Once I had told Max about everything, I felt calm. Well, as calm as a person could be under these circumstances. I still felt bad that I didn't reciprocate his feelings but at least he didn't murder me or anything. I'd seen too many episodes of CSI and Criminal Minds so my imagination sort of ran wild as to what he may do.
I still wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that he loved me. I mean, could anyone ever really love me? I guess if they really tried. Gosh, I really needed to try being more positive. It effected so many things in my life, and I never realized it until now.
After all, if I was confident I'd have no problem walking up to Jay and telling him I liked him-correction, loved him.
But confident or not, I was gonna tell him. I figured I should text him first and make sure it was okay for me to come over. I didn't wanna show up just to have him tell me it was a bad time.
" Hey jay, I know we haven't spoken in a while. Can I come over?" It wasn't a very long message but it was direct and to the point.
I waited in my car for what felt like hours and hours. He still hadn't responded and that made me ridiculously nervous. I tried to listen to the radio but nothing good was on so I searched my car for my cd case. I finally found it and popped in a mixtape CD I had made a while back.
It was full of punk music basically, a bunch of My Chemical Romance, Panic! At The Disco, Simple Plan, Green Day - pretty much any kind of punk band you could think of. But of course the CD consisted of mostly Good Charlotte, my favorite band. I sang along to all the songs and even had an air guitar solo for a while.
I heard my phone go off.
"Of course you can. Should I be worried?? Cause that sounded quite vague and well, scary."
"Okay. Well, that depends on how you look at it I guess."
He didn't text back after that but I went ahead and started the journey to what might be the worst or best moment of my life.
On my way there, one of my favorite songs came on. It actually kinda fit my situation. The longer I sang along to it, the more I realized it.
"Ever since I met you, I never could forget you. I only wanna get you right here next to me."
That was entirely true, for so many reasons. He was an idiot sometimes, but he was truly an unforgettable person. The way he would light up when he realized he made someone smile was truly beautiful. And I just wanted him to be mine.
"cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and, you're somebody that I found just in time."
He truly was one of very few people I trusted with anything. When we met, it really was perfect timing. If I'd never met him, I wouldn't be on my way towards my dream job. I really did owe him a lot.
Cause even though he'd caused a lot of trouble for me, he'd also fixed me.
***
So, here I was.
I'd seen this door so many times. Why was I afraid of it now? Oh, that's right! I was about to tell my best friend that I was practically in love with him. No big deal.
I kept pacing back and forth at his door. I'm honestly surprised he didn't hear me. I kept muttering to myself and sighing deeply.
Fuck it. I was already here and I didn't wanna make this a waste of my time and his. I knocked on the door and started panicking.
Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.
Finally he answered the door. Damn, he looked good. He had a grey beanie that complimented his curls well, along with an old t-shirt and jeans. To which I was kind of confused, he hated dressing up so why was he at home all fancy? Well, fancy for him.
"Well, hello." he smiled at me and held his arms out for a hug. He was so adorable. I don't think any one could hate him.
I returned the smile and went in for a hug. "Hiya princess." Oh wow, he even put on cologne. Now I was really confused.
"Still a feisty one I see." he chuckled. I felt his chest vibrate when he laughed and decided to cherish that moment for a bit. I missed moments like this.
I pulled away after I realized I was lingering for too long. "Why would I be any other way?" I smiled weakly at him, slowly remembering why I was here in the first place.
"Good point. Go sit down, I was actually just making tea do you want some?" he asked, closing the door behind him.
"Oh how British of you." I laughed at him. He rolled his eyes and repeated the question.
"Uh, sure. Sounds good to me." I shrugged.
He smiled at me once again and opened his mouth like he was going to say something and then stopped himself.
"What? C'mon spit it out McGuiness." I urged.
He walked into the kitchen and I heard him opening and closing some shelves. I walked in, still curious about what he wanted to say.
"Sooooo..." I sighed and started tapping on the counter.
"You don't give up do you?" he groaned.
"Nope." I answered, popping the P for emphasis.
He looked at me and chuckled lightly to himself. " If you must know, I was just thinking about how adorable you can be. But that's usually ruined by that smart mouth of yours."
"Well, thanks I guess." I felt myself start to blush and looked away.
He handed me a cup of tea and nodded his head towards the couch. Obviously wanting me to finally sit down.
God I miss his couch. It was so comfortable and I'd spent so much time on it. Thanks to all our movie nights which usually consisted of us watching a new movie and then Avatar right after. Probably because I was the only person in the world that would watch it with him week after week.
"So, what was so important that you had to make a trip aaallll the way here?" he asked.
I nearly choked on my tea, which was very well made, if I may add. I guess Brits really knew their shit. He always made me so comfortable-I completely forgot why I came until he mentioned it.
"Uh-well, it's kind of a long story." I sipped my tea again, giving him time to speak.
"Well, I've got time. Only you could make me cancel my plans with other people just to stay home." he responded slightly annoyed.
I looked down at the floor-so that's why he was dressed up. Now I felt bad..
"I'm kidding! My plans were actually rearranged anyways. You kinda had perfect timing." he reassured me and laughed. Probably at how stupid I looked.
"Oh you fucker!" I punched him in the arm. He winced and yelped in pain dramatically. I rolled my eyes and laughed at how dorky he was sometimes, well, all the time.
"Anyways. I came here because I needed to talk to you about something important." I said carefully.
"Oh my god. I knew it. You're pregnant aren't you???!" he asked sarcastically.
"You're an idiot oh my god. I would probably have noticeable signs of pregnancy if it was true dontcha think?" I asked with a subtly raised eyebrow.
He put his hands up in mock surrender. "I wouldn't know, I'm not knowledgeable on the subject."
"Right, pretty sure you're the smartest person I've ever met." I rolled my eyes at him.
He fumbled with his hands a bit and turned away. "I highly doubt that." I gave him an "are you serious" face.
"Anyways, back to what I was saying. I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm really nervous so if I stutter, don't laugh too hard." I paused for a moment, waiting for him to respond.
He put his hand over his chest. "Cross my heart and hope to die, I won't laugh at you."
I started picking at my nail polish, a nervous thing I always did. All the nerves came back rapidly and it became harder to speak.
"Okay I'm just gonna say it otherwise I'll just talk in circles and I'll never say it. Jay, I think I love you. I know that's a lot to process but I have to be honest with you. I've liked you since the moment we met and the closer we became, the more it grew. You're my best friend. You know everything about me and you still accept me, throughout all my flaws. I know I've done some stupid stuff and I really do apologize for that. Because you're an amazing person who deserves so much. I know you're with someone right now but I had to tell you before I like exploded or something." I stopped myself, I didn't want to overwhelm him.
He just sat there and stared at the floor, not saying a word. I gave him a minute to realize what I just admitted to him.This is exactly what I was afraid of. I'd rather have him just tell me he didn't like me, I hated this awkward silence while he stared off into the distance. We sat there in a mutual silence until I finally spoke up.
"Jay." I whispered.
Nothing.
"Jay.. please say something." I whispered once more.
Again, nothing.
My lip started to quiver and I tried to hide it as best as I could. I knew it, he didn't like me. Why would he? I was so stupid to believe he ever liked me.
I got off the couch and set my cup on the table. There was still at least half a cup of tea left but I knew I needed to leave.
"I'm sorry. I should've never said anything. I'm gonna go home now, just forget I ever said anything okay. You love Kelsey Ann, and I don't want to get inbetween you two so this is probably the last time we'll see each other. Take care of yourself okay?" I said rockily, my voice prepared to break at any moment.He still just sat there staring at the floor.
And on that note I left. The walk back to my car was ridiculously blurry, thanks to the tears that had escaped. I just wanted to go home and cry for ages. I didn't care how pathetic I looked. I was just so tired of all this nonsense. Ana and Jasmine would always be there to pick me up. This I knew. So hopefully, they'd be there once again- ready to fix me, like always...
*Jay's P.O.V*
Did she really just say that? No, I must've heard her wrong. There's no way she could possibly be in love with me. I was always such a horrible person to her, why the hell did she like me?
I don't know why, but she did. She always had. If I could just be a man and tell her everything, this would be so much easier. She was wrong, I didn't love Kelsey Ann at all. I never did.
It was always her.
But, of course I couldn't like her. It would never work out for us. There was a reason I was with Kelsey Ann and I had to keep up with this charade. Holding hands, kissing her, pretending to love her. Just because I was a coward.
I just broke my best friend's heart because I can't face my problems. What the hell is wrong with me? Well, that's a long list to be honest.
I do this to her every time. I make her think she has a chance, just to shoot her down. But that's the thing, she did have a chance.
Because little did she know, I was madly, undeniably, crazily in love with her. And I was gonna fix this.
No matter what it took.
-------------------
Hiiiiii!
So first of all, thank you so so so so sooooooo much for getting me to 1K reads! I genuinely never thought it would happen so this feels amazing (:
Secondly, I've been dealing with a lot of personal business so I haven't had time to actually sit down and write but hopefully this was sufficient enough.
I did write this at like 1am so if there's any grammatical errors, I'm sorry!!
The lyrics I used in the story are from the song Wondering by Good Charlotte.
Uh, if you have any questions, comments or concerns - let me know (:
I'm hoping I'll be able to update soon after this, if not I'm sorry /.\ but this story is coming to an end soon so maybe that'll give me motivation :D
Okay I'm gonna go now cause I'm rambling
Bye
Xx