(A/N: My girl bunniesinablanket loves drama so I tried to make it as emotionally dramatic for you. Next chapter will be worse cause we are going inside Emma's head. hehehe)
Turning Tables - Adele
Harry
I can't stop bounce my fucking knee up and down and there are so many thoughts racing through my mind I can't keep a single thing straight.
It's that time and I am fucking nervous about it.
I'm cold and hot all at once.
My heart is beating a mile a minute.
My hands are sweaty and shaky.
Like I said before, I'm nervous.
So fucking nervous in fact that the only way I can calm myself is by thinking of my girl just on the other side of the wall. I just have to keep reminding myself that whatever I'm feeling in this moment is nothing compared to what Em's going to feel when she walks out and realizes what I've done.
This is her life, her past on the pages clutched between my fingertips. I want to know everything, every emotion big or little that she felt just as she wrote it down here. But writing it is vastly different to sitting down with the one you love and explaining it.
It'll be hard. It'll probably be tearful. She might want to fight me or run off and be alone. But it's time, I can feel it.
After I what Em said back in the outdoor shower I just knew it was time for this. It was just after I had experienced a kind of closeness that I had never felt before, even with Emma. We were more connected than ever before.
That was her taking the first step. Em revealing that one particular feeling to me was the green light to this conversation whether she knows it or not.
In the moment after she finished speaking and before I kissed her I could tell she was second guessing herself, maybe even on the road to regretting what she had just said. Well I couldn't have that.
So instead of telling her I showed her it was going to be okay, that I was going to keep my word and stick around this time no matter what she told me. It's going to be difficult. Fuck I can already feel my heart speeding up and my throat closing in anticipation of what Em's going to say and she hasn't even stepped into the room yet, not to mention I have already read everything.
I should be calmer that this.
But I know I'm not prepared. I know I'm going to have to sit here, listen, and watch her struggle with no way to alleviating any of it for her. I'm going to have to sit back and watch the love of my life struggle and I can't take it away, I can't make her feel better or calm her mind. All I'll be able to do is sit back, listen, and hold her.
And I will. Nothing and no one, not even Emma, can keep me from doing so.
Emma is my world and I'll try my absolute best to keep her together.
I don't think this will break us, not one bit, but I'm worried that this conversation might set us back, fuck up all the progress we've made on this trip. It wouldn't be her fault of course, I'm just worried that she might let all the pent up feelings she has about the past blind her to all we have achieved.
I lean back in on the couch and clutch the leather bound journal in my hands not daring to open it without her here. I'm holding it so tight my hands are getting clammy and I'm worried it might slip right through my fingers.
The shower being turned off momentarily pulls me from my nerves only to get them going two times as much when I realize that this is about to happen.
Fuck.
What is she going to say? Will she sit down and get on with it or will she fight me and ultimately reject the idea?
Knowing my girl there will be a little bit of both but no matter how she reacts we are having this conversation. We are starting this so we can finally and sincerely put the past behind us and leave it there where it belongs. Once we've gotten through this, although it will always be there, it won't be weighing us down.
Where will she start?
Will she start with what happened with her dad? Or start with something more recent and work her way back?
Does she want me to ask questions? Prompt her... it might make this easier but hell if I know where to begin.
Maybe I should come up with something to say instead of putting it all on her. Maybe tell her how I felt when I read it...heartbroken, terrified, elated, scared, grateful.
Fuck this isn't going to be easy.
"So Harry, I was wondering can we order room service tonight?" I don't move as I hear her walk into the room from behind me, her sweet and tired voice filling the silence of the room. "I'm already in my pajamas and the thought of putting real pants on now is the absolute last thing I–"
Slowly I look up at her, knowing exactly why she's stopped talking. She's standing by the end of the couch, mouth slightly agape, and her eyes wide. I can tell she's stopped breathing completely blindsided.
I scootch to the edge of the couch giving the journal a little flourish and sending Em a small smile. "I think it's a good time for this love."
I hold my breath as she slowly walks toward me, careful of every step. When she sits down my girl doesn't lean close to me like she normally would but rather sits herself down a safe ways away, her legs straight in front of her and her hands folded in her lap.
It's very un-Emma and with what we are about to talk about she needs to be herself. This means she needs to be closer so I pat the cushion next to me, signaling that I want her to come over but she doesn't move.
"Seems rather distant Em."
Determined I place the journal on my other side, lean over, bring her legs to rest over my lap, and gently place my arm around the back of the couch almost like I'm framing her into me.
"That's better," planting a kiss on her temple and breathing in her coconut shampoo. She smells magnificent and it calms me down. Only wish I could do the same for her.
I give her a reassuring look hoping that it'll help but knowing that it won't do very much. Emma is stuck in her head now trying to figure out where to start or if she should start at all.
So I do the first thing that comes to mind. I kiss her. It's not a big kiss or a lustful one. I just want to show her it's okay now, no matter what she's about to say it'll be okay.
With one last peck on her lips I bring my hand up to brush aside some hair that's fallen on her cheek.
"Just start anywhere... there's no wrong way, promise I'm here."
Emma takes a deep breath and grabs the journal, thumbing through the pages until she reaches the end and then back again.
It's almost like she's looking something. Maybe something particular and specific that she wants to bring up.
Or maybe just a spark, a certain word or event that might urge her on.
"Harry I..."
Her voice is just above a whisper, air flowing through her lips in almost a forced and painful manner. I watch helpless as my girl doesn't know what to do. One moment she's biting her lip the other she pushing her fingers through the ends of her hair.
"Emma why don't you–"
"I blamed you."
What!?
"When you left I... there was a small part of me that blamed you. I was left behind. Alone and sad. I had no one and I blamed you."
I do not remember reading that!
"It was stupid and irrational to think that way, I know but... even then you meant the world to me and all of a sudden I was just left with my mom and dad and– I missed you and I blamed you for it."
"Um okay."
What the hell else am I supposed to say to all that? I knew we would be going back into our past but that far? I had no say in what my family did or where we lived? It wasn't my fault at all that she was alone. I was heartbroken, well as heartbroken as a kid could be at that age but it wasn't like I was doing it on purpose.
"Sorry but I needed to say that. I know I didn't write it down but after the last couples weeks we've had I was reminded of it. That feeling seems so insignificant after everything and I guess I wanted to say it as a way to show my mindset back then." She continues, still looking down and thumbing her fingers over the edges of the paper.
"I wasn't strong enough, I tried but it wasn't enough and that's because I didn't feel like I had a reason to." She's still not looking at me. "I didn't have you so why even try? So I didn't. I let things happen didn't I? It was my fault."
And now it all makes sense.
As I watch her eyes well up with tears, blaming herself for everything that happened I finally understand that this has nothing to do with me or whether I was there or not. Emma thinks she gave up and is the reason she got hurt but it's not and I can't have her thinking it.
Emma fought. She stood up for herself best she could and continues to do so.
I wish she saw herself the way I see her. Strong, independent, gorgeous...
"I'm messing this all up aren't I?" She mumbles before hiding her face in her hands, suddenly taking deep breath after deep breath.
"No, no you're not love just..." I don't know what on earth she should do. "Um, just keep going."
I place my hand on her knee and give her a reassuring squeeze. Her gaze falls down to our contact and stays there.
Please look at me.
"I don't know if I can Harry," she whispers, still not daring to look in my direction.
Well I can't be having that.
"Emma look at me."
Nothing.
"Em please look at me baby," I coo into her ear, moving my arm from the couch to hug her shoulders as I use my other hand to remove hers.
Her skin is impossibly cold and her whole body is trembling. I know it's not from the temperature of the room but rather all her nerves and fears bubbling up and taking over her system.
Maybe I should have grabbed her inhaler before I kicked all this off.
I lift her chin up so I can meet her gaze and when I do there is a part of me that wishes I didn't. Her eyes are bloodshot and slightly swollen, physical evidence that she is holding herself back from completely unhindging.
She needs to know she can. My girl needs to know that she can completely let go and fall apart because I'll be here every time to pick up the pieces and put her back together when she can't herself.
Even though it's painful, I look deep into her eyes, leaning in close in the hope to really get my point across.
"I know you can do this Em. I know."
"How can you possibly know?"
"Because I know you Emma. Because I read every word of this and a weak person couldn't have done that let alone anything written down in it. You are so strong Emma. You've achieved and overcome so fucking much and with little or support help. No normal person could do that."
All she does is look back at me, frozen.
"You read it?"
I nod, "every word."
"And you're still here."
"Of course I am. I know I have been a twat in the past but I'm not that person anymore. I'm not going anywhere."
Slowly Emma leans in and places her head on my chest as she turns her attention back to the words on the page, finally stopping on a page and tracing her fingers of some of the words.
She chuckles to herself and it makes my heart beat a little harder at the gleeful sound. "You did look really dorky in those shorts you know."
Em's stalling.
"If I remember correctly you said I had grown out of it and that my dimples, and I quote 'make me swoon to this very day'. So I'd say I have more than made up for my questionable fashion choices back then."
I'm glad we have this moment because I know that soon enough it's going to get hard for her, far harder than just dealing with the anticipation of what's to come. She'll have to say the words and that is the hardest part of all. It's all fine and good and innocent when we're just talking about talking about it but now that the time has come I know the reaction is gonna be less than good.
"True but you were seriously a dorky kid..."
"Em..."
"And you never followed the rules..."
"Emma..."
"Always getting me into trouble with your grand ideas..."
"Emma come on." I say sternly but quietly. She's just making it harder for herself the longer she waits.
"I know, I know." Emma says pulling back from my embrace and turning to the page titled "That Night" and I swallow.
She's doing it. She's going to do it.
But then there is a moment. A moment the very air in the room shifts and not for the better.
The lightness is suddenly gone and her aggravation begins to bubble over.
"Look I don't understand why I have to go through it all with you," she snaps and I'd be hurt if I didn't know this was just her nerves talking. "I wrote it all down and you've read it so why isn't that enough."
Thought too soon.
"It happened. It's done" She continues taking a breath getting visibly emotional as she pulls away from me entirely. "That's enough of it. I've spent years dealing with it already, why bring it all up again huh?"
Her words are stern but her voice is not. As she speaks her tone gets more weak and breathy like she's reaching the end of her rope and she is. You might be thinking I should be worried by all that she's saying but I know her and all this is Em's way of building up. She'll push and push and push until it's too much to handle and it will all come spilling out and I hate that she has to go through it but it's the only way to move forward.
Let it go and finally be able to breath again.
"He hurt me alright. My... my dad came home one night and I didn't do as he said and he hurt me."
"Baby I understand," I attempt to console her and calm her down but it backfires.
"No you don't! Harry I love you but you can never understand what happened."
Then fucking make me understand.
I want to scream. I want to yell just like she is but I know I can't because this has nothing to do with me or us. This is about Emma finally letting go of what happened with her dad all those years ago and freeing herself from it. I might sound like a clingy pushy bastard at the moment but this is what's best for her and in the end it will do our relationship a world of good.
"Then explain it."
"But it's none of your business," she wails at me getting up and moving about the room. "You don't need to know."
"First of all I already know the gist of it but what happened still has this hold on you and I want to help you go of it."
"No it doesn't Harry, it doesn't." Her movements are sluggish, she's about to break I just have to help her hold on until that moment.
I stand up from the couch and walk over to her. She's not looking in my direction so when I place my hand on her shoulder I feel her jump under my hold and completely recoil from me.
Suddenly she's frantic and terrified. It reminds me of the morning I woke up to her screams. I know now what she was dreaming about but now that I know what she was seeing in her head it breaks my heart even more.
She moves her body all the way back until it hits the wall. It's like she's in her whole world and all she can see is that night. I watch completely helpless as she brings her hands up to her shoulders as she looks down at herself, I just wish I knew what exactly she is thinking about but...
"I can still feel him... I can still feel his hands on me."
And there it is.
In one moment her head is buried in her hands again and she slides down against the wall and to the floor.
I absolutely hate seeing her like this. It's hard but I know this is the right thing. It's therapeutic to let it all go once and for all. Just by saying it out loud she can hopefully let it all go and if not then I'll be here to help carry it with her.
She takes in a shaky breath almost as if everything rides on this one particular moment.
Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't but it's certainly happening.
"He always did the same thing. Every night was the same," she whimpers as if recalling every second of that night. "He'd leave, drink, come back, drink, sleep until the process began the next day. I hated it. He was my dad and all of a sudden he wasn't anymore."
I want to hold her against me, let my fingers slide over her hair, kiss her temple but I'm so petrified of making the wrong move that might send her over the edge entirely that I just stand still.
"All I wanted was the old him back. I had already lost you I didn't want to lose him too. I was just too stupid to know I already had," Em continues with tears streaming down her face.
Everything in me pushes me to say she isn't stupid, that what she did to stand up to him was brave but I'm paralyzed by the heartbroken girl before me.
I didn't know it would feel like this, completely totally helpless and she hasn't even got to the physical part yet. When I spoke to Steve about it over the holiday I could barely stomach his description of what she was like in the hospital, all the injuries she had but now, about to hear her first hand account of that night, is far far worse.
This is my girl, my baby, my life and I let some sad excuse for a man hurt her to the brink of disrepair.
I hope to see Marcus again because this time I won't be drunk and I'll actually let him pay for what he did to her.
"I wanted him back. I wanted my old dad back so I just got up that night and dumped all this liquor out," she begs as if still that small girl hoping to change things. "Out of sight, out of mind but I didn't realize that it was the only thing on his mind. It was never me or mom."
God I want to pummle to bastard.
"I didn't get out in time. He caught me there getting rid of the one thing that meant anything to him and he just snapped." Slowly she pulls back and looks at me with more fear written on her face than I have ever seen before.
"He... he kept calling me sweetheart. He was grabbing me and he kept calling me sweetheart..."
The tears track down her face freely but her breath doesn't. Her breathing is labored and uneven, shallow and rapid. I want to hold her, breath for her somehow but I can't do a single thing.
"Em," I whisper as I kneel down and place myself before her. "Emma?"
"His hands...they were so tight," she says rather quietly as she rubs each of her wrists in turn. "I can still see the bruises forming. It was instantaneous."
I don't like this. I don't like this at all... the tears are still falling, the breathing still uneven but she's impossibly resigned, quiet, a complete contrast to what actually happened.
"I could feel the pain and then I couldn't then I'd feel it again" she muses for a moment as her hands take a path over her shoulder and along her hip, she looks like a scared helpless animal. "I saw the blood, I saw the marks but I couldn't feel them, I was completely numb and then it all came flooding back in."
Keep it together, keep it together.
I have pictured this all before. Each moment I read this I could see it all clearly in my head but now that Em's telling her side, reliving that night, I can hardly stand it.
If I could go back, I would. I'd switch places with her in an instant. Feel it all for her.
"He was so pitiful kneeling in the broken glass trying to get back what I had taken from him. When he looked at me he was so cold, furious with me." Her face contorts as if she sees him again and then she looks up. "I had never been so scared of him. He was suppose to be the one to protect me and yet I knew he was going to hurt me."
She lets her hands lay down in her lap as she looks down at them shaking gently.
"I had time to run. If I tried harder I could have got away but the pain came back and I could barely get up let alone move."
As I listen to her I slide myself over and sit right beside her, finally able to put my arm around her and kiss her temple.
"He broke me Harry," she whimpers as she places her head on my shoulder. "He pinned me against the wall and broke me in more ways that one and I hate myself for letting him."
As soon as the words pass her lips she turns her body to me and buries he head in the crook of my arm and I instantly loop my arms around her holding her tighter than I probably should but I can't help it, she's my everything and I feel like I'm failing her.
___
A/N: Thought we'd start of with a little bit from Harry. Gonna go deep into Emma's POV next my lovelies.
Quick shout out to bunniesinablanket and her wonderful story Arranged to Him. She just started writing the sequel, Married to Him, and she's told me a few of her ideas and it's gonna be drama filled and magnificent. Be sure to read it!!
Also, a very nice reader of mine nominated Intent for the Band Fiction Awards (BandFictionAwards.) If you want to go over and leave a inline comment nomination that would be very much appreciated. (https://www.wattpad.com/424192856-band-fiction-awards-2017-nominations)
Thank you all for the wonderful support and continued readership. You all have a very special place in my heart, which says a lot because as shyla_stories knows I lean toward the evil side (if that wasn't already obvious given my story muahahahahahahaha). Also read her stories - Sweet Creature and then Woman!! Seriously, do it please. I have also left an absurdly alarming amount of comments in her stories so I hope they make you laugh.
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All the love, C.