Intent 2: Fight or Flight [Wattys 2017] (ON HOLD)

Chapter 3

Harry

"I was eight years old when my hero, my best friend, my safe place, moved to London...

At such a young age you don't truly understand what that kind of loss means but you feel it. It's like when you find out santa isn't real or that your parent's aren't the perfect people you make them out to be.

It felt like all those little revelations and truths that spring up as you grow up and twist your world view right around.

He was my hero because he defended me at school, he was my first and only friend back then, and every single afternoon, after school we would munch on homemade chocolate chip cookies for as long as I wanted until I had to go home-my safe place. He was a little bugger but he was there. We supported each other, got into trouble, had each other's backs, went on ridiculous adventures.

Harry was a staple in my life and then he was just gone.

At such a young age I didn't truly know he was all these important things but looking back now, Harry, was the most important person I had in my life."

She has me hanging on her every word. Whether it be the subtle curve of each letter or the eloquence of each selected word, she has my undivided attention at every word that she's written down.

It's a perfect, beautiful, intimate look into Em's wonderful mind. I only wish things had gone according to her plan and she was sat here right next to me. But she isn't.

Just as she has written down, I left her... once again.

I have no idea if she wrote all this with the intent that I would read it or if this was a coping exercise but it means the world to me because it's her.

This is so perfectly Emma.

"If I want to do this right so I guess I should start at the beginning.

I met Harry when I was four years old. He had the same unruly brown curls, the brightest green eyes you've ever seen, and pulled off our little preschool uniform (unflattering shorts and a red tucked in top) like a champ."

Naturally, I chuckle at her words. Em's right, those uniforms were bloody awful.

"God some things never change do they... well he's grown out of the shorts thank god, those would definitely be a deal breaker. Dimples haven't changed either, still make me swoon to this very day. If looks could kill..."

I can practically hear the chuckle she released when she wrote this down. That; sweet breathy sound that hasn't changed since we were that age.

"He was like the little brother I never had back then. He was a cheeky little devil, somehow always getting me into trouble but then being the gentleman and taking all of the heat. I'll never admit it but he had me hooked even then. I swear that kid could make even the coldest and hardest of hearts melt. I mean he got me didn't he? Well eventually anyway."

This makes me smile more then I have in the past few weeks.

It's funny really, when I think back on those times when we were children. Em's right, we haven't changed much. She was always headstrong and independent, never gave a shit about anyone but incredibly guarded. I don't think she had any other friends back then, she only ever confided in me.

I didn't quite understand why but I knew that I was a lucky little man that she chose me.

At the time I didn't see anything wrong with it because I got to be her friend. I must have been the luckiest block in grade school. Honestly she was the coolest even if no one else thought so.

But that isn't the way it should be is it? We all need people around us, people to lift us up and help us carry the burdens of life. I was the only one, then I left...

"We never got a chance to be anything more back then. We hadn't reached our teen years so all the hormones hadn't come in and when the time came to start being affectionate and exploring all those kinds of things we were worlds apart, mentally, emotionally, and most importantly physically. He was in London and I was living my own personal nightmare up in the north.

Maybe if he had been around the things I most regret wouldn't have happened. Maybe I wouldn't have slept around searching for a moment of relief, I wouldn't have gotten into ridiculous fights that had me suspended from school for days, and I probably wouldn't have been sent to boarding school to try and get my life into order.

I don't blame him of course. When you're young all you can do is follow your parent's. I guess what I'm getting at is that having Harry in your life is a good thing, always. At times it hardly even matters how he is there, what your relationship is, whether it be romantic or purely platonic, his very presence changes things.

I guess that's why I'm blurting this all out on the page right now. He walked away earlier and I realized something. If I want the beacon of light that Harry is in my life for the long haul then I need to tell him all this (oh god did I just write long haul...)

Writing it all down just comes naturally."

I need a drink but I don't lean forward to grab the bottle, it won't help. Em's being brutally honest, I need to be in my right mind for this. I need to take in every word, drink every moment all in like she expected me to. Like I've always wanted to.

So I do the only thing I can. I lean back, stare at the ceiling and breath. When I close my eyes all I see is her. How lively and innocent she was when we were little in primary school. How beautiful she was when I saw her after so many years on our first day at Oxford. How shocked and curious she was when I kissed her for the first time. How nervous and content she was when I made love to her for the first time. How surprised she was on christmas day when I showed her my tattoo.

There are so many more but I see it all. Every single moment between us flashes in my mind.

We were perfect, what we had was perfect and I fucked it all up beyond repair. I don't deserve this, I don't deserve to know her like this but she's surpassed herself yet again.

After what I did yesterday she still left this behind, Emma... an open book.

When I look down I find the words end there. The page isn't finished.

For a brief dreadful moment I fear that that's it but I slowly turn the page and find that there is more. I thumb through the entire book and find that there is page after page full of words, chapters of her life, open and pure.

On the next page I notice that on the top of the page, in big letters, she had written "That Night" and I know it's what Steve told me about, her nightmare.

I turn back to the front page and see that she had written "The Beginning" at the top of the front page.

She really put a lot into this. Liam was write, she had a plan, she wanted to tell me everything and I didn't let her.

It's awful but I almost don't want to go on but I have to. If Em was brave enough to give all of this then I'm bloody well gonna grow the balls to read it.

___

A/N: Sorry it's short but it's just the beginning. 

Also Happy Harry Styles Birthday Everyone!

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All the love, C.