When things get shaky don't close the book, just turn the page and continue on.
When Claire got off the bus from school she didn't even give me a second glance. I wrapped my sweatshirt tighter around me.
It was the middle of winter with multiple inches of snow on the ground and I was outside in only thin sweatpants and a hoodie. I must look insane. She walked right past me and into the apartment building. I sighed and followed her.
After I got home from that little meeting earlier I just sat on the floor of my bedroom and cried my eyes out. I couldn't forget him. It's impossible.
I hated how I had to keep from showing and telling him I loved him. I just wanted to kiss him and stay like that for the rest of forever.
I hated to see how much I was hurting him by ignoring him. But I couldn't start talking to him again or else I would do something I would surely later regret.
I love him but that one stupid reason we broke up in the first place is keeping me away. Maggie. Ugh. I hate her for putting both me and Niall through all this. I guess it's not just her. If she wasn't here I'm sure it would be someone else coming between us. Niall's in a famous boy band after all. A lot of girls want him.
When I catch up to Claire she was already walking into our apartment. She slammed the door in my face. I sigh and re-open it, following her inside. I heard her slam her bedroom door behind her. I plop onto the couch, exhausted from the day’s events.
My little sister hates me, I'm hurting and ignoring the one person I trust and love most, I'm putting off my brother, and on top of it all the media is about to go nuts once they find out about the collaboration between me and One Direction.
On the outside my world seems perfect. Living the life of a famous pop star. Look behind the surface and you find that my life is a hell of a lot more complicated and fucked up than most people see. I guess perfection is something unreachable in this world.
I heard someone knock on the door of my apartment. I furrowed my eyebrow in a confused expression. I wasn't expecting anyone. I get up to open the door. I look through the peephole and see someone I definitely was surprised to see. I flung open the door and put my arms around my brother’s waist in a bear hug. He wrapped his arms around me protectively, comforting me.
"It's okay," he tells me soothingly. I let him in and we sit on the couch as I let tears fall down my face. "Tell me what happened." I try to wipe away the tears. I hear a door open and shut as Claire's innocent voice fills the room.
"Austin?" she calls out looking around the corner. Austin quickly glanced at me. I was trying to hide my face from her so she wouldn't see me cry. Austin stood up. He blocked Claire's view of me and kept walking so she would back out of the living room. She struggled to look around his body. "Austin what's going on?" she asks, confusion flooding her face.
"Claire Bear I need to talk to Lexi in private for a little bit. Can you please go to your room for a while?" he asks nicely. She looks him and tries to glance at me one last time before silently nodding and slowly making her way back to her bedroom.
I try to stop the tears from flowing but nothing works. I've cried way too much lately. I feel like I'm always crying, but yet I have never let Claire see me. I never plan to. She has never seen me show a sign of weakness and I hope she never has to see me in that state. I want her to think that I'm strong. I want her to grow up thinking that as long as she stays strong she can overcome anything. If she sees me break down like I am now she will never believe that.
Once Claire is safely in her room with the door closed Austin sits across from me on the couch like he was before. "Why have you been ignoring me? You can talk to me, Lex."
"No! I can't! I'm sure you're only here to pack me up and take me back to California with you."
"In case you forgot, you're my little sister. My family. I actually care about you and since you weren't returning my calls I flew all the way out here to see if you were okay. I was seriously worried about you. If it wasn't for the freaking media I would have thought you were dead or something!" I turn my head and look out the large window at the busy city of London. "I heard you broke up."
"We did. Don't try to take me away from here. You can't just rip me from my life."
"I wasn't going to. I know you have your career to think about. Are you okay?" he asks, concern clearly written on his face.
"I don't know anymore!" I cry out through the sobs. I tried to tone it down, thinking of Claire just a room away. "I tried to forget about him, but I can't. I saw him and the boys today for the first time in months and I ended up driving home with tears in my eyes. It's just too much! Now Simon wants us to do a song together for their album and I just...." I put a hand to my aching head and close my eyes, trying to calm myself down. "It's overwhelming. I have so much stress. I have to keep up my 'image' while on the inside I really just feel like breaking down."
"Hey," he says, looking at me seriously. He takes me shoulders and looks into my eyes. "What have I always told you?"
"Be careful?"
He shakes his head and stares at me, willing me to remember. I sigh and roll my eyes. Of course I remembered.
"Don't give up," I answer confidently.
"Well to me it sounds like you're giving up."
"I'm not."
"You sound like you're on the edge, about to crack. Like if you have one more thing dropped on your shoulders you'll fall over and crumble like a damn cookie."
"Austin..."
"I'm serious. This isn't the Lexi I left a few months ago when I moved to California. The Lexi I used to know could go through the worst of times and still find a reason to smile and find a way to keep going. There's been some rough patches, I'm not gonna lie. And there have even been times when I felt like we seriously weren't going to make it. During those times, you may not have even realized it, but you helped me Lex." I shake my head and try to wipe away another tear.
"Seriously Aus-"
"Do you remember that first year?" he asks, interrupting me. "When we had to enroll Claire in a daycare service we couldn't afford and when I was still unemployed? You were just starting out at your photography job and you came home every single day exhausted. You were always too tired to even move so you would just come home and go straight to bed."
I nod, remembering the time he was speaking of. That was probably our worst. We literally didn't have a dime to spare. Living off of only loans from the bank that I was desperately trying to work off with my low-paying job.
"I seriously thought we would end up on the streets. But do you remember what you said to me that one day when I told you we might not make it?" I shake my head. I didn't remember. "You said 'Austin shut up. Don't you ever think like that or talk like that again. We are going to be okay. Don't give up because as soon as you give up, I give up. And when I give up everything is going to fall apart.' "
I breathed out a shaky breath. It started to come back to me. I do remember that day. Every day after that I would tell Austin not to give up. I would remind him. He eventually started to say it back to me and we've been doing that ever since.
"So now it's my turn to tell you," he says, pointing at me with a smirk playing on his lips. "Don't give up. On Niall or your career. I don't know what he did, but when I met him at the hotel in Cali I could definitely tell one thing. You two were in love. The way he looked at you just told me something. I knew he wouldn't hurt you. Whatever he did to make you cry this much and make you this upset was most likely an accident."
"I thought you didn't like any guys that came near me."
"I usually don't. Which is why you should take my advice when I'm telling you to take him back. He's the exception."
I sigh and examine the fuzz poking out of my Ugg boots.
"At least talk to him, Lex," Austin says in a pleading voice.
"Did he hire you or something?" I ask suspiciously. He chuckles.
"No. But you have obviously been in a terrible mood since you stopped talking to him, so it only makes sense to start talking to him again to make you happier. It doesn't get much simpler."
"In case you haven't realized, my life isn't exactly simple." By now my tears have dried up. I sniffled occasionally but it wasn't like the waterfall that was flowing from my eyes before.
"Which is why I just made it simpler for you. You're welcome."
I roll my eyes and smile at my brother, hugging him tightly. "Can you stay? For a little bit? Maybe a few weeks, maybe a month? I know you have your job, but I obviously need you here."
"Of course."
"Thank you. There's an extra bedroom you can stay in," I say, smiling weakly.
"Thanks. And if you need anything, you can talk to me Lex. I like Niall. He cares about you and I think he's a good guy to keep around."
"I think so too," I sigh. "That's the problem."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night Austin went to bed early. He was tired and jet-lagged from his extremely long flight to London.
At around seven o'clock I was sitting in my room as the pictures on the television danced across the screen. I wasn't really watching it. I wasn't even sure what was actually on. Instead I was staring at my guitar. I made no effort to get up and reach for it. I just sat in my spot and stared at it.
It wasn't the fancy new and expensive guitar I had recently bought with the money management paid me. That one was tucked away in its case, ready to be moved if I needed it for a show or something. The guitar I was staring at right now was my old one. The guitar I used to sit outside with and strum mindlessly when I was sad and no one was around to comfort me. That guitar was there for me before anyone else was. It was my way to keep sane. My outlet of emotions.
Now I barely touch it. It's beginning to collect dust from sitting on its stand for so long. I've abandoned it. I've traded it for something better.
I sigh and get up from my spot of the bed. I walk over to the stand and gently run my fingers over the worn wood of the instrument. I ignored the dust on my finger tips and picked it up. I blew on it to clear a bit of it off and held it in my arms. I put the strap around my shoulder and lightly rubbed my thumb over the strings. They were thicker than my new guitar's strings. Harder to play.
I place my fingers over the correct strings, forming a chord, and began to play a song. It wasn't even really a song, just various chords that sounded right together. I was interrupted by my phone ringing. I stopped playing and placed my guitar so it was leaning against the bed. Grabbing my phone, I pressed answer without looking at the caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Hey Lex," said a familiar Irish accent. I froze. Every muscle in my body tensed.
"H-hey Niall..." I mentally cursed myself for not checking the caller ID. "What's up?"
"I want to talk to you."
"Okay....what do you wanna talk about?" This is a little weird.
"No. I mean like, in person. Can you meet me at Starbucks?" The place where this all technically started.
"Why can't we just talk over the phone?" I ask nervously. I bit my lip. If I saw Niall after a day like this I would probably break down in his arms crying. I thought of my conversation with Austin earlier and considered going to meet him.
"Please?"
"What could you possibly have to say that's so important? Can't it wait until Saturday? It's a bit late..."
"It's only seven."
"Well maybe I was planning to go to bed. My day has been pretty damn crazy," I snap back.
"You wanna tell me about it?" I could imagine him smirking, thinking he's found a reason for me to meet him. I roll my eyes.
"No."
"I think you do."
"Well, I don't."
"Maybe we could just sit down and you could vent to me about your day over a nice steaming cup of coffee," he says, trying to make it sound like the best and most relaxing idea in the world.
"Niall what's this about?" I ask, getting a bit annoyed at his persistence.
"I want to talk to you," he repeats. I sigh and roll my eyes. I let out a groan of frustration as I decide to take my brothers advice and at least talk to him.
"Fine," I say bitterly. "Be at the Starbucks near management in twenty minutes," I snap before pressing end. I didn't wait for a response. I can't believe he actually convinced me to go talk to him.
I would just go to talk to him. I would hear what he has to tell me and then leave. I didn't plan on staying long and talking with him for hours on end. I just wanted to get in and out as fast as possible.
After quickly changing into jeans and throwing on my boots and a coat I grabbed my phone and purse. I snuck out, careful not to disturb Austin and Claire. They were probably both still sleeping even at this early hour. I grabbed my keys and made my way to my car.
It was now snowing outside and my car was beginning to be covered by flakes of white. I blasted the heat and rubbed my hands together for warmth before driving off with the radio on. No one was on the road except for a few lonely cars zooming past.
When I reached Starbucks I got out and found Niall sitting on a bench outside the store in a heavy coat and a scarf. He had his nose buried in the collar of his shirt and he looked cold.
"What are you doing out here? Why aren't you inside?" I ask a bit worried. He shrugged.
"I got bored. And lonely." He stands up to greet me. I walk into the cozy coffee shop and order a hot chocolate. Niall did the same and we found a table for two by the window.
"Why am I here?" I ask him.
"I don't know....because you drove here?"
I roll my eyes. "Why did you want me to come here?"
He sighs. "I know we technically already had this talk earlier, but I've thought about it a lot. I lov-"
"No. Don't say it," I warn him. He shuts his eyes and lets out a long breath, looking down at the table.
"Okay. But I wanted to ask you if we could at least be friends. This whole not talking thing clearly isn't working out great for either of us. At least not for me."
"It's not for me either," I say, feeling a bit defensive. How could he think this was easy for me? "I just realize now that I should have been more careful from the start. I shouldn't have fallen so hard for you. But I did. And of course I got hurt. It's what I deserved."
"It's not what you deserved. I feel awful."
"How many times have we been over this? It's not your fault."
He shakes his head. "I didn't ask you to come so we could argue over the same thing again. I want an answer to my question. If that answer is no, then I guess that's okay. I'll accept your decision and stay as far out of your life as I can, even if it does kill me on the inside. If the answer is yes then we can start over like our relationship never happened and just go back to being friends. It's completely up to you," he says, leaning back in his chair and watching me. He was waiting for an answer.
I think of everything we've been through. All those nights he comforted me through my nightmares and made me feel better about my horrible past life. How he helped me get Jake out of my mind and how he took me in when my brother moved away. How he gave me a new home, new wardrobe, and new tricked out bedroom. How he gave me a career doing what I love and how he helped me to swim with the sea turtles- something I never imagined I would get the opportunity to do.
Everything he's done for me and this is how I repay him? By ignoring him like he was never even there? Heck, he's the reason I'm in such a better circumstance now than I was just a few months ago. These sort of changes take years to accomplish, but because of Niall and the boys it's only happened in a few short months for me. I can't be more grateful, but right now I clearly wasn't showing my thanks to him.
I take a deep breath and think over my brother's wise words from today. "Okay," I choke out in a scratchy, tired voice. "We can be friends." I give him a smile that I was trying hard to contain, but failed. He didn't even try to hide his giant grin. We sat there, smiling at each other like fools for what felt like forever.
"Awesome," he says, still smiling.
As I looked into his eyes I realized, this was okay. We could be friends. We would make it work. I know one thing's for sure and that is that I'm definitely not going back to ignoring him. That was way too painful for the both of us and it was probably the worst decision I've ever made.
It may not be the same, obviously, but Niall and I are definitely better than we were before. I could call and text him without feeling weird. I could talk to him and the boys without sensing awkwardness. I gave him a friendly hug, squeezing him tight as if I would let go and he would be gone from me again.
"I'm sorry I ignored you for so long," I say in a small voice. He hugged me back with his strong muscular arms.
He didn't say anything in response. We just stood there, hugging it out. I missed him. As a friend and a boyfriend. Friend would have to do, but I still wanted him back. I would probably not get over him completely for the rest of my life. But of course, due to my extremely fucked up life, I can't take him back.
AUTHORS NOTE
OHMIGAWD THEYRE TALKING AGAIN :D amen to that.. but ANYWAYS thank you so so sooo much to you lovely poptarts who submitted covers for the contest(: Im sorry if yours didnt win): but i still loved ALL of them and i appreciate your time and effort(: The official winner is..... @xoxNiallersGirlx0x !!!(: CONGRATS<3 well goodbye my poptarts<3 what do you think will happen next?! O_o