74: new beginnings
RYU
I ignored Cooler as he entered my room and just keep on whatever I was busy on my computer.
“Not going out today... again?” he asked as he threw himself on the bed.
“Pass.”
I heard him groaned in disapproval. “I know you’re antisocial at some point pero kapag niyaya kita hindi ka tatanggi.”
Wide my eyes still focused on the screen, I replied, “And what? Make trouble again? How about no?”
“That’s because you have a little amount of patience. Sino ba kasing nasagi lamang ay nagbabanta na agad na susunugin ang buong lugar?” dagdag niya sabay ngiwi sa akin.
I recalled that event a week ago. Niyaya niya akong lumabas para aliwin ang sarili ko. Turns out I just drowned myself in alcohol at nang aksidenteng nabangga ako ng isa waiter ay nagwala na ako at nagbantang susunugin ang buong lugar.
And to answer his question, I knew someone who would definitely burn down the place at hindi lamang pagbabanta ang gagawin kung sakali.
Damn, I miss her so fucking bad.
“But Ryu, alam kong hindi madali ang pinagdadaanan mo pero seryoso, paano mo nagawang magpakalunod na lamang sa trabaho at hahayaan ang sarili mong amagin dito sa kwarto mo?” Cooler asked, pouting.
“Hindi ako inaamag,” seryosong sagot ko sa kanya.
He frowned at me and rolled on the bed. “You’re even taking things so seriously, uh what am I gonna do with you? Balak mo bang sumunod kay Cronus at maging matandang binata na lang?”
“Maybe I’ll go next time,” sabi ko sa kanya, in a tone which means dismissing him.
“It’s been two years okay, can you just forget about it kahit sandali?” mahinang sabi niya.
Napatigil ako sa ginagawa ngunit hindi ko siya nilingon. Two years had passed.
It’s been a two years since my baby died.
Two years since my wife ran away to god knows where.
Two years since a part of me lost it all.
Fucking two years and it still hurts like hell.
Kung saan man pumunta ang asawa ko, I can only wish for her safety. No matter how much I try to find her, hindi ko magawa. Not even the best reapers or private investigators knew where she went. Kahit ang pamilya niya ay hindi alam kung saan siya nagpunta. She disappeared without a trace and she took my heart with her.
And jut like how it seems, I cannot live without her.
How could she just leave me like that?
Time flies so fast but still the pain of being left alone still stayed on me like a tattoo. The pain has become bitterness, somewhat anger and all emotions combined. To think hindi lamang siya ang nawalan ng anak. Just like her, I have been waiting for the moment to see my child.
I realized Pi has been selfish. Sa halip na damayan namin ang isa’t-isa ay hindi niya kami binigyan ng pagkakataong pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay. We could have comforted each other and move on with our life. Escape and disappearance has never been a solution to this problem.
But that’s what she did.
My heart was shattered upon the loss of my child but the shattered pieces has been crushed and pulverized the moment she left me. She’s a coward for leaving instead of facing this matter.
And I hate her for that.
I hate how she promised me for better or for worst yet just few months in married life and something worst happened, she left me already.
I hate how she said till death do us part yet she was the one who caused me my death.
I hate how she claimed she loves me along with her nasty and horny thoughts but then disappeared without a trace.
Ganoon ba ang pagmamahal? Why the fuck I am scammed by this thing called love?
I should have been the same Ryu before I met her. I shouldn’t have let her invade my world and left it in chaos. So it was my fault for letting her in.
“Pumapayat ka na,” komento ulit ni Cooler. “Your hair’s a little longer than they always seem. If only you had beard and mustache grown, nagmukha ka ng ermitanyo.”
Inalis ko ang suot na eyeglasses at sumandal sa swivel chair. Hindi na ako nakapagpagupit ng buhok but I always take care of my facial hair. I hate having beards so I always shave.
Really? Or is it because there was a time Pi said she likes clean-shaved men?
And why am I thinking of her?
She left.
She decided to leave.
Tama si Cooler. I should be going out and enjoy myself. Bakit ko ba sinusubsob sa trabaho ang sarili ko? I deserve a drink for keeping up my shit for the past two years.
“You know what? I think you’re right,” sabi ko.
“Na inaamag ka na?” he asked while grinning.
“We should be going out and enjoy the night. Booze, girls, gear,” sagot ko sa kanya, ignoring how he was pulling flowers inside my pillowcase, probably one of the tricks he learned recently.
He let out a bird before frowning at me. “Hey, I only said about going out, I didn’t say anything about booze, girls and gear.”
Tumayo ako at binuksan ang closet upang maghanap ng susuotin. “Whatever. Bakit hindi mo na lamang ako dalhin sa mga karera mo? I bet there were a lot of drinks and girls around, right?”
His frown means I was right. I was never interested in car racing gaya ng hilig nilng dalawa ng kapatid kong si Zywon but I always wonder what makes it fun kaya’t gustong-gusto nila.
“Really dude? Ilang beses na kita niyaya dati pero kahit isang beses ay hindi ka pumayag. And now? May sakit ka ba?” tanong niya at tumayo upang lumapit sa akin. Sinalat niya ang noo ko at tiningnan ako na may pagtataka sa mukha. I swatted his hands away and took off my shirt upang magpalit.
“Cooler, sometimes change is good,” tanging sabi ko sa kanya.
He sighed as he threw himself back to the bed. “Alright, dadalhin kita doon. I had a new place the boys told me about. Ayaw ko sanang pumunta dahil hindi ko alam ang lugar but since you’re coming with me, why not. But... just booze and gear for you, no girls okay?”
I smirked at him. “We’ll see.”
****
Cooler’s car made a screeching noise as he pulled on the side, occupying a space that was surely reserved for him. Nang lumabas siya ng sasakyan ay sinalubong siya ng karamihan, some were girls in their slutty clothes with drinks on their hands.
Why the hell my brother Zywon likes these things? I mean, does he let any of these filthy sluts touch him?
I ignored the thought and pulled my car near Cooler’s. I got curious look when I pulled to stop at lumabas ng sasakyan. Sinalubong naman ako ni Cooler na may malaking ngisi.
“Everyone, my cousin decide to watch tonight’s race,” sabi niya sa bawat naroon. Some faces were familiar at ilan sa kanila ay mga kakilala ko, just few rich man’s son ho blew their parents money in illegal race and other stuff.
One of the guys gave me a drink that I gladly accept. Hindi naging mahirap sa akin na makipaghalubilo sa ilang mga naroon dahil may mga kakilala naman ako. The girls around were a little clingy and I just let them.
“I’ve never been to this place,” sabi ni Cooler. “Medyo malayo at matarik ang mga daan. Is the race really happening here?”
“Yup,” one of the guys replied. He introduced himself to me as Philip. “I had a friend who lives nearby at siya ang nag-imbita sa akin dito. He said racers here are quite good but they refused to join one in the city at nagkasya na sa mga race dito sa suburban areas. Since we cannot bring them to the city, we decided na sila na lamang ang puntahan dito.”
He heard a loud revving of engines from a distance at may tatlong sasakyan na ang nakapwesto mula sa di kalayuan.
“Speaking of, the race is about to start. I heard there was a new racer who’s been stealing the spotlight here lately,” dagdag ni Phillip.
Cooler took a sip from his drink at tumingin na rin sa hilera ng mga sasakyan na handa na sa pagsisimula ng karera. “Why? Because he always win?”
Philip nodded. “Yup but aside from that, it’s because it’s a woman. A pretty woman.”
I snorted and took my drink. Pati pala babae ay nahuhumaling din sa karera. I never quite understand Cooler’s passion in racing or basketball before but then I realize maybe people just have different passions. Like how I like computers and Cooler doesn’t.
The race started and just like everyone expected, the red car won. People gathered n front of the car to congratulate the winner, which was the woman we were talking about a while ago. Nang sinalubong siya ng mga naroon ay naiwan kami ni Cooler na nakaupo sa hood ng kanyang sasakyan.
“Well that was great,” sabi niya habang nakatingin sa kumpol ng mga tao na lumapit sa nanalo.
“Do you wish to congratulate the winner too?” tanong ko sa kanya. “You can go, I’ll be fine here.”
He shrugged with a smile. “Maybe later, I can have her all by myself.”
I snorted, I knew what he means.
“Don’t forget to grab a pack of condoms, who knows you will catch STD,” paalala ko sa kanya na naging dahilan upang matawa siya.
“I’ll just congratulate her later, no more no less,” sagot niya sa akin. “Kanina ka pa umiinom, in case you forgot malayo pa ang uuwian natin. Tita Sweet will surely kill me if she knows I let you drive drunk!”
“I can still manage,” sagot ko sa kanya.
“You sure about that?” paninigurado ni Cooler. He looked at me for sometime bago tumango sa sarili. “Fine, fine. I’ll say hi to the winner pagkatapos ay umuwi na tayo.” He strode to the side to join the others who horde of people who gathered around the red car.
I shrugged as I chugged on my drink and stepped towards the low cliff na medyo malayo sa mga tao. I kept my phone safety on my pocket para kung tumawag si Cooler ay mabilis ko iyong masagot.
***
Pi
It’s been two years and I miss baby rocket so much. Two years since I hated myself for killing my own unborn. Wala akong mukhang maihaharap sa lahat dahil kahit saang anggulo mang tingnan ay kasalanan ko iyon. I had no one to blame but myself. And thus I have to take the consequences.
I chose to be a coward instead of facing it. Ayaw kong maulit pa ang ganoong pangyayari. I know well enough that I make dumb decisions in life and there’s more possibilities of repeating it over and over again. Ayaw ko ng makaapekto pa sa ibang tao dahil lamang sa katangahan ko.
I chose to escape and let go of my happiness. Everyone make dumb decisions, I suppose but I have to deal with this matter and restrain myself from making one again.
I felt how painful it is to lose a mother but I never thought losing a child also hurts like hell. I breathe in heavily before pulling the car to the side to meet the crowd. I was a little tired today dahil matapos ang shift ko sa isang all-day restobar ay dumiretso pa ako sa Happy Home, a foundation which aims to help the crippled children where I volunteered as a civic worker.
I yanked my cap closer to my head bago bumaba ng sasakyan.
“As expected Rikko!” magiliw na bati sa akin ni Dennis, a race enthusiast I met on the restobar. Sa katunayan ay siya ang nagpakilala sa akin sa karera. I am never fond of street racing but I am a fan of daredevil driving. My passion was never into racing but I do it as past time.
And he knew me by the name Rikko, the name I picked when I decided to became a new person two years ago. I moved at the outskirts of town and worked for a living. It has hard at malayo sa buhay na nakasanayan ko but I realized we have to do things on our own to learn standing on our feet.
He fistbumped with me at tinapik ang balikat ko. Panay ngiti naman ako sa mga naroon at binabati ako. They were cheering as someone collected the money from everyone who bet on the race.
“May ipapakilala pala ako sa’yo,” Dennis said, pulling me from the crowd na ngayon ay abala sa paghahatian ng pera. “My friend Phillip invited his friends na mula sa siyudad. Who knows they might invite us sa--”
Bigla akong napaatras sa takot. The fear of people coming from the city just brings sad thoughts and fear into me. Matagal ko ng inisip na pagkahilig sa karera na pinasok ko ay maaring muling magdugtong sa amin...
He might not into racing but he knew someone who does.
And it could be the light that could ignite it all.
A part of me is convinced na marahil kaya ko ito pinasok ay dahil umaasa pa rin ako na maaring magkita kami. That it isn’t impossible for his cousin to find me, and that he will find me too.
“Okay ka lang?” nag-aalalang tanong ni Dennis.
Mabilsi na tumango ako. “Y-yes. Sorry, ano nga pala ‘yong sabi mo?”
“Ah, si Phillip. He brought his friends with them. I won’t ask you kung pamilyar ka ba sa mga racer na mula sa syudad but hey, this guy is popular. Cooler Vander, does the name rings a bell?”
Nagpakawala ako ng singhap at napaatras. I felt my knees wobble and only if there weren’t any car behind me for support, malamang ay nabuwal na ako. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko at napaawang ang bibig na napatitig kay Dennis.
He said Cooler Vander, right? Did they find me?
Dennis waved his hand in front of me. “Rikko?”
Napaatras ako at pilit na kinalma ang sarili. Two years had passed but I haven’t prepared myself for this. Not yet. Marahil ay susmbatan nila ako. Bakit ako umalis, bakit ako lumayo, why did I decide to leave Ryu...
Ngunit maging ako sa sarili ko ay hindi lubos maisip kung paano ko iyon nagawa. Kung paano ko yon nakaya. But the fear of being a disappointment scared the hell out of me. The fear of doing things that might put Ryu in danger or in great pain scared me. He didn’t blame me for it ngunit alam kong kasalanan ko ang pagkawala ng anak namin.
I cannot bear to stay beside him knowing I’ve caused him the pain of losing the child.
And that I might cause him more pain if I stay.
Just hearing Cooler’s name made me feel so many emotions. For the past two years I know they’ve been looking for me. Kahit sina Daddy ay hinahanap ako pero hindi ko magawang magpakita sa kanila. I cannot show myself to them and remind me of how much of a disappointment I am as a mother, a daughter and a wife.
“E-excuse me Dennis, kailan ko lang magpahangin,” sabi ko sa kanya. I tossed him the key to his car. Yup, his car. I used his car, how could I afford a car at all?
There were quite a large amount on my account every month at alam kong galing iyon kay daddy.
Bad money, definitely bad money so I chose to use it the good way. Ginagamit ko ang pera sa Happy Home. None of it is used in any other way. Ang maliit na kita ko sa restobar ang siyang araw-araw na bumubuhay sa akin. My rent for my small apartment is from my savings I had noong tini-train pa kami ni daddy na mag-ipon.
I made my way out of the crowd. Gusto kong umalis agad sa takot na matunton nila ako. I walked my way towards the cliff part of the road kung saan walang tao at may kadiliman. Pilit kong kinalma ang sarili ko.
Muntik na akong mapasigaw nang may marinig akong papalapit na hakbang. I jumped my way down the ground to hide when I saw a shadow walked towards the nearest tree, pulled a zipper down and hummed as he peed.
Fucking hell, glad I didn’t hide behind the tree. I let out a sigh of relief habang nakadapa. It’s just one of the organizers who probably had so much to drink. I wiped my palms on my face as I watched him strode away, still humming a happy song. Nang makalayo-layo siya ay saka lamang ako nagtangkang tumayo ngunit natigilan din nang marinig ko ang boses mula sa likuran ko.
“Well you have a nice ass there,” said the familiar voice enough for me to feel the erratic throbbing on my chest.
Oh shit.
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