Listening to the sound of the rain that didn't stop falling all the morning, this was just one of those quiet days at work, which can be relevant sometimes, no stress, no worries, just a peaceful feeling, my life is changing, a new chapter has begun.
I woke up in my new bedroom, feeling like a new born baby or some sort of princess, just nimble, took my breakfast with Martha, as always she was kind and funny. For so long, I took my breakfasts alone, but I no longer have to, and will.
My life suddenly gets better when everything had fallen apart, when I thought I can no longer smile, that tears are my new friends and companions, when I thought the days that are coming will be hard because I will have to establish a new life, to build a new home all alone, Allah have send me Martha to make things easier,brighter. Everything is better with a company and two is better than one.
It's true that there are still many things that are not solved yet, and I know I will face new challenges in the future, yet I know for sure that Allah will always help me, that Allah won't abandon me, never did .
I know that I can always count on Martha, she's very supportive lady, she helped me much and I can never forget what she did to me, when I need a someone to hold me, she was there, she was there to catch me. And finally to my surprise, I never thought or imagined that he, the cold beast will ever help me without asking for anything in return, I guess you can never know a person, know who he truly is, we all see that image, we all build the image we want of a person, we don't take time to know if we're true in our judgement or not, we don't think that this person is perhaps more than that or has his own story, we don't really look to find out what is going on inside that person, we just rush to critics .
-Ahmmm, she caught, someone is really lost in her thoughts.
I frowned in surprise to see Clara standing in front of me, when our eyes met, we smiled in complicity then she said:
-It's lunch time, C'mon, there is so much of things you have to tell me, too much to catch up with. She stopped talking and stood watching me getting ready slowly
-C'mon Missy, we don't have all day. She hinted.
-Missy ? I asked, surprised cause I still haven't told her a thing.
-Yeah, you think I didn't notice the disappearance of your wedding ring, she stated then added : I guess Mr.Watson was right from the beginning when he called you Miss, he always saw that you do want to be a Missy again, she laughed first, then I followed her, we both laugh so hard for a while until I noticed that some co-workers were staring at us, so I took my handbag and we left still giggling..
****************
-Wow !! She exclaimed. Many things have happened and I have no clue about it, why didn't you just call me ?
-I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to bother you, I didn't feel like talking neither and I wasn't much thinking straight.
-Clearly you weren't, since you called your boss at night to help you, It's so unprofessional of you Missy, she joked.
-You're not much helping me Clara, besides what were my other options ?
-Seriously, I don't know what I would have done if I were in your position, she sighed, then continued : you seem to be hanging out very well , how are you doing ?
-It's all absurd to me right now, it's like I'm still in some sort of denial, I think back of everything that have happened and sometimes I find it hard to believe it.
-Yeah, I can understand that, it's not easy,You need time to process and move on but I know you will eventually , She stopped talking and looked me in the eyes and I could see sincerity, sympathie in them , then she took my hand, hold it on her and said : If you ever need anything, if you ever find yourself in such trouble again or you just need to talk then you must call me, talk to me, I will always be there for you, I will always hold your hand, I wish If you told me earlier, I wish if you called me that day, I wish if I could have helped you more, been there for you.
She let go of my hand and quit talking, so both of us, sit there silently eating, it felt awkward, I didn't know what to tell her, surely I appreciate each word she said, yet I didn't call her, I didn't want to .
- Truth to be said , she cut the silence, since the hospital, I thought you shouldn't stay with him anymore, I mean, did you see what he has done to you ?? You scared the hell of me that day and I would be a liar if I told you I wasn't worried about you, he's a jerk, like the worse kind of jerks, you deserve someone better than that.
-Is there kinds of jerks ? I laughed
Clara shook her head in disbelief, then said : Of course , there are.
After that, we both launch a storm of laughing, it was so hard to a point I though we're going to die.
-So let capitulate, you spend two nights at hotels, in both Allan helped you so you're like owning him much now and he won't forget it, you will see.
She spoke seriously while I was listening , I felt like my heart beats are going to stop, definitely didn't think of that, he will also want a payback and I don't know when , that's terrifying , not knowing, being uncertain; unsure.
-And now, you're staying with Martha, your boss's mother, so much unprofessional, you see what happen when you don't talk with me, you lose it all, she smiled.
-You forget one thing, Sarah fired me and I still don't know and understand why.
-I do , she stated.
-Really ? I questioned, surprised by her answer, I mean, how can she understand and find it normal , not bizarre or anything, just like Allan , he wasn't surprised too, I hope she won't same thing as him.
-Well, she was jealous.
-What ? I exclaimed, feeling frustrated , I mean here I am again with Sarah being emotional and jealous, I said that to myself annoyed, "Of me ? Or what?" I asked.
-"No, I mean I'm not sure if it's you too,"
She stopped talking to think, she seemed concentrated, her finger on her mouth, looking to the sky as if she's seeking an answer from it.
-Clara, still hungry ? I cut the silence, I could no longer wait for her explanation.
-What ? No, sorry, I was just thinking very deeply into everything you said, look what I know is, she is seeing Allan, but it's not exclusive, in fact, I think he has never been with just one woman that he date, he is not very attached person and not looking for any kind of serious relationship, of course, Sarah knew all this like everyone else does and she accepted it, but I guess sometimes, she just can't handle it and get jealous when she know he's with someone else, it's a very difficult situation she gets herself into, you know.
-Ahmm, I nodded, trying to understand how much it sucks.
-What does it have to do with me ? Why did she say it's all my fault? I questioned
-Now, that is what I was thinking about, it's a bit strange, perhaps something changed in their relationship since you come or maybe because you received the scholarship than she is worried and see you as threat especially that now you left your husband.
-That's ridiculous and makes no sense, I spoke.
-Well, that is all I have for now, C'mon we have to go or we will be in troubles.
After taking a few steps Clara stopped walking, turned to me, fixed me in the eyes and said :
-Whatever you may think Of Allan now, no matter how you see him, I know the situations have changed, but don't fool yourself, he's still the same cold arrogant person, don't think you will ever be an exception for him.
I rolled my eyes not believing what Clara just said, I don't know why she's warning me or think that I need it, she looked very serious .
-Don't worry, I just get out of a difficult marriage, I'm not looking for anything and definitely not him, besides I should never dream to be his exception like Dah that sort of things would never happen.
****
All the way back and the evening, I kept thinking of every single word Clara said, perhaps I should have called her earlier but a part of me still feels like I have done the right thing by not calling her back then, I didn't plan a thing, you really can't plan these things, you just go on, try to stand and be stronger, all I could think of is to stand tall and never let myself fall, be strong and for some reasons, after what happened with Sarah, the first person I thought of calling was Allan, maybe because he was the only one who knew, maybe cause he offered to help or maybe something else, I don't know, I can never explain it, justify to myself and I know it's wrong, I couldn't tell Clara even though she is not a muslim, she already think I changed my mind about him and she doesn't like it , I can't blame her, she know him too well. The thing is I can't tell any single human being about it, it's just going to be a very deep secret that I'm going to hold in my heart forever.
I tried to understand Sarah's reaction yet I couldn't figure out at first what it has to do with me, she made it clear that's it's all my fault, my head start hurting from thinking and thinking over again, it was hard to focus on my work, I was trying and messing, making mistakes, my head wasn't there at all, it was elsewhere, I looked down at the keyboard for a moment and just closed my eyes to rest, to stop thinking.
In that moment of darkness, emptiness, my head were quiet, they were just nothing there, I felt as if something had hit me , it's that feeling when you finally solve a mystery, when something is troubling you , you can't figure it out for days then in an instant you find it, you solve it, you realize the solution was in front of you all the time but you were too busy , occupied to notice it, you were very much blind. In my case the solution was in six words, six words he said but I could see that it was hard for him to admit it, 'you remind me of someone very dear to me", that must be the thing that changed their relationship, it was hard for him to go on, to continue his life the way it was, it was hard not feel any difference , it was almost impossible, I brought her memory back, drove him further from Sarah and anyone else he's seeing without any intention from me, I basically done and knew nothing about all of this.
When it was time to leave work, I was somehow relieved and anxious at the same time, I had planned to go and bring my stuff , once for all, I will take everything I have from that house, I will finish what I started a few days ago . Going there is not going to be a simple thing, in fact I'm terrified , I haven't been there since that night, since I left like that in a hurry without looking back, now I must go back. Now I must say goodbye, I must see it all again for one last time. The only thing that made me feel better is the fact that I'm not going alone, Martha is coming with me, she offered and insisted and now I'm somehow glad that she did.
I went outside the building to wait for her, I saw couples of people leaving the building, people were moving fast around me in all directions when I stood there like a street lamp , standing tall, I looked around to see if they were any sign of her car coming, then I saw him entering the building, my boss went in very fast yet he did saw me as he passed near me, he knew I was there and turned his face to mine, and then get in, it was all fast, like it happened in less than a second, I couldn't even react or said a thing, he didn't neither, I only felt like I jumped in my place , it was as if I saw a ghost or imagined it in my head, yet I'm sure he passed near me, the look of his blue eyes into mine was quick but memorable, I could never forget it or just imagine such thing in my head.
-Rahaf , come in.
The car back door was opened waiting for me, I went in fast cause they couldn't park the car there for much longer.
-Hey, I said once I had sat comfortably, the driver had already started driving.
-Hey sweety, are you ready ?
I just nodded, smiling not knowing if I'm truly ready or not, I guess it doesn't matter anyway , since I am going all the way , I have to, some fights you can never escape, no matter what you do and how much you try, some things can't be avoided.
The journey was not much long, I sit in my place and looked at the street, the road I used to take to reach what was my home, I hadn't taken it these last days, don't know if I will ever pass on those streets again.
It feels weird, I'm going there, but it's no longer my house, I am going to take my things not to rest, I can enter, but I can no longer stay, the house becomes a stranger to me, no longer mine, we no longer belong together, this is hopefully my last visit then I will never see it again.
Once we reached the house, I stood a few minutes just looking at the façade of what use to be my home, of the place that held me all this time, a part of me was sad, deeply sad, I enjoyed staying here, I liked the idea of having my own house, it wasn't big, it wasn't a fancy house, it lacked many things but I still loved it, it was my own place, it was simple , yet I was happy to have it, the house not the one I shared it with.
-Rahaf, let's go inside, it's very cold here.
I nodded quickly and went to the front door, opened it with my key then we entered
After a few steps, I found myself standing in the living room, I looked around me and all I could see was her jacket and the smell I felt the other day, everything was coming back, the voices, the memory, my legs froze, I couldn't move, I felt like I'm falling down, a tear in my eye was fighting its way out, I wanted to turn and leave, I wanted to scream, I wanted to run yet I didn't, I was like a statue standing there, getting ready to melt like a snowman.
I felt a hand holding mine , so tight, the hand was warm, yet I didn't melt, the tear finally found it way out, I can feel it now on my cheek, Martha held me from behind strongly then she lets go and said :
-You can do this, let try to be fast , try not to think about anything Rahaf, Okay ?
I nodded again, this time it was slow as if I was trying to convince myself that I can do this, I went inside to my bedroom , took two suitcases, dragged my clothes quickly from the wardrobe and put them on the bed, when I finished, I looked at the bed, it was full of my clothes, yet the only thing I could see was her laying down on my bed, I closed my eyes so I wouldn't look, I wouldn't see, I must delete this image, there are only my clothes on the bed, I opened my eyes when I was ready, when I chased the idea from my head, my eyes were full of tears, I cried silently watching Martha put everything on the suitcases, she packed it all alone, I couldn't do anything, I couldn't move, think straight,I tried to, it was hard, it was harder than when I left the first time, that day I was moved by rage and anger,today I am holding much sorrow in my heart, a lot of sadness and goodbyes.
Once I took everything that belonged to me, we went back to the living room.
-There are many bags and suitcases, I will call the driver to help us . Martha declared
-Okay, I finally managed to talk.
She went to the door, but was surprised to see it being opened, she stood in her place watching Yousef walking in, he looked at us surprised, he didn't expect to find us here.
After catching his surprise, he asked angrily :
-What are doing here ?
-As you can see, taking what belongs to me. I answered
-Put It all back, you're not taking anything from my house, he shouted
-Let's Go Martha, I said , ignoring his presence.
I walked straight firmly toward the door, when I reached him, he stopped me from my anckle hardly so I wouldn't move, my arm hurt me until I yawned of pain
-Arggg.
-Leave her now if you don't want from things to get complicated, she will take all her things now or tomorrow with the lawyer, choose wisely.
He looked at us furious, he started cursing than look at us with a hate and anger in his eyes, I never saw before, no one looked at me that way, after a few minutes of thinking that felt like an eternity in which I wanted to go, to leave , to run away fast, he finally looked at us defeated and said :
-Fine, take all your garbages , I don't want them here anymore, they're dirty just like you.
I opened my mouth, to talk, to respond, to scream, he just insulted me , this is just unacceptable, there is no part of me that he didn't hurt, he broke everything, used everything, force and words, lucky me, Martha was there to stop me from saying something that I will regret later, she put her hand on my mouth and spoke:
-It's not worth it Rahaf, He is not worth it.
She called the driver to come in and help us, he didn't take long to arrive, took with us my bags while Yousef was sitting on the couch looking at us in disguise, leaving, I walked toward the door to leave, this time it will be the last time, a part of me is relieved, this place brought me nothing but pain, endless pain, I left it all broke yet still standing tall on my feet
When I reached the door, I turned to him and looked at him sharply
-We will meet again in the court, there you will pay the price of everything, everything you done Youcef, be sure of that.
Then I turned, closed my eyes and left for good, this place held so much memories, most of them were sad, what was supposed to my new beginning, my fairytale has turned to be a nightmare, a nightmare that I survived, that I am walking free away from it, it's now and only now will my new beginning will begin, my second tale, I closed a big and important chapter in my life and let the chance for a new one to start, from now on, I will focus on myself, on my religion, on my work and my future.
As I sit in the car's chair, I thanked Allah for having Martha with me, I don't know what would I do or how would I survive and how it would be if she wasn't there with me, I could never be more grateful and thankful for her more than I am today, I found in Martha , a heart that understand, a heart that care , a heart that stand, and I could never want anything more in life. It's true, patient people are awarded, always for their patience, and Allah never abandons whoever ask for his help, no matter where or who or when, Allah will Always be there for us.
I looked at Martha, who is sitting next to me smiling, she smiled to my smile, a true large smile then said :
-It's all over now, let it all go and let's start new.
I nodded still smiling
-Thank you for coming with me.
She pulled me closer to her and said : I'm glad I did, and it was my pleasure, to be with you, to stand by your side.
I watched from the car window the buildings moving slowly as we were going home, yes, I'm going home, my new home, is built with tenderness , care and love, my new home is a place where I can dream and live in the dream.
*****
Salam Guys,
Hope u're all okay, this chapter is kind of sad, hope it's worth the waiting, lets me know what you think, and don't forget to vote and share with your friends.
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