~ Your POV ~
You smile from the stage and wave down as the excited boy returns to his seat in the crowd.
"Thanks for your question!" You speak into the mic, your eyes drifting over to the next person waiting at the mic.
Words enter your ear through an earpiece, and you nod "Ok, this is gonna have to be the last question guys, sorry!"
The other people in the line return to their seats, and you smile kindly down at the teenage girl standing at the mic, nervously fiddling with her hands.
"H-Hi (Y/N), o-oh god, I cant believe Im actually meeting you!" She blurts out.
You chuckle "You have nothing to be nervous about, trust me, Im just a girl who sits in her bedroom and records stupid videos that arent porn." The crowd watching your panel laugh at your joke.
The girl takes some deep breaths, before composing herself "I hope this question isnt too personal, but I was just wondering why you and Ethan dont record together anymore?"
Suddenly, all traces of happiness leave your face, and your mind is flooded with memories, coming and going faster than you can keep up with.
Hey, you there.
"What's up fuckers!?! Ok, no, that's not my intro, but it was funny to get Ethan's reaction to that." You laughed slightly as you looked at Ethan sat beside you.
Ethan blinked rapidly and shook his head in shock "Vine will never die as long as your channel lives."
You grinned at the camera "Damn right! Anyway, so, today Im obviously here with this guy again, and we're gonna do a 'boyfriend does my makeup challenge/tag/thing'. But, Im gonna have to correct that, because Ethan isnt my boyfriend. He is, however, a boy, who is my friend."
Ethan pouted sadly at you.
You raised an eyebrow "What?"
Ethan suddenly smirked "Are you sure it needs correcting?"
You rolled your eyes playfully at him "People ship us hard enough as it is, without you jokingly flirting with me."
Ethan wiggles his eyebrows "Are you sure Im joking?"
You sighed and started scrambling through your makeup bag "Yes, Im very sure you're joking Memethan."
Out of the corner of your eye, you saw him mime to the camera 'Im not joking', and you couldnt help but feel a pang of guilt.
Can we take it to the next level
Baby, do you dare?
"Ethan, we've been here for 20 minutes and you havent put a single bit of makeup on me yet, when're you gonna MAKEUP-" you shot finger guns at the camera "-your mind?"
Ethan laughed and shook his head at your terrible pun, and then smiled at you and sighed "I just dont wanna put any makeup on you."
You facepalmed "Hate to break it to you, but that's kind of the point of this whole video."
Ethan grinned "I know, but why would I ever want to cover up any of your natural beauty?"
Your cheeks flushed pink.
He sighed "God, you're so cute when you blush."
Before you could say anything, Ethan leaned forward and kissed you softly. Your eyes fluttered closed and you kissed back effortlessly, but when you felt Ethan's hands on your waist, you came back to reality and jumped away from him, laughing nervously.
You cleared your throat "W-We should, uh, get on with the video, Eth."
He nodded silently, and you could see a hint of a smile on his face, because he knew you kissed him back. If you hadnt, he would've pulled away immediately and apologised, but the fact you kissed back proved to him what he always hoped he knew: you feel the same.
Don't, be scared.
'Cause if you can say the words,
I don't know why I should care.
By the end of the video, all thoughts and feelings of guilt over the kiss had left your mind, and you were back to laughing with your best friend. Your laughter only intensified when you looked at your reflection, seeing the lipstick doodles Ethan has done on your face, including the word 'goof' written on your forehead, and over a dozen mascara marks on your cheeks, 'for added affect' as Ethan put it.
"What the ever loving fuck have you done to my face you mong!?!" You asked him humorously once you stopped wheezing.
"I have no idea! What I want to know is: how are still absolutely gorgeous, even with all that shit on your face?" Ethan questioned, his tone soft.
You turned to him in shock, your blush undetectable under your makeup, but before you could answer him, his lips were on yours again. This time, you didnt kiss back, and you had to squeeze your eyes shut because it was so hard to resist giving into him. Ethan frowned and pulled away from you.
"What's wrong?" He asked, his voice a little above a whisper.
You avoided his gaze "Im just not feeling so good, I think I need to go lie down."
Straight away, his tone changed to one of worry "Shit, Im sorry, I shouldnt have-"
You cut him off by shaking your head "It's not that, I just really dont feel well, I think Im ill."
Even when trying to dismiss him, you cant tell him you dont have feelings for him, anything but that, you cant lie about that. You stood up from your place on Ethan's bedroom floor and started heading for the door.
"Im gonna head home."
Ethan cleared his throat, and when he spoke again you could hear the sadness in his voice "Ok, I hope you feel better soon, text me when you're home so I know you got home alright."
'Cause here I am,
I'm giving all I can,
But all you ever do is mess it up.
"Tylerrrr, put her down! She's mine!" Ethan whined like a child and stomped his foot, while Tyler gave you a piggy back around the park, running away from Ethan.
You called out to Ethan "IM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DONT NEED NO MAN!"
Tyler chimed in "AND IF SHE DID, IT'D BE ME!"
Ethan gasped "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TRY AND STEAL MY GIRL!"
Amy ran over to you and helped you off Tyler's back, then grabbed your hand "SHE'S MINE, YOU CAN BOTH GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"
The two of you ran away from the pair of boys, until you found yourselves a coffee shop, the boys panting behind you. You seated yourselves at a table, with you sat beside Amy, Ethan opposite you, and Tyler next to him, opposite Amy.
Amy raised an eyebrow at the boys "Why are you two so crazy for (Y/N)?"
You rolled your eyes "Trust me, they're not, it's all just for banter."
Tyler laughed "Exactly!"
Ethan nudged Tyler "Speak for yourself!" Then he looked over at you and winked.
You pretended not to notice, and glanced over at the waitress, allowing yourself to get consumed by your guilt as she walked over to your table.
Yeah, I'm right here,
I'm trying to make it clear
That getting half of you, just ain't enough.
As you exited the coffee shop, Amy hopped on Tyler's back.
"ONWARDS MY TRUSTY STEED!" She shouted, pointing down the street, and off Tyler galloped, leaving you and Ethan stood watching them.
Ethan turned to you and bent down slightly in front of you, his back to you "C'mon, let's beat 'em!"
Without giving yourself time to think up an excuse, you jumped on his back, and he ran after them with you. You reached the park gates, and Amy gasped at the sight of you.
"THE ENEMY APPROACHES! QUICK, ATTACK!" Tyler bellowed.
Ethan turned and ran in the opposite direction, as far away from them as he could before he got out of breath and put you down.
"Think we lost them?" He asked, smiling at you.
You laughed slightly "Let's hope so!"
You leaned against the wall of a building and Ethan stood in front of you, towering over you a little. Blushing at the small amount of space between you, you looked down at the ground, but Ethan slowly lifted your chin with his finger and smiled at you. You dont know whether it was his smile, or being alone with him, or the whole situation, but whatever it was, it did something to you, and suddenly your defences disappeared. You wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him, his arms instantly finding their way around your waist and pulling your body flush against his as he sighed against your lips.
"C'MON TRUSTY STEED, THEY CANT BE FAR!" You heard Amy's voice in the distance, and Ethan's lips slowly left yours. It took every ounce of strength you had not to pull his lips back to yours, you already felt addicted to him.
"We should go and find them." Your own voice spoke out of your control.
Ethan kissed your forehead "I dont know, Im enjoying this alone time with you."
Your arms fell from his neck, and his reluctantly released your waist.
"We should go." Your voice was monotone, and you forced yourself to look at him and see the hurt in his expression, to see the damage you caused, before you walked away from him, following the direction Amy's voice came from.
I'm not going to wait until you're done
Pretending you don't need anyone,
I'm standing here naked.
Ethan made himself so vulnerable to you on so many occasions. He didnt want to, but it was his last hope at getting you to see his feelings. Since the day you met, the two of you had feelings for each other, and you both knew it, but while Ethan tried to make something of it, you chose to ignore both his and your own feelings. It was your chosen obliviousness that led Ethan to such obvious methods of flirting and making his feelings known, and those kisses were his very last resort, because your body reacted before your mind could process it, and while you could have dismissed him verbally, your body couldnt resist immediately kissing him back the first time. That gave Ethan hope, false hope, and the determination to keep trying, because he had proof that you liked him back. You had to be harsher, and your harsh rejections destroyed him.
I'm standing here naked.
The last video you filmed together was tragic, to put it bluntly. After not speaking for over a week, you finally messaged him to ask if he wanted to film a video with you that day, and he did, so you invited him over. You knew that the reason you hadnt spoken was because it was usually Ethan who initiated conversations between you two over texts, and he was waiting to see how long you would wait before messaging him if he didnt initiate it. What he didnt know, was that you would always check your phone, waiting for him to text you, because even if you could just resist the urge to message him first, you couldnt deny that you were desperate to talk to him, and you were there as soon as he messaged you. From his actions over the past week, you werent surprised when he arrived at your house and things were beyond awkward between the two of you. Ethan seemed distant, you noticed almost immediately that he wasnt flirting with you at all, and it didnt take you long to piece together why: he was, once again, seeing if you would initiate it. Flirting was something you could resist doing, because it was something that made you feel very embarrassed, but the fact you didnt flirt with him once meant that he never flirted with you that day, and the video ended up being so awkward and sad that you didnt even upload it when he left.
I'm not going to try 'til you decide
You're ready to swallow all your pride,
I'm standing here naked.
After that, Ethan distanced himself from you completely. He stopped messaging you entirely, even when you initiated conversations with him. He never answered your calls. He didnt come over to film videos with you anymore. The only time you heard anything from him was through your mutual friends, who told you he was barely speaking to anyone, but whenever he did, it was obvious to them that he was broken. One day, you got so irritated and worried that you went to his apartment, and you sat outside his front door crying for over an hour, because he wouldnt let you in, he wouldnt talk to you, and you knew he was home because you could hear him shuffling around on the other side of the door.
I'm standing here naked.
Blinking rapidly, you return to the present, and your eyes instantly lock onto the view of Ethan standing up from his place in the crowd and walking out of the panel.
Hey, get out.
Your eyes are glued to the back of him as you watch him disappear out of the room, not sparing you a backwards glance.
I've got nothing left to give,
And you give me nothing now.
You tear your gaze from the door Ethan walked out of, and smile weakly at the girl still standing at the mic, waiting for an answer.
"It's completely my fault, I fucked it up."
The girl smiles kindly back at you "Then why dont you fix it?"
You feel tears sting your eyes "Because I cant."
Read, my mouth.
If you ever want me back,
Then your walls need breaking down.
You look back at the rest of the crowd "Thank you all for coming, I hope you have an incredible PAX experience, and I cant wait to meet some of you at the meet and greet later, bye!" Then, you speed walk offstage.
You're approached by staff who are hurrying to get your mic off of you, while your eyes are fixed on the stage. You bite your lip anxiously. Dont do this. You're not doing this. There's nothing you can do.
'Cause here I am,
I'm giving all I can,
But all you ever do is mess it up.
Suddenly, bolt out onstage again, before launching yourself onto the ground and running through the crowd, ignoring the thoughts in your head that continue to tell you to turn back. The crowd cheers you on encouragingly, all of them knowing where you're going, as they saw Ethan leave through the same door earlier.
Yeah, I'm right here,
I'm trying to make it clear
That getting half of you, just ain't enough.
Your negative thoughts give up and leave your head, being replaced by far more realistic ones. This is it, make or break. Even if it's too late, he deserves to know the truth.
I'm not going to wait until you're done,
Pretending you don't need anyone,
I'm standing here naked.
Your body crashes through the door, and cool air slaps your hair in front of your face, you scramble to move it out of the way and clear your vision. Looking to your sides frantically, you try to spot Ethan, but cant find him anywhere. You start to panic, and run your hand through your hair as your eyes desperately search for him.
"What are you doing here?"
You slowly turn on your heel to see Ethan standing behind you, with tears rolling down his cheeks.
I'm standing here naked.
"Leave me alone." His words are cold and harsh, but the way his voice cracks tells you exactly how he really feels.
He's terrified of you.
I'm not going to try 'til you decide,
You're ready to swallow all your pride,
I'm standing here naked.
Without saying a word, you step towards him and very carefully take your hands in his, before pulling him into you, hiding your face in his shoulder and wrapping your arms around his neck. It's then, Ethan crumbles, his facade disappears and he clings to your body like his life depends on it.
I'm standing here naked.
"Why wont you give me a chance? Wh-What did I do wrong? Am I that b-bad of a person that you cant love me back?" His voice is so strained, you've never heard him so broken.
You can hear everything in his questions, his hurt, his anger, his fear, all of it caused by you and your own stupidity.
I wanna give you everything.
"Nothing I do can stop me from loving you, and the worst part is, I-I wouldnt want it to." That statement hits you like a tonne of bricks, and it takes a moment for his words to sink in.
After everything you've done to him, he still loves you, and he doesnt want to stop?
I'm not going to wait until you're done,
'Cause you pretended you don't need anyone...
Pulling away from him slightly, you see the adoration for you in his eyes, as tears cascade his cheeks. You brush them away with your thumbs and stare up at him in awe, hoping with every fibre of your being that he can see a reflection of that adoration in your eyes for him.
Can't you see that I'm naked?
"I've been terrified of love for as long as I can remember, but my biggest fear since the day we met has been loving you. The thought of being vulnerable to you, loving you and somehow ending up hurting you, it petrifies me, I cant face that. But in an effort to prevent myself from hurting you, I've destroyed you. I-I was trying to protect you, f-from me." Tears cloud your vision as you avoid his gaze, after making yourself as vulnerable to him as he has made himself to you countless times.
You see that I'm naked.
For a moment, Ethan is in shock. And when your feel arms leave your body, your heart shatters. You sniffle, and nod, unable to look him in the eye.
"I know I left it too late to tell you, and Im so sorry for hurting you the way I did." You mumble hoarsely as you attempt to walk past him and go back inside. You left it too late.
I'm not going to try 'til you decide,
You're ready to swallow all your pride,
I'm standing here naked.
A hand wraps around your wrist, halting you dead in you tracks. Without another word, Ethan pulls you back to him, and cups your face with his hands as he brings you into a passionate kiss. This time, you dont even need to think about trying to resist him, because nothing could convince you to ever do that again. You fully melt into him, your knees beginning to wobble beneath you, and Ethan wrapping his arms around your waist to hold you steady. This kiss holds a thousand words, but it isnt until he pulls away that you hear him paraphrase everything his kiss told you.
I'm standing here naked.
"I love you." The words fall from Ethan's lips so effortlessly, and he smiles down at you as he caresses your flushed pink cheeks.
I'm standing...
"I love you, and Im not scared of that anymore." You didnt even realise you had spoken until you saw tears forming in Ethan's eyes again, and it occurs to you that now you're not fighting your feelings anymore, your body is acting on autopilot without giving you time to overthink everything.
You lean up and kiss him again, craving his lips back on yours the second you felt their absence. Pulling away, he takes your hand in his, and the two of you walk back into PAX. Excited screams and cheers fill your ears as your viewers freak out over you and Ethan holding hands, and you can hear photos being taken, but you cant see any of the people taking the pictures, because you cant tear your eyes from Ethan. You're staring up at him as he stands beside you, a bright smile on your face as you unashamedly admire him. When Ethan realises you're staring at him, he reflects your smile back at you, and despite being completely vulnerable to yourselves and each other, you two are practically glowing. Maybe being vulnerable every once in a while isnt so bad after all.
I'm standing here.