Five days, that's how long I had to get used to the idea of everyone I knew knowing that I was gay.
Was it a comfortable experience, no; did I regret it, also no.
But, how was I supposed to deal with news like that? All throughout high school and college I had gone through like I was just like any other student. I repressed these feelings I had when I was little. Now here I was telling everyone I knew that I was getting married to a man, by choice. In exactly a week from now I'd be at my own engagement party. I couldn't picture it.
I can't of course deny the fear that was building up inside me; I was strangely calm but still I was afraid. Afraid of what might happen after I made this commitment. I may have commitment issues, I know that. It was one of the reasons why my previous relationships didn't really work out.
I feared marriage itself, not marrying him. I love him and I now know that I want to be with him. No, I need to be with him. But the question of whether I was ready to marry him just kept picking at me. Maybe this is what they called 'cold feet' but no... I will not back away from it, I didn't want to. I will marry him, not because it's arranged, not because of the money, I will marry him because I loved him.
Because I want him to be mine, and only mine.
The image of his smile flashed into my head and the presence of his kiss came again. Tracing my lips with my fingers I smiled unknowingly. Just the thought of him, just those mental images were enough to send my mind into a spiral of uncontrollable thoughts that were new to me. They were strong enough to make my heart race.
I stared out through the large windows, and outside in the large garden that I had never bothered to wonder was a white event tent. The flaps swayed in the wild wind while the sun shone like it was just another summer day. I couldn't comprehend that this was really happening. That I was getting married.
I told myself of this reality but no matter how much I told myself it all felt all too surreal. I knew why it felt that way. It was because I never thought that something like this would ever happen. It didn't necessarily feel wrong, strange perhaps but not wrong. The men outside went in and out from the tent taking chairs and tables and decorative items.
A week..
I took a step outside and despite the sun shining it was still mildly cold, leaving an essence of Autumn. I didn't know people got married in Autumn, but I couldn't complain it was one of my favourite seasons. The colour change of the trees was indeed an magnificent view, I always even as a child like to stare the Autumn trees and watch the sway in the cool wind.
"Exited?" said a voice from my left, I jumped at the unsuspected voice. My nerves settled when I saw Haden's mother standing beside me. When had she gotten here? She somehow looked different today her hair was blonde and her face youthful.
I smiled at her. Yes I was excited amongst other things, but I didn't want to seem like a fool in front of my mother-in-law.
"Mrs. Smith, what are you doing here?" I asked. It wasn't meant to sound rude or anything of the kind.
"Mrs. Smith?" she raised an eyebrow at me with a stone serious look on her face. Then the expression settled and a smile stretched on her face. "Never call me Mrs. Smith, Derek. I'm like your mother now. Call me Lisa. Darling" She said, her smile stretched further and her hazel eyes glistened. "Everything seems to be going according to plan" she stated and brushed her hair away from her slender face.
She was the one who was taking the initiative in this whole wedding. She herself managed to organize everything after going through all the trouble of cancelling everything. That memory of when all of this didn't happen just made my chest ache. I didn't like to think about it anymore. I had bigger things to worry about, like how I was going to do this.
"Anyway, I'm here to take my new son-in-law out shopping" She said bringing her arms to her hips and grinning at me. She seemed like a nice person but my instincts have been proven wrong.
"O-kay" I replied sceptically, I felt my stomach turn, it was a pleasant and a not so pleasant feeling.
Saying I was nervous would be an understatement. This was the first time ever that I was spending time with his mother and every time I did something I would end up wondering whether that was the correct thing to do or whether I could do things a better way. It was like I was trying to impress her.
Fine, I was trying to impress her, I didn't want her to hate me... it was not like I knew what she had heard about me. So it was up to me to figure out what to do and what not to do. After having lunch at a restaurant she suggested that we go into some shops and look for something that could wear for my wedding and the engagement ceremony.
Shopping with her was not easy. She was easily distracted by shoes and dresses...and handbags.. anything really. So in the end we ended up walking in to too many shops and ended up carrying way to many bag filled with designer brand shoes and handbags. Guess who ended up carrying them... Me.
She took me into shops that I would never go by myself or go at all. I mean why would I walk into Gucci so I could buy a pair of $3000 shoes, I was perfectly happy with my normal shoes.
The final store she dragged me into was Giorgio Armani. When we walked into the store Lisa grabbed hold of my arm and tugged me towards the suites.
"This would be perfect on you" she almost squealed like a little girl while feeling the black fabric. "Wait, maybe we should go with white for you...." She continued while tapping on her chin commenting to herself.
One thing I learned today was that she does not act her age; she was so energetic and at the same time down to earth, a bit like Tanya. Maybe this is what Tanya would end up when she is older. Wait, did she say White? God was she saying that I was the bride!
"No... I like this one...yeahhhh" she said and looked up at me. I smiled and nodded in approval at her. I mean it was very nice. It was like one of the suits that Haden always wore, but this had sheen to it and it looked more formal.
"Is there anything I could help with you Madame" said a male voice from behind us. Before I could turn Lisa answered the man.
"Yes. Could he try that one on" she said in more order like tone to the man without even bothering to look at him.
The bags that I held for her was stating we weigh even more. My arms were numb from holding on to so many bags. Why couldn't we just put these in the car!
Half an hour later, after making me try on almost every suit she thought would look perfect on me she decided that we was not happy with any. In the end we ended up buying a Tom Ford suit for me to wear for the party that was inching closer.
We sat in a café that reminded me a bit of Paris and stayed quietly. I didn't initiate the conversation and neither did she. We both sat quietly till finally she opened her mouth. She chewed on her red stained lip before speaking. "We never thought Haden would ever marry. Who knew he was into guys" she suddenly joked.
What did she mean by that anyway?
I gave her a questioning look and she smiled at me and decided to elaborate "when we first suggested he see you he was strictly against it, but then to our surprise once he got back he accepted it" she shrugged.
My eyes grew wider. Wait. he accepted the marriage that's why I was getting married to him.
A flashback from that day at the restaurant crossed through my mind. It was the exact moment I suggested to him that both of us decline this offer. He agreed to it, but then.... He went home and said he would do it. It didn't make sense to me.
Then it occurred to me. What he said before about how he knew it was me. He loved me. So he accepted this because it was me?
"what's with that face honey. You're acting like you didn't even know that he accepted this whole arrangemen-" she paused though the end of her sentence and gasped to herself as if she just realized that I had no idea of what actually happened.
I kept my eyes on her hands, her fingers played around with the silver tea spoon that she had gotten with her tea.
"I'm glad that everything is going according to plan, after I cancelled everything I never really thought that we would be able to pull it together at the last minute" she grinned at me shrugging off the little slip up she had minutes ago.
"Are you saying that Haden had made the decision to marry me from the start?" I asked her in a monotone. My eyes still watched her hands play with the spoon.
"Y-yes. Of course. He had to marry someone of our choosing but there wasn't really a restriction to it. He always had the freedom to reject the partners we chose. Which I have to say he did way too many times. We never really thought he would accept this one." she said in a low voice and lowered her face when I looked at her.
He accepted it on purpose.
He lied to me when he said he didn't want to marry me?
He Lied.
-----------------
I sat on my bed twiddling my thumbs in utter boredom. It was four in the morning and I still was awake. In my mind I was counting down the days.
Four days.
Haden wasn't still back from wherever he was. I couldn't help but wonder how I would react when I saw him again. I had to get myself under control. My mind tended to wonder to that exact moment in the hospital. Embarrassing as it was I couldn't resist but relive it.
The sound of a door suddenly slamming sent my blood into frenzy. It was him...Well I hoped it was him.
I swung my legs over the bed and tip toped to the door. Leaning my ear against the cold door I listened. I heard footsteps' getting louder, someone was coming up the stairs. My heart raced as I listened.
Suddenly a loud knock came at my door. The sound made me jump away from the door with a quiet yelp. I stepped away from the door, pondering whether I should open it or not. I had an idea of who it could be and that's exactly why I didn't want to do anything. Maybe I should just pretend that I was asleep.
I covered my mouth with my hand and held my breath thinking that whoever was on the other side would not know that I was up. Why was I behaving like such a pansy?
A second set of knocks followed and then a moment of silence fell. I stood without moving an inch praying for the person to walk away. Then just as I wished I heard the footsteps going away.
I sighed in relief and wiped my imaginary sweat of my forehead.
When morning fell, I woke up the sound of utter chaos. It was like the entire house was in panic. What was going on down stars?
I rushed down in my night wear and suddenly came to a halt when I saw Haden standing at the foot of the stairs with his mother. I took a quite step back hoping that nothing gave away my presence.
"So Haden, are you ready?" Lisa asked him. Their backs were facing me. I watched them quietly.
Haden laughed at Lisa's question and propped his hands on his hips "Thank you for doing this, Lisa" he said after a moment of silence. Lisa? Why did he call his own mother Lisa?
"You might not be my biological son Haden, but I would prefer if you called me 'Mother'... you're like a son to me. actually, no,... you are my son" Lisa said. My grip tightened on the railing as I listened to their conversation.
"Fine, Mother.." He said shaking his head. I could imagine him almost rolling his eyes as he said that.
"Have you spoken to him since you got back?" she asked him.
"I went by his room this morning, but I think he was asleep" he sighed.
This odd cold electric feeling pulsed through me as he spoke.
I slowly took another step back, the stare creaked. Damn you wood! I mentally yelled at it. Haden and Lisa turned around at the sound in unison. Haden's eyes widened and Lisa smiled.
"Good morning, Derek" she greeted me.
I grinned at them awkwardly and ran up the stairs while pulling my loose pyjama pants up as I ran. Stupid pants they were on the verge of slipping off.
I ran into my room and closed the door behind me and slid to the ground and sat there catching my breath. I felt like an idiot for doing that. great.
My body calmed at the door then a knock came. The sound vibrated through the door and all through the room. I slid away from it and sat staring at the door. My chest felt tight as I stood and reached for the door.
When I opened it and Haden stood there at the door way. I forced a smile on my face as he pushed through the door.
"Good morning, Derek" he said melodically as he closed the door behind him. His black Italian shoes tapped on the floor as he walked towards me. A smile was stretched across his lips.
"good morning" I said simply and avoided eye contact.
I slowly sneaked a glance at him. He had his hands shoved into the pockets of his office pants. "look at me Derek..." He said in almost a whisper and walked closer to me. I felt his cold finger tips touching my face. He slowly slid his fingers down to my chin and lilted my head up.
"and now I want an honest answer from you okay Derek?" he asked smiling and nodding his head.
"sure." I muttered.
He broke contact with me skin and took a step back. "Tell me exactly how you feel about this arrangement" he asked.
His question caught me off guard, I thought he was just going to ask me whether love him or something. I didn't even know how to answer this question.
"I..." my eyes wondered around the room wondering what I should say. My mind was a complete blank "how do I feel?" I muttered to myself aloud without realizing it. "umm. I, I think. I think that I wouldn't mind getting married to you Haden" I said. whether that was the most appropriate thing to say or not was beyond me. But that was how I genuinely felt.
My eyes found his face. He smiled to himself and looked at the ground for a moment then licked his drying lips. "you wouldn't mind huh?"
"yes, sometimes I do wonder whether I'm doing this for the right reasons. But if it's to you, I wouldn't mind " God. What was I saying? I couldn't believe what was coming out from my mouth. I felt my face growing red. He noticed my embarrassment and her smiled.
"Okay.. then how about this...." His voice trailed with a chuckle. I tilted my head in wonder.
He gave his pants a small tug up before kneeling on...one.. knee. Wait.
My chest tightened and then it went cold. The cold electric feeling passed through my body, kicking alive every part of my body.
"I was going to do this last night when I got back... but..." he paused and stuck his right hand into his pocket and pulled out a box. a small box.
He propped the box in front of me and I took an unsteady step back as I stared at the small box. I stared at it with my lips parted.
"Derek Anderson. Will you marry me?" He slowly opened the box as he spoke. It took a moment for it clearly register in my head. I chocked on the air as I watched him in front of me on his knee proposing.
"Yes" I muttered unconsciously.
The ring shone as the morning light hit it. My lips parted and I nodded again and again. My heart squeezed tight as he carefully grabbed hold of my hand was pushed the ring. I stared at our hands as he did so.
I loved him so much. It was to the point that I knew if I accepted it I would go crazy.
He smiled at me and raised his eyebrow and that smile brought me to my limit. My chest ached in pain, pleasurable pain. I flung my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. This wasn't like me. I wasn't this forward but I didn't mind it. I liked this feeling.
I love this feeling of being loved.
"I love you Derek" he whispered into my ear and ran his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes at the sensation of his hands brushing my hair.
"I love you too" I whispered back hesitantly and pulled my face away from the crook of his neck and looked at him. His glossy eyes reflected my feelings and I couldn't help but get lost in them. Those dark eyes of his were amazing. They were the first things I liked about him.
His hands slid down my sides as he peered into my eyes.
"I know this whole marriage didn't start off the best way. But I wanted to get at least this right." He said. Our faces grew closer together. My eyes wondered all over his face till they landed on his lips that looked so....
He licked his lips before pressing them against mine. Sensual that was the world. His kiss sent my mind into frenzy. His soft lips that pressed against mine as he sucked the life right out of me.
Our lips parted I playfully bit his lips as his tongue wondered into my mouth. The kiss tasted of mint and chocolate; I couldn't help but need more. I pressed my lips tighter against his and my hands grabbed his hair as I kissed him. It sent prickly sparks throughout my body.
It was as if I had completely lost control of my body.
oh what! two updates in one night!
no, no you're not dreaming. this is a double update. I've tapped into something good. which could mean that this book might be finished before the end of the week!
ALSO GUESS WHAT!!
Have you Guys heard how they're making the Mortal Kombat movie?? Guess who's in it!! ME! I AM IN A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE :P