This is really happening, but definitely far from what I've ever imagined. Meeting Dean after several months is one of probabilities, but with his mom and three of us in car ride wasn't in the option.
I didn't have much thing to do except sit on the backseat which I almost lost the chance to occupy because his mom literally want me to sit on the front seat.
I gazed out to the window, avoiding look on the front because Dean's gaze could be seen from rear view mirror. He has no changed much at all from the appearance, except perhaps he got skinnier from his more noticeable jaw line. He still looks good as always and I need to stop looking at him by any means.
"Where do you live, Charlie?" Dean's mom broke the silence.
I glanced at rear view mirror which unfortunately Dean's eyes reflected, looking at me as well.
"I'm actually staying at hotel." I replied, knowing that I didn't have much choice left except telling the truth.
"Is that so? Where is it? Are you in business trip? Is this your first time going to Seoul?" Dean's mom bombarded me bunch of questions.
I really wanted to answer all those questions, but Dean's presence wasn't helping at all. I didn't want him knows my whereabouts and it wasn't like he would care anyway. If only his mom knows how much uneasy feeling that I bear with, mixed feeling between upset and curious about her son as well. I shouldn't have come shopping groceries in the first place, I should've joined the other at the club.
I'm starting to regret my own decision.
"Mom.." Dean warned, his voice sounded polite but firm at the same time. It could be has two meaning behind; 1. He noticed that I feel uncomfortable and 2. He didn't want me to tell his mom anything about myself.
Whatever it was I tried to not put my thoughts on it.
"Sorry, I'm just excited. Charlie is so nice to hang out with, she loves yogurt as much as I do, not like you who says yogurt taste like stale milk." I noticed how Dean's mom has bubbly personality in comparison with Dean who looks like he always mad and have something to grumble about.
"It does." he replied right away, I'm one hundred percent he rolled his eyes as he said that then added, "Mom, not everyone loves yogurt."
Right, he doesn't like yogurt. it doesn't suit his taste, he likes milk better. And why on earth I still remember it, seriously?!
"It's fermented, FYI." of course as expected, Lilia wouldn't lose easily. I like her!
"But--" he looked like he wanted to diss the yogurt furthermore, purposely to annoy his mom. But his mom quickly raise her finger, telling him to get lost.
"Ssssh, stop talking. I want to talk with Charlie." His mom was really something else, it must be fun to hang out with her as well. "What hotel do you stay at? Also, please answer all my questions before." she said half joking but I felt like I need to obey her anyway.
"Lotte Hotel, I'm staying at Lotte Hotel."
"Ah, it's close to our house! We can meet each other often." She exclaimed eagerly and I didn't know what to do. This ride was super awkward and burdensome for me, but for my own sake I wouldn't let myself break down at least not in front of them.
"And I'm here for doodle competition." I added, it has been only 5 minutes ride started but it seemed longer than that.
"That famous competition? They literally out and advertise it everywhere, you join the competition?" She was in awe, "You can draw, so talented!"
I didn't know his mom actually heard and known about the competition, she wasn't like my mom who didn't know what doodle was and I prepared myself to explain if she didn't know.
"My friend, I'm a member of the club but I'm not participating in the competition." I trailed off, just how long I will included in this Q and A session?
"So your boyfriend join the competition? That's why you came along to support him?"
And the car stopped due sudden brake, I thought we almost had car crash.
"What? What's going on, Dean?" His mom panicked as she turned her head to Dean.
"Sorry, that person was suddenly passing in front of us. It's green light, though. Why did he so careless like that?" Dean's voice sounded hoarse, it must be shocking him too.
"Are you okay? Drive slowly and safely, baby." She patted Dean's arm and Dean only nodded as answer.
"Are you okay Charlie?" She turned her head to check on me.
"Yeah, I'm good." I nodded, just little bit shocked.
"Sorry." Dean softly said, "don't be scared, I'll drive safely."
I know he'll drive us safely, he just didn't have to say it in super gentle way.
"I really want to drop you at hotel, Charlie.. but I'm tired, can we drop me first at home then Dean will give you ride to the hotel?" Lilia's question was more shocking than sudden brake, if she wanted go home first then it means only Dean and me will trapped in awkward car ride longer than I expected.
"Can you do that?" She was looking at Dean, waiting for answer.
"If you want it, sure. I can drive you back home first, though the hotel that Charlie's stay is few minutes away." Dean's calmly explained, he didn't exactly say that he agreed to but he didn't argue openly as well.
"You can drop me anywhere near, I'll just take an uber or walking." I suggested, not wanting put Dean in uneasy feeling as much as I could. I think it's better for all of us if we ended it here and called it night.
"You can't do that, Charlie." She sounded stern and offended, in fact I didn't want to harm anyone tonight. I myself, wanted to just go back at hotel and pretend this encounter with Dean's family has never happened.
"So- sorry, I just didn't want to be burden for you."
"No, of course not. Let's just take my mom home first and I'll drive you back to the hotel." Dean replied on his mom's behalf.
"That sounds great." His mom back in a good mood and none of us talking until we reached Dean's home.
-----
"Bye Charlie, see you soon! I'll call you later!" Lilia waved at me enthusiastically.
In the end she asked for my number and made me promise to meet her again next time for lunch or dinner. Despite the fact the she was a mother from someone whom I want to distance myself from, but when I think of it again, if I could separate my feeling then I could have relation with Lilia purely based on friendship.
Hate her son, not his mom. I came with my own comfort words for myself.
Now I'll just endured few more minutes until I arrive at the hotel, it's not easy but I will make it.
"I'm sorry about my mom." Dean's mumbled loud enough for me to hear.
I glanced at his left hand which busy switching gears and quickly looked away.
"She's great and nice to me, so no need to be sorry." I was aware that my tone is changing into cold and robotic towards him but I was too upset to care.
What did he expect me to? After all this time he put me through into the dark, confused and doubting myself. Wondering what did I do wrong so he cut all the ties with me as of I've never exist in his life.
I didn't want to be bitter but the pain was too much for me to handle, so it's better this way. Showing him how much I hate him so he will take the sign and leave me alone like what he has been doing since months ago.
"I think she likes you, I can tell." He added.
What's the use if your mom likes me when you're not?
Can't he see that I didn't want to talk at all?
The last thing I wanted was he being nice to me.
I don't need it.
I'll just keep silence or I will regret what I said to him.
"How long you'll stay?" He asked again.
Can he just drive and let me have peace with myself??
I'm so done with his courtesy.
"I can take an uber from here." I finally burst out, clearly done with whatever he tried to do and I can't stand it anymore..
"No, please don't.." he seemed surprise about my outburst but didn't get affected by my confrontation, Dean still managed to drive us smoothly.
"I know it makes you uncomfortable.." He began, nervously glancing at me. I wish I would stop observing his movements through the tail of my eye, "I'm sorry, really.. I was thinking it's better to talk to you first then telling my mom--"
"You don't need to tell her anything, I won't either. Let's just keep pretending we don't know each other, it's better this way." I cut him off, I swear I need to get off from this car and run as far as possible from him. Forget everything has happened in this evening.
"I can't, we need to talk." this time our eyes met, his gaze was so intense and his voice became huskier. I can't bear with it.
Keeping my anger in bay was difficult enough, so I don't need him add more cause or I will explode then regretting to let him know how vulnerable I am. It was like tangled thread, cannot be deciphered. The feeling that hard to describe.
"There's nothing to talk about." my voice came out shaky without me knowing, if I stayed little bit longer then I can't hold back my tears.
It was just 5 minutes drive until my hotel, I can managed myself to walk alone. Dean seemingly notice my body language so he pulled over, trying to calm me but I used it as my chance to get away from him.
"Charlie..." he pleaded as the car stopped and I was busy taking of my seat belt.
"Thank you for the ride, good night Dean." once I success to unbuckle my self, without more thoughts I get off from his car, slamming the door to shut, just to tell him how much I resent him.
How could I've been attached to him? To his cold heart?
There's so many thing I've been keeping for myself, thinking one day I might have chance to tell him.
But right when he's in front of my eyes, nothing come out from my mouth.
Unable to say anything.
There's the time I've missed him like crazy, wondering what would he say to comfort me on my bad day.
By seeing how this night ended, I'm kind of relieved I didn't do anything to win him back.
He doesn't need to know how many times I scribbled his name in my journal.
He doesn't need to know at all.