Ross' POV
It wasn't getting any better. The fact that I'd much rather stay and work overtime than be home became apparent... even to her. How each night when I'd come home and pray that she was already sleeping so she wouldn't give me more reasons to want to stay away. It was akin to owning a vicious pet, I feared opening our bedroom door to see her blankly watching television.
I love her. God do I love that woman more than I could express with words. She was the one who had found me in the hell I had built for myself. Now it was just a question as to if she had actually dragged me out of there, or just decided to take refuge. Because she herself was suffering.
She escaped a past abusive relationship, so each day was just voyaging through new waters of her past she'd rather not be reminded of. It's not her fault. I know it's not her fault, but at the same time, how is this all fair to me? To get this bitter end to her that I didn't even have a hand in creating? To damage myself more and more each day trying my hardest to love her despite her cold demeanor?
The only reason why I'm still around is because she isn't always like this. In the beginning when I had first met her, she was actually quite charming. The first time I saw her she was getting harassed by some asshole after my gig. But she held her own in the face of confrontation. We didn't even really talk that night. It wasn't until she showed up to another one of my gigs that we had actually had a conversation. Her dad, the last surviving member of her family had passed and she was there permanently as she had inherited his house. She was out of work from all the money she had gotten from his passing. It wasn't really brought to my attention at the time but now that I'm thinking about it she didn't even seem phased by his death.
I took her out the week after we had exchanged numbers. We went on a basic movie dinner date that was a complete flop. At the end of the night when I had dropped her off at her home I sat in her driveway for way longer than I should have because realization hit me like a bus.
I hadn't thought of Caspian that whole night.
And I became addicted to that feeling.
I became addicted to the woman who gave me that feeling.
I replaced my addiction with love, and here I was. Following the same routine, just like every other night in which I peek into our shared bedroom to see if she was still awake. And tonight just happened to be one of those nights where she was awake. Usually the TV would be on and she'd zone out to watch some mindless show (a distraction to keep herself from snapping at me) but tonight the light from the bathroom flooded into our dark bedroom. And I sighed with finality.
Because I couldn't go on like this much longer. I couldn't continue to love this girl, hoping that my love would be adequate enough to fix her. I've already done that with Caspian and look where that lead me? I'm not going to selfishly keep her around just for the sake that she makes the burning go away.
I stepped further into the room. My heart was in my throat. Would she cry? Would she hate me afterwards? Would she blame me for how I feel?
I rounded the corner to see her putting her hair up into a messy bun as her face was dripping wet. She then got a towel to dry her face off, I couldn't exactly place what was different but she looked effortlessly beautiful. That's what made it all the more harder to do what I had to do.
She pulled the towel down and jumped at the sight of me. "Jesus, Ross!" She hissed. The shirt she was wearing rode up slightly and once I focused on it I had realized it was mine.
"Sorry, I was just checking on you." I said quietly, somber. For I needed to do it quick before my brain could make note of anymore things I could miss.
"Oh so you can avoid me?" Danielle sassed, shaking her head as she turned around and leaned against the counter. "I missed you today."
Why are you saying this now? I wanted to ask.
"We need to talk." I uttered out. She smiled at me for what felt like the first time in days.
"I have something I need to tell you too." She fiddled with the end of my t-shirt she was wearing. "Look." She pointed over to the counter and at first I wasn't really processing what it was. But the bright pink "+" sign almost made my knees buckle.
What great fucking timing.
The expletives in my head showed no mercy. She strode over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. And I was on autopilot at the moment as I stared at her pregnacy test.
"I always wanted to be a mom." She confessed into my chest, and it was in that moment I knew I couldn't possibly leave her. The next morning as I made my commute to work the reality of the situation came crashing down on me, as I had dangerously veered off the side of the rode. I called Vi in a panic.
"Slow down Ross, what are you talking about?"
"Vi, she's pregnant. I'm going to be a father." I rested my head on the steering wheel. "A-and," I sighed. "I don't want to be with her anymore."
"You're leaving her? You can't just leave her Ross."
"I know, I know! I know that more than anyone that I can't leave her." I said sinking further into the hole I dug myself, one that I thought I was filling, only to find out that Danielle was digging with me. "I came home last night with every intention of breaking things off with her, because it's just so exhausting dealing with her problems, on top of my own, I mean I've experienced a lifetime of that with C-" I paused. "I was just about to tell her... you know, break things off with her, but she was in such a good mood it freaked me out, then to have her show me the test, the positive test." I was rambling, trying to distract myself from the thought of Caspian, I couldn't fathom thinking of her now, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. "Vi I'm not ready."
"No ones ready, it's not like there's qualifications or tests you have to pass or permits you have to file for to become a parent, it just falls into the hands of people who are capable. And you're more than capable." She sighed. "What are you worried about, you have stable income, right?"
"Yeah."
"You have a roof over your head, with heating and cooling, right?"
"Well, yeah."
"You have money set aside for rainy days?"
"Yeah, you made everyone take a financial management class, remember?" I grimaced at the memories.
"The point I'm trying to make is that you're well on you're feet, and Danielle is set for life on her inheritance, you're both more than capable to support a child with it's basic needs."
"You're forgetting the most important part." She was silent as I spoke on. "The baby needs love."
"And you're doubting your ability to love your own child?" She asked in disbelief.
"Look at where I came from Vi? Remember where all of us came from? The two people who were supposed to love and support me most in the world, didn't. Piper's mother hated even looking at her face, and her father was a rapist. Caspian grew up believing that her parents weren't able to come back to her only to find out they never wanted to come back to her in the first place. And Danny..." I sighed shaking my head at his story. "Was abandoned, left to starve by his father who found his drug addiction more important than raising his son." My head lulled to the car window. "How could I not doubt myself?"
"How could you? Is the better question." She began. "How could you? Even after all you have been put through by your parents or knowing what the other fosters have been put through, how could you ever possibly have the stomach to put your own child through that?" I gritted my teeth to keep from talking back. "If I've taught any of you, anything. It's that, you're not your parents. You're far from it, because I raised you. You were mine and if I could still look at you and say that I love you, even after all the hell you've put me through, there's no possible way you could sit there and tell me that you're not capable of providing your own child with love. Because I provided you with love, and you're not even from my own womb."
It was like a slap in the face, as always she was right. I just wanted to hear the negatives of the situation. I wanted to throw a big fucking pity party. But with her words in my head that day I have come to the decision on two things.
I'll stay as long as she wants me.
And no child of mine will ever feel as I had.
The next two months went by in a flash. It wasn't until after her first sonogram that I told my parents. What I got back wasn't a congratulations but rather an invite to my family's cabin in Colorado for a small vacation.
And I went out of curiosity. I haven't seen any of my siblings in years, I've seen my parents plenty of times though so I wasn't as worried.
But I should've been.
At first they had greeted us with open arms. I expected my mom to be gushing over her first grandchild. But my parents haven't even alluded to our pregnancy. That was the first sign.
The second was a family dinner, in which the painful topic of the future had arose and I had to listen to each of my siblings as they bragged about early retirement and investing in real estate and vacationing in Barbados. And when the question turned on me I told them I was ready to be swamped in diapers, plush toys and nursery rhymes. To which they all awkwardly laughed about and switched topics to politics.
Then finally they pounced. My siblings all got together to go skiing, and I decided to hang back with Danielle. We were both exhausted from having to be around my family, so it wasn't a pleasant surprise to have my parents requesting us to come downstairs.
They tried, they really did. They tried to be skillful in the act of being subtle.
"So how are things coming along." My mother broke the ice.
"Good, the morning sickness has been getting to me but it's manageable." Danielle shrugged.
My mother awkwardly nodded tapping her hands on the table in front of her before sighing. "There's much to be discussed."
"About?" I tensed up.
"Both if you sit down." My father directed. I felt like a child again. "It's to my understanding that... this child was... an accident."
I rolled my eyes. "It wasn't intentional, no. But it doesn't mean it's unwanted." Danielle put her hand on my back rubbing soothing circles.
"And the child is out of wedlock..." My mother trailed off.
"This isn't renaissance times." I felt cornered and from Danielle's hand stilling on my back lead me to think that she did as well.
"And how are you to be sure that it's even yours?" My dad commented making my fist clenched.
"It's mine." I growled. "Get on with whatever you're trying to say."
"Son, you've been doing so well. We were finally getting back on the right path, and we want things to keep going well. You just cant keep doing things out of order." My mother tried to soften the blow of what's to come.
My father produced a small velvet box and slid it across the table towards me. I didn't even reach for it because I've seen it once before in my life.
"Before you get up in arms, we have three options for you." My dad said quietly. The room was so thick with tension I could hardly breathe.
"You two, could get married within this year. And your child will be included in the inheritance and have a head start for taking over the business." He sighed. "Of course you'd have to get it tested to see if it's actually yours of course. I mean, your child would be set for life, and you as well. You guys wouldn't have to worry for the rest of your lives." I felt sick to my stomach.
"Second option. If you don't get married and tested, we'll cut you from the inheritance, the business, we repossess everything with our name on it. It would be as if you never existed." My heart was hammering in my chest with anger.
"Third option, you get rid of it-"
"Fuck no." I stood from my chair knocking it back making Danielle jump and I got a glance at her panic stricken face. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!? Huh? Both of you, how could you just sit there and spew this shit out, that is your fucking grandchild." I pointed at Danielle's stomach. "It's a baby, not even born yet to deserve an ounce of this bullshit you're talking." I grabbed Danielle's hand. "We're leaving."
But she wouldn't budge.
"Ross..." she called out quietly, tears started streaming down her face. I almost thought I was seeing things because she hardly cried.
"No, don't you dare." I pleaded. "We'll be fine, we have your inheritance from your father, everything will be okay, and I could put in more hours-"
"Ross." She pleaded back. "It's not that big of a deal. I'm not letting you shut them out again." She stood her ground. She looked to my parents. "Third option isn't up to you, or Ross for that matter and it was very inconsiderate for you to say that." She then looked back to me. "I want to marry you Ross. But the choice is yours."
The irrational part of my brain felt as if somehow her and my parents have talked beforehand to corner me into this decision. To test and see what I can and can't live without. I can live without a lot, but not without Danielle. And I wish I could sit here and say that it's because of true love or some other bullshit. But it's now that I want nothing more than to go hightailing it back to Caspian.
I needed Danielle, and this baby to keep me grounded. Because I truly wouldn't be able to live through another heartbreak. Especially not from her.
So, with a sigh of defeat I nodded my head and swiped the ring off of the table. Everyone was quiet as I opened the small velvet box and stared at the heirloom that stared back at me, the engagement ring that was once my grandmothers, my mothers and it will now be Danielle's, like some nasty family curse I get the honor of carrying on. I just simply handed it to Danielle without a word and walked out of the room.
•••
I was angry. I was more than angry. So much so it took me a week until I could actually talk to Danielle. And when I finally had, we came to an agreement. That we'd try to make this work to the best of our abilities. That we'll keep the engagement on to please my parents but if either of us would rather not go through with it, we'll drop it.
I'm not backing out out of weakness. If I'm not tied down in some way, I'm just going to find my way back to Caspian.
But I feel guilty because Danielle's reasoning is because she said it was going to happen anyways, that she couldn't see her future without me so that made me feel like even more of an asshole.
And I found my self turning to alcohol, like a cliche movie plot where a man couldn't deal with his problems or hold his liquor. I felt like an asshole and I acted like one.
On a particularly bad day I had even forgotten to take my IED medication giving Danielle one of my worst anger episodes.
We went back to no talking for another three days. And on the fourth day Vi's wedding invitation came in the mail.
Ever since Cass ran Bumpy Roads into the ground with her detailed book Vi had a lot of free time. Free time in which she had spent being courted by the dorkiest guy I've ever heard, Richard. A real do it by the book guy, he loves gospel and vintage post cards. A real square but Vi adores him.
It was a pain in the ass to try to convince Danielle to go.
"And what about your little friend, is she going to be there?"
"Well I'm guessing she'll be there, she was a big part of Vi's life." I shrugged. She's always been suspicious of my past with Caspian, and I felt like a piece of shit when I always tell her that there was nothing to worry about. Because deep down, there was something she had to worry about.
"Just checking, no need to get an attitude." She said, making me roll my eyes.
We planned to go separately for the trip, she was almost the second trimester, so as a precaution we thought it'd be best if she took a train there instead and I would go a day ahead to settle in and hangout.
Landing in Indiana was a blur, the whole drive out was boring and I practically stumbled into Bumpy Roads, where Vi squeezed the air out of me then promptly made me go to bed. I then woke up to hear her voice and I thought it was some kind of dream as I walked the same steps down just to see her, even after all these years she still looks like the same Caspian I met. A raven haired beauty.
"Is the new guy here yet?" I somehow found my voice in the jumbled mess of my brain and like smooth slow motion She turned to look at me in surprise.
Just her eyes alone made me turn into jello on the spot.
After the first encounter she pretty much spent the remainder of the day avoiding me. She slept through dinner so the day I had without Danielle was gone and spent so I was disappointed at getting no true chance to be with her.
But I guess it's better to not be in temptations way.
The next morning I had to get up early to pick Danielle up from the station. She was surprisingly quiet the whole way to the house and said timid hellos to Vi and everyone else at breakfast.
"I told that girl to be up early." Vi sighed. "I'll go get Caspian."
And just like that, Danielle was on red alert mode. Vi came back downstairs with no Caspian so I sighed in relief.
"Caspian, be a dear and bring some napkins in here." Vi called out.
Seconds later Cass came shuffling in with a roll of paper towels, handing them off to Vi. She was in a giant sweater that practically swallowed her whole, and her hair, tied up in a messy bun. I gulped and Danielle didn't take her eyes off of her for a second.
As she sat down they started some conversation about travel, and Danielle spoke up, saying Caspian's name. And Caspian hardly acknowledged what Danielle had said, and with the way Danielle's jaw tightened I could tell just how much she was irked.
And then Danny came in, sitting right her.
"Good morning beautiful." We're the words I was supposed to be saying, but lost the right to along with the girl. Watching her eyes widen as she began to choke on seemly nothing. She looked at me making my insides tighten.
Was she worried about me? About what I'd think?
And is it only me who finds the irony in the fact that we both have these people beside us that we'd never go for if we were actually still together. And that their names are the male and female version of each other?
And somehow in between all this chaos in my Head April had arrived, bringing even more tension to the room that was already bursting at the seams.
I wish she'd just leave.
Introductions were made one in which Danielle reminded me, and revealed that we were engaged to be married. Dread flooded through me as I saw Caspian looking towards the dumb heirloom on Danielle's hand.
I wished to tell her that it was nothing to be envious of, was she even jealous? Did she even care? One look from her and she left all of my questions unanswered as she simply looked away.
And I think that hurt more than any other reaction she could've given me, her not caring at all hurt far worse.
And the next day with the physical labor Vi failed to mention in her invitation wasn't so bad. It gave me flashbacks of how many hours I spent driving this old lawn mower while listening to David Bowie just to get some gas money.
Everything was getting finished up around noon, we all started early before the sun could reach its highest peak, and I finally decided to indulge myself and went to go find her. And she was stood with April, wiping the sweat off her forehead as she nodded to whatever April was saying.
I don't even fully remember everything I had said, mostly due to the fact that I couldn't hear over my own heart beating. April excused herself from the picture and I could tell just how much Caspian didn't want to be out here with me.
So I apologized about the engagement like a bumbling idiot and she asked me if I was happy?
And what kind of monster would I be if I told her I wasn't?
That being within such a close distance from her, loving her and not being able to have her is the most painful thing I've been through?
So out of fear of her rejection, or worse the temptation of her acceptance I told her I was happy.
***
The events of the wedding went by in a blur. As I was shamelessly too distracted by Caspian to pay attention to anything else. The worst was listening to vows and keeping eye contact with her, I wanted to look away, maybe even tell her to knock it off, but this could possibly be the last time I see her look at me this way. And I feel like I think this every time that I think it's the last time.
How many times had we said goodbye?
And I don't know why it finally hit me then, but watching as tears spilled down her cheeks I saw everything I was going to miss. From her quick wit, to her restless sleep, the way we both always seemed to take care of each other, all those years just spent growing, only to get ripped apart? To lose my other half?
And in that moment I knew, this wasn't the last time I was going to see that loving look from my Caspian. I dare to not believe that fate can be this cruel. And I found myself making a promise, that no matter what, she's going to be in my life. She's going to be in the words I sing, the lessons I teach my own child, she's going to come around again. I can't just give up. And she'll probably be pissed that I'm still going to try, even after she told me that we have to stay away for good. I have concluded that if I wait it out long enough, she'll come back to me.
So after watching her run out of the reception after making quite the dramatic speech, I knew she would be on the run again. And I had to let her go.
And that was one of the hardest things I've had to do.
Because in life you want things to happen quickly. You want to get to the good parts, you want to fast forward through all the hardships, the heartbreaks and the bullshit. But you don't get to appreciate the good parts without all of the bad.
I'll wait as long as it takes. And if it wasn't meant to be, I'll know.
And I'll be okay.