"I easily get jealous..."
AVERY
The colors are still lingering in my sight. It won't disappear. It won't leave me. Pakiramdam ko umiikot ang aking paningin sa bawat paggalaw ko. Dahan-dahan akong umupo. I fixed my gaze on them. I think my eyes are burning. The headache was penetrating, reaching the back of my head.
Tanging ang ihip lang ng hangin at ang ingay ng siga ng apoy ang naririnig ko.
Yumuko ako. Napasinghap ako nang mapansin na nababalot din ng puting liwanag ang katawan ko. Nakikita ko rin ang kulay itim at pulang kulay na humahalo rito. Hindi ko ito agad napagtuunan ng pansin kanina. Tama nga si Ina. Hindi na purong puti ang kulay na nagmumula sa 'kin.
Mabigat akong bumuntong-hininga dahil pati ang liwanag na nagmumula sa 'kin ay gusto rin akong bulagin. Mariin akong napangiwi at napapikit. Wala sa sariling minasahe ko ang ulo ko.
"Need help?" tanong ng isang malalim na tinig.
I could sense that it was Damon's voice. Hindi ko na tinangkang imulat ang aking mga mata.
"Ano'ng nangyari sa 'yo?" nag-aalalang tanong niya pero naramdaman ko rin ang paglapit niya. Kapag nagmulat ako, tiyak na masisilaw ako sa liwanag na nagmumula sa kanya.
Naramdaman kong umupo siya sa likod ko. Minasahe niya ang ulo ko. I could feel the heat coming from his body. I'm not sure if it is just body heat or his light's heat. Now I'm already aware of everything around me.
Nakaramdam ako ng kaunting ginhawa dahil sa ginagawa niya. He's good at it. Naiibsan ang sakit dahil sa magagaang kamay na humihilot sa ulo ko. His presence was relaxing.
"My mother awakened my gift," panimula ko.
"Empress Demelza?" puno ng pagtatakang tanong niya. Marahan akong tumango.
"Paano? Did you open the gates?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong niya. "Kaya ba umalis kayo ni Zirrius? Alam mong delikado! Hindi ka ba niya pinigilan?"
Napansin ko ang pagkainis sa tinig niya. Parang gusto niyang kumprontahin si Zirrius dahil hinayaan ako nitong buksan ang otherworld gates.
Tipid akong ngumiti. "We survived. You don't have to worry. It's over now. Hindi ko na uulitin 'yon. Gusto ko lang malaman kung paano mahahanap si Seth. I want to trace his magic."
Mabigat na bumuntong-hininga si Damon na tila wala na siyang magagawa kundi ang palagpasin ang nangyari. "What gift?" he asked instead.
"She gave me the sight to see everyone's magic. Its colors. Sa ngayon, nakikita ko ang kulay ng mahika na nagmumula sa inyo at sa sarili ko. Kahit ang mga liwanag na nagmumula sa bituin. The colors make my eyes hurt. They almost blind me," paliwanag ko sa kanya. "Sinabi ni Ina na maaari ko itong kontrolin pero hindi ko alam kung paano. She told me to see the person beyond the light. I don't think I can do that."
"That's why you're not opening your eyes?" makahulugang tanong niya sa 'kin. "You're afraid you'll get blind?"
Marahan akong tumango. "I can't see clearly. The colors are too intense like they might burst out into flames."
He was still gently massaging my head and he accidentally brushed my right ear. It sent shivers down my spines and a soft unintended moan escaped my throat. My cheeks heat up. Damon chuckled nervously. He knew that an elf's ear is one of the most sensitive parts of our body. Brushing an elf's ear is an intimate gesture. Almost equivalent to making love.
"Sorry," he apologetically said.
"Did you do that in purpose?" pag-aakusa ko sa kanya. I could feel my heart running wild inside my chest. It seems like lust wants to take over my whole system.
"It's an accident," sagot niya. "Mag-iingat na ako ngayon," mahinang wika niya.
Humugot ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga upang kalmahin ang sarili ko. It felt like I'm cheating with my mate even though we're not accepting the bond yet.
"Bakit hindi mo subukang imulat muli ang mga mata mo? Subukan mong ibuhos ang konsentrasyon sa kulay ng sarili mong kapangyarihan? And then focus on your body, not the light?" suhestiyon niya.
"I'll do that later without your light," nakasimangot na saad ko.
Mahina siyang tumawa. "Masakit pa rin ba ang ulo mo?"
Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili. The pain was almost gone. May mga pagkakataon lang na parang tinutusok ng karayom ang ulo ko. "Sa tingin ko, ayos na ako."
"Sige. Babalik ako upang dalhan ka ng pagkain. Mukhang hindi ka na lalabas dito," magaang sabi niya. Tumigil na siya sa pagmamasahe at tumayo na. I could feel him walking out of the tent.
"Salamat," mahinang sabi ko. Hindi ako sigurado kung narinig niya dahil wala siyang naging tugon.
Ilang minuto lang ay nakabalik na siya. "Gusto mo bang subuan kita?" he teased. I could sense the playfulness on his tone. It was kinda hot and funny at the same time.
"No thanks. My other senses are still working just fine," I said with a knowing grin.
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at naramdaman ko ang mangkok roon. Sa kabilang kamay ko, inilagay naman niya ang kutsara.
"Mainit. Baka mapaso ka," he teased once again.
Mahina akong tumawa. "Just go," natatawang saad ko.
"Sige. Goodluck," he said. Naramdaman ko na naman ang pag-alis niya. My other senses are quiet strong so it's easy to eat without using my eyes. Nagsimula na akong kumain. Nang matapos inilapag ko muna ang mangkok at kutsara sa isang tabi.
I slowly opened my eyes. The light coming from me is blinding that I closed my eyes once again. Too bright for my eyes to take. The light was burning. Iniisip ko ngayon kung paano natatagalan ng katawan namin ang liwanag na ito. Now I wonder if we all came from the stars.
Minasahe ko ang sentido ko. I couldn't even focus on the light coming from my own body. Controlling my sight is just the first stage. Kahit nakikita ko man ngayon ang kulay ng mga mahika, hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano mahahanap si Seth o kung saan nagmumula ang mahikang bumabalot sa magic circle na binubuo niya.
I opened my eyes once again, this time braver. I focused my gaze at my hands. I tried not to wince. Pero ilang minuto pa lang akong nakatitig sa mga kamay ko ay napapikit na akong muli. The light were burning my eyes. Pakiramdam ko rin, tila may mga karayom na tumutusok sa mga mata ko kaya naluluha na rin ako.
Nakaramdam ako ng pagsakit ng ulo at konting pagkahilo. I tried and tried for the next hours. My vision was getting worser and worser. This whole damn thing scares me. Deep inside I'm panicking.
"What are you doing? Wala ka bang balak lumabas?" tanong ng isang nagtatakang tinig. It was Shin.
My eyes were shut. I didn't dare to look at him.
"Saan ka nanggaling?" tanong ko sa kanya. Hindi ko pinansin ang tanong niya.
"Bakit nakapikit ka? Are you half-asleep?" tanong naman niya. Mukhang wala kaming balak na pansinin ang tanong ng isa't isa. "You're weird," he added.
"Gising na gising ako. Hindi ko lang maimulat ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga kulay na nakikita ko," sagot ko sa kanya. "Ngayon, sagutin mo ang tanong ko. Saan ka nanggaling?"
"Pumunta ako sa Sumeria. Limang araw pa ang gugugulin natin sa paglalakbay. I don't see any threats unless we enter Sumeria's grounds," seryosong sagot niya. He's the best scout ever. Malalim akong bumuntong-hininga. May limang araw pa ako upang maayos ang paningin ko. "Ano'ng kulay ang tinutukoy mo?" Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya sa 'kin. Gusto kong imulat ang mga mata ko upang malaman ang kulay na bumabalot kay Shin.
"The color of our magics," I answered. "It's a gift I recently accepted from my mother. The lights coming from everyone are blinding me including my own light."
"Interesting. Open your eyes," seryosong saad ni Shin.
Nararamdaman ko na gusto niyang malaman ang kulay na nagmumula sa kanya. Kinagat ko nang mariin ang pang-ibabang labi. Dahan-dahah kong iminulat ang mga mata ko. His small-framed body was standing in front of me. He gave me a curious look.
"Well, what do you see?" He grinned. I could clearly see the intrigued look on his face but suddenly the color surrounding him bursted. It was blue. Almost like the color of the dark blue sky. A pure blue. And it was bursting and burning like blue hot flames.
I could feel my eyes dilated so I shut my eyes tightly.
"Scary. Your pupils suddenly turned white," Shin commented. "Mukhang hindi nga maganda ang nangyayari sa 'yo. Do you want a blindfold? Well, if the colors disturb you that much, maybe I should go?" nag-aalangang tanong niya sa 'kin.
"Your color is pure blue. Dark blue. Blazing blue," I said instead.
"Cool," he said with amusement. "So how long will you stay like this?"
"Not for so long, I hope. I can't fight without my sight," sagot ko. "I might need the blindfold you offered," nakangising saad ko pa.
"Nagbibiro lang ako kanina pero kung kailangan mo talaga, sige."
"Salamat."
"Tinanong pala ako ni Zirrius kung maaari ko siyang turuang magpalit-anyo. He wants his human form back." Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. "I don't know if I can make him shift on his own. Ameyan blood is not flowing in his veins. It will be hard for him to shift in a natural way."
"So what did you tell him?"
"A seal but he can't shift back to his elf form," sagot ni Shin. "Or if he's willing to be part of my Kingdom, I will let my blood flow in his veins. But it's not an easy process. He will undergo several rituals that I haven't mastered yet."
"Wala na bang ibang paraan?"
"May iba pang paraan," mabigat na sagot niya. Kapansin-pansin ang tensiyon sa tinig niya. "Marami pang paraan. Iba't iba ang uri ng mahika pero malaki ang kabayaran at tiyak na hindi natin magugustuhan."
"Katulad ng?"
"Itim na mahika," mabigat na sagot niya. "Pero kapag nagkamali ka sa paggamit, may posibilidad na hindi ka na makabalik sa dati mong anyo."
Natahimik ako dahil sa sinabi niya.
"May isa pang paraan. Maaari ko kayong isailalim sa isang ritwal. I will be the one to control your shiftings. I'm in control and your forms will depend on me," dagdag pa niya.
"Bakit kami? Hindi ba si Zirrius lang?" takang tanong ko.
"Hindi tayo makakapasok sa Sumeria sa anyong ito. Hindi makakalampas sa matatalas nilang paningin ang isang ilusyon. There's a barrier surrounding Sumeria that restricts illusions. Unfortunately, we can't pass through the gates. We can't deceive them if we're not human."
"And what's the price we'll pay?" kinakabahang tanong ko sa kanya.
"I'll pay," malalim na sagot ni Shin. Napasinghap ako.
"You can't do that!" hindi makapaniwalang saad ko. "Don't tell me, the price is your life?"
"Just a part of my life," he corrected.
"A part?" takang tanong ko.
"Yes. Just a part. That magic is a forbidden magic. Hindi ko pa ito nagagawa. My sister showed me how to do every forbidden magic because she doesn't care about her own life. She made sure to teach me everything as if she really had the plan to leave. She's unbelievable. She said that I might need it someday. Trust me, I know how this magic works."
"I could still live a thousand year or more but I will not live like almost forever. I have a time limit and that's the price I have to pay," seryosong saad niya. "It's a debt I must pay when it's due."
Mariin kong ikinuyom ang kamao ko. Mas lalong bumigat ang pakiramdam ko. "You can't do this," mariing saad ko.
"I can," matigas na sagot ni Shin. "Kailangan nating pasukin ang Sumeria. The kingdom is heavily guarded. Maraming mga kawal na nagmamatiyag sa bawat sulok ng kaharian. They will wonder why we are wearing cloaks. We can't get away even if the whole kingdom is ruled with magic. We can't always hide."
Mariin kong kinagat ang labi ko. He has a point and I hate his point. I hate that I can't do anything about it. I hate that this child has a lot to offer than me.
"Do you always plan like this?" naiinis na tanong ko sa kanya.
"That's what I learned from my sister," he said with pride.
"And the plan always includes death," mariing saad ko upang maintindihan niya.
"It's the easiest escape," he answered. "We must take every chance we get."
"You're just like her," mabigat na saad ko. "Just like her."
Mahinang tumawa si Shin. "I'll be alright," mahinang saad niya.
"With that little body of yours? Can you really hold such great magic? Can you really do the ritual?" nagdududang tanong ko sa kanya.
"You're underestimating me," he said with a sigh.
Mabigat akong bumuntong-hininga. "I want an excuse for you to not do it. Pakiramdam ko, isinasakripisyo kita. I felt like I'm pushing you to choose death. Wala na bang ibang paraan? Can we not pass the front gates? Hindi ba natin maaaring pasukin ang Sumeria sa ibang paraan?"
Mahinang tumawa si Shin. "Alam mong wala ng ibang paraan. Don't argue. You must sort your own problems now. I'll proceed with the ritual even if you're blind or not," he said. I could sense that he was just teasing me. He's taking this problem too lightly.
Marahan akong tumango. I could feel that he took the bowl near me. "We have five days. I'll tell them the plan. You can't stop me. We can't stop here," he said. "Padalos-dalos ka sa kilos mo. You sacrifice your sight without knowing the outcome. And so, I can sacrifice a part of my life too."
Narinig ko ang yabag niya palayo. He's so determined. I suddenly find the strength to master this gift. Malalim akong humugot ng hininga. Iminulat ko ang mga mata at pinagmasdan siya habang papalayo. His light is brighter than before. He could blind anyone with his light, his strength and determination. Halos hindi ko na siya makita dahil sa asul na liwanag na bumabalot sa kanya.
My eyes narrowed. I tried to focus beyond the light. I tried to imagine his little, fragile body, every edges of him and then he's gone. He shifted back to his owl form and flew away.
He's like the stars. He glitters. He outshines others even me and I don't mind because it is him.
I frowned because he's acting on his own.
Napansin ko na lumingon sa 'kin si Zirrius. The black and blue light coming from him made me squint. Hindi ko makita ang ekspresiyon ng mukha niya. Tumayo siya at naglakad patungo sa tent ko. Muli kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko.
"Kamusta ang pakiramdam mo?" nag-aalangang tanog niya.
"Getting worse," maikling sagot ko. Naramdaman ko ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Ramdam ko ang matiim na pagtitig niya sa 'kin. Umihip ang malamig na hangin kaya halos manginig ako. Hindi nakaligtas sa pandinig ko ang mahinang pagmumura niya makalipas ang ilang minuto. I could feel his frustrations.
"Bakit?" takang tanong ko sa kanya.
"Nothing," sagot niya.
Kumunot ang noo ko. Wala akong lakas ng loob upang tingnan siya. "Be honest," naiinis na saad ko.
"Honest answers are dangerous. They will give me away," makahulugang sambit niya. I could still feel his lingering gaze. Kahit nakapikit ako, ramdam ko na hindi niya inaalis ang paningin niya sa 'kin kahit isang segundo. Hindi ko alam kung guni-guni ko lang ba ito pero tila naririnig ko ang malakas na tibok ng kanyang puso. The night is eerily silent and it's also giving him away. My own heart beat is giving me away as well.
Matipid akong ngumiti. "You're guarding yourself too much. Can you open up yourself just a little?" mahinang sambit ko. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya.
"A dangerous request," he mumbled. Naramdaman ko ang pag-upo niya sa harapan ko. "How's your sight? Kung kailangan mo ng tulong, sabihin mo lang sa 'kin."
He sounded insincere though. "Bakit pakiramdam ko, gusto mo talagang mawala ang paningin ko?" nagdududang tanong ko sa kanya. Masyadong magaan ang tinig niya at tila hindi nababahala na mawala ang aking paningin.
"You want an honest answer?" he teased.
Sumimangot ako pero tumango.
"I still think that honest answers are dangerous," he said.
Mas lalo akong sumimangot sa sagot niya. Wala talaga siyang balak maging totoo.
Naramdaman ko ang kamay niya sa harap ng mukha ko. He lightly brushed the strands of my hair that almost covered my face and tucked it behind my ear. I gasped. I couldn't hide the shiver and moan. He may not notice but he just touched and brushed my sensitive ear!
I already lost control. I pushed him down desperately. He gasped. Nanatiling nakapikit ang mga mata ko pero mabigat ang paghinga ko.
"You can't touch my ears like that," I frustratedly whispered.
"But he touched you and you didn't complain. You let him," mabigat na sagot niya. There's a pang of jealousy on his tone. I wonder what's the taste of that jealousy in his mouth. I badly wanted a taste of it.
Pero saglit na natigilan ako. "Nakita mo?" naguguluhang tanong ko sa kanya.
"Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko. I wonder what's taking him too long and you're alone with him. And I can't stop my head from overthinking," he answered truthfully. Yes. He's right that honest anwers are dangerous. I suddenly want to melt in his arms. I suddenly want to remove all his insecurities.
Kinontrol ko ang sarili ko at mabigat na bumuntong-hininga. "Hindi mo pa rin ako dapat hawakan sa ganu'ng paraan."
"Sorry," mahinang sambit niya. He sounded like he's hurt. He held my arms. Dahan-dahan niya akong inilayo sa kanya hanggang sa makaupo ako. "Hindi na mauulit." Nakagat ko ang labi ko.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtayo niya. Hindi ako nagsalita. Marahan kong kinagat ang dila ko. Hindi na rin siya nagsalita at naglakad na palabas ng tent. Naiinis na napatingala ako. I opened my eyes and all I see is darkness.
You get it all wrong. My body is reacting with your touch. I won't be able to resist you if you continued like that.
Sadly, my whole body is screaming for his touch.
Sunud-sunod na umiling ako. I must bring back my focus. My eyes are at stake here. I need to concentrate and figure out how to control my sight.
Ilang beses akong kumurap-kurap. Muli kong tiningnan ang sarili kong liwanag. White, red and black are dancing in front of me.
I looked at those lights until my eyesight turned black. Gumapang ang takot sa buo kong katawan. Nanlamig ang mga kamay ko.
Then I suddenly realized, my sense of sight is gone. I'm blinded. I can no longer see no matter how many times I blinked. I panicked. I heard my own scream before I lost my consciousness.
****