them all," I said, cutting him off. His lips slightly parted. I looked directly at him. "You meant every word. You're scared of me. You always ask me first before doing anything. Kahit sa simpleng kung ano ang kakainin natin, kung saan tayo pupunta, kung ano ang gagawin natin—all the decisions, the big and the small ones, they depended on me... on what I want... It's always been like that."
"I'm not scared of you—I'm in love with you," he said, looking directly into my eyes. "Those are just small things, Cha. I can live with that. And if living with those small changes means that I can have you in my life, then I'm good with it."
Umiling ako.
"I'm not okay with it," I told him. "That's not how it should work—"
"Wala namang manual sa ganito, Cha. Masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Masaya ako na pinagbibigyan ka. Maliliit na bagay lang 'yun... Okay lang naman sa 'kin... 'Yung kay Jax... Isang beses lang 'yun... 'Yun lang 'yung hiniling ko na sumama 'yung loob ko dahil hindi ka sumunod... Pero sa ibang bagay, wala akong pakielam. Okay lang sa akin kung saan mo gustong tumira, kung saan mo gustong mamasyal, kung saan mo gustong magbakasyon—those things I can live with. Maliit na bagay lang 'yun, Cha. Ikaw lang naman 'yung importante sa 'kin."
I pursed my lips and drew a deep breath.
"Let's not fight in front of our... son, okay?"
Napa-tingin din siya sa libingan at marahang tumango.
"Okay," sagot niya. "Pero... totoo ba na aalis ka?"
"Do you want to sit?" I asked instead. "It feels like this is going to be a long conversation."
We sat and rested our back against our child's grave. Naka-tingin kami sa harapan namin. Puro libingan... This place was so... sad. It reminded me of how fickle life is. Isang araw, buhay ka. Sa susunod, wala ka na. Ganoon kabilis.
"Aalis ka ba talaga?" muling tanong niya.
"Yes," I replied.
"Kailan ka babalik?"
"Hindi mo ako pipigilan?" I asked.
"Gusto... pero hindi naman lahat ng gusto ko dapat masunod."
I hugged my knees closer to my chest. Kung buhay pa sana ang baby namin, dapat may check-up kami ngayon... Siguro by this time, kumpleto na namin ni Iñigo iyong nursery. Tuwing nase-stress kasi siya sa kaso ni Katherine, kung anu-ano iyong nabibili namin hanggang sa nagulat kami na halos kumpleto na iyong gamit ni baby.
Yellow.
We agreed on yellow as the theme of the baby's room.
When he asked why yellow, I just shrugged. I didn't tell him that yellow reminded me of our law school days... Iyong kung paanong walking sunshine ang tingin ko sa kanya dahil parang ang saya-saya niya palagi... Iyon pala ay magaling lang siyang magtago ng mga problema niya.
"I'll be back as soon as possible," I said. "As soon as mahuli kung sino iyong sumaksak sa 'kin," I continued. "It shouldn't be long... Papa's really doing everything he can to find out who did that."
"I'm gonna email you a lot..."
"Just facetime me."
"Pwede?"
"Iñigo," I called instead. Agad siyang humarap sa akin. I clearly saw the dark circle around his eyes. "I love you," I said and his lips parted at the mention of the three words. "I'm leaving because I love you. We need this space. We just lost our son. Alam ko kahit hindi mo sabihin sa akin, may parte sa 'yo na sinisisi ako sa nangyari and I honestly don't blame you for that... I blame myself, too... Every night, I think about that day... I can clearly remember the feeling of being stabbed... of thinking about the baby... kung paanong hindi pa ako handang mamatay dahil hindi pa kita pwedeng iwan..."
Umiling siya.
"It's no one's fault—"
"We both know that it's my fault," I said, cutting him off. "And I'm really sorry, Iñigo... I'm sorry..."
Pero hindi ko na nasunod iyong sasabihin ko dahil naramdaman ko ang braso niyang mabilis akong niyakap. I felt him kissing the top of my head.
"Saan ka pupunta?" tanong niya.
"Alaska," I replied.
"Di ba malamig 'dun? Pinanindigan mo na ba ang pagiging Queen Elsa mo?"
I broke the hug and glared at him. I saw him smile. It's been weeks since I saw him smile.
"This will be good for us," I said.
"Paano?"
"You can learn to be... independent."
"Cha, I'd been independent my whole life."
Sadness washed over me. Iñigo's been so strong that I almost always forgot how he lived alone almost all his life... He's much stronger than what I give him credit for.
"But you'd been dependent on my decisions ever since we became together," I said instead. "And... hindi naman ako matagal mawawala."
"Paano kapag hindi agad nahuli iyong sumaksak sa 'yo? Pwede ba akong sumunod sa Alaska?"
"If you can convince my dad, sure."
"Okay," he said, tightening his hold around me. "May kasama ka ba roon?"
"Wala. Ako lang."
I was actually looking forward to it. I felt like all my life, I'd been reading and studying. Mula pagkabata ko hanggang maka-graduate ako hanggang sa pagta-trabaho, nag-aaral lang ako. I looked forward to just sleeping and bumming around. It would be a nice change of scenery.
"Okay... Hindi mo naman siguro ako ipagpapalit sa Canadian, noh?"
"Hindi naman siguro."
"Hindi ka sigurado?"
"Hindi pa naman tayo kasal," I kidded, but he was too serious that he failed to hear the lack of seriousness in my voice. Bakit ko naman siya ipagpapalit? We'd been through so much already. I just needed the space—hindi lang para sa akin kung hindi para na rin sa kanya.
He removed the hug and then got something from his pocket. I saw the ring again. Was he just really carrying that around?
"This is yours," he said, handing me the ring.
"Iñigo—"
"Kahit 'wag mo munang suotin... Itago mo muna," he said, grabbing my hand and placing the ring on my palm. "Just take it. As a reminder that I'm here, waiting."
I sighed, giving in and taking the ring. I held it inside my hand. I looked at him and saw how serious he was.
"Use this time wisely," I said. He looked so sad. "Iñigo, this will be good for you," I continued because I didn't want him thinking that I was leaving for nothing... because I seriously believe that this time apart would be good for us—for him mostly.
I thought about the entire time we had and I hated that I failed to recognize how he'd been the only one adjusting. He needed to regain himself—who he was before we got together. I felt like he'd adjusted too much that he actually forgot who he is, what he wants... kasi puro ako ang inuuna niya.
"You're good for me," he said.
"Iñigo..."
He sighed. "Okay," he replied.
He's giving in again.
Tumayo ako. I looked at him and offered my hand.
"Naayos mo na ba iyong gamit sa apartment?" I asked. Umiling siya. "Tutulungan muna kitang ayusin 'yun bago ako umalis."
Iñigo looked like he's fighting every fiber of his being that was shouting for him to stop me from leaving... but he did no such thing. Tahimik niyang kinuha ang kamay ko at saka siya tumayo.
"Dylan," he suddenly said.
"Huh?"
"People v Villa del Rey," he replied. "That's the case I won nung mabuo si baby..." sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa akin. He smiled sadly. "I reread the case. Dylan lang iyong magandang pangalan 'dun para sana kay baby."
I smiled back.
"Dylan. I like that," I said and then looked at our son's grave. "We'll be back, Dylan," I continued before we got out of the mausoleum.
* * *
Iñigo was lying when he told me na hindi pa siya tapos mag-ayos ng gamit. Pagdating namin sa apartment, halos naka-ayos na ang lahat. May dalawang box na lang na hindi pa nabubuksan, pero iyon na 'yun.
"Sabi mo hindi ka pa tapos," I said.
"May dalawa pa," he defended, but I merely stared at him. "Wala akong magawa kaya inayos ko na lahat," he continued.
I wanted to ask him about his work, but I figured that that's his decision. I never asked him to resign and I would never do it. Alam ko kung gaano niya ka-gusto ang trabaho niya. That's the reason why he's so good at it—because he actually loves being a prosecutor.
"Kailan ang alis mo?" he asked while waiting for the water to boil.
"Bukas."
Napa-hinto siya.
"Babalik naman ako agad," I said, feeling the need to add it.
Iñigo made us coffee. Tahimik siya nang ilagay niya iyon sa harap ko. The apartment looked really nice. Ngayon ko lang nakita ito ng ganito ka-linis dahil buong pagtira namin dito, puro box ang nakikita ko.
"Ano'ng gagawin ko habang wala ka?" tanong niya sa akin.
Naka-upo kami at nanonood ng kung anuman ang nasa TV, pero buong atensyon ko ay nasa kanya lang.
"Magtrabaho... Maglinis ng apartment... Maggrocery... Pwede ka ng mamili ng ulam mo sa dinner ng hindi ako tinatanong."
"I really don't mind that, Cha," sabi niya. "Kaya kita tinatanong palagi kung ano ang gusto mong kainin kasi sa ating dalawa, ikaw 'yung mahinang kumain. Kaya gusto ko na 'yung ulam natin gusto mo para marami kang kinakain."
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa tasa.
He's really too good for me.
I smiled at him, trying my hardest to not tear up. "Well... for now, pwede ka ng kumain ng kahit ano'ng gusto mo."
He smiled sadly. "Right... Exciting," he sarcastically said.
Silence engulfed us again.
Sa bawat segundo, ramdam ko iyong paglamig ng kape.
"Babalik ka naman, 'di ba?" muling tanong niya.
"I promise."
"Maghihintay ako."
"Alam ko."
"Naka-usap ko si Katherine," sabi niya. "Nagsorry ako sa kanya."
Agad akong napa-tingin sa kanya. Kitang-kita ko iyong higpit ng pagkaka-hawak niya sa tasa niya. Parang anumang segundo ay mababasag na lang 'yun.
"Galit na galit siya sa 'kin."
I threw all inhibitions away and just bridged the distance and wrapped him inside my arms. I knew that he always had a soft spot for Katherine... Parang ako kay Jax... They're our friends... The friendship we formed during law school days was different. It's something I couldn't explain.
I'd seen how hard it was for him every time he'd go in front and argue for Katherine's prosecution. Alam na alam ko iyon dahil ako ang kasama ni Iñigo pagkatapos ng bawat hearing. I saw how hard it was for him and how he gave in and questioned the judge when he couldn't take it anymore.
"I'll talk to her," I said.
"Wag na. Tama naman siya. May kasalanan din naman ako."
"You just chose us, your family," I replied. "I'm sorry I didn't choose us, Iñigo..."
I felt him tightening the hug.
"Let's stop apologizing, Cha... Tapos na... Wala na tayong magagawa... Just please... Please come back to me when you're ready," he whispered against my ear.
I combed his hair.
He's such a baby sometimes.
"I promise," I said. "Pagbalik ko, hahanap na tayo ng lupa and magpapatayo na tayo ng bahay. Kaya magtrabaho kang mabuti kasi kailangan natin ng pera," I continued and I felt him smiling.