happy update!
i hope you all are doing great! i've been so busy but i'm so happy for this three day weekend where i get to take a break from the hustle and bustle of life and just have some me time.
i'm making this my year of self-care. tell me what you do for self-care? i love a good face mask and binge watching my fav shows haha
also, i know people are wanting me to update faster but the truth is I update as fast as i can. it's not easy trying to create a good chapter for you while also getting done everything i have to get done in a day
people have requested i make an update schedule but if you know me you know i've never run my writing that way because i don't want to make you all a promise and then break it
i try really hard to update as fast as i can while still giving you a good quality chapter, and if you don't like that then sorry but that's how i've always updated and how i will. i refuse to throw together a chapter just to put something out if its not good
and every chapter i release has SOMETHING to do with the plot and the vision for the story, and trust me y'all, there are BIG surprises coming for Emma and Harry
so anyways, that's the tea and if you wanna come for me or whatever then go ahead, but for those who understand and have been here from the beginning, i love you and thank you!!
okay enough of that, enjoy the chapter ;)
—
Harry and I were finally able to go back to our home after a few days.
We hadn't really been alone since he had returned, and I was a bit anxious to see what it would be like when we got back to the place we shared.
As much as we wanted Mila to be with us in order to give her a sense of normalcy as well, Harry and I needed time for just ourselves, so Mila would come back to live with us at a later date.
Once we pulled up outside the building and exited the car, I had the key, so I let us in our townhome, Harry following me inside.
"Not much has changed." He said as he walked in.
"I haven't really been here much." I replied.
"What's this?" He asked and I looked to see him picking up the framed folded flag.
"The flag they gave me when they presumed you dead." I said and he bit his lip before setting it down.
Harry and I were pretty much silent for the next few hours as we unpacked.
He took a shower while I looked for something to make for dinner, but I hadn't bought groceries in weeks.
When he came downstairs we just had soup from a can that I heated up on the stove.
Even dinner was silent.
After dinner, Harry went to the living room, sitting down on the couch. As I washed the dishes at the sink I looked up to see him turn on the television, propping his feet up on the coffee table and stretching his arm across the back like he always had.
I finished the dishes and then went up to our room, feeling Harry watching me walk up the stairs.
I changed into some cotton shorts and a long sleeved tee before sitting on the bed, turning on the television to one of the design shows I liked.
As I sat there I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye, and I looked to see Harry walking in. He stopped at the end of the short wall that separated the first few feet of the bathroom from the bedroom, his eyes trained on me.
"What is this?" He asked.
"What is what?"
"This silence between us." He said. "I thought you were happy I was back. I thought things were going to go back to normal."
"I am happy you're back! And I thought they were too. But even though you're here and you're safe, it doesn't feel the same. I'm still scared to lose you." I said, my eyes welling up with tears.
"Emma." He said softly but I broke down.
A moment later I felt the bed dip next to me and then his arms come around me.
"You're not going to lose me." He said, his hand coming up to cradle my face against his chest, his hand stroking over the skin.
"It's just that for months you weren't here, and I had to think about what I would do if you didn't come back. And I don't ever want to have to do that again."
"Shh. I know." He tried to soothe me. "I don't want you to think about that again. I'm here now."
He rubbed my back comfortingly as he spoke again.
"I'm starting to think this traumatized you more than it did me." He said and I just sobbed. "Shh. Come on, let's lay down."
He got beneath the covers with me, our arms around each other as I cried into his chest.
I didn't know I had fallen asleep until I opened my eyes to the darkness of my bedroom.
Looking up I saw Harry's head above mine, his eyes open as he stared at the ceiling.
He seemed to be thinking.
"What are you thinking about?" I whispered and he moved his head to look at me.
"Nothing. I just couldn't sleep." He replied, giving me a small smile before moving so that his forehead rested against mine. "You feeling any better?"
"Yeah." I whispered. "How are you though?"
"I'll be okay."
Harry had made a lot of progress from the time we had started dating, but he still kept a lot of things to himself.
"I know I had a breakdown, but i'm still here if you need to talk. I'll listen."
"I'm not ready to talk yet." He said.
"Okay."
He pressed his lips to mine.
"Let's just sleep."
As we laid there I matched my breathing to his, my head snuggled underneath his.
I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and fell right back to sleep.
In the morning when I woke up Harry was already awake next to me, his fingers running through my hair.
I opened my eyes and he looked down at me before back at the television while I adjusted my head on the pillow, his fingers still moving.
"In the cell they kept me in, the floor was sand, and at night i would run my fingers through the sand and pretend it was your hair." He said and the breath fell out of my lungs.
I moved to stare up at him.
"And one time I was bored so I was drawing a picture of you in the sand, and one of the guards came in and stepped on it, messing it up. I beat the hell out of him. I hadn't eaten in a couple days so I was surprised I had the energy but I broke his nose and jaw."
I had no idea what to say.
"The night I escaped I figured they were probably going to shoot me before I got away, but I looked at that picture of you and Mila that you gave me and I told it, promised you, that I would get home. And that night I stole the guards gun, shot him, and ran like hell. The gash in my leg was from where I slipped running down a hill and crashed into some rocks. They almost caught me then but I kept running until I saw lights from a town and knew I was safe. I hid in a dumpster until the men searching for me left, and once they did I got out and found the first house I could and thankfully it belonged to one of the allies. I collapsed on his doorstep and he called the military."
I still didn't have words, but he needed comfort, so I got up before wrapping my arms around his shoulders, hugging him.
"Can I just hold you?" He whispered and I nodded, so he pulled the rest of me into his lap before winding one arm around my waist and the other around my shoulders, his fingers weaving themselves in my hair.
We sat there on the bed holding each other for a long time.
I cried a few times, but he just pet my hair and shushed me. At some points he would wince as if a bad thought went through his mind, but I would kiss his shoulder and tell him I loved him.
Eventually, we got up, Harry carrying me downstairs and to the kitchen where he set me on the counter.
He let me go but placed his hands on my cheeks and moved in to kiss me. It was slow and sweet, and I could feel love through his kiss.
"Okay. What do you want to eat, Princess?" He moved back.
"Whatever you want is fine." I said.
I watched as he went open the cabinet beside me and pull out two bowls.
"Cereal and toast sound okay to you?"
"Sounds great." I smiled.
He made our breakfast which we ate and then made our way to the living room where he turned on the tv.
"Come sit with me." He said and I moved over to curl into his side.
He moved me as close as he could to him before he eventually wound his arms around me, hugging me to his body.
"I dreamed of holding you like this again. And now I don't want to ever stop." He whispered into my hair.
"You don't have to." I smiled into his chest.
And he didn't. For a long time he just held me. He ran his fingers through my hair, over my arms and down to my thigh. He would press his lips against my hair or the top of my forehead.
The rest of our morning and afternoon was quiet and lazy, but at dinner we ordered in takeout and ate that while sitting across from each other at the table.
"You haven't had any nightmares lately." I mentioned as we ate, just trying to break the silence.
"Yeah." He said after he finished a bite of pad thai.
"I wonder why that is. Not that is a bad thing that you're not having nightmares. I'm just curious."
"I haven't had one since we got back to the States." He said. "Maybe it's that i'm familiar with my surroundings and i've been doing things that I used to do before."
I bit my lip, wondering if I should ask the next question I wanted to ask or not.
Hell. I needed to ask.
"Have you thought about going to a therapist?"
He shrugged his shoulders, not looking up at me.
"Not really."
"I think you should."
"I know you do."
I pushed my food around the container with my fork.
"If you want help finding someone, I can get you good recommendations."
"I will go to therapy on my own time, Emma. But right now all I want to do is get back to my life. I want to hang out with you and Mila and Major. I want to go back to talking like we did and acting like we did. I want to make up for the time I lost and try to go back to who I once was."
"And to do that... you want to go back into the military?" I spoke up.
He looked at me in confusion for a moment before he realized what I was talking about.
"Really? You're upset about that?" He rolled his eyes. "Jesus, here we go."
"Of course i'm upset! You were gone for a year! You were held hostage and tortured and god knows what else for a fucking year. And if you want to go back and finish what you started then I think you're insane."
"Just because that happened once doesn't mean it will happen again."
"That's not my point. My point is that we just got each other back after so long and I don't understand why you would want to leave again."
I could feel myself tearing up.
"It's not about leaving you Emma. It's about doing what's right."
"What will it take for me to be what's right?" I asked as I spilled over the verge of my emotions.
"Emma." I heard him sigh as I covered my face with my hands.
I heard his chair move against the floor as he moved back from the table and then a moment later felt his hand slip under my chin so he could cup my cheek.
"Look at me." He spoke in a soft voice and I barely lifted my head up to meet his eyes. "I didn't leave because of you. I didn't want to leave because of you."
"I just wish I could be enough to make you stay." I managed to get out through my cries.
"You are." He said.
"Then why do you keep wanting to leave?"
"I-" he started to talk and then stopped. "I don't know. It's all i've ever done."
I sniffled as a few tears dropped onto my arm.
"I want us to be okay again and I want to be happy, but I can't do that if I know that one day this could happen again. I don't want to be left behind. I want to be put first."
Harry said nothing, but his hand moved to the back of my head, holding it close his body.
I was still sitting in the chair, but Harry put one arm around my lower back and pulled me down so I was sitting on his lap.
"Emma, you do come first to me, and honestly, you always will. But despite what happened, I still love what I do. I love being in the military."
"I just... I just don't think I can handle you leaving again."
"Right now, i'm staying here. Nothing is definite. I'm not even sure if i'm going to be sent back there. So right now let's not worry about it. We have so much other stuff to focus on than that. Okay?"
I nodded my head, still hiding my face from him.
And that's how we spent our night, Harry holding me on our dining room floor while I cried over a possibility that I knew would kill me if it came true.
•••
Ten days later, things were different.
Harry and I were really trying to get back to a normal life.
I was working on the fundraiser gala for the charity. It was coming up in a month and there was a lot that had to be done.
Harry was trying to settle into a routine. In the morning he would wake up, shower, make coffee, drink it while eating breakfast and watching the news, before taking Major on a walk.
He then spent his afternoons by attending a physical therapy session, spending time on the computer and taking a nap.
In the evenings, we made dinner together before eating at the table and then going to bed. Most nights, Harry woke up in the middle of the night and would turn on the tv, watching it on mute while I pretended to sleep.
Tonight, I was working in the kitchen on beef stroganoff for our dinner, when I felt two firm hands land on my waist.
I only jumped because I wasn't expecting it, but my action elicited a chuckle from Harry.
"Jesus, Harry you scared me."
"Sorry." He said, moving his hands to my stomach before continuing to wind his arms around my middle.
His chin then rested on my shoulder, and I couldn't fight the smile that was tugging on my lips.
"Do you need something?" I asked him sweetly.
"I just wanted to know what you're thinking."
I pursued my lips.
"Well, i'm thinking about the charity gala, and that I have to meet with the caterer tomorrow and then I have a fitting for my dress after that."
"So you'll be gone tomorrow afternoon?" He asked, his voice a little more on edge.
"Yeah. You're welcome to join me but I figured you'd want time to maybe hang out with Jamie or Liam. Maybe have some guy time."
"Eh." He shrugged while still holding me.
"It could be good for you."
"Eh." He said again and this time I knew he was just messing with me.
"So I have a question to ask you." I spoke as I went to stir the pasta that was boiling. "I wanted to know if you would be my date for the charity gala?"
"Hmmm." He hummed in my ear. "Why should I be your date?"
"Because it's going to be amazing and you should go because you want to support me. Also, because I don't want to have to ask Jamie or my dad which is what i'll have to do if you don't end up going."
"Then I guess I have to." He spoke into my ear.
"Thank you." I smiled.
"Of course." He kissed my neck a few times. "Now, I have something to ask you... what do you think about maybe putting dinner off and doing something a little more... exciting?"
My eyes went a little wide.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." He said a little more seriously. "I've been thinking and I'm ready whenever you are."
"I'm ready, it's just been a long time."
"So you didn't...you know, while I was gone."
"Of course not!" My cheeks flared in a blush.
"Maybe it could help us." He said as one of his hands slid under the bottom of my shirt in order to touch my skin and the other went to turn off the stove top burners.
"It might." I said softly as he then moved the other hand under my shirt and began to slide them up my stomach.
"Only one way to find out." He pressed his lips to my ear as his fingers began to run along the bottom of my bra.
After that it was a whirlwind.
Harry spun me around in his arms and lifted me up in order to carry me up the stairs to our room.
He wasn't supposed to be lifting things yet, especially not a person, but at that point we were too caught up in what was going to happen to care.
When we got to our room he set me down, and the moment my feet touched the floor we were practically ripping each other's clothes off.
As soon as I was naked he gently pushed me back on the bed, his body then coming over mine once he was bare too.
He and I, like this, was something I hadn't realized I could miss so much. The closeness, the vulnerability, the passion...it was almost too much.
Our bodies were molded together as one, his hands in my hair, holding my waist, grasping at other areas of me that hadn't been touched by anyone in a while.
The feeling of it, of him, had me doing and saying things I never had before. And Harry, this was a side of him that I was still getting used to.
At moments he could be dominating, like when he would hold my hips down so I couldn't move my waist when he had his head between my legs, causing me to cry out and claw the sheets with my hands until he decided he was done. Or when he was pounding into me so hard I knew it would be difficult for me to walk the next day.
But he could also be vulnerable. Like when I needed a break after my fourth mind blowing orgasm of the evening, he laid there, allowing me to kiss every inch of his exposed skin. And when I brought him to one of his many climaxes of the evening by taking him between my lips, and listening to him moan and feeling him wind his hands in my hair.
And while that night was many things all at once, it was definitely what we needed.
•••
The next day I felt I was walking like a baby deer due to the soreness between my legs.
Harry thought it was funny, especially when I had to put on my heels.
But despite that, I was happy. He was in a good mood, I was in a good mood, and I knew that we had definitely turned a corner in the recovery of our relationship.
Last night had been a reconnecting for us, and I was so glad that we had done it.
Once I was finally ready to leave to run my errands, I went downstairs to where Harry was watching tv.
"Hey, i'm getting ready to leave." I said as I made it to the bottom step.
"Alright." Harry stood up. "How long are you planning to be gone."
"I hope to be back by dinner time."
He came up to me and put his arms around my waist.
"You gonna be okay here?" I asked him.
"Yeah. Major and I will hang out and watch a game or two."
"Well, about that-" I began but was cut off by the door bell. "And they're right on time."
"Who's here?" He asked as I left his arms in order to answer the door, opening it to Jamie and Liam.
"Hi. It's so good to see you." I hugged Liam before hugging Jamie.
"You lucky bastard." I heard Liam say and then Harry laughed, and when I turned around Liam went to hug Harry. "Missed you, man."
"Missed you too." Harry smiled.
"You doing okay?" Liam asked.
"Getting better every day." Harry responded.
Jamie patted my back as we walked over to Harry.
"So here's your company for today. I thought some guy time would do you good."
Harry nodded.
"Thanks. This is great."
"Alright. Well you three guys have fun, i'll be back later." I said and then went up to Harry. "See you later, okay?"
"Okay." He gave me a little smile.
"I love you."
"Love you too."
I leaned up to kiss him, and even though I knew he didn't like to show PDA in front of other people, he kissed me back.
I told them bye again before making my way out of the house and to the car waiting for me.
My day consisted of trying on dress after dress until I found the right one and then sampling meal after meal until me and my gala planning team had decided on the courses.
I texted Harry a couple times throughout the afternoon just to check up on him and both times he texted me back saying he was fine.
When I got home, I opened the front door and could hear the tv in the living room on, the volume up loud.
I closed and locked the door before setting my bag down, and kicking my shoes off before waking into the living room where Harry, Liam and Jamie were sitting around the room watching a basketball game.
"I'm home." I smiled as I walked in, Harry reaching for the remote to turn the volume down.
"How did all your errands go?" Jamie asked me as I walked up to them.
"Good. What did you guys do today?"
"A lot of nothing." Liam laughed. "And we loved it."
Harry then came up to me and his hand lightly grazed my elbow as he got close to me.
"Hey." He said quietly.
"Hi." I responded before stretching up to kiss his cheek. "You good?" I asked him.
"Yeah." He nodded.
"Okay. I'm going to go shower because it's been a long day. But you three watch your game. I'll be upstairs."
I made my way upstairs and took a shower before changing into some pyjamas.
When I walked out of the bathroom it was quiet downstairs, so after putting my hair up and making sure my makeup was off, I went to see what was happening downstairs.
I thought maybe Liam and Jamie had left but when I left the bedroom I heard voices coming from the living room.
"So? What's next for you, Harry?" I heard Liam ask.
"Not sure yet."
"And Emma?"
"What about her?"
"You gonna put a ring on that?"
"Ah...." Harry said. "Um, I don't know."
"Jesus." I heard Jamie sigh.
"I just think we still have a long way to go before that's even on the table." Harry said.
I bit my lip before making my way back into our bedroom, closing the door before going over to his nightstand where I got down on my knees, opening the cabinet door to pull out the journal on top.
I opened it to the page that had last been used, staring at the drawing of a ring that had haunted my thoughts since I had first seen it.
I had imagine and dreamt of that ring on my finger, but I had a real feeling that a dream would be as close as I would get to that ring...or ever being Harry's wife.
—
ahhh, what do you think?
is that ring Harry drew for Emma?
do you think he will ever ask her to marry him?
and what about him joking the military again? do you think he will or will he will stay?
also, do you think Emma and Harry are on the right path or not? what do you think they need to get back to where they were?
i'll update soon! and remember, some curveballs are headed your way... so lookout ;)
much love xx-m