~ Your POV ~
This is getting more unbearable with every minute that passes. You're past the point of hysteria, you've drifted into a state of numb shock, and you dont know how to free yourself from it. Not only do you feel trapped inside your home, but inside your own body, you despise every part of yourself so much, your body resents itself, it feels like every aspect of your being is repelling against you, trying to break through your skin and escape, but everything is trapped inside, and you have to live with it.
Your mind drifts to him, and suddenly you're on his youtube channel, with no recollection of how you get there. That's how everyday of the last week has passed: you realise you're doing things, but have no idea how you got from doing one thing to another. Every recent video of his, you've already watched, but it doesnt matter. You click on a video from a couple of weeks ago, but the second you hear his voice, see his smile, and start falling into those hazel eyes, you feel like you're going to be sick. Closing your laptop, you stand up and speed walk into the kitchen, knowing there's only one other solution to this. Solution, you shouldnt call it that, it wont fix anything, but it'll numb you from this pain for a little while at least. As soon as you reach the kitchen, you're searching every cupboard for one bottle that you know he wont have thrown out because he didnt see it, and eventually, you find it. Your eyes land on the bottle of red wine, and a lump rises in your throat.
When you and Ethan first started dating, he didnt notice, and didnt know about it. You'd go on dates to restaurants and have a glass of wine or two, but he thought nothing of it. Everyday when you got home from work, whatever alcohol that was in your house would be broken into, and on particularly hard days you'd drink until you passed out, then you'd have to apologise to Ethan the next morning for not replying to a text. You were just exhausted, you'd type out time and time again, and he simply thought that work tired you out. It was when you moved in together that he realised. In front of him, you tried to only have a glass of wine a night, but when he stayed up recording videos until the early hours of the morning, he'd often come out of his recording room to find you passed out on the couch with an empty glass still in your hand. Needless to say, it didnt take him long to figure out that you had a problem. He very carefully confronted you about it, and you broke down as soon as he started speaking. Nobody had ever known about your alcohol problem, he was the only person to spend enough time with you to notice. You explained to him that you werent trying to drink yourself to death, which is what he feared. In between sobs, you told him that drinking, even just a small amount, would numb your pain, it'd push any dark thoughts away. For years, alcohol had been your only friend. A poisonous, dangerous friend at that, but nonetheless, a friend. You made Ethan promise that he wouldnt tell anyone else about your problem, and he said he wouldnt, as long as you promised to stop drinking.
Once he knew your motives behind your addiction, Ethan did something potentially dangerous not only to you, but to his career. He began spending less time making videos, and more time with you, in order to replace your dependancy on alcohol, with his own presence. Any time you felt low, felt nothing at all, or felt actually alright, Ethan was there. Even if he didnt speak specific words of comfort, his presence was enough. Relying on someone else to replace your addiction is a risky, and very stupid, thing to do, especially if it's someone you're in a relationship with, because what are you supposed to do if you and that person break up? You questioned Ethan on that, and he reassured you, by promising you that he wasnt going anywhere.
To celebrate you reaching six months of sobriety, Ethan took you out to the same restaurant where you had your first date. When the waiter came over to take your orders, and you asked for "Just a glass of water, please" Ethan couldnt stop himself from grinning at you with pride. That night, at the end of your meal, Ethan got down on one knee and proposed to you. In that moment, he told you that there was nobody else he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, nobody else he could be more proud of, and nobody he could ever love more, than you. With tears of joy streaming down your cheeks, you nodded, and the whole restaurant erupted in cheers and applause as Ethan slid the ring onto your finger, before standing up and wrapping his arms around your waist. He lifted you into the air and spun you around like he was the happiest man alive, which is exactly what he said he was.
Just four months after you got engaged, Ethan was asked to join Mark on his tour, and of course, you encouraged him to go. Excitement filling your veins, you darted up the stairs to start packing yours and Ethan's bags, while he went off to start preparing videos. It wasnt until the night he was due to catch his flight, that Ethan told you he was going to the tour alone. For some reason, it hadnt crossed either of your minds to confirm that you were going with him or not, until the night he was due to leave, and when you got to the bottom of the stairs, dragging your suitcase behind you, Ethan's words made your heart drop.
"I want you to stay at home."
You shouldnt have gotten offended over such a stupid thing, but what he said really hurt you. The way he phrased his words made you think that he didnt WANT you to come with him, he didnt WANT to be around you while on tour. Was there something wrong with you? Dark thoughts swarmed your mind and you blurted out exactly how you felt, not caring how harsh and stupid you sounded. Ethan was taken aback, and stared at you in silent shock for what felt like an eternity, but what in reality was just a few seconds. Then, he spoke, and honestly, you wish he hadnt.
"If you really believe I could ever think like that, you clearly dont know me at all, and maybe I shouldnt bother coming back!"
His words cut through you like a knife, and his expression was one of instant regret as soon as he stopped talking. He briefly reached out to you, but you jerked away from him, and rather than letting him see that he'd hurt you, you responded with anger.
"I dont even know who you are anymore, get the fuck out of my house!"
His expression hardened at your words, and he stormed out of the house with his suitcase, but without so much as a backwards glance at you.
That was a week ago, and according to the tour dates, he was in town yesterday, and the next date isnt until next week. If he was going to come home, he would have. He's not coming back, and it's all your fault. With shaking hands, you reach for the wine bottle, and pour yourself a glass. Just one glass to numb the pain, that's all you need, you tell yourself, still not wanting to completely break your promise to Ethan, despite him breaking his response to you. However, as soon as that familiar taste passes your lips, one glass turns into four, and before you know it, you've drained the bottle dry, the last drops in the bottle are all that's left, it's all you have left, and your hand is clutching onto the bottle desperately.
"Baby, you shouldnt be drinking." You hear a soft, faint voice, one that you recognise immediately.
Your head snaps around to face the direction that the sound came from, but the sudden action causes the room to spin, and you stumble into the kitchen counter, before glancing up. There, standing in the kitchen doorway, is Ethan, with his arms crossed over his chest and a concerned expression on his face.
"Ethan!" You gasp, trying to run at him, but ending up stumbling until you expect to crash into his body, and when your body hits the wall, you look around to see that Ethan has disappeared.
"Please, listen to me, you're stronger than this." His voice echoes in your ears again, this time from the hall, and you scramble over to him frantically, to see him leaning casually against the wall, with his arms still crossed over his chest, and that same concerned expression etched onto his face.
"ETHAN!" You cry out as you trip and fall to the floor at his feet, but when you look up, he's disappeared again.
You scream and punch the floor with your free hand, your other hand still clutching onto the practically empty bottle. Pulling yourself to your feet and using the wall to support you, you muster up all the strength you have, and stumble over to the bottom of the stairs, where you collapse. Hugging the bottle close to your chest, you start sobbing uncontrollably, falling into a state of hysteria that you've never reached before.
"(Y/N)? What happened to you!?! It's alright, Im here now." Ethan's gentle voice returns to your ears, and it sounds slightly different this time.
Even so, you dont dare to look up from your knees, you cant bear to see another vision of him and then watch it disappear.
"Y-YOU'RE NOT REAL! L-LEAVE ME ALONE!" You cry.
His voice gets closer "What're you talking about? Im real, Im here, look at me."
You shake your head frantically "I-I'VE SEEN YOU, AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU, Y-YOU DISAPPEAR! I-I CANT WATCH YOU LEAVE AGAIN!"
A gentle touch on your shoulder causes you to practically jump out of your skin "Look at me, (Y/N)."
Very hesitantly, you lift your head from your knees, seeing Ethan standing over you, with an expression of such intense worry, you've never seen him so worried before. By lifting your head, Ethan can now see the top of the empty wine bottle that you're still hugging, and as soon as his eyes lock onto it, his expression changes to one of extreme sadness and...guilt?
Ethan opens his arms out to you "Baby, come here."
Reluctantly, you place the empty bottle down beside you, bring yourself to your feet and fall into his arms, expecting him to disappear and for you to collapse on the floor, but when your head rests against his chest, and his arms wrap around you tightly, the smell of his cologne surrounds you, and suddenly, you're safe again. Your body stops fighting itself, the feeling of warmth returns to you, and you feel like you've been brought back to life. You cling to Ethan, grabbing fistfuls of his sweater so tight that your knuckles turn white.
"A-Are you really back?" Your voice is small, almost like you're afraid of what his reply will be, because you're so irrationally scared that he's going to tell you he's only come back to collect his things, that he is leaving, for good.
But instead, his arms tighten around you, and he leans close to your ear to whisper "Im here."
The overwhelming feeling of relief washes over you, as Ethan gently lifts you up and carries you to the kitchen, then sits you down on the counter. In your drunk and heartbroken state, you continue to cling to him, and Ethan has to literally take your limbs off of him, though it doesnt take much, you're the weakest you've ever been right now. He pours you a glass of water, and then hands you a plate of sliced bread.
"Get all of that in your system, it'll help sober you up. Im just gonna go pick up the bottle at the bottom of the stairs." Ethan tells you in a quiet voice.
You grab his arm and mumble "Please dont go."
Ethan offers you a small smile as he steps closer to you and kisses your forehead "I'll be right back, I promise, and Im not going to break my promises anymore."
His words hit you like a tonne of bricks, and before you can respond, he walks out of the room. You down the glass of water and start eating bread, but your mind is completely occupied elsewhere. Ethan blames himself for this, he thinks that breaking his promise by leaving is what caused you to break your promise to him. But it wasnt that, not at all. A few seconds later, Ethan strolls back into the room and dumps the empty bottle in the trash.
"I dont blame you." The words leave your mouth before you can even process them, but you know that they're the right ones to say.
Ethan freezes by the trash can, with his back to you.
"How can you not?" His voice wobbles, and your chest aches at the sound.
"I told you to leave, that was my own fault. The things I said were out of anger, in the heat of the moment because I completely misunderstood the meaning behind what you said, but that doesnt excuse what I said to you. I forced you to leave, and when I realised how fucking stupid I was, I broke my promise to you." You explain, feeling your temperature rise with your own anger, which is only aimed at yourself.
"I should've phrased things better, wh-what I meant was that I thought it would be better for you to stay at home, because of your social anxiety, and given the amount of people that would be at each tour date, I-I didnt want to put you in danger. As well as that, I know that people will likely be drinking either between events or at the events themselves, and I didnt want to risk you seeing them and that giving you the urge to-" He cant even finish his sentence, he just shakes his head "It's my fault that this happened, (Y/N)."
You're quiet for a moment as your still-drunk mind tries to piece together what you want to say "If I had broken my promise simply because you left, I would have been drinking the day you left. I've been resisting it every single day you havent been here, until tonight, when I went and watched one of your videos because I missed you, and seeing you so happy made me feel beyond guilty for what I'd accused you of saying. I know what you meant to say, I was so stupid for getting offended by it, and I felt awful for lashing out at you and telling you to go. The guilt caused me so much pain that I couldnt take it anymore, and I resorted to alcohol just to numb the pain. It was so hard for me to start drinking, my hands were shaking and I really didnt want to, but I felt like I needed to." Ethan looks over his shoulder at you, and after seeing the tears staining his cheeks, you continue "But I was wrong about that, I didnt need to drink, and after hallucinating that you were here and so disappointed in me, and whenever I reached out to you I saw you disappear-" You shake your head frantically as fresh tears sting your eyes and sobs get caught in your throat "-I can never drink again, seeing you disappear was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced, I cant."
The second the tears start slipping down your cheeks, Ethan speed walks over to you and cups your face with his hands.
"I could never be disappointed in you, not ever. Im so fucking proud of you for resisting the urge to drink when I was gone, even though I should have never put you in that position in the first place. I am so, so sorry baby." He wipes his face with his hands.
Feeling far more sober and in control of yourself, you wrap your hands around his wrists and pull them away from your face "We both fucked up, but that's in the past now, and that's alright. It may take a little while to heal from this, but we can do it, I know we can. What matters is that you're here now, you're back." You cant help but smile at him after speaking those words.
Ethan sighs "I've missed that smile. I know we can get through this too, I believe in us, more than anything else."
Lifting your left hand, you rest it against his cheek, your thumb subconsciously caressing his cheekbone "Where's my favourite smile?"
Ethan's eyes widen as he frantically lifts his own hand to hold your own, and pull it away from his face to look at it.
He sniffles "You're still wearing the ring?"
You nod "Of course I am, it's the only part of you I had that was still with me."
Ethan lifts your hand to his lips to kiss your knuckles "And I promise you, the rest of me will never leave you like that again"
You smile up at him again "I love you."
A wide grin spreads across Ethan's face as he says "I love you too. So, whaddaya say, will you take me back?"
You roll your eyes at him playfully "When have I ever been able to say no to you?"
And with that, he pulls you into a passionate kiss, your legs wrapping around his waist as you stay sitting on the kitchen counter. Your hands run through his hair while his hands pull you closer to him by the small of your back.
And even though the alcohol hadnt completely worn off yet, you were sober enough to remember that as one of the best make out sessions you ever had.