Yusuf's POV
If there was another way to play this all out, I swear I would have done it. The last thing I ever want in this life is to be the cause of someone's sadness and it seems in this case, I won't just be the cause of Zainab's sadness but of her heartbreak as well. But there was no other way, I just have to tell her and I have to tell her today.
I look up at the dark sky, adorned with bits of stars which can only be seen when one looks closely and intently since here in Lagos, the city lights dull out the twinkling stars in the sky. I sigh as I look back down and tap my feet on the pavement. Its been more than ten minutes yet Zainab is not out of the house. I just hope she won't make herself late for her own flight and make things more complicated than they already are.
I decide to wait in the car and spare myself from the chill of the cold dawn air. I'm driving Zainab to the airport so today, I didn't wait to pray Subhi at the mosque and instead, prayed my Subhi early so I won't delay Zainab but it seems despite that, she was the one who's delaying me. Its just very important that I get this time to talk to her so we can sort all this out before she goes back to Paris.
Zainab needs to know that I like her and will always respect her for the person she is but since the beginning, I've never loved her and now that I'm blessed to have Maryam in my life, I know I never will. So we just need to go back to the drawing board of that plan of her's to change some key facts and erase a lot of things. The main thing to be erased being the divorce in one year. I've barely known Maryam for three months but one thing is for sure, she is the woman I've been searching for for all of my thirty years and divorcing her after finding her is not even a thought that can be tolerated talk less of executed.
I thanked Allah when finally, I hear the passenger door being opened and I opened up the boot of the car for one of the security to place Zainab's luggage in. Immediately she entered, her overpowering perfume hits me and much to my dismay, the ambience of the car gets saturated by it in mere seconds.
Maryam had wanted to come with but Zainab had kindly told her to stay behind and I understood that Zainab too, was anticipating this time we'll get to spend alone during the drive albeit we both had totally different reasons. Maryam leaned into the car window and managed to give Zainab one last hug and a lot more of their playful bickers before she finally let us go.
"Thank you Yusuf," Zainab said once we've hit the road. "for doing this, you know you didn't have to but you still did because you care for me." From the corner of my eye, I saw a wide and almost giddy smile on Zainab's lips.
"I'm so stupid, Habibi, I was here thinking something else when you're still the same, you love me but you just have different ways of showing it." she laughs as if her joy knew no bounds whereas here I am, preparing to tell her the exact opposite.
True, I felt horrible but more true, I would feel more horrible if I let Zainab leave with this same mindset. It would hurt her more if she comes back after a year with so much hope only for me to shatter it. Whatever is to be said and done, needs to be said now at this very moment.
As we reached the highway and the road became more free and more easier to drive, I readied myself and took a deep breath with my grip on the steering wheel tightening.
"Zainab, there's something I need to talk to you about." I turned to her for a second before bringing my eyes back to the road. "I don't know how to say this but I just want you to know that–"
"That I've put you in a very tight spot." Zainab interrupts me. "I know that spending a year like this will be hard Habibi, and you're only sacrificing this much for me because you love me. I know what I've asked both you and Maryam to do is... it's almost impossible but you both did it because you..." Zainab sniffed and when I turned to look at her, I saw that she was crying. "Because you guys are the only people on this earth that truly love me. I... I feel that you guys are all I've got, you and Maryam are the only two people that I can count on on everything. You two are the only family I've got..." Now, she was sobbing and I contemplated pulling over to console her but that was impossible since we were on a highway.
"Habibi I've never told you this but my mom... my mom, I don't know whether she loves me or not. Sometimes I'm even completely sure that she hates me. When I was about to leave, she didn't even come to bid me goodbye, the last thing she said to me was a threat; she told me not to come back to her house if I failed her once again, if I don't graduate this year." Zainab broke out crying fully and my heart was moved and consequently, my resolve weakened.
"So d-do you understand n-ow why I said that you and-and Maryam are the only ones that love me?" Zainab cimontinued inbetween sobs, "Maryam is the person I know I'll always have her sh-shoulder to cry on. I know that the w-world might turn on me but she'll never betray me that's why I entrusted y-you to her. I know that if not for her, I w-would have lost you and losing you... If I lose you Yusuf, I lose-lose my life." the determination in her tone was unshakable and now, I was worried.
I sighed, running a hand over my face and feeling at a dead end. I shook my head just to try to see if I could once again find it in me to just tell her everything up straight but I couldn't. Her face was contorted in grief and sadness and I couldn't let myself add to it. I do feel under a lot of pressure since I don't feel the same way for her, I don't but I don't know how to tell her any of that.
I knew Zainab never liked talking about her relationship with her mother and I knew that they weren't that close but I never knew that it was this bad. I never knew that that she was in this much distress because of her mother and now, I would have to be totally heartless if I could still bring myself to tell her all I've planned to tell her.
"Habibi," Zainab said after she had calmed down, "I know no matter how much I say it, it won't be enough but I just want to thank you for all this you've done for my sake. I want you to know that I'll always be grateful and I know I'm not worthy of having someone to love me as much as you do but Habibi, I'll spend every day of my life striving to be good enough for you, I promise you so please, please wait for me."
I looked towards her for a moment and saw the sincere, pleading expression on her face. All I could do to reply was smile and then I canceled all plans of telling her anything right now. It would totally devastate her and just going ahead to do it would be selfish.
The rest of the drive thankfully was spent in silence and in the next thirty minutes, we arrived at the airport. It was indeed uncomfortable but I let Zainab hug me for as long as she wanted before she finally pulled away and I watched as she strolled towards the departure unit.
She kept looking back towards me multiple times and flashing me a smile while wiping the tears that kept rolling down her cheeks. I felt sorry for Zainab, I felt that she didn't deserve for me to break such an immense trust she has placed on me but I was hopeless, my heart wasn't in my control and it had went ahead and done just that.
It loved Maryam instead of her and no matter what I do, there's no way I can reverse the situation. When I was out of the airport and before I got back into the car, I looked up at the sky and saw that now, it was tainted a light shade of blue, it had brightened in anticipation of sunrise. I opened the car door and when I entered, that same scent of Zainab was lingering in the ambiance as well as on my clothes.
I drove faster than I usually do and I found myself sighing and running my hands over my face all through my ride home. I felt guilt crushing down on me but a part of me was still selfish, telling me to go ahead and follow my heart, telling me to go ahead and try to convince Maryam to see that we can make this work. That me and her were brought together under unlikely circumstances but to me those circumstances have led to a deep love for her. A love I'm not willing to sacrifice for anything and I want her to feel for me even if it was half of what I feel for her.
The situation was now more dire than I had thought it would be and had just gotten out of hand. I couldn't disobey my heart yet going against Zainab's trust was going to be hard and something that would leave me with a guilty conscience. I wish I had gotten to tell her everything, the truth would have made everything easier. I would have still hurt her but atleast, I wouldn't have betrayed her. I wouldn't have the guilt of cheating on her weighing me down. Now, I'm thrown in a dilemma that I didn't know how to get over.
***
It's been five days since Zainab visited and left for Paris and today, its that day I've been looking forward to since last week. It was Friday night, the night we were supposed to leave for Kajuru Castle and spend the weekend there then also, as per Maryam's wish, visit Abuja too.
I was incredibly thankful to Hamza and his wife and also their little adorable Nai'a. It was because of them that I would get to have this time with Maryam. When Mrs. Benisheikh came up with the idea, I was almost a hundred percent sure that Maryam wouldn't be onboard but I was pleasantly surprised when she gave her consent.
We packed light since we were only going to spend the weekend and with my bag in hand, I offered to carry Maryam's too but she refused which I wasn't surprised by. When we were at the airport however, I felt the need to insist since here Hamza was, carrying his wife's bags and my own wife wasn't going to let me do even that for her.
"Its okay Maryam, give it to me please?" I whispered so Mrs Benisheikh, who was standing next to Maryam, wouldn't hear me but when she answered, I figured I was wrong.
"Ango ango," Farida Benisheikh chuckled and I know a tease was coming my way. "Ango ba ka laifi, I know people usually say that to the bride but Malam Yusuf, I'm on your side, and this time, Amarya tayi laifi babba, haba Maryam let your ango carry his amaryas bags mana."
Hamza joined along with his wife and they kept chuckling before Maryam finally conceded and gave me her pink Hello Kitty traveling bag. It might seem trivial, but to me, that was indeed a major success and I felt incredibly closer to Maryam, I felt more husbandly.
"Thank you." Maryam smiled and I could tell she was uncomfortable with the Benisheikhs teases.
Hamza and Farida thought that we were a normal couple, they could have never imagined the circumstances nor conditions under which we got married. Ours wasn't casual and conventional like theirs, ours was almost unheard of; a contract marriage. But it wasn't our place to correct them and tell them all of that since we have to live under the guise of an average and happy couple until the year runs out.
I would have readily accepted if this charade turned out to be true, I would have been overjoyed if we were indeed just like a normal couple but I couldn't say the same for Maryam. I pushed all that to the back of my head and I tried not to wish me and Maryam were like Hamza and his wife whenever I saw the loving exchange between the couple.
When we arrived at the resort, Hamza Benishekh and his wife and daughter went to their room and we went to ours. Hamza was the one who booked our stays so when I opened up the door of the room and saw a single king sized bed, I wasn't surprised; he had thought we were a normal couple after all.
Maryam gaped at the scene before her but she said nothing. I know she was thinking the same thing I was so I went ahead to rid her of her worries.
"There's a couch, I'll sleep over there."
"No, you don't have to really. I'll sleep on the couch, it's too short for you. You can sleep on the bed." Maryam suggests but no way am I going to agree to that.
"Yes, OK, the couch is too short for me so I'll just sleep on the carpet." I point towards the red lush looking carpet and now, come to think of it, everything in this room is red. From the curtains to the bedspreads, to the pictures on the wall and they were even rose petals on the bed. Then I realize, Hamza must've booked us the honeymoon suite.
Now this was going to be awkward.
"No, no Yusuf, really. I can manage on the couch, so you can just sleep on the bed, sleeping on the ground might give you backpain." Maryam continues to insist with a hint of genuine worry in her voice that leaves me flattered; she cares for me.
"I can't allow you to sleep on the couch while I sleep on the bed Maryam. I doubt I'll even be able to fall asleep if I do that."
Maryam sits on the coach and pours herself a glass of water from the jug on the table. She gulps it all down before turning back to me where I stood by the bed.
"We could spend our entire stay here arguing about this," she chuckles and just then I see the most beautiful woman in the world. "But Yusuf, I don't want to tell people I came to Kajuru castle but ended up arguing over who gets to sleep on the couch the whole time so can we go out and do something? Farida just texted me and told me that they're tired so they're going to sleep right away but to tell you the truth, I'm too excited to sleep. So can we, can we please? We can continue arguing when we've done a few fun things worth mentioning."
Maryam's whole countenance had lit up with so much energy as she said all that and I caught myself looking at her in a completely fascinated manner. Her big brown eyes, her chocolate skin, her plump lips... but wait, I wasn't supposed to think of all that so I stopped myself though it was incredibly hard not to. But what was more incredibly hard was to say no to her request.
It was past 10 pm but how could I feel sleepy when I have the offer of spending time with her? And so, I nodded my head and an excited Maryam jumped up with joy when she rose to her feet.
"Let me go freshen up then!" Maryam announced and she grabbed some things I averted my eyes from seeing before she ran to the bathroom.
She came out dressed in different clothes and I realize I should have gone out of the room and given her a place to change instead of making her take the trouble of changing in the bathroom. She was now dressed in a plain white that matched with the beauty of her soul perfectly; completely pure and untainted. The veil she had tied her hijab in was white, the long dress she had on was white and even the shoes she had on her feet were white.
I was oggling, I know so before she noticed and the air grows more awkward, I excuse myself and went to freshen up in the bathroom too. I had followed her suit and taken my clothes to the bathroom but when I came out to an empty room, I figured Maryam was more thoughtful than me since she had actually left the room for me to change.
And I was supposed to be the gentleman here.
I slid on my glasses and grabbed my phone and wallet before heading out. I was glad that Maryam stayed close and I didn't have trouble finding her. She was standing in the hallway and bended over to her knees, talking to a little boy.
I walked over and I found that the boy was crying. He was no more than four years old and it was clear that he was lost.
"Stop crying, darling." Maryam pulled the boy to her and hugged him.
I crouched down to the floor so I could see him and I placed my hands on his back, turning him towards me.
"Hey," I said as I wiped his tears. "you look like a brave soldier you know that? And one thing about brave soldiers? They don't cry." And the boy immediately changed his expression, his sobs starting to calm down.
"Now that's my boy!" I shake his hand and then lift him up and hold him in my arms. "So what's our brave soldier's name?" I asked as I walk ahead and Maryam follows.
"Ahmad." he replies with a proud smile.
"Oh Sergeant Ahmad!" I stand at attention and salute him making his laugh even more. "Now what's the name of Sergeant Ahmad's daddy?"
"Ibrahim!" Ahmad screamed.
"Sergeant Ahmad Ibrahim!" I salute him once again and by now, we were at the receptionist. "And what's the name of sergeant Ahmad's mommy?"
"Hussaina!" Ahmad answers just as loudly again.
"That's very good, Sergeant Ahmad knows both his Mommy and daddy's names? Wow that's very good, Sir!" I give him my final and he laughs before I hand him over to Maryam.
I turned to the receptionist who had gotten on her feet when we arrived. "Good evening," I smiled at her and she returned the greeting. "Actually, it seems this child is lost. Please check your system for a couple named Ibrahim and Hussaina, I'm not very sure of their last names."
The lady checked and luckily for us, only one result was listed for an Ibrahim and Hussaina and it showed that their last name was Mua'zu. It surely must be them. They must be now incredibly worried and busy looking for their son.
"Announcement for a missing child." The receptionist said into the speaker and her voice was amplified to be heard through out the resort. "Mrs Hussaina and Mr Ibrahim Mu'azu please report to lobby number three to collect your child."
I turned back to Maryam to see that she was seated on one of the chairs with Ahmad on her laps. They both seemed completely engrossed in their conversation and I walked over to see what was so interesting.
"No, no, no." Maryam shook her head at the child and her eyes widened, probably in shock, "How can you say that you like Tinkyy Winky more than Dipsy? Everyone knows that Tinky Winky is better. I mean he's even purple and he has a purse." Maryam continues and I can't stop myself from laughing, so this was what had gotten her so surprised? An argument about Teletubbies with a four year old?
"No but Dipsy is green!" Ahmad retorts. "And green is the best color in the world! Green is grass! And green is everything pretty! Dipsy wins since he's green!" The little boy declares proudly.
"How can you say that?" Maryam gasps with her hand over her chest. "Tinky Winky is purple, the prettiest color so he wins! Tinky winky wins!"
"No, Dipsy wins! Green Dipsy!" Ahmad wasn't giving up and he pouts, folding his hands in front of him.
"Purple Tinky winky wins!" Maryam retorts with the same expression and I laugh again.
I understand what she's doing, she's distracting Ahmad before his parents come and she was doing it incredibly well. The little boy had forgotten all about it and was totally immersed in proving why his beloved green Dipsy wins over Maryam's purple Tinky Winky. As I continued to watch them, I continue to notice how simply perfect Maryam is and in my heart, I'm praising my Lord for making such a creature and thanking Him for making me meet her.
It is true what they said that you plan, I plan, and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners. When Zainab had suggested this, I had thought that this was the most outrageous plan I've ever heard of and I was doubtful of agreeing but now, here I am glad and grateful that I did. Allah has planned that my heart would end up loving somebody this deeply and that person is the woman clad in white and seated before me. I love Maryam so much and I won't let her go, I'll try my best to make her see this side of this whole ordeal that I'm seeing.
Allah has brought us together for a reason and that reason isn't for us to part. I have a whole year to prove it and in sha Allah, I will.
I have stopped myself from thinking about where that leaves Zainab since I know, I just can't help it. There was no way that I would give up Maryam for Zainab and even if by the end of the year, Maryam doesn't feel the same way for me, I'll respect her decision and let her go but I still won't marry Zainab. I just can't. They're absolutely no romantic feelings in my heart for Zainab and try as I might, I know I can never grow any.
I dispel those daunting thoughts from my mind and bring my full attention back to the ongoing purple and green feud. It was almost ten minutes after the announcement was made and just as the receptionist was about to make another, two people rush through the doors and on seeing Ahmad on Maryam's laps, the woman immediately rushed towards us and scoops him into her arms.
"My baby, Alhamdulillahi, Allah na gode maka, alhamdulillah." The woman that must be Hussaina, kept on reciting with tears in her eyes.
The man came from behind and he collected Ahmad in his arms too, reciting a prayer of thanks to Allah. Me and Maryam continued watching in silence until she turned to me and I was caught off guard when she pulled me by the arm, gesturing for us to leave which I followed her to but we were stopped when Ahmad's mother was freed from her emotions enough to acknowledge us.
"Please wait, we didn't even get to thank you. Thank you so much. Allah ya biya Ku duniya da lahira." Hussaina said to both of us.
"Ameen, it's nothing really, mu godema Allah." Maryam replied and she turned again, gesturing for us to leave and I noticed that her behavior has just gotten a little bit off. She sounded unmistakably lower and what was the hurry for?
"Ibrahim, you didn't thank them." As we were retreating, I heard Hussaina tell her husband.
As if that was a cue to commence a race, Maryam's pace grew faster until it was like she was speed walking and I grew more worried, why had she changed so suddenly?
"Maryam Rabah!" A voice calls from behind us and stops us. Undoubtedly, it was Ahmad's father. How did he know Maryam's name? "I didn't get to thank you last time, atleast let me thank you this time around."
Last time? I turned to Maryam in confusion and I find her expression to be somewhat sunken. I turned back to the man and set my gaze on him. Who was he?
Author's Note
Salamualaikum wa rahmatulluallahi wa barakatuh.
For the long silence, as always, I beg your pardon but to make up for it, the next chapter will be coming up very soon insha Allah so.please accept my apology. :)
And also my patient and amazing lovelies, please check out "Road to Jannah" by drasticallyliving if you need an escape from the wattpad usual. Promise, you won't regret it and hey there's the spontaneous updates to tempt you more!
And like I said, anticipate the next chapter very soon. Until then my lovelies, ma'assalam!
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