kadiebmore, I love you.
✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌✌
Niall
My throat runs dry and my hands are hanging limp beside my body.
The words that just fell from my lips keep repeating theirselves in my brain, causing me to get slightly dizzy and to feel a headache coming up.
I need to explain though.
I need to explain.
I need.
I don't know why I said that, but at the same time, I do.
I need to explain.
Explain it to myself as much as I have to explain it to the others.
I just want everything to make sense.
I want to remember.
When I look up from my hands, Liam's eyes immediately catch mine, and look at me with a worried emotion.
I feel a tickle.
Deep down somewhere in my stomach.
And I am pretty sure that Liam is the cause of that.
Blushing slightly, I look back at my hands, coughing a little awkwardly and sliding my index finger up and down the sheet's fabric.
"Niall?"
Oh my god his voice is so soft and gentle and warm and I just want to curl up into a ball and listen to it.
It calms me.
It really does.
"Niall you know that you can take your time right? If you don't feel comfortable telling it right now-" Liam says, his gentle voice flowing over me.
"I do, I do." I quickly answer, my voice sounding small and unusually high pitched.
I'm scared.
I know I am.
And I know I shouldn't be.
I just need to talk.
Right now.
Go.
I open my mouth, but when nothing comes out I close it again, squinting my eyes closed and letting out a breath.
I want to cry and to scream, and at the same time I just want to silently lay on the ground and stare at the ceiling.
"Shh, calm down."
It's Louis' voice this time, and I can feel him scooting closer while running his hand up and down my bare back.
It feels strange that his fingers are lightly brushing over my scars, but at the same time, it feels nice and warm, and I don't want him to stop.
"Maybe I should just go so you can talk to Liam alo-" Louis starts offering, but I immediately open my eyes and perk up.
"No, no stay here. I need you."
Louis seems taken aback.
Liam does too, but when he notices that I'm looking at him, he flashes a small smile and then starts staring ahead.
I wonder what he's thinking about.
"What do you need me for?" Louis whispers, keeping his hand still on my back and looking at me, his blue eyes widened slightly.
I suddenly feel like everything needs to be silent, like this room is a library and we're not allowed to talk.
"To listen." I whisper.
"Please listen."
Then I fall silent.
It's a bit strange to ask people to listen, and then end up saying nothing, but I feel like Liam and Louis both understand.
Or they are trying to.
At least, they do as I ask, and don't say anything, only looking at me and sometimes at eachother or at the window behind me.
I need to close my eyes.
Close my eyes and breathe.
Sometimes I need to figure out how to breathe for a minute.
I need to pay attention to when I breathe in and breathe out, and feel my chest moving, counting the seconds in between each breath.
When I was younger, I used to think that if I'd keep breathing in without breathing out, that at one point, I'd start floating.
That there would be so much air inside of me that I would slowly lose my grip one the ground and leave the world behind.
I used to try it a lot.
I wanted to leave my world.
Float away and start a new one.
Quite depressing actually.
I really feel like floating away right now.
I don't notice that I keep on breathing in heavily without breathing out until warm hands place theirselves on my cheeks, and a soft voice starts speaking to me.
"In, out. In, out. You're doing fine Niall, keep beathing. Keep breathing in, and out."
I do as the voice says, letting my body calm down and my breaths find their normal pattern.
Fluttering my eyes open, I notice that Liam's face is really close to mine, his autumn staring in my winter and his hands placed on my cheeks, holding me.
I want him to hold me like he did when I was sleeping.
I want his warmth.
Closing my eyes again, I breathe in one more time, deeply, before leaning back, feeling Liam's hands let go of my face and the warmth to dissapear.
I want to thank him, or at least say that I'm sorry, but I can't.
There's no voice inside of me right now.
"I really should go-"
Louis starts moving, his hand slipping from my back and also his warmth leaving me.
Why is everybody always letting me go?
I quickly grab his hand, and open my eyes, staring directly into his.
He's got nice eyes, they're blue like the sea on a sunny day.
And even though I like the sea and the sun, I still think the colourful trees in autumn are much more beautiful.
"My dad." I whisper, surprising myself even more than the others.
Liam looks up at me, then down at mine and Louis' hands, and then back up at me again.
I don't say anything, instead I wait for them to do so.
They don't either though.
They're probably waiting for me to continue, to tell my story.
I just want them to ask me.
Ask me what I want to tell them.
It takes a while, but then Liam sighs lightly, glances down at my hand around Louis' again, and grabs my other hand with both of his without hesitation.
"What do you mean?"
His thumbs are tracing over the lines on the inside of my hand, and playing with my fingertips.
And I know he's probably doing it unconciously, but it's distracting me.
His thumbs just keep on brushing past my skin lightly, my heart is fluttering, and my cheeks are hot.
His touch.
I love it.
"I mean, he made these... scars."
I look up, seeing Louis' eyes widening as he squeezes my hand lightly.
That little gesture gives me enough courage to keep on talking.
"He did it because, I was different."
I quickly correct myself.
"I am different."
Liam is shaking is head slowly, staring at his hands that are wrapped around my right one, and biting his lip ever so slightly.
I just look at him, my eyes sliding over his forhead to the curve of his nose and past his plump lips, ending at his chin and going back up again.
I can feel Louis looking at me, but I'm too afraid to turn towards him.
I don't want to look anyone in the eye right now.
Not even Liam.
Because they keep silent and listen, like I asked them earlier, I decide to talk again.
My hands start shaking, but both of the guys sitting close to me immediately grasp them tighter, calming me in a way.
Liam is now rubbing his thumbs over the back of my hand softly, and it feels nicer than it should.
"I am.. I have a slight.. autism. Greg told me when I was 9, I think. I never talked about it to my mom and dad, but Greg had heard them talking about me, so."
I am about to cry.
I really am.
But I keep it in.
Crying is something that I already spent too much time on.
My chest is clenching like someone is pressing their hands against it, forcing me to let out all of my breath.
I want to breathe in, but I can't.
When I breathe in I will cry, I am sure about it.
"Why did your dad hurt you, was it because of your autism?"
It is nice to hear someone's voice talking instead of only mine.
It proves that I'm not alone in all this.
Louis is staring at me with a sympathetic smile, waiting for me to answer his question.
I close my eyes.
My breathing is irregular and my heart is thumping wildly.
'You should suffer.'
'You should hurt the same way I did.'
And again, just like the last time I closed my eyes, there's a warm hand on my cheek, suddenly holding me.
A thumb is wiping away something wet on my skin, and when I open my eyes and see everything in a blur, I realise that I'm crying.
Liam is close again, and I can't hold it in this time.
I hate to cry, I really do.
But in front of Liam it's fine.
Warm hands letting go of my face and instead wrapping around my waist.
A body coming closer, making the bedsheets ruffle.
Small sweet things being whispered in my ear, not really mattering but being important at the same time.
"H-he had it too.." I cry out, and Liam sushes me, while I feel someone's hand stoking my cheek softly.
It's probably Louis', because Liam's arms are still wrapped around me securely, holding me tight.
"Who?" Liam whispers in my ear, his warm breath stroking my skin and making me shiver a little.
"My d-dad.. He had a s-slight a-autism too and.. and-"
A sob.
A tear.
Warm hands.
"-and his family used to h-hate him for it. My dad had scars.. just like I do now.."
Liam's lips are in my neck again, but they don't move.
They just keep still on one spot, staying there and warming my skin.
"I needed to suffer- just like.. he did. I needed to s-suffer. I needed- t-to.."
Louis hand keeps wiping the wetness off my cheeks.
Liam's arms keep warming, his voice hushing my rambling.
One day my tears will run out, and there will be no reason to cry anymore.
But sadly, today is not that day.