"So, can you tell me why the two of you are here today?." I stare back at the the guy, better known as a couples counselor.
You probably wondering, what the hell happened? And how did you ended up here? Well, sit down and make yourself comfortable. Here comes me pouring my heart out. Again.
Well, it all started after my encounter with Camila at the party. Seeing her, woken something up in me, that I didn't knew that was still there. That something is called; trust issues.
Trust me, the last thing I want is to have those feelings. Especially since Shawn and I are in such a good place and things are slowly starting to feel normal again between us but I really cannot help it. Although, I know that he is real with me and that he learned his lesson, I cannot help but to think about if he is going to leave me again. What if someone comes along, someone who is much prettier and funnier than I am? It happened before, so why wouldn't it happen again? You know what I mean? I know it is stupid but I don't know if I could survive another blow like that.
I was keeping the thoughts for myself for a week and kept pushing them away, that was until the conversation I had with my mother yesterday and I just broke down. I hate myself sometimes because I cannot stop overthinking. I overthink every little detail of my life. I poured my heart out to my mother about everything I could think of. She was the one who suggested to go to couples counseling with Shawn. Because if those issues are not going to be solved now, they can cause major problems in the future.
So, after the 10 attempted to call Shawn, I finally collected the strength to do so. I had hoped that he didn't picked up the phone because it was already past midnight but after the second ring, he picked up with his sleepy voice. When he realized that I didn't call for nothing, he immediately came over. Which was incredibly sweet.
I talked his ears off until the early morning hours, but the feeling didn't went away. So, extremely long story short but that is how we ended here, at couples counseling, 12 hours later.
I keep staring at my feet, not really knowing how to start or where to begin.
"Um well..."- Shawn starts. "To be completely honest with you, I have no idea why we are here. Sure, I know that there are still some issues left that we have from the past but I thought that we were working on those, together."
"So, why are you here then? If you don't know the reason behind it?." The counselor continues. That's the thing with those people, they have learned how to ask questions. If you understand what I am saying. They dig deeper. They really try to understand what the deeper problem is and make you talk about it. And if you can explain what the problem is to them, the automatically you will understand it as well.
"Because I love her, Sir. There is not a thing in my power I wouldn't do to try to make her happy. And if that means coming here and talk about it, then I am all for it."
"That is kind of you. So, you really do love her?."
"Of course I do. If I didn't loved her, I wouldn't be here. I have a lot of other things to do but I chose to push those things aside, to be here. To be here for her."
"How does that make you feel, Rose?." At the mention of my name, I look up at the guy. I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life as I do now. I think that I made a mistake on thinking that this was the only solution. Why am I telling a stranger all the ins and outs of my relationship?
I quickly look at Shawn, who is staring at me with participating eyes and back to the guy.
"I don't know. It is really sweet and I really appreciate him being here because I know how many appointments he had to reschedule to be here but..."-
"But what?." Shawn immediately jumps in.
I bite my lip and shrugs my shoulders. I cannot tell him the issues I have because he simply would tell that they are no problems. He wouldn't understand.
"Shawn, maybe it's a good idea if I talk to Rose alone for a couple of seconds."
"But this is couples counseling, right? What is the use of me being here if I have to stay in the hallway?."
"It will only be for a couple of seconds. I promise."
I keep my eyes on the floor, as I feels Shawn's eyes burning at the side of my face. After a couple of seconds, he sighs deeply and leaves the room without another word said.
"Can you please look at me, Rose?." The man says gently as I feel the tears burning in my eyes.
"I feel so stupid." I say as I wipe a tear away that slowly runs down my cheek.
"And why is that?."
I shrug my shoulders yet again. Why is it so hard to articulate what I am feeling?
"Is it that you don't know or that you don't want to tell me?."
"I don't know how to explain because it is so stupid that I feel this way."
"Feelings are never stupid, Rose."
"But these are because he has been nothing but amazing to me. He is so devoted to me and my feelings but... I just cannot..."-
"What you cannot? Try to explain it to me. I really want to help you. I see how much you are struggling."
"I just don't know if I can trust him. He says all these amazing things to me and I really want to believe him but the things he said are the same as what he told me a couple of years ago..."
"You have had a break in your relationship?."
"Yea, we umm..."- it is still hard to talk about the past. "We dated for about 8 or 9 months two years ago. We had this undeniably connection from the moment we met and we jumped right into it, without really thinking. I wasn't prepared for everything that came along with dating a famous person. Heck, I wasn't even prepared for the things that come along with dating someone in general. Shawn was the first guy I ever trusted after...."
"After....?."
"I had a relationship before I met Shawn. The guy wasn't really treating me like he was supposed to and that kind of left it's marks in my life and it changed the way I look at relationships. I am over that though. I have given it a place but when Shawn cheated on me with a girl, I knew along that there was something more than just best friends, I don't know. It was like I was back being that insecure 15 year old again. It hit me hard." On this point, the tears are streaming down my cheeks. "Sorry... I..." I say as I try to make the tears stop from falling.
"No, this is good. Those emotions had to come out at some point." He has right. "Why can't you tell this when he is around?."
"Because there is a reason behind him cheating. Don't get me wrong, he has a big part in the story and I don't justify his decisions. That was all him but it all started by him trying to help his friend and by having bad people around him, who kind of pushed him into making those decisions. I know he still beats himself up over it and I don't want him to hurt."
"But, don't you think that he deserves to know what is going on in your head? From what I can see, is the guy hopelessly in love with you and really tries to fix every sorrow you have but you keep pushing him away. I know the reasons behind your actions are pure but I think that pushing him away and 'protecting' him, isn't going to solve anything between you two."
I nod my head in agreement. He is right. "You are right."
"Maybe it's a good idea to bring him back into the conversation again?."
"Yeah."
The guy nods and stands up. He opens the door. A couple of seconds later, Shawn walks back in. My eyes find his as he sits down next to me. His hard eyes, immediately soften as he sees my tear strained face. "Are you okay?." He whispers softly as he wipes away the falling tears.
I nod my head but I cannot help my shivering lip as I feel another wave of tears welling up in my eyes. "I am sorry."
"O baby..."- he shuffles closer to me on the couch and pulls me against him tightly. "Just let it out. I am here."
"Rose, just tell him what you told me. I will help you when you get stuck."
"Thank you so much for your advice."- believe me or not but talking to the counselor really helped. Shawn and I have decided to go back to him, once a month. It would be better if we went every week but unfortunately, our schedules wouldn't allow it. But all by all, I am really glad that we went. I told Shawn everything and I mean everything, that was on my mind and he did the same.
I shake the guys hand. "That is what I am here for, Rose."
Yea, I know. I would do the same for 450 dollar a hour. I swear, if Youtube ever stops and I will be left without a job, I would go into the counseling. I swear, you literally get rich by listening to other people's petty problems. That is the life. I am telling ya.
"I will see the both of you over 4 weeks. Please stick to the exercises I told you to do. It will really help."
"We will definitely do. Thanks for your time." Shawn shake the guy's hands as well and together, we walk out of the office.
We step into the lift, hand in hand. Luckily, the elevator is empty. "Thank you for clearing your schedule to come with me."
"I told you baby. You will always be my first priority." By my hand, he pulls me closer and wrap both arms around my middle.
I stand on my tippy toes to press a light kiss against his soft ones. "Do you have to get back to work now?."
"No. I texted Andrew to clear my schedule for the entire day, when you send me to the hallway." He says with a teasing smirk.
"But, you had that meeting about your album today, didn't you?." Is he crazy? Why would he cancel something so important?
"I did but it is postponed to tomorrow. Today it's time for us. No interruptions. No phones. Just us."
"Baby..."- he shouldn't have cancelled something so important. It's about his album.
"I know what you are going to say but I am telling you not to worry about it. The only thing I want you to think about is where to our next escape is going to be."
"Escape? Babe, we don't have time to go somewhere. You have your obligations and your performances and I have to present the AMA's in less than 2 weeks."
"I know but as soon that is done, we are going away. It doesn't if it's for a couple of days. We need some quality time."
"You are crazy."
"Crazy for you. So, tell me where do you want to go?."
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Hi babes,
First of all, how was your Christmas? I hope everyone had the chance to spend it with the people they love the most!
All the love, M.
Ps. Tell me your thoughts on couple counseling? You think it will fix anything?