April
I set outside on the park bench. I'd reached my limit when my English teacher started off that class by telling everyone how sorry she was for my lose. I just stood up and walked out.
I ignored all the eyes that stared at me as I went. The security guard tried to stop me but after seeing who I was and the look in my eyes he reluctantly stepped aside.
Everyone knew Jamal, even the students who he never spoke to seemed to be saddened on a deeper level by his death. They cried claiming that they were his best friends.
Others said they'd seen it coming. 'He was a drug dealer you know' they'd say in hushed whispers. Everyone seemed to have an opinion to offer about how or why he died.
All of it seemed to mix together into loud static in my ears. I needed to be away from all of them. But no matter where I went Jamal's ghost seemed to haunt me.
I'd been out side for about twenty minutes when I saw a familiar face coming my way.
"Can I sit with you?" Regina asked
"Are you going to start apologizing too?"
Regina shrugged. "Apologies aren't really my style."
"Then you're more than welcome to."
Regina takes a seat. For the first few minutes we sit in a peaceful silence. We both stare out at the green park around us and there is no need to fill up the silence with useless words.
I don't know how much time passes but eventually Regina pulls out a journal and a pen. I look down at the cover of the journal.
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." I say reading the golden words printed on the journal out loud.
Regina smiles. "Edger Allen Poe."
Regina opened up the journal and I saw that the pages were full of beautifully written poetry.
"I write when I'm sad or angry." Regina said.
"Which one is it today."
Regina looks back at the school. "Anger." She turns to look back at me. "You?"
"Sadness, that feels more like emptiness."
"That's one emotion I'm no stranger to. What finally pushed you over the edge?"
"Nothing in particular. Everyone's so nice and the teachers are so understanding. I just don't want to be around them. None of it feels real anymore."
"Word of advice, enjoy the overtly nice phase while it last. Eventually they're all going to expect you to return to the happy April they all know and love. As if pain has a set deadline and once you reach it everything is suppose to go back to how it was before."
"Nothing can go back to how it was before."
"No it won't." Regina agreed. I turned to look at her. I could see in her eyes that she was one of the few people who actually understood.
"You'll never be the person they want you to be and the pain won't go away. But you learn how to deal with it. Each day you'll grow stronger then the one before and then one day you'll look up and sadness won't be the only thing you feel." Regina said and her eyes locked on mine.
"But this is your pain and you have every right to feel it. Fvck them if they tell you other wise." She said.
I felt a tear slip down my face. I quickly wiped it away, but as soon as I do another one falls. Regina doesn't say anything as I let the silent tears slip down my face.
After a few moment my tears dry and I fell just the slightest bit better for it. I sit up and turn back to Regina.
"Thanks." I say.
"What are friends for?"
The rest of the class period I spend outside with Regina. She offered me a piece of paper to write on but I decline. I'm a photographer not a writer. I ask her what she writes about and she reads one to me.
Regina poetry is dark and a little bit on the morbid side but I didn't mind the morbidity as much today. The words felt right with the way I was feeling.
Regina's eyes caught on something behind me and her brows furrowed.
"Dashawn?" She called.
I turned around to see her brother walking behind us. He stopped when Regina called his name and looked something like a dear caught in the head lights.
"What are you doing out here?"Regina asked.
Dashawn rubbed at the back of his neck "I was uh..."
"Were you with her again?" Regina said.
"I um-"
"Good Shawn when are you going to learn that, that girl is nothing but a leech."
Dashawn's hand dropped down to his side as he glared at his sister. "Don't talk about her like that, Gina. She's not like that."
Regina rolled her eyes. "What else do you call a girl who stings you along and uses you at her disposal."
I listened to them argue. I didn't know who the girl they were talking was but the familiar way they bickered and argued reminded me of Jamal. Everything reminded me of him.
The way Regina and Dashawn argued was fueled with the type of frustration that only came about when talking to someone you loved.
Jamal and I had our share of fights like that, although it had happened way more this semester. Even if we were fighting it was because of how much we cared about each other.
My eyes are wet with tears yet again.
"Oh sh't April are you okay?" Dashawn asked stoping his argument with Regina to check on me.
"Of courses she isn't dumba$$" Regina scolds her brother.
"No, it okay I'm fine." I say wiping away my tears. Even after I say it, it takes several minutes for me to calm down.
I wipe the last of the tears away and pray that no more fall before the end of the school.
"Better?" Dashawn asks
I nod my head. It's weird now that my version of better is when I have enough control to stop the waterfall of tears from falling down.
"How long have you guys been out here?" Dashawn asked.
"Depends what time is it?" Regina said.
Dashawn reached into his pocket to pull out his phone. Just as he did it started to buzz.
"Whoa." Dashawn said staring down at his screen.
"What?" Regina questioned.
"I just got a ton of text from Aden. He wants to know if I've seen you." Dashawn said looking at me. "I take it you didn't tell the boyfriend you were skipping class."
"I didn't plan on it. It just kind of happened." I say.
"Well, he seems really worried, which I guess is understandable seeing as it's already lunch time. You two have bio together don't you?"
"It's almost lunch time?"
I really hadn't thought I'd been out here for that long. Time seemed to be a weird thing that moved at unexpected speeds.
I stood up but Regina grabbed my hand.
"Tell Aden to meet us out here." She said to her brother and then turned to me. "Trust me the last place you want to be is in that crowed lunch room."
I thought about it. All the students would be there. They'd probably all want to either stare or talk to me about Jamal. Regina was right. I was in no way prepared to deal with all of that.
I sat down and a few minutes later Aden appeared out side. His worried gaze landed on me and he ran over.
"April where have you been?" Aden asked.
"Out here I didn't want to stay inside anymore."
"Why didn't you answer my text?"
"I turned my phone off."
Aden sighed and combed his fingers through his hair. "You can't do that April. It's dangerous what if something would have happened to you?" He said sitting down next to me.
"Like what someone kidnaps her? We're right next to the school." Regina said.
"I just want to know that your safe." Aden said speaking directly to me.
I place my hand on top of his. Aden's eyes go to our hands and then back to my face.
"I'm fine Aden. I just needed to be alone." I say.
Earlier today I could see how much it hurt him to have me pull away, but there was nothing I could do about it. What I told him had been the truth. I didn't know how to be around him. I still don't, but I didn't want him to think that I'd rejected him.
With Jamal gone the prospect of losing anybody else seemed absolutely terrifying.
"I know April. I just wanted to know that you were safe. " Aden said moving his hand so that our fingers interlace. "That's all I ever want."
"I know." I say pulling my hand away from him.
As much as I want to lean into him and have him hold me, I also want to pull back and move far away. When I'm with Aden I can't help but feel guilty.
Aden makes me feel better. I don't know why but he just does. Even something as simple as seeing his face makes me feel lighter, but now that lightness feels like a betrayal to Jamal.
My brother's dead and anything that remotely resembles happiness feels wrong. I don't know why and it doesn't quite make since but that's how it is.
"Did anyone bring something to eat." I say trying to break the awkward tension in the air.
Aden pulls out a sandwich and hands it to me. "Here eat mine."
"Thank you."
I bite into the sandwich and it taste like glue in my mouth. I force my self to swallow because it has been days since I've eaten. Use to starvation my body immediately rejects the bits of sandwich I swallow down.
I take another bite before setting the sandwich down.
"Do you not like turkey?" Aden questions.
"No, I-"
"Here, I'll trade you" Regina interrupts holding out a bag of pretzels. "Eat them slowly it will help your body get back to the ideal of food."
I take the bag from Regina, not questioning how she knows all of this.
We sit and eat for the rest of lunch outside. When the bell ring I turn back to look at the school.
"Guess we should be getting back inside, and yes Regina by we I mean you and me. Your already having trouble in geometry I'm not going to let you skip it." Dashawn says looking down at his sister.
Regina roles her eyes before slamming her notebook close. "Are you guys going back in?" She ask.
I look back at the school and think about all the people inside. I've never loved school but I've never felt this much anxiety over the thought of having to return. My stomach is in knots and my heart is racing.
"I think we'll just stay out her for just a bit longer." Aden says before waving at the two.
I turn back to Aden. "You don't have to stay. I don't want you messing up your grades for me."
"I don't think they'll kick me out for missing one day of class."
It's probably true he is still the top of his class. Aden and I sit together letting the minutes pass by.
"You know I thought coming here would be better, but Jamal is everywhere. " I say
"You want to go somewhere different."
I look over at Aden.
"I still have my car. And I know a good place to go for an escape." Aden said looking toward the parking lot.
"I'm suppose to ride back home with Keith."
I wasn't exactly looking forward to it. There was still funeral planning to be done. Mom had burst into tears when she realized she couldn't have an open casket because of what the man had done to Jamal's face.
I didn't mind. I've always hated open casket funerals. Lifeless bodies were eerie no matter how you dressed them up and painted their faces. Part of me was glad I wouldn't have to see Jamal like that.
"It's still a few hours before school ends. I'd have you back before anyone even noticed you were gone." Aden said.
"I..." I turned to look back at the school. Every part of me seemed to rebel against walking back inside. I looked back at Aden. I could see in his eyes that he really was trying to help. So far I'd done nothing but push him away.
"Yeah." I said nodding my head.
Aden gave a small smile before standing up and holding his hand out to me. I took it, ready to be anywhere but here, and together we made our way to his car.