Phil didn't know what sadness truly was until he was walking through London Heathrow airport with his tail between his legs and his bag on his shoulders, dried tears on his cheeks.
It had been the saddest goodbye he'd ever had to give someone and frankly, he used to say that was definitely when he had left his parent's home to go to Uni in Manchester.
But he's hurting and he feels like he left a bit of his heart in Los Angeles with Dan. And as he steps foot into his flat, jet lag kicking his ass, he cries harder than he allowed himself to in LAX after leaving Dan behind.
He feels a bit ashamed about it. He feels like he shouldn't be crying over leaving Dan in Los Angeles because Dan found out the night before he'll be in London in a few weeks time for a movie premiere. But as Phil thinks about the way Dan cried at the airport as he said one last goodbye in the car outside, he cries that much harder.
He's supposed to go pick up Spike from PJ but he feels lousy and like he needs a day to recuperate. But he also knows that PJ is going to want to hear about Dan and LA and he's not quite sure if he wants to speak about that yet.
When the last of his tears stop and he texts Dan to tell him he made it back okay, he takes a cool shower to wash off the stench of airplane and then gets dressed and heads out to the nearest tube station to go to PJ's.
PJ answers the door when he gets there and Spike is immediately attacking Phil's legs, trying to get his attention. Phil didn't realize how much he missed his energetic pup until he was picking him up and cuddling him against his chest as he squirmed.
"How was he?" Phil asked, running his hand through Spike's fur.
"He was great!" PJ said, opening the door wider so Phil could walk inside of his flat. "Only destroyed one slipper but I got it from Poundland so no harm done."
Phil let out a snort and let his pup back down on the floor so he could continue to sniff and run around Phil's legs.
"Do you want any food or a drink?" PJ asks, moving quickly towards the kitchen. "No offense mate but you look a bit sickly."
Phil shook his head and followed PJ to the counter where he sat on one of the stools. PJ passed him a glass of water and Phil picked it up, taking a long sip of it, not realizing how dehydrated he felt. "I'm pretty jet lagged if I'm being honest." Phil answers finally. "These time zones are kicking my ass."
"How was Dan?" PJ asks, seemingly out of the blue. Phil doesn't know why it catches him off guard but it does.
"He's fine." Phil says. "I mean, he had a few things he had to go to that I went with him to but other than that, we mostly just stayed in."
"Any saucy details?"
Phil looks up from his glass of water and sees the way PJ is smirking at him. Phil feels his face flush as he thinks about the night before―was it the night before? Time zones are confusing...where he and Dan shared such intimate moments together. His stomach tingled at the thought of having sex with Dan and how glorious it had felt. And they had sex twice. The first time and then another time later that night before they went to sleep. Phil was honestly never forget the sight of Dan coming undone above him as he rode him so well.
"I'm not getting into them."
"No?" PJ picks. "Didn't go dancing in the sheets?"
Phil blushed and hid his face as he laughed nervously. "Peej!" He cried. "I'm not talking about my sex life."
"Oh!" PJ exclaimed, poking a finger into Phil's arm. "So there IS a sex life to be spoken about! How was it? Did you both...rock each others worlds?"
Phil groaned and put his hands back down as he cocked his eyebrow at PJ and shook his head. "I'm not saying."
"But you're blushing!"
"Maybe so."
PJ gave him an all knowing smile and then rested against the counter on his elbows. "I talked with Louise a bit and she was saying how she has some new projects for us to work on when you return back to work."
"Like what?"
PJ swatted his hand in the air. "I don't know...probably some bloody useless thing that Louise is too lazy to do herself."
Phil groaned again. He wasn't fully in the mood to go back to work and he wasn't fully in the mood to deal with anything Louise was going to throw his way. Especially when he's been struggling a bit with thinking about the BBC in context with his future ever since he had that conversation with Dan. In fact, it's been gnawing at him a bit.
"I really am not ready to go back."
"When is your first day?"
"Tomorrow." Phil answers. "Louise only gave me a week, including traveling. I didn't get a lot of time."
"That sucks mate." PJ says. "Suppose I shouldn't keep you then so you can go back to your flat and relax for the evening."
Phil nodded, standing up and pulling down his sweatshirt that had come as he sat. He bent down and picked up Spike in his arms before walking with PJ to grab Spike's things and put the backpack onto his back.
Phil took the tube back to his flat and as soon as he walked inside and let Spike go, he clambered over to his couch and laid down, shutting his eyes and falling nearly immediately to sleep.
***
Jet lag fucked Phil over.
It fucked Phil over because it was currently 3am and he was sitting wide awake with a mug of coffee in his hand as he scrolled through his social media on his laptop. He'd taken about a six hour snooze that afternoon and was paying the price now as he struggled to fall back asleep. He pretty much gave up a half an hour ago and resided to just staying up.
He'd tried texting Dan but he knew he wasn't going to answer because Dan was currently flying out to New York for the next few days to film one final scene for his movie before it goes into post-production.
So Dan was honestly probably on a plane somewhere else and he wouldn't get to talk to him until tomorrow.
Fuck, he missed Dan so damn much.
His eyes well up a bit again and he wills for himself to not cry. He's done enough of that. He'll be seeing Dan soon. He has to keep reminding himself of that. Dan will be back in London in just a few weeks and they'll be here, in Phil's flat. It'll be okay.
He sets down his mug of coffee on his night stand and lays back down in his bed, shutting his laptop screen. He closes his eyes and tries to get himself to maybe get a few more hours.
They don't ever come before his alarm goes off at seven but he still wished he could have.
He dresses and leaves his flat, giving Spike plenty of hugs and kisses and belly rubs on the way out to make up for not being around much. He manages to get himself onto the tube and then get to the BBC without anything major happening.
He gets let into the building and then on the way up to his office, he finds himself the be the product of stares and even a few glares. He shakes them off and tries to ignore them as he makes his way to his office.
Phil takes a seat and digs out his laptop and his little keychain that he bought for Darcy and sets them on his desk. When he looks back up, PJ is looking at him with an intense stare that doesn't quite compute with the same warm greeting he had gotten yesterday at PJ's flat.
To say he's confused is an understatement.
"Why is everyone staring at me today?" Phil finds himself grumbling. "I don't understand."
"Have you not seen literally all of the stories on social media?" PJ asks, his voice a bit higher in octave.
Phil shakes his head. He honestly hasn't posted much on social media, nor has he been on it. The last he posted was to say he was posting a new video this week.
"Mate, your pictures with Dan are literally slapped all over Twitter. Even the tabloids that are hitting the shelves have you as their cover photo."
"Excuse me?" Phil asks, feeling his stomach twist and knot within him.
He immediately pries open the top of his laptop and opens up Safari. He googles Dan's name and immediately is bombarded with 50+ search results for stories all about him and Dan's day out in LA...one of the tabloids even got a photo of them eating alone, in private.
"You look pretty cosy with Dan." PJ says.
"What about it?" Phil asks, feeling his voice rise a bit in tension.
"Nothing, really but are you and Dan dating?"
Phil felt his skin heat up and his face flush a bit in a mix of anger and also anxiety. "Yes." He says, his voice wavering a bit. "Dan's my boyfriend."
"Is this just recently or...?"
"PJ, you know this this. Dan and I just got together when I was in LA." Phil says, his voice laced with some disbelief. He didn't even know where this was coming from. "These pictures, PJ, were taken without Dan and I's permission. They were taken by some low-life paparazzi's who want to sell their photos of famous people to tabloids to make money."
Pj threw his hands up and sat back in his chair. "I don't want you to get angry." PJ began. "I just simply wanted to know―friend to friend."
Phil felt his blood cool down a bit as he relaxed back into his own seat and let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry, PJ. That wasn't fair to snap at you...it's just, now that I'm beginning to see what Dan goes through each day, it's hard to not get defensive when something like this happens."
"I know." PJ says. "I also didn't mean to suddenly get defensive either. I know it's not my place to know about you and Dan. I honestly just think I'm still a bit shocked at the entire thing if I'm being honest."
Phil let out an incredulous laugh. "It is all a bit mental when you think about it. Like who have thought last year at this time that looking forward, I'd be dating the world famous Daniel Howell."
"It's right crazy." PJ says. "But, as long as you're happy, I'll be happy."
"I'm happy, Peej." Phil adds. "Dan has to come to London in a few weeks for a premiere that he needs to attend. Maybe we can arrange a time for you to come over to my flat and properly meet him? I think you'll really get along well with him."
PJ smiles at him and nods. "I'm sure Sophie will be excited for that."
Phil forgot how much Sophie fangirled over Dan.
Just as he opens his mouth to speak something more about it, the door to Louise's office opens and Phil looks up just in time to see her poke her blonde hair outside of the frame. "Ligouri and Lester, come to my office so we can discuss your next projects!"
Phil gives a glance to PJ who gives one back and Phil stands up, picking up his laptop and the key chain before he follows PJ to Louise office and they shut the door behind them.
***
"New York is cool and all but it's cold and a bit damp and I really want to be back in the sun."
Phil chuckles as he reads Dan's text out loud to himself.
Phil: You'll never make it in London
Phil types back his message and then locks his phone and sets it beside him on the couch. Spike was at his feet, gnawing on a play bone that Phil had gotten him in consolation of leaving him for so long. Phil was supposed to be working on his new project that Louise had given him and PJ. But he honestly felt like he couldn't be bothered and he didn't know whether or not that a good thing at the moment.
He was busy working on editing his video when his mum called and asked about LA so he told her all about it. And then his brother called right after and he got sidetracked when Dan texted just now.
He had promised his subscribers that he would get out a new video this week with someone special and they already figured out it was Dan and now they're even more excited for the video. So the pressure on him right now was pretty great.
But he honestly forgets all of that when Dan texts him and it's like he placed back into an alternate reality.
Dan: guess well just have to live in LA then :(
Dan: you're also forgetting that i used to live in wokingham lol
Dan: i just like the sun of LA
Phil's heart picked up speed. Did Dan just reference them living together? He felt a bit foolish, getting his hopes up so high when they've barely been together. He already can feel that Dan is his person but that still doesn't help the anxieties that plague his mind.
Phil: Don't want to move to London and live with the queen?
Dan: Move to LA and you'll be with trump?
Dan: fuck nevermind lol ill move to London
Phil lets out a snort and rolls onto his side on the couch, Spike's head picking up a bit as he looked at Phil to see what he was doing. He did feel a bit restless. The jet lag was still sitting heavy behind his eyes. Maybe he'd take Spike to the park.
Phil looked down at his pup, who was now rolled onto his back. He bent forward and rubbed Spike's belly, causing Spike to jerk and look at him. "Want to go to park?"
Spike immediately rolled over and stood up, prancing. Phil chuckled and got up, pushing his phone in his pocket long enough to walk to the closet and grab Spike's lead.
He bent down and hooked it on him before grabbing the necessary items like a doggy bag and stuffing them into his pocket. He walked out the door with Spike practically dragging him and headed down the street to the park.
He continued to text Dan the entire way, only stopping when Spike nearly pulled him into a light pole. When they got to the park, Phil found an empty bench near an open area of grass, currently unoccupied and let Spike off from his lead to run around a bit. Spike never went far, and if he did, a simple call of his name always brought him back to Phil.
Phil watched his carefully and eyed the people around him. He didn't know why, but he had an uneasy feeling creeping under his skin. He couldn't quite place in his mind where it was coming from, but the instinct to look behind him overcame his thoughts and he turned his head, only to see no one even around him besides a young couple and their child, walking down the dirt path.
He let himself relax as he enjoyed the slight breeze in the air as Spike eventually ran his energy out and he was back at Phil's feet, huffing and puffing and whining for a treat. Phil reached in his pocket and pulled one out, sneaking it to Spike. "You're a good boy, but I need to stop giving you so many treats."
He ruffled Spike's fur a bit before re-hooking his lead and getting up from the bench. They walked towards the exit of the park and Phil was just deciding he might take Spike to the new pet-friendly cafe just a few blocks away when he heard it.
The click.
He thought he was imagining it at first, his anxiety getting the better of him. But then there was another...and another...and suddenly, he turned around and there was something with a camera, crouched down at the ground, taking photos of him.
Phil panicked. What does he do? Does he say something? This has to be just a paparazzi?
"Phil Lester!" The man called out, lowering his camera. "Do you mind telling me where Daniel Howell is?"
Phil quickly shook his head. "No. I―."
"Are you and Daniel Howell dating?"
Phil bent down, picked up Spike in his arms, and ran. He doesn't know how far he ran or where he even went, he just did. And he eventually landed way farther than he had intended with his flat on the complete other side of the park.
He let down Spike, but not before taking a few deep breaths into his fur to calm him down. He still doesn't know what that was. He doesn't even know what to do. He feels his chest tighten and he wills himself to stay clam.
It was just paparazzi. It was just paparazzi.
He finds himself reaching into his pocket and calling his mum as he takes Spike's lead in his hand and starts walking him in the correct direction.
"Child!" His mum said. "What's going on?"
"Mum, a paparazzi just took photos of me and Spike at the park and he started asking me questions and I didn't know what I could do so I ran and I don't even quite know where I am all that I know is..."
"Phil, honey, calm down. Please take a breath!" His mum soothed. "What was the paparazzi asking?"
"They were asking about me and Dan."
"And did you say anything?"
Phil shook his head. "No. I panicked and I just said no to their first question and ran off."
"I told you we should look into getting someone, Phil. Someone who can help you out."
"Mum," Phil finds himself saying. "I don't think getting someone like that is going to help. I'm not even sure what that was that just happened."
"It was a paparazzi trying to get into yours and Dan's business, sweetheart."
Phil felt his heart de-flat because he knew that. He wasn't stupid. But that doesn't mean it didn't bother him or it shouldn't bother him.
"But what do I do?"
His mum sighed on the other end. "Sweetie, I'm not sure I have the answer for that question." She said gently. "Why don't you talk with Dan about it?"
Phil sighed. "I don't know if Dan is who I should be talking to about this."
"Well, it's his lifestyle that you're getting mixed up in, Philip."
Phil bit his lip. He didn't want to get into this right now. He called for advice and a little bit of coddling and he wasn't ready to get a full conversation handed to him about "Dan's life".
"I don't want to get into this right now."
"I know, but I don't want you hurt, Phil. I really don't."
"I know, mum."
He finds himself already at the door of his flat and he sighs in relief as he fishes his keys out of his pocket and pushes himself inside.
He let's Spike in the flat first and let's the little pup fly through the flat towards his food and water dishes in the kitchen. He says a quick goodbye to his mum with a promise to call her later and then feels himself fall onto the couch.
Maybe watching some TV for a little bit will help him out?
He reaches for the remote to this TV, which he doesn't use that often, and turns it on, flipping through the channels. He's about ready to press the Netflix button on his remote when a finds himself on some entertainment news station that he's never paid any attention to before.
But his mouth drops open and he feels like he's going to vomit as he watches him and Dan walking together in The Grove on his very screen in front of him. It was when they were walking from the restaurant to the little place where they ate their food. And as if Phil couldn't feel sick enough, the headline on the bottom read:
"Daniel Howell SPOTTED with His New Beau in Los Angeles!"