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jonahmarais I can love you the way you need to be
*****
September
I walked into the cafeteria nearly shaking, it was a zoo in here and I swear one day I'll be the lions lunch. I look around the room searching for a her face and spot it at the circle table closest to the garden, our old favourite spot. She looks up and smiles, waving at me as I begin my journey past the monkeys- I mean jocks and the wombats- I mean the popular girls, towards her happy vibe.
"(y/n) it's been 4 hours since I've seen you!" I chuckle sliding next to her pulling my soggy sandwich that I disgustingly began to eat while she continued reading her science notes and eating her fresh salad from the lunch ladies. Everyone loved her, she was flawless and the kindest person I love. The guys swooned over her, the popular girls wanted to be her, the lunch ladies gave her discounts, she was really the whole package. I however, I was pretty, I did love myself but I never had love, never had I been the one above her and even thought I wanted to be with her all the time sometimes my heart chipped a little when someone says hello, looks at me and ignores my presence.
"(y/bf/n)! um... (y/n)..?" I look up from my daze, if it isn't Jack Avery himself, always here to flirt with (y/bf/n) but never makes a move. As I move my glare from Jack I notice the guy standing behind Jack and my eyes widened, he was definitely someone nice to look at with brown hair, tall figure, broad shoulders and muscles under his grey shirt.
"Hey Jack!" (y/bf/n) said cheerfully breaking my stare, making me watch as the noodle head sat down and the tall guy sit down next to him.
"This is Jonah, he's new here." He lifted his hand in a half wave, half salute as (y/bf/n) slightly bumped me in the leg, calling me out for my staring, already knowing I was attracted to him physically.
"Hi, I'm (y/bf/n) it's nice to meet you."
"Um, I'm (y/n) nice to meet you too." I said finally making eye contact with him while thinking not to drool over his appearance.
"Where are you from?"
"Stillwater, Minnesota" I nearly choked on my food, his voice was deep and ugh wow no, we don't get connected to a guy this quickly. Stop it.
"Oh wow (y/n) has cousins from there" his eyes snap back to me from (y/bf/n)
"Uh yeah, I can show you a photo if you like" he nods causing (y/bf/n) and Jack to break off in conversation as I pull my phone out, finding the most recent picture of my younger cousin, Kate. (Made up ;) ) Clicking on her profile I show him a picture of her and a bunch of friends. His eyes widen.
"That's my sister in the front, oh my god" my jaw drops before laughing
"That's so weird, small world huh." He laughs,
"Your accent is cool, where are you from"
"Australia" (cardi b noise) I say trying not to blush a little embarrassed by how I sound
"Woah! Really!? That's awesome, long way from home"
"Yeah my family moved here for work and so I could start bigger and better things in my life" I say nodding, moving onto my almonds in a small container, he nods understandingly
"Well what have you started since you moved here" I was slightly nervous by all the talk about me but if it meant he'd stare into my eyes a little longer, I was okay with it.
"Well I'd never thought about music since I used to be all sport sport sport but now I'm the complete opposite-"
"Same." My eyes widen, could he get anymore perfect
"I used to be so obsessed with baseball but now I just want to play the piano all day." I nod agreeing with him, getting another nudge from (y/bf/n) obviously saying it's going well.
She was right, it was the best lunch I'd had in a while and he was so interesting but compared to the other guys I couldn't work him out. What were his intentions on being friends with the shadow?
*****
October
The weather is getting colder but I was enjoying the build up of endless opportunities to be stuck inside the music room or jamming out with Jonah like we'd been doing for a couple of weeks, he was super talented and always complimenting my skills on guitar and singing which meant a lot. At lunch us four, me, (y/bf/n), Jack and him would sit at the window table talking ridiculous things and sometimes creating random plans for the weekends which for once we'd gone to see a horror at the movies, which I was never doing again after I threw all my popcorn into his face and cut the blood circulation off (y/bf/n) while she did the same till we were numb.
I could feel that feeling in my stomach that I wanted to push away, I wasn't going to, sure he was attractive but I didn't want to be let down like how I was in the past with guys. So I shoved it away but the more I did the more I couldn't help it till my heart had won over my head. I'd never admit it though even though I knew it.
November
"Hurry up!"
"I'm sorry that your microwave is so slow!" We hell back in forth from the kitchen to the living room. Friday night sleepover and boy had I been down since we hadn't had one in so long due to our busy schedules well actually just hers mine only consisted of lying around, homework, exams or the music room.
"On 3 say a movie we should watch!"
"3... 2... 1... MOANA!" We said at the same time
"Jinx! Jinx! Again! our mental sync synchronization
Can have but one explanation!" We sang together laughing as I walked in with the popcorn, chips and lollies. Two mugs of hot chocolate were already sat on the coffee table as (y/bf/n) wound herself up in the millions of blankets we'd found in her little house.
The movie was thrilling, we ate most of the snacks in the first 20 minutes but Katniss and Peter's ship kept honking in my world to notice. It was nearly 12am by the time we'd stopped the television, cleaned up the mess and dwindled up to her massive queen bed. We were tired before we hit the mattress.
"So how's Jack..?"
"Jack? What about him?" You questioningly looked at her
"Aren't you two... a thing?"
"What!? No! I'd never see him more then just a friend!"
"Damn I was really into the whole (y/bf/n x Jack ship name)" she laughed pulling her hair back crawling under the covers more and more
"What about you and Jonah!?" She wiggles her eyebrows making you burst out laughing
"Nah we are just friends."
"Oh come on! You guys are always talking and staring at each other and when you are away he goes and sits with Corbyn Besson! You are always hanging out in the music room! Surely you too have made out in there!" My eyes blinked before laughing nervously, it wasn't because that stuff was all true, it was just me wishing the whole concept was actually true.
"No we never had."
"Well you must like him then!" I stared at her wondering whether I did or not anymore, to be honest I was just waiting for a first move.
"You do! You didn't reply! Oh my god my parents!"
"Stop stop stop! No he'll never like me that way." She rolled her eyes and even though it was dark I could still see it.
"He definitely likes you, come on you two should basically already be together!" I laugh but shake my head
"Just say you like Jonah."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!!!"
"Yes!!!!!" She squealed in excitement as my hand slammed over my mouth, I'd never ever said or thought that I had fallen for Jonah. I went bright red which she just poked my cheeks out.
"Finally you like a guy, didn't take you like 3 years"
"Ahaha very funny miss popular."
"Oh hush I'd never leave anyone for you." She cooed making me laugh again. The sound of a door down the hallway opening made us fall quickly onto the pillows and fake sleep.
*****
December
It was nearly winter break and Christmas, I was so excited to spend my first Christmas actually in the snow. Even though we've lived here over 2 years we'd gone back to Australia to my grandparents but now the times had changed and my grandma and grandpa arrived yesterday night in five layers of coats. (y/bf/n) and I were going to spend Christmas Eve together cooking and singing and then Boxing Day for all the sales which bought more excitement then I had originally thought I'd have. Jack was just having a quiet Christmas and Jonah was leaving the day after school finished to make it home to his extended family including his sister, Esther that was friends with my cousin. In November I had been only a little into Jonah but now I was nearly head over heels. He made me feel special and good about myself , he made me feel happy and carefree. We'd promised we'd spend the second last day of school in the music room and the last in a cute little diner they'd found as a group of four. (y/bf/n) was convinced he was going to confesss his "huge" feelings for me and maybe even ask for a date when he gets back and I was secretly hoping it to.
As the school bell ended I smiled packing up my science stuff into my bad and swinging over my shoulder, I texted (y/bf/n) telling her I'd see her tomorrow and that I was going to play the piano. I finally made it through the rampage to the little room and as expected Jonah was already at the back of the room plucking an electric guitar.
"Hey,"
"Hey, what's up?"
"Not much just trying something new on the electric"
"Oh cool. Want some bass with that?" I smiled but he didn't return it as he placed the guitar back into its case
"Um actually I needed to talk to you about something." Holy shit this couldn't be it right, (y/bf/n) I never believed it would be true. My heart was pounding
"So um this is really hard to say but- actually nevermind." My heart sunk
"Nevermind!? I'm so I intrigued now!" I laugh but his face only half smiles, more serious looking
"Fine but you can't tell anyone..." I cock an eyebrow nodding
"I like.... I like (y/bf/n)." My heart smashed into a millions of shards as I held back the tears. I stood up
"Really?"
"Yes like she's stunning and so nice to talk to." I made my way to the piano dying on the insides. How could I have been so stupid to believe a guy like Jonah would be different from the rest and like me- love me.
"Yeah I have to agree."
"It's funny Jack told me like the third week I was here after I had worked out I was into her, that he liked her so I've had to pretend I'm not interested but maybe you could help..."
"Um... well she's not really into anyone at the moment so there's no real point chasing her, you'll just have your heart broken." I said playing a few chords on the piano in my heartbreak and strife.
"Well when I like someone I usually stick." My heart continued to sink, shattered from his words. I couldn't even work out why he'd do it to himself.
"See she won't like anyone for a while because it was really tough for her after her last break up so I wouldn't waste your time."
"See I understand. She's just never had anyone love her properly, I'm the one who can." My chin trembled behind the piano so he couldn't see.
Never had anyone love her properly. What a load of bullshit. Everyone loves her, her parents love her, all the guys do, the teachers do. I wanted to get up and scream in his face "that's actually not true; she's loved by everyone so shut up. you know who's never been loved properly... me, yeah selfish to say but the guys use me, people use me, my family are too busy." But I didn't I just kept playing the chords as he continued talking but I couldn't hear anything he was saying, I felt empty with rejection and he didn't even realise what he'd just done. I was finally being in my own spotlight but the one thing holding me there had to drag me back behind the curtains. I love (y/bf/n) but she'll has never felt like this and I don't blame her, if I was her I'd live so carefree, unhurt even if I have small problems. I can't be mad at him and her because they didn't really do anything. I looked at my phone it was 4:15 and I had no way home till 5. Stuck here on the piano, with the guy I like talking about my bestfriend like she was the only girl in the world.
I didn't talk to anyone when I got home, I just played music from my speaker on repeat for 4 hours and from the moment I woke up the same. I didn't try to make my hair tidy like I usually would, I didn't wash my face, I just let the water drop down my body slowly before chucking on sweats and a jumper over. Everyone was doing it so I wasn't going to stand out or anything. (y/bf/n) ran up to me before maths class
"(y/n)! Are you okay!? You didn't respond to any of my messages yesterday and this morning!"
"Yeah I'm fine just my.. phone was not working"
"Oh makes sense, well I have to study at lunch so I'll see you tonight for dinner with the boys! Maybe he'll kiss you under the mistletoe!" She whisper yelled walking briskly away while my heart cried internally as my eyes had to stay dry and I made it through my classes. Lunch was boring by myself, Jack said hello and a see you later but Jonah decided to torture me by sitting down.
"You wanna do a quick music session before dinner?" I can pick you up and we can go to my house for half an hour? My dad has all these instruments we can use and I have a record player you'd talked about before." I stared into his eyes, they weren't the vibrant colour I'd always seen but a dull change due to my lack of interest in my bestfriend-loving-crush. Ew crush what a terrible thing but it was true, in the end it would crush your heart one way or another.
"Um yeah sure..."
"Well dinner is at 6:15 so I'll pick you up 5:15?"
"Sounds great" I half smiled, if it wasn't for the record player which I wanted for Christmas I'd never have said yes.
"Text me the address, I'll see you then!" He said jumping up quickly running away in the other direction.
Why could I never be her. Why couldn't I be the one he's thinking of while bored in class or right before he goes to sleep? He hardly talks to (y/bf/n) compared to me, I know him, he knows me, they both don't know each other. I sigh it was stupid to complain because nothing would change so I just made it to my last class before break thinking...
why am I not her.
_______________
😔
Fun fact this happened to me the other day. Worse then breaking up with your boyfriend I reckon. Actually don't take my word for that I don't have enough experience to say that.
Part 2?