Ramona's P.O.V.
Ramona didn't know where to begin. She still made sure to keep her eyes off of Ryan. Besides, he's said that he can see her emotions easily. Maybe if he can't see her face, he can't see them.
"Ramona? What is it you wanted to talk about?" Ryan asked. It was almost in a clipped, irritated tone. Ramona got a very bad vibe, as if she hadn't been uncomfortable enough.
"You're still mad at me." She blurted. When she did, she closed her eyes in regret.
But Ryan, as sarcastic as he is, replied with the same attitude of implied annoyance, "No, it's fine. I get it. Your fiance abuses you and you still want to get back with him. He also wants to kill me. Noted."
She looked at him this time, his sarcasm stinging her. He had rolled his eyes and was not looking back at her. Past the small dark circles around his eyes from little sleep (Ramona wondered why) and the drying sweat on his forehead, Ramona saw a bit of anger.
"Okay, you're pissed. Got it." She grumbled. He looked at her seriously.
"I'm not pissed. I'm just very disappointed."
"Why?"
Ryan clearly hesitated. But he came out with it.
"I guess I'm gonna have to repeat myself with you, aren't I? He treats you like shit! I've never seen something this bad, especially someone so attached to someone who---who raped them! He lays his hands on you and you still want to be with him! You still want to 'go home' after this! Ramona, you need to realize that what you call home is the farthest from home you'll ever get!"
Ryan began to shake his head, looking away from her and putting a hand upon his face in frustration. Ramona was defensive and remorseful at the same time. Ryan muttered, "You're just not getting it."
Ramona accidentally let it slip, her thoughts so strong that she could not keep them inside her head.
"Ryan, I've been trying to ever since I met you!!"
Instantly, she pursed her lips and Ryan's head snapped up in a second as he looked at her with wide eyes. His peered into hers, one of her hands covering her own mouth when she realized her mistake, and it seemed like he was desperate to look into her soul and figure out what she really just said. Ramona hoped he couldn't, but now, it seemed he really had the ability to.
"Wait...what?" He asked, inspecting her. Ramona inhaled sharply, hoping he hadn't noticed that as well, and turned from him before he figured something out. She uncovered her mouth and shook her head, gulping nervously.
"Ramona, what do you mean? Since you met me?" Ryan pressed on. Ramona shook her head another time and fiercely looked at him, though her voice wasn't raised any longer.
"Ryan, forget it, okay? All I meant is that I've had a change in perspective since you stepped into my life. I'm conflicted...I...don't know what to do."
Ryan's frustrated and annoyed demeanor came back and he didn't ponder over what she had said much more now.
"You see, I'm having trouble understand what you're conflicted about," He put a hand out, stressing his point, "He abuses you. How many times do we all have to say it before it's finally drilled into your brain?!"
Ramona jumped as his voice got more harsh while he progressed.
"Ramona, you need to listen to me. You've been brainwashed by Shawn, okay? I want to help you see this, I'm trying, but you have to let me in!" He continued.
Ramona was losing her breath again.
"I know, I know! It's just...Shawn and I have history. I know a side that's far from who he is now, a side that's disregarded by anyone else who knew that too! I guess I have too much faith in him..."
Whether or not he meant it, Ryan nodded as she said that last part. He paused when he did, so he may not have intended for that to happen. Ramona looked deep into his eyes, hoping maybe he'd see into hers when she wanted him to this time. Maybe he'd understand a bit of her side.
"I do love him. It's a hard and difficult road that we've been on, but we've made it this far. We're engaged! I just...want to see if he can change."
Ryan's eyebrows were furrowed. He took a deep breath, still looking back at her. Their unbroken gaze had a spark somewhere within, but it was so unusual and different to her, Ramona pushed it away, for she didn't know what it was and likely didn't want to.
Ryan made sure his eyes bored into hers. Ramona was taken aback at his intensity.
"There's no use trying to argue about it now, but I'm going to say one thing, and if you won't listen to anything else I say, just ponder this. Are you sure you love him, or are you trying to convince yourself that he's worthy of loving?"
Leaving Ramona with her mouth wide open, Ryan broke his indirect contact with her (though his eyes really seemed to touch her soul) and got up, muttering under his breath just enough for her to hear, "I need air."
Then he headed for the other room beside the living room, where she assumed the doors to the backyard were. She didn't really notice those earlier, but remembered an exit there.
However, she sat there for several minutes in thought. Not so much about what he said, but the fact that he said it, rather. The fact that he was so aggressive and assertive about it.
Ramona did think about what he said, though. Briefly, because she couldn't handle the fact that he could be right. She could merely be trying to persuade her own mind that she loves him, when maybe she really doesn't. Maybe he's really brainwashed her and the love no longer exists.
But if it doesn't, how long has it been that way?
And that was when Ramona realized that this is real and there's something there between her and Ryan. Maybe not even that, but there is something. She's feeling for him. It's becoming harder and harder to deny. Ramona could brush it away with her mind a week ago, not even lifting a thumb to do so. But now it occupied her mind more than she'd like to admit.
On the other hand, Shawn Murphy. There needn't be an explanation for that.
Ramona wanted to see him. Just one more time (not to mention that his 26th birthday was in just about a week). This is a test, and simply that. If he's changed, that's something. But if he hits her or tries to, Ramona will have the gun and the knowledge that it's time to try to get over him. Actually try.
She hoped that he would attempt more abuse or get mad as usual. That would be easier for her. If he shows even a bit of kindness, though, her brain may not be able to handle that and the conflict will get worse.
It's always easier to just get out, isn't it? Whenever that's an option, that bridge is always short and easy to cross.
It was 3:30. Ramona got up to leave before Ryan got back in. She took his car again, leaving another note. She didn't tell him where she was going this time, though. What would he say if he knew she went to see Shawn, the very thing they just talked about? Who Ryan hated, who Ryan was dying to get her away from.
Yet Ramona can't seem to abide by what he tells her. Maybe the irrational bit of her is rebellious and stubborn too.
As she got into his car, she felt the familiar feeling of unfamiliarity; being surrounded by luxury is a feeling she may never get used to, no matter how long she and Ryan know each other.
At just before four, Ramona made it on the street of the house she and Shawn share...or maybe just "shared" now. She parked a few houses down. As she got out of the car, grabbing her purse and clenching Ryan's keys right in her hand, she then began to walk to the house. She was breathing heavy, especially as she noticed that his Volvo was parked out front this time.
While Ramona approached the house, she held a tighter grip on the straps of her black purse. She unlocked the door fearfully and cautiously with the spare key. Trying to calm down, she told herself in her head, You know how to defend yourself, there's nothing to be afraid of. Besides, you literally have Shawn's own gun.
As Ramona stepped into the living room, she noticed Shawn's attempt to really clean the place up, which was already odd. Ramona remembered their stuff on the floor, the broken lamps, the tipped-over tables. She heard glass break, too, so that was there. But the floors had recently been vacuumed, there were new lamps, and a new dining table (the glass top of the old one must've been what broke). The blinds were open on the windows too, so the room was filled with warm spring sunlight, which was weird because the blinds and curtains were always shut.
Then Ramona noticed something on the seafoam green couch, an acoustic guitar. Ramona approached it to see the wood of it polished---it looked like cedar---and everything else simply shiny and new. It was hard to explain it, but one would take a look at it and notice how nice it was. It was far nicer than the one Ramona previously owned, the one Shawn tore apart. It was so cheap, she doesn't remember the brand.
Ramona was shocked at how magnificent it looked. She yearned to touch it, and simply that, for it was so great that it she was surprised it wasn't glowing. Then she wondered why it was here. How had Shawn not taken it apart already? He has a knack for ruining beautiful things.
Just as Ramona thought of him, she heard footsteps reaching the stairs and then his heavy feet coming down. Ramona instinctively grabbed the strap of her purse with two hands, ready to grab the gun if need be, and stepped back a few yards in panic. She saw a glimpse of his boots at the top of the stairs. The air around her thinned as Shawn stepped into view.
He stopped when he saw her, his gray eyes looking deep at her. There was something about them though. He had lost his intensity, his whole body had, and now even looked...gentle?
"You're back." Shawn said softly and calmly, to her great disbelief and wonder.
Ramona didn't respond to this. She meant to at least nod, but his new demeanor made her forget. She now only focused on that, confused. Her eyebrows were close to each other as she gazed at him.
Her stomach then fell when Shawn stepped forward. The moment his right foot moved at her, her left went back and she leaned away from him a bit.
I shouldn't be here.
Ramona thought back to Ryan's words and they kept repeating in her mind along with her conscience trying to save her now. Get the fuck out, Ramona fucking Wood. You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't fucking be here...
Then again, why the hell wasn't Shawn yelling at her?! She wanted him to, she wished he would try something again. That's what she expected. She was sure that she would come here and get the answer she wanted. The "go" for her to finally try to let go of him and accept Ryan and all the little perfect things about him. Ryan, not Shawn. That's what she expected to get from this, not a shadow of the old Shawn with a kind face and calm voice.
What the fuck is happening?!
"That guitar...it's yours." Shawn told her kindly, motioning to it. Ramona flinched when his hand moved so quickly and abruptly. Shawn noticed. Something flickered in his eyes.
Ramona's own voice was weak, "And you got it?"
"Yes."
They stood there in silence for a bit. Shawn looked serious, of course, but it was his eyes that hit Ramona in the heart. There was something there. She wasn't sure if it was him being gentle or if it was kindness, the old Shawn shining through. It wasn't anger, that counted for something. But what was it?
Ramona was afraid to know what it was, because as much of the "old Shawn" he looked like now, the shine in his eyes wasn't love.
The very eyes she stared into, though, eyed her up and down. Well, more like just around at her hair and her face.
"You changed your hair." He commented plainly.
"It's not really new."
"The electric blue is."
Ramona challenged him, "Do you have a problem with it?"
"No. It's nice."
This threw her off track. He looked over again in the direction of the couch with the guitar.
"It's a beautiful guitar, isn't it?" Shawn asked her tenderly. Ramona swallowed. He looked back at her and stepped forward a few times. Ramona didn't loosen her grip on her purse. In fact, part of her mind began coming up with a plan on what exactly her body would do if Shawn tried something.
"It's better than anything that Tedder guy would ever think of buying you," Shawn continued. Ramona almost shook her head in response, but remained still. He stepped forward again. He was only five or six feet away now.
"You haven't known him very long, Ramona, and he could hurt you. I don't want that to happen. You should be more careful of yourself."
Ramona gulped again. He stepped forward again. She still didn't take a step back. He was about four feet away now and she could smell his raunchy cologne.
"It can go back to old times," Shawn whispered, "It can be safe and comforting like it was, I promise. I'll try."
She couldn't handle this. It was tempting. It was almost like she was a drug addict being offered drugs when in rehab. The old Shawn was showing himself and it was enticing to give into this and come back. She could drop her bags right now and crawl back into his arms. She was the addict and he was addicting. But she also knew he was toxic.
"I'm begging you, Ramona. Please come back." Shawn implored. Ramona looked back up at him, as she had turned away, and saw more shine in his eyes. These may have been tears, but it was hard to tell if they were genuine, let alone even tears.
Shawn stepped forward. The space in between them was three feet wide, maybe less. He reached out a hand and Ramona flinched again. But he didn't retract his arm, instead putting his warm hand on her left bicep. She could hear him softly breathing and looked away from him again.
"I know what I did was wrong. I want to try again. Please, Ramona." Shawn had lowered his voice to a whisper again.
Ramona had an addiction, a hunger. But maybe it wasn't for Shawn.
"Ramona?" Shawn asked. He put his other hand on her other arm, but then Ramona pushed him away, stepping back a few paces while the palms of her hands pressed against his firm chest. Shawn looked surprised.
"What?" He asked, not sounding angry as usual. Although Ramona couldn't afford to buy into this, whether or not it was genuine.
"I'm sorry. I have to go." Ramona hastily replied. Then she turned to flee out the door, almost running at full speed back to Ryan's car.
It always seems as if addiction is essential to the survival of the addict. It is a requirement to even do daily tasks, to do anything. But imagine what that someone could do if they broke free.
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Sorry it took so long to write! But I have been busy, as you all may know. Also, in spite of one of my best friend's (and readers, whenever I remind her that my book still exists) birthdays, you'll get an update on Monday! She is Kim a.k.a. K_J_Tedder a.k.a. basically Johana in the story. Thanks, Loves! I hope I get lots of comments (seriously, comments are the BEST)! :)