It's been about a month since I got kicked out. Even though I live with Clarke I barely see her. School, working at a restaurant and then basketball concessions leave me exhausted. Most nights I don't come home until 10 and then I sit at the kitchen table or the desk in Abby's office to get my homework completed. I'm lucky to crawl into bed by midnight. Several nights Clarke has come down stairs to find me asleep. She will gently wake me up and then help me up the stairs to her room. One night it was so bad that we both just cuddle up on the couch. It sucks not being able to be with her all the time. She makes an effort though to see me as much as possible. Clarke works at a daycare until six. So when she gets off work sometimes she will bring me dinner and eat with me during the short breaks I get. She also tries to pick me up once a week because she hates that I take the bus. Hopefully in a few more weeks I can get a car. Abby claimed that if I kept pushing myself I wasn't going to make it and that I need rest. "Doctor's orders" she said as I reluctantly called in to work so I could have the weekend over.
"Hey babe" Clarke wraps her arms around me as she approaches her car after school. "You ready for this?"
"An entire weekend where I get to spend every minute snuggled up to my beautiful girlfriend watching every Harry Potter movie?" I kiss her forehead "Not at all. Think I would rather be working honestly."
"I mean if that's what you want. I'm sure Bell would watch with me." I know she's joking but that kind of hurt.
"Did I just hear someone say my name?" Of course he had to be walking past us at that exact moment.
Bellamy walks over to us. Clarke let's go of me. I grab her hand which she reluctantly lets rest in mine. Why is she like this? It just makes me more worried. It's happened a lot recently. I notice the release of the hand or the extra space between us when certain people are around. It's the worst around Bellamy half the time in Spanish it's like I'm not even there. I just watch them converse about anything and everything. I'm not even paying attention to the conversation until I feel Clarke's hand slip. I snap back to reality only to see Clarke nudging Bellamy's shoulder and laughing. It's truly like I'm not even there and I know I must stop it. Without a second thought I wrap my arms around her midsection in hug and start laughing along with them. I kiss Clarke on the cheek several times. I want to make sure they both know that I'm still very much next to them. Clarke shoves me away though. If that's how she is going to be then I'm not going to be around her. I begin walking down the sidewalk I don't really care that it is only 25 degrees I don't want to be in the car with her.
"Hey Lexa you need a ride?" Octavia pulls up beside me.
"Umm sure. Don't really know to where though" I jump in her truck. We don't move.
"I saw the whole Bellamy thing. I don't blame you for walking away but you are going to need to talk to her about it. You know she probably doesn't realize what she is doing."
"I know but she knows how I feel when he's around. She use to always make sure I was okay with who ever she was with. And I don't really care because I'm not going to be that girlfriend but lately she has seem distant like she won't even hold my hand" I don't want to let my emotions get the better of me. "Hell she didn't even try to come after me."
"I give it about 30 seconds until she calls." And just like my phone rings. I look at her confused. "I can still see her from the rear view mirror. Now give me that" She takes the phone and puts it on speaker.
"Lexa where the hell are you?" She sounds more angry than concerned.
"She's with me. Since you were with one Blake she decide to go with the other" Octavia smiles at me. "Don't worry I'm returning her now." With that she hangs up and drives me to Clarke's car. I get out nervously waiting for this conversation. Instead of accepting the hug Clarke reached for I walk to the passenger side and get in. Octavia and Clarke are in the middle of a conversation right now so I pull out my phone. I'm drawn away from the screen by a slam of her door. She doesn't say a word instead drives off. We have passed both streets to get to her house. Within minutes I realize the destination, the waterfront. She gets out of her car and starts walking, not even looking back to see if I'm following. Of course I am. I just made sure she had her keys and the door was locked. We walk for a bit until she suddenly stops and I recognize the spot. She turns around quickly.
"Do you know where we are at?" I nod knowing she did want me to speak. " This is the place you kissed me. This is the place where my entire world changed. This is the place I come to almost every night no matter how cold it's been because it reminds me of you. I miss you Lex. I know you are going through hard times right now and I know you feel responsible for taking care of yourself and don't want to take anything from anybody. But Jesus Christ Lexa let me help you. Call it selfish if you want but I don't want you working that second job. I want you home with me. I mean seriously I have seen you less in this last month than another time and we live in the same house. I don't think either of us are happy with how things are going right now but you can tell me if I'm wrong." She pauses.
"I'm not happy but what's new? It still doesn't explain the whole you not wanting to hold my hand or talk to me or be around me. Lexa if you don't want me to live with you or you're really not happy then tell me so I can leave. But please don't make me feel like shit because I have enough people to do that. "
"Lexa I" she starts crying. I wasn't expecting that. I pull her in for a kiss because that's the only thing I can thing of. When I pull away I keep my hand on the back of her neck, resting my forehead on hers. "I'm so sorry. Lexa baby I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think for a minute that I don't want living with me. I want you there but more than you are now. The little time we get together isn't enough. I was acting that was to see if you would even notice because in honesty I thought I was loosing you."
"Yes I noticed from the first time you didn't kiss me back in the hallway but you should have talked to me about. And you definitely didn't need to take it that far with Bellamy today."
"You're right I shouldn't have. It was wrong and there is no excuse. But you scared me to death when I turned around and you weren't there. Thank you for at least answering your phone when I called. Well Octavia answer and I don't think she is too happy with me right now." We crack a smile at that.
"Yea I hope she didn't give you too hard of a time."
"She told me just what I needed to hear." I smile.
"I love you."
"I love you too. But I think I would love you more if we were not in this freezing weather." She rubs her hands up and down her arms, shivering.
"You were the one that drove us here." I kiss her.
"I know. I know. Everything is my fault." She jokes taking my hand as we walk down the path..
"You're not wrong. I mean just think about if you weren't so damn attractive I would probably still be in the closet hating myself." I smile but her face goes cold.
"So what your saying is I'm the reason you got kicked and I'm the reason your life went to shit." Well didn't think it was going to go there.
"I'm mean if that's how you see it. I see you as the best thing that has ever happened to me." I spin her around, " Seriously Clarke where would I be if I never kissed you?"
"At home with your family not nearly as stressed out as you are." Her tone is serious.
"I may be less stressed but I wouldn't be home or with a family that loved me. Plus I'd be hating myself and really really unhappy with who I am." We walk the rest of the way hand in hand silent.
"So are we good?" She asks as we reach the car.
"It depends how much your little detour put us off schedule for the movie marathon." I tickle her sides but she's not feeling it. "Clarke yes we are fine. Just promise you will talk to me about it next time." She smiles as I kiss her freezing nose.
"Okay" her smile fades "What does this mean though are you quitting a job?"
"I will talk with Abby about the best option but if I drop a job I might pick up some volunteer work or something. Obviously not for as many hours." She nods and we both get into the car.
On the drive home she holds my hand and I sing her songs the whole way home. She smiles but I can tell she isn't okay. We get there I run over to her door and throw her over my shoulder and walk in side. She is laughing as I carry her all the way to her bed.
"Im going downstairs to get the movies and snacks when I come back up you better be in your pajamas." I grab a pair of sweats of the floor and quickly change. Then sprint down the stairs to make two cups of hot chocolate, grab the chips Clarke bought then to grab the first two movies because that was the plan for tonight. I carry everything up to her room putting in the movie. Clarke is under the covers. I slip off my shirt leaving me in my sports bra and climb in next to her. She snuggles up to me with her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her pulling her close.