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Someone once told me that one day I will have to come to terms with who I was. I knew who I was but I rejected it whole heartedly. This person told me then that one day I'd meet someone and I'd fall for them so hard that I'd be willing to overlook every wrong they have done. I said to this person then that this would never happen to me.... ever... I won't let it happen.
"Where is he?" I asked as I sat in what I later learnt to be a private hospital room.
"He is at his office Sir" The man replied.
I stayed silent "why is he there on a Saturday?"
The man raised his eyebrow amusingly, "It's not Saturday sir, it's Monday"
It couldn't be Monday. I only got back on Saturday!
"Monday?" I repeated out loud.
"Yes, sir, you've been asleep since you got back." His expression softened when he realized that I was oblivious to the events that had occurred in the past few days.
How could that be though, there was no way that I had slept for so long.
I have to go see him. When I tried to get out from the bed, the doctor objected and basically forced me to stay in bed. But when I finally left the room, I snuck out. I grabbed my wallet and the clothes that were in the closet. How convenient.
I snuck out, hailed a cab and before I knew it, I was at Haden's office building. I still felt dizzy, but I shook it off. There were more important things.
Stepping out of the car and looking up at the building the glare from the sun blinded me. My feet moved on their own, and as I approached the front doors my heart pounded against my chest faster and faster, harder and harder. The automatic doors opened welcomingly and the sweet aroma that filled the building came to my senses. I haled the sent deeply before approaching the front desk.
"Hello Sir!" an enthusiastic voice called from the front desk. I paused and turned my attention to her. A girl with Blond hair stared at me. Her eyes were lit and exuded happiness. She looked familiar to me, then I remembered who she was. She was the same girl that I had run into when I was here with.....Ash. I politely smiled and nodded acknowledging her presence in the room and continued walking.
"Wait sir." She called out, but I ignored her, "If you are here to see Mr. Smith I'm afraid that he is in a meeting." She said smiling politely. Her blond hair fell perfectly and framed her face.
I had only been here once before, so after walking in a few wrong rooms, I found myself in front of a familiar door. Haden's name was planked on the door. What I was about to do felt more real than it had before I had left the hospital.
After collecting myself, I went into the room. Closing the doors behind me I slowly dragged my feet to his desk and sat down in the chairs in front of it.
Waiting for what seemed like an hour I began to feel agitated. I stood up and walked around his office. Tracing my fingers over the bind books he had placed on the shelves of his office.
The view from there was breath taking. The office overlooked the city and the houses. There was something fearful about standing there, at the edge of the glass peering into the busyness below. The sudden thought of just falling down made me cringe.
Turning away I bumped into his chair. The sudden urge to just sit in it overwhelmed me. I complied. I had been waiting for a while anyway so I did not see any reason as to why I would not do it this one time. Being seated in the comfortable it made me feel like I was someone special. What was that about?
There was nothing exciting on his table. An awkward shaped paper weight was weighing down some documents in one corner and there were pens and pencils neatly placed everywhere.
I didn't know he was a neat freak. It was so clinical. There probably was someone who came in here at night and cleaned all of this up, I thought.
Rolling my eyes at my own thoughts I reached for the drawers. The first one opened and alphabetically organized documents filled the inside of it, shutting it I opened the other and another. Pulling out some of the files I flipped through them. There wasn't anything interesting in them; they were just graphs and figures that I couldn't make head or tails with.
All seemed to be just filled with random documents. When I tried to open the last one it would not open. It was locked. I got out from the chair and knelt on the floor and pulled on the handle as hard as I could. Nothing. It only made me want to know what was inside. It had to be something good, otherwise he wouldn't have it locked.
I pulled on the handle harder, and a loud crack and a bang echoed through the room. The lock had broken. I was impressed, but it was only short lived. Shit! I thought for a moment before going on ahead and opening it.
My high expectations came crashing down when I saw another pile of documents inside. When closing the drawer something glistened, and it caught my eye. I picked up the papers and transferred them to the floor.
My body stiffened. It was that picture. The one from high school. It was the same one that I had found in his bed side cupboard, the same one that vanished. The cold glass that framed the image reflected the bright light that came through the windows. When taking it into my hands I saw another picture underneath it. But this one was different. I remembered when it was taken. It wasn't just me that was in the picture either, it was both of us. It was from that day that Ash kissed me, at the top of the stairs. The picture was from the first party the two of us went to. I didn't even know they printed this picture.
Why did Haden have these?
I took both pictures into my hands and stared into them. Lost in my own thoughts I didn't know what I should do next. Slowly coming to my feet I noticed that I was breathing heavily and my hands were shaking.
The sudden noise from of the office doors opening made me jump, it caught me off guard. My head snapped up to look in the direction of the doors. At the entrance Haden stood. His eyes were wide. His gaze travelled from my face to what I held in my hands.
"Derek" He muttered.
I stood at the back of his desk with my mouth ajar. "I-I" I wondered what I should say, but nothing came to mind. I watched his feet as he took each step towards me. I swallowed hard and involuntarily stepped back, intimidated by his gaze.
He stood in front of me, almost pinning me to the glass behind me. As he took another step towards me I felt myself losing my balance. The sensation of falling back made me drop what I had in my hands and reach out to the closest thing before me. Reaching out I grabbed Haden by the collar of his shirt.
The photos crashed on the ground, the glass scattered on the floor and the shards shone like diamonds. When I raised my head once after I regained my balance all I saw was my hand grasping his shirt. Quickly letting go I pushed him away from me.
"How long did you know?" I whispered.
He stared at me and his gaze fell, his eyes became glassy. Breaking eye contact with me he took a step back and looked around hesitantly. "Since... the day at the restaurant" he replied.
I looked at him in surprise, I didn't expect him to actually answer my accidental question.
"why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought you already knew" he replied.
"I hate you, so much." I muttered, "What you did is unforgivable, Haden." Moisture oozed into my eyes and made my vision blur. "You had no right to treat me like you did." I leaped forward with my fist and smashed it on to his chest. He did not move, he just welcomed the abuse. How cliché.
His gaze met mine for a moment before he looked away and whispered "I know"
A single tear betrayed me and trickled down my check. I jolted as his fingers brushed it off my skin and pulled me into his warmth.
"I'm Sorry Derek...." He whispered on to my neck. And we fell quiet "You know. That picture you were looking at before.." I inhaled sharply and listened. When it came to him I always seemed to act differently than I wanted to. "I took it one day. At school. When you weren't looking.." Before he could finish, I pressed my palms to his chest and tried to push him off him, half-heartedly. His arms only wrapped around me tighter.
"Sorry doesn't make it right.. There is no word that would make up for what happened to you in high school because of me." He continued as I stayed silently. Through his shirt I could hear his heat pound against his chest to a rhythm that was not too far off from what I felt. "Words can't comprehend how I feel Derek..." he trailed off. Slowly releasing his arms from around me he placed them on my shoulders. Looking directly into my eyes, I tilted my head and looked up at him. His lips were slightly parted as he was thinking deeply to himself.
My stiff body just stood still. His hand slowly slid up and on to my neck. "there is nothing I can say to make anything right." He spoke softly as if he was speaking to himself. His dark eyes seemed to look right through me.
"It's too late to explain myself to you....I don't know what I was thinking." He continued. "f*ck..None of this is right." he muttered under his breath shaking his head and licking his lips. "Derek" he said softly and sighed, "You don't have to put up with me anymore, or none of this nonsense. I'll cancel the engagement."
My lips parted when he spoke. Cancel the engagement?
This stabbing pain shocked my body. Of cause I knew that I didn't want to get married to him... But it felt as if I'd never see him again. I didn't want that. I don't want that.
I stepped back as I processed his words.
"By next Monday it'll be official. You don't have to see me ever again.. I'm sorry for what I did"
I didn't know what I should say. My chest tightened and my eyes didn't have tears left to cry.
His hands cupped my face. I watched his deep dark eyes, as they looked like they were in pain. He leaned in and placed his soft lips on mine.
When his skin touched mine, that feeling I tried to fight back fought its way and took its hold on me. Haden's warm lips that tasted cold like mint and warm like....
I closed my eyes as I felt his lips touch mine. The image of when he kissed me in high school flashed into my head.
I remembered how even then I didn't hate it when he kissed me that day. I just didn't want to accept it. Never to see him again.
I kissed him back. Slowly.
It seemed like the both of us savoured this moment like we had never done before. My hands ran up his chest. The hard pound of heart came through his shirt and met my hand.
He pulled back slowly and opened his eyes. His hands still stayed cupping my face. Our faces were still only inches away.
Everything that I wanted to do, everything that I thought I'd do just seemed like as if they didn't matter anymore. I was speechless.
"Just so you know Derek. I never lied to you." he said and kissed the top of my forehead and let go. "I've always loved you."
Where his warm hands were cold but the sensation of his touch still stayed.
I don't want to let him go. . .
Haden...
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