Present.
THE BREEZE OF THE SEA AIR HITTING MY FACE IS COLD. The weather is really nice, tamang tama lang, hindi masyadong mainit. Kalmado rin ang dagat. Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa isip ko upang biglang mag alsa balutan patungo sa Mindanao, but somehow the weather is agreeing that this is not a bad idea, after all.
My father was against the idea. Hindi nito gusto na sa kabila ng death threats at mga aksidenteng kinasangkutan ko ay umalis pa rin ako para magbakasyon malayo sa kanila. He said I needed a bodyguard but I protested. I'm old enough to have a security following me around like I'm sort of a billionaire. We're not, kaya ganoon na lang din ang pagtataka ko at ni daddy kung bakit sunod sunod ang mga delikadong pangyayari sa akin.
It was too sketchy to be a coincidence.
But I wanted to run away for awhile.
The mental and emotional brawl in my mind is far from the fear I have for my safety.
Isa pa, if I die then that's it. Wala naman makakapigil kung oras mo na talaga.
My father would've been adamant to refuse but my step mother, Melissa, convinced him. Jaguar is there to protect me anyway, according to her. Except the fact that they don't know Jaguar wasn't here with me.
So many things have changed after the incident with Primo.
My mom died two years later.
I felt a small pang of guilt from her memory. I'm convinced that a big part of her health deteriorated because of how she saw me barely hanging on to life when Primo left. She somehow blamed herself for rushing things, silently. I didn't notice her health was deteriorating. I was busy fixing my broken heart to the point that I forgot I also have a family.
I turned to look at the sky and smiled bitterly, I almost kicked my self for reminiscing. I didn't want another relapse of what happened, I am okay now.
That was 5 years ago.
Exactly five years ago today.
Kinabukasan ng araw na 'yon ay umalis ang buong pamilya niya para mag migrate sa ibang bansa.
It wasn't in Texas, according to Seige.
I told my friends not to update me of anything related to Primo.
That was the last time I heard something about him.
No letter, no excuses, no reasons, no nothing.
Just a piece of a note saying I'm sorry.
The news was loud but I remained deaf with everything. Ni hindi nga ako nahiya sa mga tao na hindi ako sinipot ng groom ko dahil hindi ako lumalabas ng kwarto.
My heart broke into tiny little pieces that day na hindi ko alam kung kahit pupulutin ko'y maibabalik ko pa sa dati. It was completely shattered, pudpod na pudpod na parang dinikdik na paminta.
Nagkaroon din ng lamat ang pagkakaibigan namin. Months later they all went to train sa ibang bansa and we grew more distant. Manaka nakang tumatawag sila para mangumusta pero iniiwasang makabanggit ng ano mang balita tungkol kay Primo.
Shiva and I remained strong friends though.
One time, Jag called at hindi sinasadyang narinig ko ang boses niya dahil bigla siyang pumasok sa kwarto ni Jaguar at may kinuha. That's when I decided to stop taking their calls.
I had to move on.
I had to remind myself na hindi sa kanya umiikot ang mundo ko.
I didn't wish him any harm and I didn't wish him any good either. Because I decided to stop caring about him and his future. I didn't want to have any thoughts of him any more.
Hindi ko rin pinipilit kalimutan siya. I've decided not to wish I didn't met him so I can be saved from the pain. I decided to accept that it happened and I cannot do anything about it anymore.
He left because he wants to leave and that's it.
It took me a year to completely get over him and two more years to start dating again.
At ngayon nga'y papunta ako sa Mindanao dahil hindi ko gustong harapin si Jaguar, yes, the same Jaguar from five years ago.
He helped me move on, after his training ay dito siya sa Pilipinas na assign at maswerteng nagkita kami ulit. It wasn't planned so we were very happy seeing each other accidentally. Nag aya siyang lumabas and one meeting led to another.
And the reason why I didn't want to see him now? He proposed. I did not turn him down. I didn't say yes either. Humingi ako ng panahon para makapag isip and he was too nice to give me time to think.
I don't know if I'm afraid he might ditch me or I'm afraid because I don't really want to marry him.
So I decided to give myself an alone time...
My phone rang and I took it to see who's calling.
It was Melissa.
"Hey," I answered, smiling.
Although my father has moved on fast from my mother's passing, I wasn't exactly against him remarrying. When I met Melissa, I solidified my support in my father's plan on marrying her. They took one year to finally ask for my approval of their marriage and I agreed to their relationship wholeheartedly. I'm big enough to worry about my own feelings, I can't leave my dad unhappy just because I am.
She's very nice and she's a divorcee. I learned that she was divorced longer than than my dad being a widow. I think five years ago na siyang walang asawa. So it didn't cause any problem when they decided to be together. He met my dad in the hospital where he took over the director's position since my mom died. She was a newly hired nurse there because she started a bit too late to get back on her career. She said she wanted to earn her own money and she liked the job. The rest was history.
"Hey, are you doing good there?" Melissa asked.
"Uhuh, but are you calling because my dad told you to check on me?" patanong na biro ko sa kanya. "Tell him I'm doing fine."
She chuckled. "No, I was worried about you. I'm just making sure Jaguar is with you right now. I think about your safety, Alliyah."
"Come on, Tita Mel. I'm old enough to protect myself. Isa pa'y hindi naman ako naniniwalang may mga taong gusto talaga akong saktan. They're maybe threatening dad through me. Besides, Jaguar will follow me here, his flight is scheduled to leave tomorrow morning," I lied about the Jaguar part and him following.
He's not coming.
"Well, we can't know for sure why you are being threatened, hija. It's better safe than sorry. Alright, I'll just tell your dad you're with Jaguar. You know he'll send someone to bring you back here if he knew you're not with Jaguar right now, right?" she reminded.
"I know... thanks a lot," I said my gratitude. "Talk to you later, medyo malapit na kami sa daungan."
"I still don't know why you insisted on taking the ship. It's too dangerous, the airport is more secured. Anyway, keep me updated."
Hindi na ako sumagot pa at pinatay ang tawag.
"May nakaupo ba?" biglang may nagsalita sa tabi ko.
I'm on the roof deck looking at the scenery. I decided to ride a ship instead of a plane para makapag isip. I didn't argue with Melissa when she asked for my travel details, if not, pipilitin niya akong mag eroplano.
I found my brows raising up sa nakatayong lalaki sa harap ko.
Dark eyes and prominent jaws, I can almost conclude this man is of American descend. He's sporting a navy blue polo shirt na nagpadepina sa mga braso at kung dalhin ang sarili'y tila pag aari ang mundo. I know someone who's of this type but he's a memory I should not reminisce.
"No one," I told him in a not-so-friendly way.
"Cool! I'm Condor by the way," inabot niya ang kamay niya sa akin para magpakilala at makipagkamay.
I just stared at his hands for a moment. Mahigpit na tinuro sa akin ng mga magulang kong 'wag makipag usap sa mga estranghero.
It's very applicable right now.
"Nice meeting you, Condor." Sinabi ko para matapos na ang usapan.
I didn't give him my name, I can't be bothered to make a fake one. I'm too tired to think of anything, a fake name is the last of my worries.
Bahagya itong natawa sa inasta ko pagkuwa'y binaba ang kamay na hindi ko tinanggap. Nakuha na siguro nitong ayaw kong makipag usap sa kanya.
He's handsome and all at hindi maitatangging nakakapukaw siya ng atensyon. In fact, some girls are shamelessly gawking at him giving him a come on look but he's just not my type. They smell heartache and he reminds me of someone. I learned enough not to mix with the likes of him.
"I know you've been warned about not talking to strangers pero hindi na ako estranghero. I already introduced myself," proud na sabi niya, like he can read my mind.
Mabuti na lang at nakasunnies ako kung hindi'y makikita niya ang pagrolyo ng mga eyeballs ko.
"I'm perfectly enjoying my own company. Give me my peace of mind, I badly need it."
"You can't find peace to where you're going, sweetheart. May gyera doon," he taunted. "Not everywhere but some places are really dangerous."
"Who cares?" I said as I was fixing the strands of my hair disheveled by the wind.
I researched enough about the place where I'm going and Davao City is far from dangerous.
"I do," swabeng dagdag niya.
What a fuckboy.
Ganito mga galawan ng mga pinsan ko sa father side.
The lesson number one that I learned from them? Smooth talker guys are equivalent to good liars.
"Sure you do," sarcastic na sabi ko, still facing the waters.
"Hundred percent sure," aniya habang nakangiti.
"Can't trust your math. Hulaan ko, you drive a pickup truck right?"
"Ano'ng kinalaman ng pickup ko sa usapan natin?" His voice masked with slight amusement as he asked.
Are you all ready for lesson number two?
"My cousins warned me that fuckboys drive pickups. 'Guess they're right," tuya ko. "They must be talking about you."
Bumunghalit siya ng tawa. Hindi ko din napigilang mapangiti. He's a good company, just company. Ni hindi bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko sa mga banat niya.
"You've been warned well, lady."
Gusto kong magpasalamat nang tumunog ang cellphone niya dahil hindi ko alam ang idurugtong sa usapan.
I'm really not up for a conversation right now.
"McLauren," seryosong sagot niya sa tawag.
I'm guessing that's his surname.
A small thud in my heart have hit me when I heard his way of answering a call.
Hindi ko siya nilingon at sa halip ay mas tumutok na lang ako sa mga alon. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi makinig dahil hindi naman mahina ang boses niya.
I know it's rude to eavesdrop but my curiosity got me dahil nag uumpisa na itong mainis. I didn't know guys like him would be easily angered. He looked like he's an easy go luck guy who didn't care about anything.
"At ngayon mo lang sinabi na nakasakay na ako sa barko?" He said, very annoyed. "Listen here Salvatore, sana sinabi mo sa akin habang maaga pa! Hindi 'yong nasimulan ko na ang trabaho. Damn it, if you've wanted to annoy him you should've warned me at least! I have started my job!"
Narinig kong tumawa ang nasa kabilang linya and said something like abort his mission or I heard wrong — I don't know, other than that, it's inaudible.
"I don't like being punched by my coworkers, you fucking piece of shit."
I flinched because of his cursing.
Yeah right, I'm no saint pero hindi ako ganyan kalakas at kalutong magmura lalo na at nasa public place. 'Buti hindi niya napansin ang reaksyon ko dahil mahahalatang nakikinig ako.
I decided to control my reactions and emotions.
He shouldn't know that I'm listening.
Nakakahiya.
"He's here? That fast? I better leave and save my jaw," aniya at tumingin sa banda ko bago pinutol ang tawag. "Hey Alliyah, I have to go. No good byes dahil may pakiramdam akong hindi ito ang huli nating pagkikita," kumindat ito bago nagmamadaling umalis.
He was moving swiftly and his strides were fast and silent, I'm amazed by how calculative his moves were.
Kung gaano kabilis itong dumating ay ganoon din kabilis itong nawala sa gitna ng mga tao. Napailing na lang ako sa direksyon niya bago bumalik ng tingin sa dagat. I didn't care that he left because I don't get attached that fast and I'm thankful I don't have company anymore. He looked like he's a trouble waiting to happen.
"Hey Alliyah, I have to go"
Kumunot ang noo ko nang may marealize. I don't remember giving him my name.
He was creepy! How does he know it?
Hindi pa man ako nakakahuma ay nag ring na ang cellphone ko.
What is with this trip that everyone is calling me or taking a call?
It's Jaguar.
"Hello, Jag," I answered, instantly dissolving my irritation. "What made you call?"
"Hello yourself. Why did you not take the airplane?" He asked, his voice is concerned.
"Kung nag eroplano ako'y kahapon pa lang nasa Davao na ako. Besides, I'm going to tour around with Julia at ngayon pa lang ang flight niya."
Sandali siyang natahimik.
"Julia who?" he prompted pagkalipas ng ilang segundo.
"My friend in college? You don't remember?" tanong ko sabay nag-isip. "Oo nga pala, hindi kayo nagpang-abot," dagdag ko.
"Oh, alright never mind about her then. What about you? Are you fine? Did you eat yet? I swear to you I'll set foot in Davao the moment I hear you're not eating on time," babala niya sa akin.
I smiled when I heard that. "Yeah right, old man." I joked. "I've already eaten and I'm gonna take a snack pagkababa ko sa barko. Takot ko lang na sunduin mo't pauwiin ako agad dyan 'no!"
Natahimik siya sa kabilang linya.
I instantly regretted my joke.
"Do you not like it here anymore or you just don't want to see me?" He asked, a little hurt.
I bit my lower lip sa narinig. I'm sure I hurt him noong nag propose siya sa akin at wala akong maibigay na klarong sagot. Minsan talaga gusto kong sapakin ang sarili ko dahil hindi ako marunong pumili ng mga dapat sasabihin, e.
"Of course not! Gusto ko lang mag unwind at magdecide kung ready na ba akong i-give up ang pagiging dalaga ko," I chuckled a bit to lower the tension.
"Are you sure this is not about from five years ago?" He asked carefully na para bang iniiwasang makaapak ng land mine na anumang oras ay sasabog.
The topic has always been off limits between us and for a few people.
Hilaw akong tumawa. "Come on, that's five years ago. I moved on, you helped me move on. Let's not go back to that at mag-aaway lang tayo."
Because that's what we do. Iniiwasan namin ang topic dahil kalimitan ay nauuwi sa away. Nagkakabati din naman kami agad dahil isa sa amin ang nagbababa ng pride. We understand each other so much to the point of unselfishness.
I love Jaguar dearly and I hated myself for what I did to him last week nang mag propose siya but I cannot say yes and end up hurting him more dahil hindi ako sigurado sa kanya at sa desisyon ko.
Gusto ko kapag um-oo ako, siguradong sigurado na ako at hindi na ako muling lilingon pa.
I don't want to lose him too. He's a nice guy and it will break my heart if I saw him break his, for anyone, especially me.
I don't know why I can't say yes.
I don't even know if may trauma ba ako sa pagpapakasal.
What I know is I'm confused and not seeing him and anyone for awhile will give me enough time to think about my decision.
Nagulat pa ako nang marinig ulit ang boses niya.
"Alright. I'll not keep you long, call me when you arrive in Davao."
"Yes sir. Take care!" I said, taunting him.
"Have fun. I love you," he said and ended the call without giving room for my answer.
Ganito lagi.
He would always end the call at hindi na hinihintay ang sagot ko. Like he was refraining from hearing it from me or he was afraid he will not hear the word back from me.
That's just ridiculous.
I love him, of course. He doesn't need to think twice about that. I've said it to him a lot of times outside the cellphone but I think nasanay na siya na patayin agad ang tawag.
The ship announced na papadaong na kami sa port.
I clutched my luggage at tumayo.
I smiled when I saw the people do the same. This is really what's different with the plane and how fast moving the life on a plane is. Here, you can see everyone doing their thing and you can also appreciate the view while waiting.
I glanced at the sea habang hinihintay na makadaong ang barko dahil ayokong makipag siksikan sa mga taong nasa entrada na at nagpapaunahang bumaba.
I mean, we're all gonna go down anyway.
So why bother leaving early? Hindi naman ako nagmamadali. I'll just give them enough room kung may lakad pa sila.
Finally, the ship hits the port.
Bumangga ang barko nang kaonti sa daungan kaya nagkaroon ng maliit na collision. But that small collision was enough to rock the ship hard at hindi ko napaghandaan 'yon.
I was not holding on to do the ship's railings kaya kamuntikan na akong matumba but thankfully agad kong naabot ito. I struggled to keep my balance and when I got it, I realize my phone was dropped as a consequence of the rocking of the ship.
I was about to pick it up nang may naunang pumulot nito.
"Thanks," I muttered without looking then straightened my body which I bended to pickup the cellphone.
"You're welcome," a familiar icy and serious tone answered me.
I held my breath as I was about to stare at that person.
I was surprised by the sudden encounter.
Five years.
Five years ago today.
Five years and the feeling of seeing him is overwhelming.
Awe. Shock. Anger.
He's here standing in front of me.
Seryosong inaabot sa akin ang cellphone ko like nothing happened to us five years ago.
Like he did not ditch me on our wedding.
Like he hasn't broke my heart and left me hanging.
Mula sa akin ay dumako ang tingin niya sa cellphone ko na hawak niya – umilaw ito dahil sa pagkakahulog.
It showed a photo of me kissing Jaguar on his cheeks habang nakakapit ang kamay ko sa leeg niya habang siya nama'y nakaharap sa camera at nakangiwi. He's holding a banner cheering me for my race. Naka race suit pa ako. I kept it as my wallpaper because we looked really happy in that photo.
A sudden warmth filled me when I saw that.
It pulled me back to my reality.
I have Jag, no need to look back five years ago.
I grabbed my phone from his hands.
I smiled pagkuwa'y nagsalita. "Long time no see, Primo."