ANU
Turning the corner on Madison and 67th, I drive down the three blocks to Sid's parent's house on the Upper East Side. My windshield whippers work furiously to clear away the heavily falling snow, already piling up on the street. Based on the short notice of tonight's dinner and given the current circumstances, I can tell its something important that couldn't wait and needed to be discussed face-to-face.
Pulling into the driveway, I'm the first to arrive which is unusual because Sidharth is always prompt, arriving for anything fifteen minutes early. The wind howls as I open my car door, crawling up my bare legs and seeping through the leather of heels. Skirting to the front door to avoid blistering negative temperatures, I quickly press the doorbell rocking back and forth on my feet to keep warm.
Within moments uncle Neal is at the door to usher me inside into the solitude and refuge of the warm heat. "It's coming down heavy out there," he helps me with my coat as I rest my purse on the marble top table in the foyer. "Glad you could make it," he walks me through the foyer, past the grand spiraling staircase, into the enormous kitchen, where aunty is preparing dinner.
"Hi beta, come sit, pour yourself some wine, warm up," aunty Jaya smiles from behind the marble island. I take a seat thankful for the warmth of the kitchen. The doorbell rings and uncle hops on his feet to answer its call. The voices echoing from the foyer sound familiar. I bend my neck to see the other dinner guests joining us tonight and to my surprise, they are my parents.
Perplexed I look between my parents and Sid's, recognizing that playful wicked looked in my mom's eyes. "Jaya dinner smells delicious," my poor father oblivious to everything that's going on, naively compliments.
"Do you need help with anything?" maa offers already walking around the counter.
"No just sit and relax Kavita, you can sample these dishes though and tell me if anything is missing," aunty plates out a sample of each dish, mostly Bengali, while uncle tops our classes off with wine.
Sheepishly, maa slides into the seat beside me sipping her wine and avoiding eye contact with me. "I know what you're doing, and it's not going to work," leaning into her shoulder, I whisper using the wine glass as a cover for my mouth.
"We're just having dinner, Anuksha," she shrugs, dipping a pakora into tamarind chutney and popping it into her mouth.
"Goodnight...everyone?" swiveling around in the stool, I meet Sidharth's skeptical eyes framed by his thick furrowed brows and stiff pouted lips. Awkwardly he goes around the room greeting everyone coming up to me last. In the months since we've gotten back together, his relationship with my parents, especially with my mother, has been slowly developing. The man who was their first-choice perfect match for me became the bad-boy bachelor.
Sitting in the seat beside me, he rests his arm on the back of my stool quickly kissing me on the side of my head, afraid to show any other type of physical affection toward me out of respect for our, mostly my, parents present. "What's going here?" he whispers bringing my glass of wine to his mouth.
Pulling my lips into my mouth, I slant my head staring at him with raised eyebrows. "Marriage talks," I whisper into his ear before pecking him on the cheek. Nodding to himself, he swallows hard, licking his lips of the red residue from the wine.
Conversation flows lightly around the dinner table mostly reminiscent of the parent's youth with the occasional business talk. Uncle Neal is just getting through a story of when he was in college with my dad and Sidharth's biological dad, Raj, about an epic spring break trip to Ibiza, when rasmalai is served for dessert.
"I haven't gone back since. Maybe we should take a trip, rally up the boys for one last hurrah," my dad sighs, a smirk tinging his lips as he glances over at my mom.
"Well, Kavita and I won't be left to sit at home. We'll take a girl's trip to Bali,"
"You know, I've never traveled anywhere without Rahul since we met," my mom confesses, smiling over at my dad.
"That's actually beautiful. Marriages nowadays aren't what they used to be. It's good that the kids have good examples to follow," aunty Jaya says, softly placing her hand over uncle Neal's.
"So, what plans do you kids have?" uncle asks directed towards Sid.
"No travel plans as of now, just work," Sid answers distractedly as he finishes off his dessert. It's impossible to get a proper answer out of him while he's eating. He definitely zoned everyone out two dishes back, yet no one realized.
"I'm talking about the future here, son," uncle pipes up at Sid's vague answer to his question. My hand squeezes his knee to grab his attention. The incriminating stares of my parents across the table and his parents on the opposite ends are beginning to make me nervous.
"We just moved in together, so I mean for now that's where we are," I say trying my best to match the four pairs of eyes on us. Sid leans back in his chair folding his arms across his chest, visibly irritated. He licks his lips pulling them into his mouth before pressing them in a thin line.
"Have you talked about getting married yet?" Maa asks, looking directly at me. Shifting uncomfortably in my chair, I grab my glass of water sipping from it, preparing for a very difficult conversation.
"That was our intention-"
"Was?" papa asks surprised.
"Things just changed for us," I say combing my finger through my hair.
"Sid do you have anything to say?" aunty presses further, disregarding Sidharth's building temper that is for sure about to flame any moment now.
"We're adults; we aren't inexperienced teens. Both Anu and I know what we want, and we have that right now," calmly, but with a definite irritation in his voice, Sid glowers at uncle Neal, showing his disapproval.
"So, what you're saying is marriage isn't in the cards for the two of you?" confused, aunty Jaya clarifies her interpretation, adding fuel to the fire.
"Precisely," Sid shakes his head dismissively, infuriating uncle further.
"What do you mean? The two of you are so happy with each other marriage can only strengthen that," Maa adds to the tense conversation, acting as impartial and naïve as possible but I'm sure she was part of the plan from the get-go.
"With all due respect aunty, a piece of paper isn't going to strengthen our relationship,"
"It does in every way possible, Sidharth, it makes it legitimate," uncle's voice projects from the head of the table in a loud boom. Sid briefly closed his eyes breathing in heavily. Uncle Neal's jaw tenses as he grinds his teeth together, his hands now tight fists placed on the table.
"Marriage isn't right for us for now," Sid bites off agitation evident in his deep voice.
"I'm not following. Your relationship is perfect in every way. Both of you come from the same background, understand each other's responsibilities, share an undying love for one another. How can marriage not be right?" dad questions from across the table. I feel like they are only targeting Sidharth like he is the one to blame for this. When in fact no one is to be blamed.
"Not every relationship works in marriage papa. We are perfectly happy right now that's all that matters,"
"Anuksha do you want to marry Sidharth someday?" uncle asks me. Sid snaps his neck in my direction, his eyes wide and full of remorse and guilt. Breathing in long and hard, I rest my hand on Sid's thigh, giving him an encouraging nudge.
"Someday maybe if our lives permit but as of right now I'm happy," I try to smile but fail miserably.
"Both of you are making no sense whatsoever right now. Marriage isn't a bad thing, you are already there you just have to sign a piece of paper, and you are committed to each other rightfully," uncle yells glaring at Sid.
"Neal is right you have already moved in together and share every aspect of your life with one another, marriage only makes is valid," dad adds.
"So, our relationship isn't valid now?" I ask
"It is sweetheart, but marriage is recognized," aunty justifies papa's statement.
"Marriage also binds us for life," Sid mumbles and the room falls to dead quiet. The ticking of the clock in the den can be heard across the house how the silence overpowers us all.
"Is this about commitment?" Uncle asks huffing.
"No! Why can't you just trust us? We know what we're doing and what's right for us! Just leave it the fuck alone," Sid yells pushing away from the table, his chair sliding backward hitting the wall. "It's as if you forgot just a few days ago you were about to go to prison, I and the entire company are still under investigation and Anuksha and I are being stalked by a psycho!"
"Excuse me," I jump up from my seat at the table and run after Sid. Prodding down the hallway to the terrace he opens the door letting a bone-chilling wind rush into the warm house. He slams the door shut receding into the frigid cold to escape.
Stepping onto the cold concrete, I curl my toes against the settling frost, walking up behind Sid. Wrapping my arms around his back to his hard stomach, I press my cheek against his stiff muscle stretching out the fabric of his light blue shirt. "I'm sorry," he sighs gripping the iron railing enclosed around the terrace overlooking Central Park.
"You don't have to apologize to me, boogie-bear," chuckling softly he lifts his arm pulling me in front of him. Resting his hands at my hips, he firmly grips my ass squeezing me to his crotch. "They don't understand our relationship and the motives behind our reasoning we can't be mad at them for wanting marriage for us,"
"Despite that, even if we didn't want to get married for other reasons what's it to them? They don't live for us, we live for us and for each other,"
"It's a rite of passage Sidharth. Honestly, if you weren't dying wouldn't we be married by now?"
"I guess so," he brushes his fingers through my hair, tucking it behind my ear.
The echoing shatter of glass cuts through the thick winter air. Shocked, aunty Jaya covers a sobbing gasp with her hands clamped over her mouth. Wide-eyed she stares at Sid, shaking her head. She lets out a ragged breath, reaching her shaky hand out before retreating it back to her lips.
"Mom," backing away, she shakes her head, biting on her lips to fight back the thick tears pooling in her eyes.
"Tell me I heard wrong," stifled, her voice is throaty, palpable of pain. "Tell me it's not true!" she screams, sobbing as her back jabs into the doorknob.
"I wish I could," impeccably stoical, Sidharth holds his composure taking cautious steps towards his mom. Trembling, she steps through the spilled wine and shattered glass, holding Sidharth's face in her visibly quivering hands as her teary eyes examine his features.
"But there for sure has to be something that can save you," forcefully wiping her face of any trace of tears, she plasters a smile, a gleam of hope twinkling in her eyes.
I see the defeat and utter anguish in his eyes as he shakes his head "No...I uh have no alternatives left," he whispers croakily, gently cupping her shoulders.
"My sweet baby boy," softly she combs her fingers through his hair, brushing her thumbs across his cheeks. Hugging Sid, she rests his head in the crook of her neck quietly sobbing into his shoulder as tears trickle down her face, dripping off her chin.
"I need you to promise me that this stays between us," firmly he holds her arms, slightly jolting her body to focus.
"I promise, but Neal...you have to tell him, Sidharth," she pleads, pressing her palms against his chest.
"I will when the time is right," dismissively, he shuts her down.
As she turns to leave our eyes meet. Holding my hand, she squeezes my wrist not saying anything yet saying so much at the same time. Between us stands the man that we both hold dearly in our hearts and love boundlessly yet we're both powerless to save him from this peril. I see the defiant hope in her eyes as it blazes in my own. As a mother, she will sacrifice anything to save her son, but it's that burning faith that might push Sidharth further away when he needs to be closest to her.
"There you are," maa pokes her head through the door, smiling apologetically.
"Sorry, I dropped the glass on my foot," aunty Jaya fibs, tiptoeing around the burgundy stained fragmented pieces.
"Oh dear, come inside I'll help you get bandaged up,"
"No," Sid and I shout, "Don't worry we'll take care of it," slinging her arm around his neck, Sidharth easily picks his mom up carrying her inside to the bathroom.
Thick and suffocating, silence fills the room. Sid rests aunty's feet on his thigh, applying a disinfectant numbing spray over the various small cuts and gashes. Wincing, she bites her lips as he begins tweezing out tiny shards of glass stuck under her skin.
"You always did worry about everyone and neglecting yourself," smiling bittersweetly, she caresses Sid's face bringing his meticulously focused eyes to meet hers. "It's time you let some of us worry about you for once,"
"I'm fine," avoiding her eyes, he begins rubbing ointment over each wound before wrapping gauzes around her foot. "I'm not that lost little boy anymore. You already endured enough heartache because of me," remorse softens his eyes as he stares at the ground, ashamed that he's become a burden yet again.
"Hey, look at me," gripping his chin, she lifts his gaze off the ground, determination brightening her features. "Never and I mean never think you caused me or your dad any distress or were ever a burden to us. Never. You brought something into our life that we never had, you gave me a chance to be a mom and Neal a chance to be a dad. You were and will always be the greatest blessing to us,"
"You always made me happy even when I was feeling like absolute dirt you managed to make me smile but all I keep giving you is tears and pain. Everything in my life is always sordid. I can barely bring happiness to the people in my life without ruining it,"
"Don't ever think that. You make us happy more than you know. You're Neal's pride and joy he brags about you any chance he gets. And you're my baby no matter what, I'll always see you as this little boy who aged before his time and made my life the brightest it's been ever since he called me his mom," pressing her lips to his forehead, she rests her cheek against his thick hair tightening her arms around his head. In Sidharth sits a pouting boy, longing for comfort, affection, and acceptance. He's spent his entire life chasing it, yet it's been right here with him the whole time.
Realizing only now that I should have left them alone to have a mother-son moment instead of intruding on their private and sentimental conversation, I turn to walk away but Sidharth holds me back by the arm. "You don't need to worry about me. Anuksha has been my rock through it all. She's my everything, mom,"
"I'm sorry about ambushing you kids tonight. We really did have noble and honest intentions, but I understand now," deep regret shines in her swollen eyes, as she holds Sid's and my hand lifting off the bench in the bathroom. "But please don't shut us out. Let us spend as much time as we can with you...both of you," pleading, she clasps her hands against her chest, a hopeful smile curving her lips.
Understandably quiet, Sid sits in the passenger seat of my car broodingly staring out the window. Considering the heavy snowfall and the fact that he thinks I drive too abrasively; I was surprised that he didn't insist on driving. Reaching across the console, I rest my hand on his thigh, knowing the turmoil that must be storming through his mind right now.
"I'm sorry she found out like that," I can't help but feel responsible for the greater part that was tonight's disaster. If it wasn't for me and my crude mouth, Sid would have gotten to deliver the news to his mom himself and in a much better way.
"She had to find out sometime or the other, don't worry about it," dismissively, he perches his elbow on the car door, biting down on the nail of his thumb.
"I know but still...it's my fault. You should have been the one to tell her,"
"Stop...please. I hate it when you do that! You assume the guilt of things you're not even responsible for and shoulder the burden all on your own. Just for once, stop trying to be a hero,"
"That's the pot calling the kettle black and you know it,"
"Oh, come on! I embarrassed and humiliated you, broke you enough that you couldn't stand the sight of your own family out of shame, and yet you still took me back," he pounds his fist against the dashboard, seething in unresolved anger. "Selfless Anuksha, going back to her dying boyfriend out of the pure goodness of her vain heart," a sardonic chuckle scoffs out of his scowling mouth.
"You want to malign me? Vain. Was it vain when I swallowed my pride time and time again for the sake of loving you?"
"There's no malignance if it's true,"
Laughing, I shake my head "Such vanity it is sacrificing my honor and virtue for a man who constantly reminds me that I'm with him for my own preservation. No, not out of unbounded love but my ego,"
"You're so blinded by it you don't even realize how afraid you are of the judgment. The shame of a failed relationship, the scandal to your name and reputation. The only reason we're together is that you had to prove a point, be the forgiving and benevolent hero,"
"You're dying, Sidharth! Dying. Yet you refuse to let the people who care you be there and offer support and spend whatever time you have left to love you. What's more narcissistic than that?" I shout pounding on the steering wheel, the dry burning in my throat making my voice crack. "You so badly want to appear strong and well put together that you are sacrificing precious time trying to shame me in order to feel less guilty. Guilty for something you have no control over!" raking my fingers through my hair, I tug at the locks, falling back into the seat.
The shrill vibration of his phone cracks through the thick silence in the car. Clearing his throat, he hesitantly answers the call. "Hey, what's up?" I recognize Nikhil's deep voice on the other end, panic evident in his mulled over words. "We're on our way,"
Sighing, he licks his lips, swallowing "Love, we have to go to the hospital, it's your dad,"