After workout picture of Mason Chafer ^^
I want to dedicate this chapter to two very beautiful individuals heyheyyhey2 who gives me a very long, interesting review of every chapter and is my most enthusiastic reader, and uh_huh-listen_boi who has been there since day one! Tysm guys and to everyone I'm really grateful, don't hesitate to text me anytime.
(Please don't play the song until it says so in the chapter for added effect, I promise you won't regret it. :) )
Chapter 14 - Fear, Tears, Sadness and Safety.
Oliver
I can not and should not diagnose myself with bipolar disorder, because whenever I felt this way, I was always at the depressive lows. Not once have I gotten to the manic highs. At least not yet. Some days I just wake up feeling severe sadness, regret for all the bad decisions I've made weighing down on my chest, bringing tears to my eyes.
Today wasn't the first day I woke up with my pillow drenched with tears. It was just one of those many days, and more to come. I haven't really said anything about it to anyone, but I think I had a serious case of sleep-crying on some nights. Candidly, feeling this way did not bother me at all. I only felt concern for my mum, seeing me this way would break her. And finding out just how long I've felt this way and stayed mute about it would only exacerbate her pain.
She tries her very best to keep me happy, she even goes out of her way just to please me. I appreciated this, I really did, but it wasn't working. Yes, I felt temporary happiness knowing I was completely safe under her care, I felt really grateful for having a mother like her. Despite everything my depression lingered, solely because she didn't know the major cause of my emotional unrest. I'm quite open with my mum but I never told her how confused I am about my sexual orientation. It hurts even me to say that at times like this she couldn't help because I'd refused to be completely transparent with her on the issue.
I wasn't scared that she'd reject me or hate me, I was scared that if I told her, or my dad, they'd feel the need to treat me differently. To see me differently. Honestly, I couldn't care less about what my dad thought. We've never been close, he's never showed the average amount of fatherly interest in my life, this simply means he doesn't really care about my sexuality. So why should I care about what he might think?
Heck! Was I even sure that the reason behind my rapidly growing melancholy was just my unwanted bi-curious nature? That it wasn't something a little more severe or genetic.
Thursday had passed by really quickly, just another day of faking smiles and burying my emotions deeper alongside my true desires. I barely spoke to my friends Kevin and Shirley yesterday, even Chris who shares one lecture with us on Thursdays.
I'd received an email from the university last night. It contained the name of the professor that was to take us on Fridays, and an apology for the two weeks delay. He was to start by next week Friday so this was my last free Friday in Denberg. And I was spending it in complete sadness.
I laid in bed for hours, staring up at the ceiling while really trying my best to stop crying, but to no avail. Although feeling this way did not bother me, I hated the feeling. If I could stop this feeling or maybe be someone else trust me I would take that chance in an instant. I always prayed that some day I'll wake up and completely forget what it means to be sad... or bi-curious.
I had over two dreams last night which I now had no memory of. I really did not want to remember anyway, it's probably what incited my emotions this morning. It's best left forgotten.
I'd been awake since 4am, it was 8 now but my room was still dark. The piercing bright light of day hindered by my thick, dark coloured curtains which were still drawn.
On days like this I tried my best to avoid using any kind of social media platforms, matter of fact, going on my phone doesn't occur to me much on day like this. It only fans my depression and appropriates my sadness because that's what social media does these days. It has it's good sides, but majority of the internet society are toxic to the mental health of most.
I also feel a bit jealous when I see people post about how happy and content they are with their lives. It alright to post your happiness for the whole world to see, but most times we envy the wrong people.
I sighed and rolled over to my other side, sniffing.
What I'd give to be normal, I asked myself but at the same time another question popped in. Am I abnormal though?
I couldn't be the only one who felt this way, there are over seven billion humans on earth. At least one must have this same problem that I'm posed with. Or maybe an animal, in the least.
Just like always, Jess knew how make me feel better on days like this. Back in highschool I never even had to tell her exactly how I felt, she had an eye for it. This exact reason; the fact that we cherished each other so much, was the reason our friendship stood strong despite all the ups and downs and above all, the fact that we were almost perfect opposites to each other.
She was loud and loved to live in the moment, she wasn't impulsive though, while me on the other hand agonizes over every single decision. Little or otherwise.
I really couldn't picture her being sad at all, but that was a bit unfair of me. We all had our highs and lows, some more than most.
The need to talk with her constantly rising and pushing me to pick up my phone. I resisted, resorting to leaving her a text message.
Me
Please call me when you're free. I won't be on any platforms today, Jess. I hope you've a nice day ahead of you anyway, I love you.
I set my phone down immediately, ignoring every other notifications. I fell back on my bed. Stifling sobs, I was finally able to get a lid over my emotions after another thirty minutes or more.
My mouth felt surprisingly dry, I figured it was probably due to all the crying. I could taste the salty tears in my mouth. I got out of bed, and walked over to my fridge. I opened it and gulped down a full bottle of water at once, putting the cap back on, I walked over to the other side of my room and tossed the empty bottle into the little trash can I had at the other end of the room.
I walked back to my fridge and shut it closed. I did have a bad habit of leaving the fridge or freezer open. I had absolutely no idea how that even happens.
I plopped back down on my bed. I tried to look at the bright side of things; I was already in the university, currently navigating through my very first and last year of being a freshman. Here I could truly be the way I was feeling without having to pretend, back at home I'd have to force smiles and fake laughter just so my mum doesn't find out how much of a sad mess her son can be. I had Jessica here with me, big bonus. Although it felt like she was taking forever to resume, she was going to arrive in due time and that was very reassuring. I'd made a few good friends, Mako, Chris, Shirley, Kevin, and Khalid were nice people. Damian seemed nice too, but I've not known him for the sufficient amount of time for me to be certain, so I can't conclude yet.
I had a soothing long shower-well I mostly just stood under the stall as my emotions came overflowing again, and my tears mixing with the water. The water rushed down so quickly and didn't fail to rid my face of the tears the second they fell from my eyes, it was as if it was telling me to stop crying already. I had toast and avocado for lunch, brunch actually, with a cup of coffee.
After eating and putting the plate away, I settled on reading a novel. I'd decided to spend half of my day on a good book, while the other half strictly on animé and assignments. Well assignments and studying will have to come a lot later, I can't study in my current state of mind.
Stuffing my face with Chocolates, because that's a good cure for depression, I was totally absorbed in the novel I was reading when a knock was placed on my door. I ignored the first two times but when the person persisted, knocking a third time I checked my phone for the time. It was 1pm.
Groaning and putting the Chocolate bar in the middle of the page I was on, I wore swear pants over the loose boxers I was currently putting on.
There was a fourth knock which wasn't completed before I pulled the door open, revealing a smiling, waving Khalid. Outside was way brighter than the underground lair I'd turned my room into with the curtains, I squinted my eyes at the light as they slowly adjusted to the brightness.
He had a refulgent smile, he beamed even wider when his gaze met mine, his light brown eyes shimmering and reflecting so much happiness and high spiritedness. His thick black hair shone brightly when the light grazed upon the tip of his hair which sat beautifully on his head, adorning his perfect muscular face and remarkable jawline.
He was wearing a sleeveless top which made his dense muscular arms completely visible. His smile quickly faded and the light left his eyes when they settled on my gloomy face. I imagined my eyes were red and swollen from all the crying.
I removed my glasses, wiping my eyes gently, sniffing and cleaning my mouth for Chocolate stains, I opened the door a bit wider, ushering him in. I couldn't speak, at least not yet. I didn't trust my voice, it was mostly likely to sound croaked and shaky.
Understanding my gesture, he got in and kicked off his flips at the door before making his way to my bed, where he sat. He sat so calmly as though the bed was going to break if he was any less conscientious. I returned to my table, putting my glasses back on, I resumed the book I was reading before he knocked.
Silence lingered between us for an uncomfortably long time, I began to feel I was making him uncomfortable and at the same giving him the impression that I was a very boring person, but what could I do? It has been a cloudy day for me.
He scooted to the edge of the bed, I knew this because I was sort of looking up at him from my book once in a while, he cleared his throat to get my full attention before he spoke.
"You look..." he trailed, looking for the right words, "not like yourself. It's not like you've a resting happy face, but you look, dare I say... depressing." He spoke a bit slowly, picking his words carefully and scanning my face for any clues.
I involuntarily sniffed again, and hummed in response. I still didn't trust my voice so I nodded as well to make him know I wasn't ignoring him.
"Is anything wrong?" He asked gently, genuine concern showing through his soft voice which grazed my ear with such fondness.
My eyes still in my book, I hummed again while shaking my head from side to side slowly.
"Family problems?" He asked.
If daddy issues count as family problems then I suppose yes I do have family problems, but since they don't, I just shook my head from side to side and hummed again in response.
His mouth made an 'Oh' shape, "someone say mean rubbish to you?" He guessed again, tilting his head to the side.
I shook my head again, still not trusting my voice. I did clear my throat anyway. He was trying to make conversation, it was totally rude of me to not reply with actual words. I could see he was trying his best to help me cheer up.
He finally gave up and fell back on my bed, facing up.
"Oh I get it, you're school sad," he stated like a revelation, sighing before he continued, "we're all in the same boat." He finished.
Coming to think of it, school was the primary cause of my triggered emotions. I had lots of things going on and it was just my second week in the university; Casper, Mason, Chris suspecting that I might be gay, locking my emotions away and trying so hard not to stare too long at any guys I came across. Not just that; my grades, school work. I was sternly scared of failure. I needed an almost perfect CGPA, not just because I wanted to impress my dad. I want to feel fulfilled and proud of myself.
A perfect grade point was also very necessary to land a good job after graduation, so all of these being in the equation took a huge toll on me today.
"Trust me, school is only making you feel this way because you're letting it," he continued, still facing up. "I mean, I know we all need good grades and sometimes, if not all the time, school work can be very overwhelming. Some professors and students only make matters worse, and then we find ourselves thinking about our lasting predicament, letting in the sadness. But you need to give yourself some credit; make time for yourself, relax and have fun." He turned to his side facing me now, "I guess what I'm trying to say is just let loose and go with the flow" he said with the brightest, reassuring smile ever.
I could feel my mood lift, and this wasn't Jess, this was Khalid. He was able to make me want to smile on a day like this with just words. His words
He raised an eyebrow at me "if you don't know how to let loose, I can show you." He spread his arms apart as if letting me in.
I stared at him in awe, he basically just summed up my problems, at least the basic ones he had knowledge of, into one ugly big ball, and came up with an easy solution. He's been paying attention after all for him to know so much about how apprehensive of everything I can be.
The sadness I felt was replaced with another emotion, an emotion just as strong. I forced myself to ignore it. But I couldn't deny the fact that I felt strong attraction towards Khalid. I kept my eyes fixated on his, fighting the urge to make my gaze hover around his face to his lips, then other striking features of his body. Features like his sturdy chest and abdomen.
He broke our little staring contest when he fell back on the bed, and continued staring at the ceiling.
"Oh, and before you ask, yes. I attended the two lectures I had today. Letting loose doesn't mean ignoring your studies," he scoffed, "it's just as important."
Ha! I wasn't even thinking that but okay, it's great you attended lectures today.
I took my attention back to my book, without uttering a single word to him. I did have a calm look on my face, so I hoped he understood where I stood at the time. He just laid there on my bed silently, occasionally looking in my direction and waving like a child. I found it hilarious but I was more puzzled at his actions. He could be in his room right now playing on his PS4 or doing something fun with the guys, but he was here instead. Laying in silence, I didn't even have a television.
He sighed loudly twice, signalling frustration. I looked up at him from my book just before he snapped his head in my direction.
"You really don't plan to spend the entire day cooped up in here while stuffing your face with Chocolates, now do you?" He asked, I could totally understand his frustration.
I'd flipped over eight leaves of my novel, that simply meant the silence has lasted for far too long. I just looked at him with a bored expression, he looked disappointed and tired now.
Why was he still here then?
He sighed and shook his head. Shooting up from the bed, he straightened his shirt out. "Come on, let's go for a drive." He proposed, walking over to where I sat and held out his hands to me.
I closed my book slightly, putting a finger in the middle, I sniffed and sent him pleading eyes. I really wasn't in the mood to leave this room, let alone go for a drive around town.
"I'll buy you more Chocolates," he added with a smirk on his face.
That made me break a smile, immediately.
God I'm such a sucker for Chocolates.
"Promise?" I finally spoke after all this while of letting only him do the talking, at least I was listening attentively to what he had to say.
Unfortunately the sound of my voice came out as a wheeze. I cringed at it and cleared my throat getting ready to try again, but he heard me.
"Oh gee now you speak, why am I not surprised." He teased with an eye roll, "yes I promise, I'll buy you more Chocolates" he said with a chuckle which really made the weight on my chest a lot lighter.
I put a pencil in the page of the book where I stopped, shutting it and sending it down before I got up. I stretched like crazy, making straining sounds which caused Khalid to laugh softly. I grabbed my phone and the key to my room before we slid into our flips and made our way out.
***
He drove out of the dorm. The drive was quiet, aside from some songs that weren't Khalid's playing softly in the background, none of us spoke. It truly felt like he was trying new artists, the ones I mentioned or he was just playing some of the songs of my favourite artists to help boost my mood.
Either way it had me feeling a bit hot and red in the face.
"Why do you insist on spending time with me today though?" I finally came to a conclusion to ask the question that has been on my mind.
He looked back and forth from me to the road ahead before he spoke.
"Uhhh..." he trailed off, probably trying to phrase his answer in the best way possible. He ended up loosing track and released a chuckle. "I don't even know myself, I suppose we're just the right people for each other today." His eyes rested on me for a few seconds before he sent his attention back to the road.
"Oh, yes! I know a nice, relaxing place to go," he chirped as he got the idea.
I smiled at his cheerful behaviour. "You do? And where's that?" I asked absent-mindedly, staring out of the window as he drove. Turns out the drive was relaxing after all.
"The lake, it's close by." He answered while taking a turn, probably heading for the lake.
I took me a moment to register what he'd just said and when I did, I felt a rush rise from the pit of my stomach and shoot straight to my brain, making me snap my head at him.
"Pardon?" I asked with a shaky voice, I'd began to feel hot all of a sudden and fear washed over me.
"The lake. Why, is something wrong?" He asked, sparing me a glance.
"Yes!" I shrieked louder than I intended to, attacking him and the steering wheel. I swayed my hands frantically as I tried to get him to turn around.
The car swerved and revved, luckily the street was empty so he broke a few traffic rules and pulled over in the wrong direction. The action was quick, even I feared he might lose control of the car, but at that moment I didn't care. I could do anything to stop him from taking me to the lake. Fortunately he didn't lose control, he stopped by the side of the road and turned off the car.
I was still throwing my hands around in his face and he struggled to get them under control. He finally took both my hands into one of his palms, gently putting them down he held my head at place and tried to me to calm down.
I was wheezing and sobbing, tears flowing down my eyes all over again. "P-p-please don't take me there," I begged stuttering and sobbing.
"Shh," he tried to help me collect my emotions, as he started fondling my hair. "Deep breaths Olly, calm down." He tried but I didn't listen.
"Don't take me there, don't take me there, don't take me there." I kept repeating, shaking my head frantically.
"Calm down Olly, please." He tried again
"I don't want to go, don't take me there," I insisted, balling my eyes out and shouting.
"Okay, okay I won't." He told me.
I didn't believe him so I continued to cry and protest.
"Trust me, I won't." He said with the softest voice ever, as he pressed our fore heads together and let go of my hands to show I had complete control over everything now.
He cupped my face, still leaning his forehead on mine and muttering soft calming words to me. My eyes were closed I couldn't see his face, but I could feel the warmth of his breath settle on my face. I could perceive the sweet scent of his mouth at the deepest part of my nostrils.
Trailing his thumbs on my cheek and wiping my tears with the action, he kept muttering words of assurance to me. Making me feel safe right here in his presence. I finally staunched my crying and steadied my breathing again with deep breaths, I opened my eyes. His eyes were closed and I could see distress written all over his face, he looked like he was angry at himself for making me like this.
I instantly got conscious of how close we were. Gently tearing his hands away from my face, he opened his eyes and we both leaned back on our chairs. We sat there in painful silence, the only sound that could be heard was my loud breathing.
"Umm," he started "I'm actually parked on the wrong side of the road, if you're stable now we can start heading back to the dorm." His voice was straight and void of all emotions. It hurt my ears just to hear him sound like this. It hurt my heart even more because I was the reason behind his sudden bluntness.
"Let's continue on our way to the lake" I muttered.
"Excuse me?" He tilted his head forward to look at me.
"I said let's go to the lake," I shook my head trying to get the memory of that awful incident at the beach out of my head, "take us to the lake." I finished with a sob.
"Olly we don't have to go if you don't want to." Concern had returned to his voice.
I turned to meet his gaze, "no I want to. I really want to. I'm just aquaphobic and when you said you were going to drive to the lake, it came as a surprise. I wasn't expecting that." I explained.
"Oh" he muttered to himself, "did something happen or you've always been this way?" He asked.
"I once was at the verge of drowning at the beach, when I was younger. That particular incident really scared my mum, I wouldn't want to put her through that ever again." I spoke, trying my best to not start crying again.
He leaned back in his chair, facing the road. "We don't have to go if you don't want to, I can go another time." He spoke with a sad tired tone, staring blankly at the road.
"No, I really want to go now, I want to see it. Just as long as we don't swim." I answered.
"I never intended for us to swim," he let out a sad laugh, "hell we have a pool back in our dormitory" He finished.
I took out my hand and caught his which was resting by side, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak out in front of you like that.
"No, no you don't have anything to apologise for." He interlaced our hands. "And you don't have to go if you really do not want to." He repeated.
"No Khalid, I want to go. I want to go to the lake... with you" I insisted, surprising myself with what I'd just said.
"Do you trust me?" He asked under his breath.
"I can learn to," I replied with a similar tone.
"Then I promise you'll be safe with me, just trust me this once." He said, putting his hand over my hand and patting it.
With that he broke our hold, turned on the car and started driving again.
***
When we got to the lake, he parked the car at a safe distance where cars are usually parked. He alighted and I followed suit before he locked the doors. He sent me a reassuring smile, holding out his hands for me to take them. We walked on the lake deck together while holding hands. Despite his strong hold I still walked shakily.
He let go and sat at the edge of the deck, letting his legs swing down. He held out his hands ready to catch me in case I lose my balance or footing, as he tapped the space beside him, motioning for me to sit. I tried to steady my steps, slowly settling down with his assistance.
We sat there with little distance between us. I know the calm lake was supposed to make me feel as light as a feather but honestly it was doing the opposite. I was as stiff and uncomfortable as ever, fear gripping me making me shiver not only from the cold wind.
As if taking cognisance of how unnerved I was he threw his arm over my shoulder, dragging me closer and scooting closer as well so that my head now rested on his shoulder. The sudden feel of his bare arm around my neck made me jump a bit. He slid his arm down from my shoulder, now gripping my sides.
There was absolutely no distance between us now, I could hear him breathe and if I listened hard enough, I could also hear his heartbeat which sounded like such sweet melody accompanied with the occasional gusts of wind.
I appreciated the lake a lot more now, the view was indeed amazing. No, not just amazing, it was really magnificent and quiet here. Only nature spoke.
(Play the song)
It was a bit colder around the lake and often times when the wind got intense, I unintentionally stiffened and Khalid would hold me tighter, pulling me in closer than we already were.
"So you're aquaphobic because you almost drowned when you were little?" Khalid asked breaking the comfortable silence that lasted between us until now.
"Yes. It was unfair of me to do that to my mum, she did warn me against going too far." I started "It happened when I was ten, I promised myself to never do something that would make her that way ever again. She was hysterical," I expatiated on the incident.
He hummed, gently rubbing my side. "Do you see yourself in a pool anytime soon?"
"I-I... I'm not sure." I answered, stammering out of uncertainty.
"I want to make you a promise." He spoke.
I looked up at his face catching him smiling down at me before resting back on his shoulder.
"And what promise could that be?" I said smiling uncontrollably at how adorable he could be.
"I promise to help you get over your aquaphobia before the end of this semester." He said with laugh, which gave away his own doubt in what he'd just said
"Really?" I asked.
He hummed, approving. I could tell he was getting a bit more confident now.
"I hope so too, I really want to swim again." I replied, I honestly missed swimming. I learnt a few techniques after a whole year of just splashing and walking around in pools during summer.
"It's okay, I got you. Just stick with me." He said taking his arm back up to my shoulder and resting his head on mine.
I've never felt so comfortable in my entire life.
_
Happy late valentine's to you all, I promised to get this done today and I did! I just need you all to know that I love you so much and you can talk to me anytime!
Please love me back, vote and leave your comments because they mean the world to me. Stay happy! <3
Till next time.
Khalid's aesthetic.