Chuck Norris VS Segata Sanshiro
The girls and dragon sat around as Twilight left the the room a few minutes ago. All but Applejack were talking happily while the farmer was looking down at the table sadly.
"What's wrong, darling? You seem a bit upset," Rarity wondered, looking up from her tea.
"It's nothing you need to worry about, Rarity. I'm just sad that I lost my last hat," Applejack admitted, rubbing her hatless head with a hoof. "It just feels like i lost a bit of myself."
"I completely understand, Applejack. How about after the next episode I make you a replacement hat," Rarity suggested, hoping to help her friend with her dilemma.
"Thanks Rarity," Applejack said, smiling to the fashionista.
"Speaking of the episode, when will we start the next one," Starlight inquired, looking at her friends.
"We'll start it once Twilight gets back. Do any of you know why she left?" Sunset asked, eating a cookie. The assorted ponies and dragon all looked at each other, wondering if they knew the answer.
"Don't know, but I hope she gets back soon," Rainbow groaned, hovering in the air.
"Getting a bit impatient are we, Dashie," Pinkie asked while munching on some popcorn.
"I'm just wondering what she's doing that's taking so long," Sunset wondered, levitating a soda can to her mouth. She really was hoping that Twilight could finish up what she was doing soon. A moment later said princess walked through the doors and into the room.
"Sorry it took awhile girls," Twilight apologized, taking a seat back on the couch.
"It okay. We were just worried about you," Fluttershy mumbled, nibbling on a cupcake as Doomguy plushie sat on her back.
"There was nothing to worry about, girls. I was just sending a letter to Celestia like usual," Twilight informed, taking a bite out of a cupcake.
"I thought you stopped the Friendship reports, egghead," Rainbow inquired, looking at her friend curiously.
"While I wouldn't of worded it that way, I'm also curious as to why you sent a letter to Celestia," Rarity pondered, sipping her drink like a proper lady.
"I was just Sending a simple letter to Celestia. Nothing serious, but letting her know how we're doing," Twilight said, closing her eyes and enjoying the cupcake. Pinkie sure knows how to make them. "Basically i just told her about the battles, what we've been up to, Sunset being here and telling her to come by anytime to watch with us."
"Wait what was that last one," Sunset gulped, feeling a bit of dread building inside her. She was hoping she misheard Twilight, no she was praying that she misheard.
"Celestia could come over when she feels like?" Twilight replied, looking a bit confused. She didn't see what was wrong with what she said.
"Before that," Sunset begged, wishing Twilight would calm her nerves.
"That you were here, Sunset?" Twilight wondered, still not seeing anything wrong.
Sunset's eyes grew wide while she dropped her snack on the floor. The whole room seemed to fill up with a weird ominous aura as the others felt it. "I feel a dark presence coming," Sunset informed, feeling scared in one of the few times in her life.
A moment later, the windows to Twilight's viewing room shattered as a white alicorn mare stood there. She looked around quickly, her mane looking like fire now, and demonically yelled, "WHERE'S MY BABY?"
No pony or dragon moved as the angry looking princess stood there like some kind of demonic flaming princess was brought out of her rage by two loud crashes. Everyone in the room turned to see Discord and Luna breathing heavily.
"Tia, how is it that you can move this fast when you have such a fat plot," Discord whizzed, bending over to catch his breathe.
"He's right. I've never seen you like this unless the cake reserves were low," Luna muttered, her wings twitching.
"BE SILENT. I WON'T BE DENIED THIS TIME TO SEE MY CHILD," Celestia hissed demonically, looking at the chaos spirit heatedly.
"Wait, what?" Sunset said, looking at her former mentor and drawing her attention to her.
Celestia seemed to realize where she was as it dawned on her what she said. Taking a moment to compose herself, meaning getting rid of her demonic looks and voice, Celestia cleared her throat and calmly said, "My little ponies. It's so nice to see you all again. And to you as well, Sunset."
"What the buck was that? Seriously what was that," Rainbow Dash asked while Applejack seemed to agree.
"I have no idea what you're all talking about," Celestia lied, putting on a calm face.
"No. You said baby. What the fuck did you mean by that," Sunset yelled, wanting to know what the alicorn meant.
"Watch your language young lady!" Celestia bellowed, looking at her former student.
"You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mom," Sunset growled, giving her former mentor a dirty look. She couldn't believe the gall of her, thinking she could order her around like a filly.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it if I have to," Celestia yelled, standing tall like the ruler she is.
Everyone just stopped and stared while their minds processed what the solar princess just said. Once the moment passed, the group could only stare in disbelieve none more so than Sunset. With the awkward silence becoming more uncomfortable by the minute, Discord suddenly popped in between the princess and renegade student. But in Discord like fashion, he was wearing a black button up shirt and nice slacks while holding a microphone and a piece of paper.
"And it turns out that Celestia IS your mother," Discord revealed, looking at the renegade student with a serious expression. The silence was defining as everyone was shocked, especially Sunset.
"You're her mother!" Twilight and her friends yelled.
"You're my mom?" Sunset asked, feeling her whole world turned upside down. It wasn't easy to accept that your former mentor and solar princess was your mother.
Seeing no way out of this, and giving Discord a quick glare, Celestia straightened up and said, "Yes. I am your mother, Sunset. It was one of the things i regretted not telling you. "
"You mean you knew this whole time? And you couldn't tell me?" Sunset cried, tears threatening to run down her face. She dealt with things tougher than this and she didn't cry then.
"You think I wanted to keep this a secret?" Celestia cried, causing everyone to flinch. "I wanted to tell you every time I saw you. I just wanted to hold you close and tell you how i never wanted to do it."
"Well why didn't you? What caused the great Celestia, defeater of Nightmare Moon, to get cold feet?" Sunset growled, her eyes looking like they were about let loose a stream of tears.
"I WAS AFRAID I'D HURT YOU LIKE THE REST OF MY FAMILY," Celestia admitted before breaking down and crying softly. "I was afraid you would want nothing to do with me."
Hearing the princess say that caused the everyone to look at her sadly. Even Sunset felt sorry for Celestia as she sat there weeping. Sunset didn't even know what to do so she just sat there, watching sadly as she felt something touch her. Looking to her side, Sunset saw Twilight wrap a wing around her in comfort.
"You can leave if you want. We won't hold it against you if you want to," Twilight suggested, turning her friend towards the mirror.
Sunset was just about to move towards the mirror, but she looked at her former mentor. She looked so miserable crying to herself as Luna tried to comfort her. 'It wasn't her problem,' the former student thought, thinking it would be better to just leave and forget what just happened.
Sunset then thought back to the Fall formal, the Anon-a-miss incident and the friendship games. It was those times where she thought of the times where she was given a second chance and she gave others their own. Taking a deep breathe, Sunset got off the couch and walked towards the crying princess.
Luna saw this and was getting ready to pounce if Sunset got to close. A paw on her shoulder stopped her as she looked at the frowning Discord. Getting the silent message to watch, Luna decided to sit back for the moment and see where this goes.
Sunset trotted towards her former teacher and saw that she was trying to stop herself from crying. Sunset wasn't sure what she could do in this situation without messing it up, so she did the only thing she could do.
Celestia was crying her eyes out after revealing her dark secret. She wouldn't blame Sunset for wanting nothing to do with her at this point. She should have just kept it to herself to spare herself this pain. While mopping like an emotional teenager, Celestia felt something touch her face. Open her eyes, Celestia saw a tissue covered in a teal aura.
"You really need to dry your tears," Sunset said, moving the tissue with her magic.
"Sunset?" Celestia whimpered, a fresh load of tears threatening to pour down her face.
"I won't lie. I hate that you kept this secret from me for my whole life. I really hate that," Sunset growled, glaring at her weeping mentor who flinched. Taking a calming breathe, Sunset calmly continued, "But with everything I've learned from my friends and at home, I just want to say that I forgive you."
Celestia seeing the sincerity in her eyes, started to cry once more as she pulled Sunset into a hug with her wings. The wayward student yelped at the sudden hug, but surely returned as Celestia muttered, "My baby."
Watching the scene before the, the assorted ponies, draconius and dragon all watched with different reactions. Twilight and Spike smiled happily as her eyes watered, Rarity and Fluttershy were dabbing their eyes dry, Applejack was crying on the inside. Even Discord and Luna were happy to see Sunset accept her mother. But all their reactions could never match Rainbow Dash's.
"I-It's s-so b-beat-tiful," Rainbow whined, blowing her nose with a hankey.
The mother and daughter stayed in that position for awhile until the cries subdued. Twilight, seeing that the drama was over, cleared her throat and asked, "Since you're here, do you want to join us?"
Celestia was about to say something while looking down at her stud-no her daughter and saw that she was nodding her head. Looking at her fellow princess, Celestia said, "I would love to." She then sat on the couch with Sunset sitting next to her.
"We haven't seen one of these battles in a while," Luna admitted, walking towards a couch and sitting on it.
"I wouldn't miss this as well. Plus it'll be fun," Discord chuckled, floating in the air and grabbing the remote. He pressed the play button to start the episode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interlude
(*Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston*)
Wiz: Tall tales of superhuman feats have existed for as long as man has been telling stories... and today, we pit the greatest of these legends in a clash of East meets West.
"Sushi vs Hamburgers," said Discord with a smirk.
"Gundams vs Transformers," laughed Sunset.
"Samurai vs Cowboys," continued Spike, as the trio laughed confusing the members of the group that have never visited the human world or weren't a Chaos spirit.
"It's a human world thing," both Twilight and Starlight said with amused smiles on their faces.
Boomstick: Chuck Norris..... no real introduction needed.
Wiz: And Segata Sanshiro, defender of the Sega Saturn... of all things.
"Huh? Well that's interesting," muttered Sunset.
"Oh? What's interesting?" asked Starlight.
"This guys are from my world," stated Sunset getting a few awed looks.
"That's so cool~!" cheered Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.
"Thats amazing Sunset!" said Twilight with a smile. "They must be some great warriors from your world."
Sunset was about to correct her purple friend and let her know that Segata was a character someone played to sell a console, and more than likely the show was going to use Chuck Norris's many "feats" resulting in a joke battle.
Now she COULD tell her friend that this battle was just a joke and that she didn't have to take it seriously, OR she could do the right thing (to her) and totally fuck with her head... and we all know she'll make the right choice readers.
"Yeah~, thats right! Some the greatest warrior out there," answered Sunset. Doing everything in her power to not to make a grin that would make the Grinch proud. All the while Discord let a chuckle and wiped away a proud tear at seeing Celestia's daughter go down the path of a trickster.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chuck Norris
(*Cues: Unknown Theme*)
Boomstick: In ancient China, there was a legend that one day a child would be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man... is NOT Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man!
"Why would Mr.Norris do such a thing?" asked Fluttershy. The child of legend sounded like somepony that would of done great things.
"Because there can only be one legend." stated Sunset.
"What about Bruce Lee?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"He's a legend amongst legends," answered Sunset getting a high five from Discord.
"You have to tell me about these legends sometime," suggested Celestia with a warm smile.
"Sure thing... Mom," said Sunset with a small blush, causing Celestia to let out a beaming smile.
Luna let out a loud laugh as she pulled her nice into a tight hug. "Count me into too! Also refer to me as your aunt for now on, or even auntie!"
'Can't breath,' thought Sunset with a slightly blue face.
(*Cues: Unknown Theme*)
Wiz: Carlos Ray Norris... yes that's his real name... was born into to a humble Oklahoma family in 1940. A loner, mediocre student and all-around physically-unintimidating pacifist, his childhood... was... pitiful.
Rainbow Dash was liking this already, she was a sucker for the underdog story.
"Huh kind of reminds me of way back when Big Mac was a pretty scrawny colt," commented Applejack. Much to her friends surprise.
"Really? Big Mac of all ponies?" asked an astonished Rarity, the words Big Mac and scrawny did not match up at all in her head.
"Ya but he wanted to be a strong big brother so he kept on working on the farm until he was as big as you see him now," said Applejack with a proud smile.
Boomstick: That is until he answered the call of his country, joined the United States military, and began training in martial arts. From the day he threw his first punch, his life was changed forever.
Background
Real name: Carlos Ray Norris
Born March 10, 1940
Served as an Air Policeman for the U.S. Air Force in 1958
Karate career, 1964-1974
Racked up 183 victories, won 30 tournaments
Opened up a chain of karate schools
Trained Steve McQueen, Donny Osmond, and Bob Barker...
Yes, Bob Barker from the Price Is Right
Politically known to be conservative
(*Cues: Party Crashers - The Expendables 2*)
Wiz: Turns out Chuck is unnaturally gifted in the ways of violence. After his military career, he wandered America for 10 years battling in martial arts competitions. He racked up 183 victories, held the professional midway karate championship title for 6 years, AND became the 1st westerner in the history of Taekwondo to earn the 8 degree black belt.
This left most of the group impressed with the list of accomplishments.
Boomstick: But he didn't stop there. Chuck achieved black belt status in 5 additional disciplines: Tang Soo Do, Karate, Brazilian Jujitsu, Judo, and even one he created... CHUCK KWON DO.
"How egotistical do you have to be to name a fighting style after yourself?" Starlight scoffed.
"It's not egotistical if it gets the job done." Rainbow Dash retorted.
"Also when you wrack up that many victories, you kind of have the right to be a little smug," agreed Sunset.
Wiz: Close. It's actually Chun Kuk Do, or "Universal Way". Where Chuck harnesses the powers of the universe to achieve superhuman feats.
"Powers of the universe?" asked Twilight with a slight shake in her voice.
'Oh no,' thought Spike and the rest of the Equestrians residents. Well except Discord, who was pulling out a bag of popcorn.
'Oh yes~,' thought Sunset.
(*Cues: The Delta Force - Main Theme*)
Chuck Norris: With one hand, I can crush coal into a diamond.
"Diamond you say?" Rarity inquired in curiosity.
"See?" Rainbow Dash smirked confidently. "Why wouldn't you want a style that awesome named after yourself?"
Wiz: So impressed at himself, he hired a team of filmmakers to document his life of newfound powers. Some of these real-life accounts include the Delta Force, Walker: Texas Ranger, and Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos... just to name a few.
"And it was so cool to see what he does in his daily life," lied Sunset. She was really enjoying the rest of the ponies in the room awed looks or in Twilight's case, near the breaking point.
Boomstick: According to these archives, Chuck can kick a man so hard that he does six backflips, fire more bullets from a machine gun than it can actually hold without reloading...
"That is not physically possible!" Twilight snapped.
"Pinkie Pie is sitting right next to you." Spike countered.
"BUT STILL!" argued Twilight. Not noticing Sunset and Discord snickering in the back while Celestia held back a giggle.
Boomstick: ...and even transform into (*beep*)ing animals.
Chuck Norris, as a bird, flies toward a hunter, who turns around and then screams as Chuck Norris transforms back and kicks him.
"Birdy!" Fluttershy said with a cheere while the Doomguy plushie had it's armed raised while wearing a stetson hat.
"Man he can show up... on the FLY~!" joked Sunset. Getting many groans from everyone else in the room. Yes, even Discord.
Boomstick: Why doesn't he do that more often?
Wiz: Because the most dangerous animal in the world, is... Chuck Norris.
"Oh please," scoffed Rarity.
(*Cues: Unknown Theme*)
Wiz: Chuck has taken his already unprecedented abilities even further through over 35 years of intense training on his secret weapon, the Total Gym.
"How in the same hell do ya use the darn thing?" asked a dumbfounded Applejack. The rest of the ponies that called Equestria home also looked at the exercise tool in confusion.
"It works if you're a human," Sunset said with a slight smug tone.
Boomstick: He even had to create his own pants with a secret gusset to keep them from exploding off his body due to his sheer kicking power. He calls them... "Chuck Norris ACTION JEANS".
"Huh i actually got a pair of those," muttered Sunset. Remembering her first birthday in the human world where she got a package that had a pair of said jeans along with a card that was from someone named Uncle L.
Wiz: Naturally, powers like these has spawned hundreds-- no, thousands of myths of what Chuck Norris is capable of, making it very difficult to separate fact from fiction. That is until Chuck released a book officially chronically 101 of his favorite feats.
(*Cues: Algiers - The Delta Force*)
Boomstick: Fact #67: When Chuck Norris does pushups, he pushes the Earth down.
"Oh c'mon!" Twilight groaned "That's just-"
"Chuck Norris Fact..." Sunset giggled. "When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital."
"SHUT YOUR LYING MOUTH!" screamed the princess of friendship.
Wiz: Fact #95: Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Twilight shook her head in disbelief.
"Fact #888: Chuck Norris once beat a man at tennis-after his own arms were cut off!" Discord proclaimed, cracking up.
"But how did... how did he even-" Twilight began.
"He grew them back!" Discord smiled. "Through sheer willpower! That's fact #777!"
Sunset bit her lip, trying not to lose it. "Fact #333: If Uwe Boll made a film starring Chuck Norris, it would become as good as Citizen Kane!"
Twilight gawked at her. "I don't even know who that-"
Boomstick: Fact #80: According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you... yesterday.
Twilight just gave the tv a look of anguish. "NO~!"
Wiz: Fact #71: Scientist has estimated that the energy given off from the Big Bang was roughly equivalent to 1 CNRK: 1 Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
"BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!" screamed Twilight.
"Poor Twilight..." muttered Celestia... right before grabbing some of Discord's popcorn to enjoy two shows.
"Fact #654: He once challenged the moon to a million-lap race around the world..." Sunset snickered. "...and the Moon is still trying to catch up!"
"I wish to race my moon against him!" cheered out Luna with an excited grin on her face.
Boomstick: And those are just the few of the ones we know are true. In addition, legend has it that beneath his magnificent beard lies a third fist.
"Oooh! That sounds super duper awesome!" cheered Pinkie Pie.
"And i have to agree, that beard is quite rugged," admitted Rarity with a blush.
Chuck Norris Facts
#66 Inside Chuck Norris is a smaller, tougher Chuck Norris (this gave Rainbow and Pinkie a good laugh.)
#75 Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg
#84 There is no global warming; Chuck was cold, so he turned up the sun (this caused Celestia to give out a quick laugh.)
#100 Chuck promised never to go skydiving again, one Grand Canyon is enough (this had most of the ponies in awe.)
(*Cues: Rescue - The Expendables 2*)
Wiz: Chuck is as tough as they comes... or rather tougher. Once, after being beaten unconscious and buried underground inside a truck, he revived himself with a beer shower, and miraculously drove the truck OUT OF THE EARTH!
"Do cars work like that?" Spike asked Sunset.
"Only when people like Chuck Norris rides them." answered the daughter of Celestia.
Boomstick: He's proficient with many different vehicles. Speedboats, helicopters, a motorcycle that shoots rockets, and weaponized dolphins.
Wiz: ...Whom he can communicate with.
"Oh, that's nice." Fluttershy smiled.
"Ok but why though?" asked Twilight with a slight twitch in the eye.
Chuck Norris: I'll take care of Angelfish. And you guys make sure no one gets out of here.
Dolphins: (Dolphin noises)
Everyone turned to Fluttershy for the translation.
"They said sure thing." The shy mare explained.
Boomstick: He also has a keen sense of awareness, and is ready for anything. Even a giant alligator parachuting in through a window.
"So... awesome!" Rainbow Dash whispered.
"You're not going to question this one Twi?" asked Applejack.
"After the stuff i had to deal with when i tried to figure out Pinkie's danger sense?" asked Twilight before shaking her head. "No thank you! I learned my lesson."
Wiz: He also put together a team of heroes and save the world on multiple occasions.
Boomstick: This guy really is all that is man.
"I have to agree there," commented Luna.
"It's the beard ladies," joked Discord while sporting a copy of Chuck Norris's beard.
"Oh please," laughed Celestia.
Wiz: But don't mistaken unrelenting masculinity for perfection. Despite his impressive martial arts records, he still suffered a total of 10 loses.
"That seems like not that big of a deal compared to how many times he's won," commented Starlight.
Boomstick: And that's not to mention his massive amount of chest hair. Although infinite and a source of power, it makes him easily grabbable, and even once aided in his own, you know, death at the hands of Bruce Lee.
"THE LEGEND IS HERE!" cheered Sunset, Pinkie Pie, and Discord.
"Oh my," Whispered Fluttershy, blushing when she saw both a young Chuck and Bruce Lee shirtless.
"So thats another legend in the human world." muttered Luna with a slight pink tinge on her cheeks as her eyes took in the greatness that is Bruce Lee.
Weaknesses
Does not have a flawless martial arts record
Suffered 10 losses and 2 draws
His chest hair is so dense that grabbing it is like Velcro
The only martial art he's achieved the highest rank in is the one he invented
Even he couldn't get Mike Huckabee elected President of the U.S.A.
Wiz: Luckily for Chuck, Death itself fears him, so he just, kinda... kept going.
"But!!!- (deep breath) No. No. It's fine. It's fine. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me...it bothers me! It bothers me A LOT! AND WHY ARE YOU TWO LAUGHING!?" screamed the princess of friendship.
"Haha! No reason!" laughed both Discord and Sunset while trying to help each other from falling over from sheer laughter.
'Well glad to see her get along with Discord... still not sure if that's a good thing,' thought the princess of the Sun. well it was better then her meeting her uncle from her father's side of the family.
Boomstick: In all our years of research, we've never found an opponent worthy enough to take on the roundhouse kicking, beard-punching, Texas Ranger.... until now!
(Cut to a scene from The Expendables 2)
Sylvester Stallone (as Barney Ross): I heard another rumor, that you were bitten by a king cobra.
Chuck Norris (as Booker): Yeah I was. But after five days of agonizing pain.... the cobra died.
Barney and various character are in disbelief after Booker states this.
Everyone's jaws dropped.
"That poor cobra..." Fluttershy whispered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Segata Sanshiro
(*Cues: Training Mode (Vintage Score) - Killer Instinct*)
Wiz: Japanese folklore hosts a plethora of horrifying tales. Raiden, the God of Thunder, devours the stomachs of children. Kappas, monsters that dwell in rivers, drowns their victims and rip their souls out their anus.
"WAIT, WHAT WAS THAT LAST PART!?" Pinkie shouted as she fearfully covered her rear.
"Ignore the butt stuff!" yelled Sunset.
Boomstick: And then there's the legend of the karate master who will beat you within an inch of your life if you aren't playing a Sega Saturn.
"...what?" asked a stunned Applejack.
(*Cues: Segata Sanshiro - Main Theme*)
Boomstick: His name is Segata Sanshiro.
Segata throws a man, who screams.
Boomstick: Men.
The thrown man hits the ground, causing him to explode.
"...why did he explode?" asked a confused Starlight.
Boomstick: Women.
Woman: Segata Sanshiro...
"My word! He's quit the ruffian!" ranted Rarity.
Boomstick: Children.
Little Boy: (crying) Segata Sanshiro!
"Not the children!" cried out Fluttershy.
Boomstick: Nobody is safe from Segata's wrath.
Wiz: In 1997, Sega's latest console, the Sega Saturn, was failing. Nintendo was dominating the market and things seemed bleak for this once great video game titan.
"Sadly that happens in the world of business," Rarity could sympathies. Sometime the product you work hard to make will not always be met with a warm welcome.
Boomstick: That is until a mysterious stranger appeared with a plan so crazy, it just might work. He'd travel the land and beat the shit out of anyone not playing a Saturn.
"Now thats how ya do it," Rainbow Dash couldn't help herself but cheer at such a badass way to do business.
"It's an... interesting business practice," muttered Celestia. Be it her to judge another country let alone another world's business strategy.
Wiz: And it did work. Sales skyrocketed, alongside the hospitalization of Japanese youth, but not much is known about this mysterious savior.
"Awesome for Sega! Sucks for everyone else though...." cheered Pinkie Pie before muttering the rest under her breath.
"And savior might be stretching it," commented Luna. wincing a little after seeing Segata beat the ever living shit out of people.
"It's so crazy! I love it!" cheered Discord as he scarfed down more popcorn.
Boomstick: We do know that when he appeared, he had a giant Sega Saturn strapped to his back which he uses to train his physical and gaming prowess at the same time.
"How... does that work?" asked Fluttershy.
Wiz: And he appears to be dating Sakura from Sakura Wars. Yes, he is somehow dating a videogame character.
"NOT. A. WORD." Rainbow Dash snapped before anyone thought to mention a certain Blue Hedgehog.
Background
His name and appearance refer to the genesis of Judo
In a previous life, was a motorcycle-riding cyborg superhero. (Sunset knew exactly what that was referencing and let out a loud cheer.)
Lives alone in the mountains, always trains using a giant Sega Saturn
His theme song orders others to play Sega Saturn "until your fingers break" (everyone winced at that harsh demand.)
Boomstick: Well I'm not surprised because this guy has done some pretty amazing things. He's kicked a baseball for a home run, raced over 60 miles per hour on ice... barefoot... and won the World Cup by THROWING a player into the ball to score the winning goal.
"Well hot dang!" Applejack gasped out.
"Now that's doing sports right!" cheered Rainbow Dash.
"Defying the laws of physics?" asked Spike.
"Go big or go home!" replied Pinkie.
Wiz: He is a master of disguise... and breaking and entering. He can duplicate and resize himself an unlimited number of times and once took down an entire club filled with people in only three moves.
"Impossible!" screamed Twilight.
"Oooh! That whole copy power reminds me of the mirror pool!" Pinkie Pie said with a grin, but winced when she noticed the near murderous look Twilight had.
"Don't bring that up right now!" snarled Twilight.
Boomstick: But his favorite and most powerful technique is his earth-shattering judo throw, which can make his victims EXPLODE upon impact... twice.
"I WILL learn that technique!" Rainbow Dash declared. A fire of determination burning in her eyes.
Wiz: In just a few short years, Segata has successfully terrorize his entire homeland into loving Sega's floundering console. Sales even surpassed those of the Nintendo 64.
Most of the group were kind on the fence on this one. On one hand Segata was able to help Sega from going bankrupt, but on the other hand he DID beat and terrorize the people of his homeland for the sake of a gaming company.
Boomstick: So naturally, the Big N got jealous and launched a huge-ass missile at Sega's headquarters. Oh corporate squabbles...
"I think that has moved WAY past corporate squabbles," commenter a wide eyed Rarity.
Wiz: But Segata... who apparently resides on the roof of the Sega HQ... demonstrated to the world his most impressive feat of all.
"Ok why does he live on the roof?" that was something Rainbow Dash just had to know. It's like if she lived in the Wonderbolts locker room or something.
Boomstick: He just straight up lept off the building onto the missile and stopped it against a glass window, then flipped it around and rode it into space.
"....no," muttered Twilight. She could feel her head beginning to hurt and her left eye to start to twitch.
'Just one more push,' Discord thought with a small smirk.
Wiz: A missile of that size would travel around 3,600 miles per hour... something that no window pane in existence could possibly withstand. Just to stop it without cracking the glass, Segata would have had to make the missile weigh less than it should upon contact with him. The only possible explanation is that Segata is simply exempt from the laws of physics and theoretically capable of almost anything... such as surviving the vacuum of space.
"Nonono!" Twilight repeatedly said, her voice getting louder with each no.
Boomstick: Well... until the missile blew up and he died.
The nuclear missile explodes.
Narrator : Segata Sanshiro wa kimitachi no kokoronou. (Segata Sanshiro will live on in your hearts.)
Rainbow Dash give the warrior a salute of respect to honor the Fallen Hero.
"(sniff) you will truly live on Kamen rider..." whispered Sunset, while wiping away a tear.
"You know he's not dead right?" asked Discord with a raised brow. The actor who played Segata and the first ever kamen rider was alive and well.
"Ya but i dread the day he passes away," muttered Sunset.
Boomstick: Or did he?
Wiz: The departing words from the Japanese commercial announcer claims that Segata will always live on in our hearts... but also he lived on in, you know, the regular way.
"How did he pull THAT off!?" asked Starlight while she and Spike tried to calm down Twilight.
"Maybe from sheer awesomeness?" suggest Rainbow Dash.
Boomstick: While most are blinded by the tears of sadness in their eyes, if you look closely, you'll see what appears to be a shooting star... or Segata reentering the Earth's atmosphere. But don't just take my word for it.
(*Cues: Segata Sanshiro - Main Theme (Metal)*)
Wiz: One year after his supposed death, a strangely similar-looking man appeared in the game Rent A Hero #1. He mentored the main character in the ways of martial arts while claiming to have once been a great hero himself.
Boomstick: Then in 2012 as Sonic and friends competed in the race of ages, a man bearing a giant Sega Saturn on his back was seen steering a nuclear missile away from the track.
Wiz: But the most irrefutable evidence of all came in 2013 when Segata Sanshiro himself crashed a Sega Sound Unit concert and performed his own theme song live on stage. All video footage was destroyed, but we were able to recover a few surprisingly high-quality pictures.
"Oh man! Crashing a concert and singing your own theme song is so awesome!" cheered both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.
Boomstick: And as of the February 2015 issue of Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog comic, a familiar-looking Judo master fought the blue blur in a tournament on Mobius... which is our own Earth 3,000 years in the future. There's only one logical conclusion: Segata's not only alive... he's immortal.
"NO!!!!" Twilight screamed, she was about to charge a magical blast. But thankfully her friends were able to hold her down and restrain her.
"That should hold her," said Celestia as the rest of the group went back to watching the show, leaving a tied up and gagged Twilight to glare at everyone.
Feats & Strengths
Can outmatch an Olympic speed skater... barefoot
Able to duplicate himself and increase his size
Strong enough to punch falling cars and space shuttles into the air
Doesn't flinch when baseballs hit his chest at 90 mph
Can survive and speak in space, despite the lack of atmosphere
Wiz: Death may not be able to conquer Segata, but he in turn has difficulties against the death of others... specifically club zombies.
"Club zombies? Really?" asked Starlight in a mocking tone.
Boomstick: And ultimately while he successfully revived the Saturn, his skills were not enough to keep Sega on top forever.
Weaknesses
His explosive Judo throw does not work on the undead
When this failed, he becomes helpless and was overwhelmed by zombies
Although he greatly helped the Sega Saturn, he could not save it
Lost to Sonic the Hedgehog in a martial arts tournament
Wiz: Perhaps the reason he remains shadowed in anonymity is because he is biding his time, waiting for the right moment to step into the light and rescue Sega yet again.
Boomstick: God knows they need him now more than ever.
"Tell me about it," grumbled Sunset.
Wiz: Regardless, it's safe to say that all should heed Segata's parting words... or else.
Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro! (You must play the Sega Saturn!)
"But i don't have hands to play!" whined Pinkie Pie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While twilight was now safely restrained. The rest of the group agreed to just watch the battle and not root for anyone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Death Battle
In a log cabin next to a forest and mountain, Chuck Norris is seen sitting on a couch and watching television.
TV announcer: We'll return to Delta Force right after these messages.
On the television, a commercial for the Sega Saturn comes on and Segata Sanshiro appears.
Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro! (You must play Sega Saturn)
"Oh i see where this is going," commented Celestia.
Chuck Norris presses on his remote and changes to channel 10, but it too is a Sega Saturn commercial with Segata.
Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro!
The commercial continues with footage from Sonic R, but it is changed to channel 39, where Segata once again appears dressed as Santa.
Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro!
It changes to channel 13.
Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan...
It changes to channel 25.
Segata Sanshiro: Sega...
It changes to channel 69.
Segata Sanshiro: Satan...
It changes to channel 40.
Segata Sanshiro: Shiro!
"OK we get it! You have a hard on for a gaming console!" yelled out Rainbow Dash.
"He's really pushy," muttered Fluttershy.
Chuck Norris goes to change the channel by pressing on his remote once again, but then the television screen begins to warp and Segata jumps out of the TV with a giant Sega Saturn on his back, leaving the television broken. Chuck Norris stands up as Segata tosses the system at him. Chuck Norris catches, then proceeds to crack the system and turn it to dust with one hand.
"OH! It's about to go down!" cheered Pinkie Pie.
"Now fight you legendary warriors!" cried out Luna.
(*Cues: Snapped - Air Gear*)
FIGHT!
Segata shouts and dashes at Chuck Norris, going for his Judo throw, but he steps back out of its range and punches Segata in the head. Barely phased, Segata punches him in the head as well. Chuck Norris strikes Segata's chest, Segata does the same to Chuck, and Chuck Norris does a downward punch to Segata. The two both exchange a number of blows as a faster rate, then Chuck Norris backflips, pulls out a machine gun, and fires it at Segata. Segata simply gets into his stance and the bullets simply bounce off of Segata's chest.
"Abs of steel baby!" yelled out Discord.
'Mmmm~ abs,' thought Rarity, with a small blush.
"Rarity... you're drooling," said Applejack.
While still firing his machine gun, Chuck Norris kicks Segata, knocking him through the cabin into a tree. Segata still stands as the tree he had struck breaks behind him. Chuck Norris looks over at Segata from the hole in his cabin and points at him and clenches his fist.
Chuck Norris: If you come back in here, I'm gonna hit you with so many rights that you're gonna beg for a left.
"I'm gonna have to remember that one for later," Applejack said with a smirk. That was just too good not to use on a varmint.
"I have to agree," agreed Rarity. "While i'm not one to use threats that often, that one will come in handy when dealing with fashion rivals."
"No argument there!" Rainbow Dash smile that she pulled out a book labeled "awesome lines to use when fighting" and quickly wrote it down.
Segata lifts up the broken tree and spins it around at a rapid rate before throwing it at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris rolls below its as it destroys his cabin. Chuck Norris covers the distance quickly and strikes Segata with an uppercut, then two more punches to his head. Seeing Segata remaining unfazed, Chuck Norris unveils his third first from underneath his beard and uppercuts Segata with it as well. He then runs around the Earth within an instant, leaving a fiery trail behind him, to punch Segata in the back of the head.
"Holy buck! That was fast!" shouted Rainbow Dash. she was fast and while she would argue that she could match Sonic, she knew when she was beat.
"Forget the speed! Did you see that third fist!?" asked an astonished Starlight.
"Just be happy it wasn't his third leg," joked Discord. Getting a few blushes from the mares in the room.
"Discord..." growled out Celestia with flaming cheeks.
"Heh, nice." laughed Sunset as she gave the chaos spirit a high five.
The impact levels the entire forest as Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles. Segata leaps out of the wreckage and Judo throws Chuck Norris into the mountain. Chuck Norris manages to recover from the throw, but his impact with the mountain causes an explosion. Shortly afterward, another explosion occurs, destroying the mountain.
"Wow the fights barely started and they've already caused more damage than Twilight and Tirek's fight," said Spike.
Segata overlooks the ruined mountain, then walks away. Chuck Norris flies back to the battlefield leaving a small crater where he landed. Segata turns around.
(*Cues Yooo - (Kabuki Sound Effect)*)
Chuck Norris and Segata stare down each other as Segata's clones surround Chuck Norris. The Segatas all perform the same stance.
"You came to the wrong neighborhood motherfucker." Sunset joked, getting a few laughs from the rest of the group, and an eye roll from the restrained and gagged Twilight.
(*Cues: Ethan Meixsell - Thor's Hammer*)
Suddenly, one of them grabs Chuck Norris from behind and throws him at another clone, who kicks him, then at another who punches him in the head, and another who kicks him in the groin. From above, the circle of Segata's continue knocking Chuck Norris back and forth until one Segata clone throws him to the ground.
"It's like an intense game of Pinball!" yelled Pinkie Pie with stars in her eyes.
"Meh, i've played better," said Discord. Giving a dismissive shrug while playing a pinball machine that had Tirek as the ball and everything he was getting smacked around with was little toy figures of the main six and the flippers were modeled after Celestia and luna. So it was pretty much Tirek getting smacked around.
As Chuck Norris lies there, the ground begins shaking, revealed to be Segata's footsteps as a giant. Segata roars as he goes for a punch, but Chuck Norris blocks the punch with one of his own and then uppercuts Segata. Chuck Norris then leaps upward into the air and lands on Segata, knocking him through the ground. As it turns out, he actually knocked Segata through the entire Earth, breaking the planet in half.
"Woah!" screamed most of the group, while the older Audiences were stunned silent, except Discord and Sunset who were trying to hide their laughter from everyone's reaction.
Chuck Norris does a push up and pushes the ground, causing his half of the planet to fly towards towards the moon where Segata is. It strikes the moon, breaking it in half and pushing Segata.
"Not the moon!" Luna cried out. She gave a pout that was both sad and adorable to look at.
"Don't worry auntie you still have your moon," Sunset traid to comfort. It must of work if the bone crushing hug that the princess of the night was giving her was any indication.
'Oh god why!?' Sunset mentally screamed as she felt a few bones pop out of places.
On that half of the earth, Sanshiro punches the half back and then while in space notices that he is by Saturn as its ring gives off a glow. Segata takes Saturn's ring and flips it multiple times to increase its speed and power.
Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro!
"MMMMMMMMMM!!!!" Twilight screamed through her mouth gag.
"Oh wow i think she's broken," commented Spike as he saw his mother/sister figure pass out through pure mental strain.
Segata finally throws the ring as Chuck Norris sees it flying towards him, even cutting through Mars in the process. It strikes Chuck Norris and breaks through Venus and Mercury before sending the two into the sun. Segata arrives riding an asteroid as Chuck Norris exits the sun as it reaches critical mass. The sun explodes as Chuck and Segata stare at each other as the "Deal with it" sunglasses fall on them.
"WHY THE SUN!" cried Celestia.
"D-don't worry mom, like untie you still have your sun," wheezed out Sunset as she was still trying to pry herself from her aunt's grip. But before she could make any headway on that her mother joined in on the hugging, causing poor Sunset to be experienced the most painful hug that was only second to getting a hug from Vulkan. (and to those who get the reference, I thank you.)
Their sunglasses come off and the two see that the explosion had created a black hole, which grows in size, eventually bringing the two into it.
(*Cues: Cues To Glory - Two Steps From Hell*)
They both attempt one final blow as Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick and Segata's punch clash with each other. As their blows collide, allusions of the three fully-evolved starter Pokémon standing near each other, Ryu battling Scorpion, Captain America battling Batman, Sol Badguy battling Ragna, and even a 2D image of Super Saiyan God Goku punching Superman appear. The sheer power of their blows combined with the black hole causes everything to disappear.
In the aftermath, there is a constellation of stars which form Chuck Norris and Segata Sanshiro fighting.
"I.... but... how... who won!?" asked Starlight.
KO?
Announcer: Apocalyptic!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Results
(*Cues: The Expendables 2 - Respect*)
Boomstick: Holy shit, that was awesome! But who won?
"That's what we want to know!" screamed the group which was loud enough to wake up Twilight.
Wiz: I don't know. I think they're still going. Our instruments just can't pick them up anymore. I believe they might have ripped a hole in space time. So, they either traveled to another dimension, or completely destroyed their plane of existence... or both.
Boomstick: Well, God have mercy on wherever they ended up. I guess this one just kinda spaced out.
"Heh, nice." Sunset let out a chuckle as the rest of the group cringed at the pun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boomstick: Next time on Death Battle!
The sound of thunder is heard and the group sees a large castle before the camera zooms to a very evil looking demonic knight wearing azure armor with a demonic hand wielding a giant flesh sword. The knight slides down the castle before his name pops up on screen.
Nightmare!
The next thing the group hears are two men talking before they saw a tough looking man wielding a humongoussword and wearing a black cloak.
Soon to be dead man: And you are?
Man: I'm Guts.
Guts!
Guts vs Nightmare!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"That was AWESOME. Did you see those moves!?" Rainbow cheered, throwing a few punches into the air.
"Yes darling, we all saw their moves. I must say that it was quite an experience to watch this battle," Rarity admitted, blushing at the memory of certain parts.
"Yer blushing again, Rarity. Now let's get to the box and see what we got," Applejack suggested while walking towards the box.
"Great idea cousin. I want to see what super duper stuff we get," Pinkie cheered, bouncing behind her farmer family member. Soon everyone was there as the box glowed for a moment. Once the glow died down, Discord slithered his way up a wall and appeared beside the box before opening it.
"Well this is interesting," Discord commented while looking inside.
"What's interesting? Is it something awesome like that total gym?" Spike asked excitedly, his eyes getting big and filling up with childlike wonder.
"I doubt that would fit in here. There's just a bunch of cylinders in here and a package for Applejack," Discord said, pulling out thirty-two arms that had said stuff in them. He started to hand them out to everyone at once without moving from his spot.
Applejack took a look at the package briefly before opening it with her own hooves. With all the wrapping off, Applejack could only stare at what she got from the box. It was a hat, but not just any hat. It was a hat just like Chuck Norris was wearing in the preview and battle she just saw. The farmer mare slowly put the hat on her head and suddenly felt whole, like everything was right in the world for her.
"Oh my," Rarity muttered with a blush. Everyone else were given posters of the participants of today's death battle, though Rarity was quick to hide the fact that her posters had the two in their early years while also shirtless.
"Ah ya!" cheered Rainbow Dash. as she looked at her poster of Chuck doing on of his famous round house kicks.
Sunset smiled as she looked at her posters, though she noticed that she also had a poster of Bruce Lee. Tucking them in a bag that Twilight had given her to hold the gifts she had gained last episode, she prepared to to make her way to the Mirror but her path was blocked by her former teacher and now newly discovered mother.
"And where are you heading off to?" asked the sun matriarch, giving her daughter a questioning look that Sunset was all too familiar with.
"Um, I'm going home?" Sunset asked, like it was the most obvious thing. She really needed to get home to do her normal human things.
"Without spending time with your mother?" her mother asked with a raised brow.
"Well I mean I have to go back to school and i also have a job..." muttered the daughter of Celestia.
"I'm sure they'll understand that you need to spend time with your family. Now I believe you should spend the night with us and you can go back home tomorrow," Celestia suggested, using her magic to levitate her daughter out the viewing room.
"Don't I get a choice?" Sunset asked, trying to stop her mother from humiliating her.
"No," Celestia deadpanned, walking out the door as Sunset tried to bribe her mom to stop. Sadly it didn't work out as Luna and Discord chuckled at the two.
"We better go and make sure Tia doesn't do anything risky," Discord commented, flying into a giant donut and disappearing from view.
"Good point," Luna muttered. Looking back at the assorted group, Luna bowed her head slightly and said, "Farewell my friends. Until next time." With her horn glowing, Luna disappeared in a flash of light. The rest of the ponies all went their own ways as it was late.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(later that night, Twilight study.)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Come Twilight, you need to relax," begged Spike as he layed down a tray of tea. He had been trying to calm down his mother in all but blood after her little breakdown.
"Spike I appreciate what you doing, but right now I'm not in the mood," Twilight said irritably. This day was just one big headache for the young princess. First was the reveal that one of her friends was related to her mentor and second mother figure which wasn't all that bad besides the drama that played out. But the biggest thing that caused her current migraine was the two fighters that just said fuck you to the laws of reality on a daily bases.
"*sigh*... twilight you need to get your mind of this," the young drak said with a sigh, until an idea popped in his mind. With a smile he rushed towards the balcony where Twilight's telescope resides. "Here! Gazing at the stars always cheer you up!"
"Okay, you're right. Maybe a little stargazing will help," Twilight relented, thinking that it might help her a little bit. Looking through her telescope, Twilight saw a bunch a familiar constellations that caused her to smile. A few moments passed and the lavender princess noticed something wrong about the night sky. Twilight saw a familiar constellation that wasn't equestrian by nature. What she saw was the constellation that happened at the end of the recent death battle. With what happened earlier and this....well let's just say that Twilight started to freak out.
"Twilight!?" screamed Spike in distress, running towards the screaming mere the young drake traid his best to calm her down. "What wrong!?"
"No! It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" screamed the the princess of friendship, leaving poor Spike confused and worried.
Zooming away from the castle of Friendship, a group on a cloud consisting of two alicorns, one unicorn and one dragonica were laughing while holding binoculars.
"You think we went a little too far with this prank?" Luna asked curiously, looking at the rest of the group.
They all looked at each other curiously as if contemplating on whether or not they passed a certain line for jokes. It dawned on them that they might of and caused the lavender princess a small mental breakdown.
Looking back at Luna, the three said, "Nope." They grabbed some of Discord's popcorn to eat and watch the show below.
Truly the greatest way for a family to bond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHAPTER END! NEXT TIME GUTS VS NIGHTMARE.