(A/N: ^gif just got stuck in my head, given Em's words on the subject, and I couldn't not use it.)
Last Love Song – ZZ Ward
Harry
I stare blankly at the delicately written letters at top of the page, scared shitless to read any further. This one is the truth, the whole truth of what she really felt. At least I think so, I can just feel it.
What is love?
Well that's a loaded question if I ever heard one. I mean what else can this chapter be about besides what Emma really feels for me. I know that's silly and immature to say but this, like all her previous words, is all Emma. Written down is the girl I have always loved and so desperately wanted to know. And now she's given it to me.
But at what cost?
I pushed too hard, I wanted too much and it ended up breaking us.
Should I even read this? I want to with every fibre of my being but won't it just hurt more?
No, no, that doesn't matter, this is possibly the last bit of Emma that I'll ever have.
With a shallow breath, a pounding heart, and shaky hands I start.
"Love. What a total scam of a concept."
Well that's a promising start.
"For so long I never believed in the whole institution. It just wasn't real to me, I couldn't feel it.
Love was always just something we created to make movies and sell books. But you know what, life isn't a John Hughes movie or a Jane Austen novel. Not all our love lives are tumultuous for a while and then magically fixed by the end of the story. It doesn't work like that in life so why do we believe it does?
Besides, all these books and movies ever show us is the chase. That's all we want anyway.
The movie always ends once the jock kisses the nerdy girl and the book only ever shows us the sweet kiss once true feelings are exposed. They never show us what happens after the happily ever after.
Well I know what happens. A few months down the line the couple ends up in a huge fight and the cycle starts up again. Chase, romance, first kiss, fight, heartache, breakup... Chase, etc.
The cycle keeps going on and on and it doesn't stop.
Has no one else ever thought about this? All the promise, all the drama is in the chase between two people. The push and pull of feelings before things finally fall into place but they never show us the aftermath.
It's the same in life. Once we finally have the other person we want we only end up wanting more. We aren't content in the slightest.
That's what love was and it just wasn't for me.
Not one bit."
"Jesus," I mutter to myself.
I knew she was weary about love and relationships but this is a much deeper and far reaching opinion than I could have ever imagined.
Why couldn't I have changed this? I was the person who was supposed to change her opinion and make her see differently. I had months with her and somehow I never showed her this.
I failed. Fuck I failed.
"It's not as if I was always that way. I didn't pop out of the womb despising love and vowing to never succumb to the likes of some Prince Charming.
I did love as a child and I was loved. I had Harry and mum and even dad for a time. And then everything went to shit.
The Styles family left, mum gradually turned into a nervous wreck, and dad, well dad turned into a drunken abusive brute.
It was a gradual change but the night I ended up in the hospital by my own fathers hand was when I made the ultimate shift.
Love wasn't a real thing. How could it be?"
I knew things were rough for her as a child but to not be happy and feel like love exists?
It's just heartbreaking. I wish I was there for her, fill that role but I've finally realized that I can't keep thinking of all things i missed out on after I moved to London... I need make a plan for the future, a plan to get her back and show her all the these that I never did before.
Reading Emma's words my heart rate slows, finally understanding the gravity of what I was asking my girl to do.
For weeks there I was, selfish as can be, pushing Em to vocalize something I already knew she felt. I kept pushing and pushing while Em was silently struggling to get over all these love issues.
Right twit you are Styles, a right fucking twit.
I try not to linger on this fact so I can continue to read. I'm yearning for more, so much more so I read on.
"It's not as if I don't have my reasons because I do. I really do.
It's like this...
As a child one of the things that should be guaranteed in life is your parents love for you. It's a complete love, a consuming love, a steadfast love. You should feel it all over, with every breath, through every moment, during every fight even... you should always feel deep deep down that they love you.
Even if you know nothing else, that kind of love should be the absolute truth.
But it wasn't.
How could it be when my dad came home one day beat me to a pulp for chucking his alcohol down the sink. After that anyone can't help but question everything.
He didn't love me.
If he did that love should have been enough to stop him that night. But it wasn't enough and then he was gone. I didn't want him around after what happened between us and lucky for me, he didn't really try. Only the once.
So how could I possibly feel that love exists if it doesn't exist from the one person that should be an absolute guarantee."
My heart breaks for her.
The page goes all blurry before me as I quickly wipe my eyes for the tears that are threatening to slip down my cheeks and stain the page.
I rub my eyes, trying to get a clear view. My emotions getting the better of me as I bring the journal up to my face. And then it hits me and I feel my heart skips a beat...
Em is writing in the past tense.
What does that mean? Does she still believe all this or...
I read on, a complete blubbering mess.
"It's a funny thought now.
Lina always argues with me on all this point. Probably because she doesn't know my reasoning. Even if she did know I expect her response to be the same – 'Oh Emma, you say that now but one day you'll meet someone and none of it will matter. It will just feel right with him and you'll know... And because we're talking about you here, you'll be 100% certain because whoever he is will have the power to break down all those walls you put up to protect yourself. And that will be it.' – Time and time again Lina would say this and finish with a knowing smile.
And fuck! I wish she was wrong."
I sit straight up at her written words, my body rigid and my breath stalling in my throat.
WHAT!
Emma can't mean...
"For a long time I fought Lina tooth and nail whenever we got into this argument, and we got into it a lot. But I always knew, it was never going to happen the way she imagined, plain and simple.
Love wasn't for me and that was that.
I wasn't sad by any means. I've always been happy on my own, content, happy even.
Well that's all been shot to hell now hasn't it?"
And there she goes again, writing like something has changed.
What the hell is she talking about?
This is going to make me sound unbearably thick but I really need her to write it all out for me.
Nervous as hell but incredibly hopeful, I read on.
"This all changed my first day at Oxford. It was orientation weekend and I had just sent Lina off to flirt with the handsome boy behind one of the activities desks. I was happy, excited, and just ready to get started.
Then I heard that sweet, deep, raspy voice (still don't know how he pulls it off) say my name and the whole game changed.
I turned around and saw that mess of brown curls and deep dimples that hadn't changed since the day I said goodbye to him all those years ago. If anything they had gotten deeper and more alluring.
Thinking back on that moment now, I felt something in that very instant but I was so blinded by how surprised and happy I was that he was actually standing in front of me that I couldn't name it."
I'm figuratively jumping out of my own skin with excitement. Holy shit it's me! That curly head boy is me! – God I feel like a giddy little school girl finding out that the boy she likes likes her back..
"Like no time had passed at all, Harry Edward Styles pranced back into my life and, even though I didn't realize then, he began to chip at the wall I had built.
He was the man Lina always promised.
He was the man who got through.
He was the man I was 100% sure about."
Oh my god. She... my girl, she just...
My brain stutters out it's thoughts, is this what a stroke feels like?
My heart might be beating a mile a minute and I can barely breath but I couldn't care any less. I've never been more happy.
And then, just as quickly as it came, that feeling falls away.
I ruined it. I ruined all of it!
I lean forward, book tightly held in my hands as I continue to read.
"Yes, the boy who walked away earlier today and who I am speeding down the train tracks to go comfort, is that love Lina spoke about personified.
He's the one.
Harry is the idiot my heart yearns for.
The one I can't seem to let of of. The one I find myself missing when I don't see him, even if it's only for a few hours. The one who makes my toes curl with one single touch. The one who can make my knees buckle with one dimple driven smirk. The one who is slowly breaking down my walls. The one I want so desperately to find the strength to tell him everything. The one I'm terrified of losing.
Harry is quite simply 'the one'.
As fucking cringe-worthy and painful it is for me to admit, Harry Edward Styles is the love of my life and I'm the silly coward who can't seem to get up the nerve to tell him out loud.
Of course I didn't riddle this out until recently but still. I finally got there.
Shouldn't I have known by now?
Should I have just said it when Harry was literally throwing himself at me earlier, impossibly grief stricken and hurt?
Should I text him now?"
Wait... if I'm getting this correct, she's talking about the night gran died and I ran away to London without a single word to her. The night I called Jessica while my girl was traveling miles and pouring her heart out, all for me.
I feel like a total tosser.
"All I know for sure is I can't tell him anything until I fully understand it myself.
Harry deserves the best and although he's acting like a complete wanker at the moment (and I will let him get away with it for now because his nan just died), he deserves all I can possibly give him.
I do love him after all."
I sit back slowly, in awe at her words. I said I was blind before but this Emma, her feelings, it's something I never even considered. I was so sure that she loved me but I had no idea that she was dealing with thoughts like these.
For weeks she knew how she felt but she kept it hidden from me and from herself.
Jesus!
I push my hair back haphazardly as yet another revelation hits me like a tidal wave. I knew her wall was up to hide her past but I never thought I could be hidden back there as well.
Emma put our love behind there so she could prepare herself to actually admit to it. So she could understand it fully. So she could be ready. And I can't blame her for doing so, not after what she went through.
I want to go to her, tell her I'm sorry and make all this better but suddenly something becomes very clear. It causes me to close my slacked jaw and put her very revealing journal on the coffee table.
I've really cocked all this up.
If Em felt like this back when nan died and kept forgiving me for all the shit I pulled since that moment then she must really love me. She must really have let herself fall... and what did I do?
Well I blew it all up with false accusations and a endless amounts of alcohol.
My heart sinks to the very bottom of my gut. It seems hopeless, completely and totally hopeless but... well the way I see it I have two options.
1) I can either let things stay the same and walk away, let Emma find happiness with someone else... OR 2) I can fight of her. Fight for our epic love that Em herself once believed in.
Do I deserve her? No.
Does she deserve more than me? Definitely.
Am I going to spend the rest of my life trying to be the man worthy of her? Yes, with every single breath I take.
I leap from the couch and stride into my room and grab my phone. I have a lot to do if this is going to work out for us in the end. It's going to be an entirely uphill battle, we will fight and scream, probably cry, fight some more, maybe have some passionate hate sex... oh god I shouldn't be thinking of that... whatever happens next it's going to be hard but I have to atleast try.
I'm ready, this is going to work. I'll make sure it works.
But in one second everything changes. The adrenaline that was once pumping through my veins quickly dissipates when I hear three brief knocks, the sound of my name being called through my front door, and a voicemail from Emma flashing on my phone.
Everything stalls and I can't move.
Why did she call and who is at my door?
Do I listen to her now or answer whoever is in the hall?
"Harry, open the door. We need to talk."
___
A/N: Next chapter coming sooner than you think.
Thought I'd plug my one shot called Don't Come Back to Me. I've been thinking about turning it into a short story or something so it would be great if you guys took a little look.
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All the love, C.